What Direction is Forward?

Has anyone seen my Mojo?  My motivation?  My sense of being?  My purpose?

Normally I wouldn't share something so personal, something that exposes my weaknesses and vulnerabilities... but I'm having a bad day and I feel like I just need to get this out.

15 years ago I moved to Charlotte.  I started my career, experienced significant relationships, developed deep friendships, traveled, partied and created a very satisfied life... until recently.

I've been struggling...  for nearly two years I've been feeling lost.  Not constantly but consistently.

So much of my self, my confidence and purpose was wrapped up for so long in my career.  Since the layoff in early 2009 things changed.  Now that I am back at the same company that laid me off, I'm in a job I can't stand and that causes constant stress and anxiety.

While it hurts to admit it, many of my friends and I have grown apart, some have moved, I have changed.  While I see most of my friends regularly, it's not frequent.  A number of them are still into late nights of partying; many of them have husbands and children that keep them busy.  I find that I have far too many days that I spend alone... but I also know this is primarily self-imposed.  I'm not a ball of laughs to be around these days.

I'm also now about 50 lbs overweight, gained over the last 2 years.  I beat myself up over this constantly, every moment of every day.  As of yesterday I started working on this nutritionally but I am unmotivated to exercise.  Why?

I know what I need to do but I'm struggling with execution...  I need to find my sense of self, my motivation, my happiness.  I want to volunteer.  I need to get involved in church. I need to get into an exercise routine.  I need to proactively reach out to my friends.  I need to live my life purposefully, even while dealing with infertility (which only accentuates my problems).

And I worry about money.  I am tired of being 'house poor' (meaning having a mortgage too uncomfortably high for my comfort).  I want to sell my house but the economy will force a signifiant loss.  I do believe I could make up for it in my next, less expensive, house purchase.  I could actually buy a nice house and have NO MORTGAGE, rather than my current hefty mortgage.  The next question is WHERE would I buy my next house?

After nearly 20 years away from my hometown (I went to college in NC also) I have been thinking more and more about moving back.  This statement will absolutely SHOCK my family... I've not told them of these thoughts.

The reason why I seem to want to move back to my hometown is because of family.  My entire family is still in South Florida.  While I am not a fan of the HOT and HUMID Florida summers, in working to create my own little family, I'm realizing how important family is to me.  I want my child to be raised near family... I want to be near family... in order to do that I would need to move back to Florida.

My job, and many other opportunities at my company, allows me to work remotely.  With having little or no mortgage I can build up my savings again... and travel... and not be so uptight about money.  I could even request a role with less responsibility and, if that comes with less money, I could still live comfortably.

For the moment, I seem to be paralyzed with fear, anxiety and loneliness.  This too shall pass... but I need to move forward... and before I can do that I need to figure out what direction forward is?

*******
While I did pretty good over the holidays considering my IVF fail, I've been crying all day today.  My poor neighbor just came by and was subjected to my puffy, wet eyes.  I imagine much of this emotion I'm feeling is from coming off of 8 months of hormones.  This cycle is a forced break, which for the first time is fine with me.  It was expected that if my IVF failed I would have to take a couple of months off.  I have a meeting with my RE on January 17 to discuss next steps.

And in the meantime I'm going to figure out how to pick myself back up and start living again.

Oh Holy Night! Merry Christmas!

The family is at church, I stayed behind knowing I'm not emotionally strong enough to sit through Christmas Eve service without making a spectacle of myself.  Dad didn't understand, even when I broke down explaining it to him... but Mom understands and had him "leave it be".

I am enjoying my time with the family.  We went out to a Christmas Tree Farm and cut one down this morning.  The four dogs (my two, my sister's dog and my parents dog) are playing and having a ball.  We're expecting a white Christmas tomorrow.

I wish all of my blog friends a peaceful holiday season and a fertile New Year!  Thank you for your continued support.

I can't give you gifts but I can share this video of my BFF's daughter singing Oh Holy Night!  You will see her on Broadway in the coming years...

If you don't have 5 minutes.... forward to about 2:45 in the video... moved me to tears (which isn't difficult right now).

Merry Christmas!

I Don't Know What to Say

I'm still not pregnant.  Work has been absolute hell, I'm going to have to work during my holiday vacation (I've taken 4 days off all year back in May [of 20 days earned, and yes, I lose it at the end of a calendar year]) and my IVF failed.  But I need to keep work happy because I now have no lifetime maximum on IVF insurance coverage...  I can't lose it now.  I'm not pregnant... again... still.

Ways to Count the Days

Today is 8 days past my 5-day embryo transfer (8dp5dt), where my morula and two 8-cell embies were tranferred to my warm, waiting uterus.

This makes me 13 days past my retrieval (ovulation).

My beta is in 3 days, on Wednesday.  I have not POAS and I don't plan to do so until, at earliest, Tuesday evening or Wednesday morning.

I'm supposed to drive to the mountains (only a 3 hour drive) sometime Wednesday to meet my family for Christmas.  My iPhone does not get service in the mountain house, I actually have to drive 10 - 15 minutes into town to get reception... so I'll need to wait until my RN calls back on Wednesday before I leave for the mountains.

Of course, if it's positive I'll be ECSTATIC and, after making some calls & texts, I'll have no problem making the drive to see my family.  But if it's not positive... will I be in the state of mind to drive to the mountains that day?  What about the next day?

As for packing... do I need to get my progesterone supplements refilled so I can continue taking them through the holiday or will I not need progesterone?  Will I need to pack tampons?  Wine?

If it's negative how will I make it through the holiday with my family?  I'll be fragile and want to isolate but I'll still be expected to participate in the holiday activities... I'll be sharing a house with my parents and my sister's family and a total of 4 dogs (including my 2).  My bedroom is in the basement where the playroom is too...

I have so much hope I'll get my Christmas miracle... but with 3 days left in the 2ww I also have a lot of fear... what if I'm not pregnant?

While I hope I don't need to fall back on this, I did learn some amazing news the other day... in 2011 my company will have no lifetime maximum on infertility treatments.  Previously the maximum was $10k which I've pretty much used up with this one IVF (all 6 IUI's were out of pocket).  This news gives me peace of mind that I wont have to go broke trying to conceive my child... while I'll still have to cover the cost of sperm and many, many co-pay's, it will still be an AMAZING savings that does bring me a bit of peace.  My future decisions on TTC will not be weighted financially, but it will be more about how much I can take emotionally.

This time around I'm not acknowledging anything that could be construed as a symptom.  I've taken, injected and inserted far too many hormones to trust anything I feel could actually be a pregnancy symptom rather than a hormone side-effect.

I'm heading out now to meet-up with some local SMC's (Single Mom's by Choice) in various stages of the process.  While I love everyone I have met through this blog on my journey... and will continue to stay connected... I look forward to the day that my life (and blog) becomes about being a SMC, rather than infertile.  

1 Day Past 5-Day Transfer (1dp5dt)

I'm 1dp5dt and I'm having trouble feeling overly optimistic about success this cycle.  I just got the call from the embryologist that my remaining embie did not make it to freeze today... so I'm sad for my embie.

As I was in my gown, listening to my Circle & Bloom transfer meditation the doctor (not Dr. T) came in to report on my 4 embies.  All 4 were still growing, but at a slower rate than normal.  3 were still at 8-cell (typical of day 3) and 1 was classified a Morula (typical of day 4), so none had made it to a day 5 blastocyst, yet.

The doctor had hopes for the Morula, it was in pre-blastocyst stage.  He recommended that we use the Morula and two of the 8-cell embies for transfer.  I agreed.  I can't explain what it's like when you're minutes away from transfer and you get information about your embies - while doped up on Valium - and you have to make a decision about how many to transfer based on the new information. I was trying not to allow disappointment to set in just before transfer.

As far as the transfer went, I was taken back to the same operating room from my retrieval... with the "short bed" (it's like 1/2 a table because instead of foot stirrups, it uses knee stirrups).  For my retrieval, once I laid down on the short bed I was asleep within seconds.  For the transfer, I was awake.  So they raised the bed, then raised the bottom side of the bed (just imagine the blood rushing to your head) and I just started giggling.

The speculum used initially was too short so that was a little uncomfortable.  He got a longer speculum and that was much better.  He threaded the catheter through my cervix into my uterus (I could see this via ultrasound on a screen).  The embryologist brought in my embies in a tube that would be threaded through the catheter and they were released in my uterus.  The embryologist then goes back to confirm all embies were released from the tube and yells back "okay".  And that was that.

I was transferred back to the gurney and wheeled back to the prep area where I listened to my meditation again while I rested for 30 minutes.

G brought me home and stayed with me for a couple of hours.  It's funny because her kids were home with their dad, who was napping, so they kept calling her because they were bored.  It's all about Mom!  Shortly after she left I had my post-transfer acupuncture appointment, which was wonderful.

After acupuncture I began to consult Dr. Google to learn more about transferring a Morula at day-5.  Here's the scientific answer:

The morula stage is the final stage prior to formation of a fluid filled cavity called the blastocoel cavity. Once the cavitation has occurred, we can see the fluid in the cavity between the cells and we call the embryo an early blastocyst. Although morula stage embryos are usually seen on day 4 and blastocysts are usually seen on day 5, sometimes we have only morulas on day 5. In such a case, we do not know if the embryos are slower than average because they are weaker, or because they are strong and healthy but just going a little slower than average. Transferring morulas on day 5 results in a reasonable pregnancy rate, although it is not as high as the pregnancy rate with blastocyst transfer on day 5.


I did find a lot of message boards that reported success with Morula transfers and some said that sometimes the embies for Girls were slower growing (these were not statements backed up by science and the success stories I read were split about 50/50 for girl/boy's born from Morula transfer).

I have shed tears for my lost embie and now need to get back into a positive mindset that one of the little ones in my uterus is my future child.  Now to stay positively occupied for day 2 of bedrest...

A Marathon... literally

Before my retrieval on Monday I mentioned to my very sweet nurse anesthetist how I was concerned about ovulating before retrieval, not that I had any reason to believe it would happen.  She proceeded to tell me about a woman who once was coming in for her retrieval concerned about the same thing... and there was a road race going on directly past the clinic so the streets were blocked off.  The woman pleaded with the police officer that she had to get through because if she ovulated she would be out thousands of dollars!  And he let her through.  Funny story.

So I've just come to realize our city's annual marathon will be tomorrow morning (reminder, my transfer is tomorrow morning)... I pulled up the route map from the local newspaper website and yes, the marathon goes right between me and the RE's office, and directly by the RE's office.

I will not panic.  The paper reports that while traffic will be slow that very few areas will be blocked completely.  I called G and told her we need to leave earlier than we planned to get there.  So we will be leaving 30 minutes early to get to the clinic that is normally a 5 minute drive...  I will not panic.  I will stay relaxed and peaceful.  Crisis adverted.

Prepare... repeat

It's takes planning if you live alone and need to be on bedrest for two days.  It's especially tough because you don't know exactly when you'll start your bedrest until possibly the morning of that day.

My call was scheduled for this morning.

I went ahead and had an acupuncture treatment last night to prepare my body for transfer.

I spent the evening after acupuncture running to the Healthy Home Market for pre-made healthy meals and also the grocery to make my own ready-to-eat meals.  I made a list of everything I needed to do this morning if the call that came told me I'd have my transfer today:

• Bake breakfast casserole
• Bake chicken dish
• Restock dog food (elevated on the shelf)
• Take out garbage
• Take out recycling
• Unload/reload dishwasher
• Pick up prescription
• Clean kitchen counters
• Put laundry away

I showered and began to work (I work out of the house) and wait for the call.  I had a plan in my head on how I would quickly shift my responsibilities at work so I could be out for the next 2 days, along with my excuse I would use as to why I had to be out.

I got the call about 9:50am... transfer will be Saturday at 11am.  Great!  How are my embies (I had to ask, it wasn't offered)?  All FOUR are still growing.  WOOHOO!

So tomorrow night many of the items on my list will be redone in prep for my Saturday transfer.

I have also learned over the last few days to ask my nurse for what I want...

The IVF nurse on Monday pretty much told me that I can't do my own PIO injection due to the awkward angle and the thickness of the serum.  She said that women who gave themselves the injection in their thigh complained of pain walking.  While I'm sure I could have done PIO if I had no other choice... I asked my nurse if there was an alternative to PIO that would not compromise my success.  Now I am using progesterone 'tablets' three times a day.  These are powder filled capsules that are inserted directly up my va-jay-jay.  If it means not having a big A$$ needle in my A$$ every night... I'll take it!  I've set my alarm on my iPhone to remind me 3x's a day.

Also, when the nurse called to give me my transfer time she also told me my beta date would be 12/23.  Well besides that being just so uncomfortably close to Christmas... I was planning to go see my family the previous day.  I told the nurse I wanted to travel on 12/22 and she said, "okay, we'll do your Beta that day instead".

Ask... and you shall receive!

So for Saturday, my friend G has insisted on taking me, picking me up and sitting with me for a while.  G has 10 year old twin girls through IVF and insists I should get up only to pee... someone else should be getting me food, drink, etc.

I do plan on being horizontal the remainder of Saturday and all day Sunday... but I will go to the kitchen to get water, my pre-made food, etc.  Also, I will have an acupuncture treatment 4 hours after transfer.  The office is 2 blocks from my house... I'll be fine to drive there and back.

Can't wait until Saturday... so I can begin the next wait!

4 Fertilized Embies

Of the 7 eggs retrieved, 6 were mature and 4 fertilized normally.  My next report will be Thursday morning.

GROW embies GROW!!!

7 Eggs

My retrieval was this morning and it went very well.  7 eggs were retrieved.  I'm now anxiously awaiting the call tomorrow that will report on fertilization.

Recovery has been easy, no actual pain, just slight cramping.  I'm thankful for that because initial recovery from my Hysteroscopy in May was extremely painful.

The target is to do the transfer on Saturday (5 day transfer), if it's a 3 day transfer it will be Thursday.  And from what I gather... either way, I wont have much advance notice (a matter of hours)... which makes the planner in me frustrated.  A Saturday transfer is fine... but a Thursday transfer - at the last minute - will be a pain to deal with from a work perspective.  But I'll do whatever is necessary.

My friends ROCK!  J picked me up and and drove me to the clinic. L picked me up and brought me home, with my specially requested Gatoraide.  D was on stand-by should my rides fall through... not that they would.  Thanks J, L & D!!!

My heart remains heavy for Paige and everything she is going through.  There are no words.

IVF Instructions

While these instructions are specific to me, I thought sharing them might be helpful for anyone who will be going through IVF.  This is a glimpse into the instructions provided the day before retrieval, paraphrased.

Note, I'm removing references to "partner" since I'm using donor sperm and I have friends on point for drop off/pick up.

1. Nothing to eat or drink after midnight, not even water
2. Report in exactly 1 hour prior to procedure (DO NOT BE LATE).  Wear comfortable clothing and socks.  Do not wear jewelry or makeup. Do not wear cologne or perfumed products.  Wear glasses (not contacts). Bring picture ID.
3. You may experience some discomfort after retrieval.  Bring your Vicodin in case you have discomfort.
4. Activity: Anesthesia will gradually wear off.  Do not drive, rest quietly at home through the remainder of the day; do not work. Tomorrow, you may participate in light activities if you are feeling well.  Eat light meals as tolerated.  
5. You may experience cramping or vaginal bleeding.  You may use sanitary napkins and take Tylenol as needed.  Call if you experience continued or severe cramping or bleeding, or if you develop a fever.  Do not use tampons.
6. Do not stop taking medications until instructed by your IVF nurse.
• Begin Medrol the night of retrieval.  Take as directed for 6 nights
7. Day after retrieval, IVF nurse will call and report how many eggs fertilized to make embryos.  
• The transfer will be performed on day 3 or 5 and occasionally on day 6 following retrieval (retrieval is day 0)
• The embryologist & physician will determine the day of transfer based on the number of dividing embryos as well as your specific clinical situation.
• Actual time of transfer will be scheduled 1 or 2 days in advance
• If the clinical situation changes we may need to move your transfer (from day 3 to day 5 or 6)
8. Begin PIO shots 2 days after retrieval.  Continue once daily until pregnancy test.  You will be given further instructions after pregnancy test result.

Embryo Transfer Instructions

1. Arrive 30 minutes prior to your scheduled transfer time
2. Bring your Valium with you to take at arrival
3. Prior to your transfer start drinking water to fill your bladder
4. You will be awake during transfer.  You will stay at rest on the bed for 30 minutes after transfer.
5. Do not wear perfume, cologne, etc
6. Your first pregnancy test will be approximately 12 days afer transfer.  Remember you will have a series of 3 pregnancy tests and the first is a baseline.  Your IVF nurse will give further instructions based on test results.  Good luck!

According to my instruction sheet, my first beta will be 12/23... This is pushed up much closer to Christmas than I expected.  I'm going to ask if my first beta can be 12/22... as I plan to leave that day to be with my family for Christmas.  We'll be spending Christmas in a small town in the mountains, about 3 hours from where I live.  I'll have to see if I can find another location that will do the bloodwork, for beta #2 and #3 to confirm a BFP!  ...I'm thinking positive here.

Also, the PIO that was sent expires on 12/19...  I guess I'll have to order more to make it to the betas, and beyond.

It's On... Monday 9:30am ET

Trigger tonight at 9:30pm tonight.  I'll report in after retrieval.

I'm wishing myself great quality eggs turned great quality embryos turned a healthy pregnancy & baby!

Thanks for your positive thoughts & well wishes!

Hurry Up & Wait!

29 shots and counting as of 9pm ET this evening.

I was amazed how much my follies grew overnight.  Thursday the largest was 19... today (Friday) the largest was 23.  The majority are in their 'teens'.  Dr. T wants me to stim one more day (today) to ensure I have as many mature eggs as possible; I went back to the RE's office for another dose of free injectibles to get me through today (if you are counting, that's 4 trips to the RE in the last 2 days, good thing it's only 5 minutes away).  I'll go back in the morning for my third consecutive morning date with 'Wandy' and expect to get the green light to trigger tomorrow.  This would put my retrieval on Monday.

I'm quite certain my ER will be Monday so I went ahead and notified work that my 'outpatient surgery' is Monday so I'll be out.  I coordinated with teammates to cover my responsibilities, it will be fine.  I'll work some on Sunday to prepare to be out.

The good news is that if I have a 5 day transfer, as the doctor wants, that will be Saturday... so my 2 days of bedrest will not impact work!  And if it's a 3 day transfer... I guess I'll just say I had a post-op follow-up and the doctor ordered bedrest for a couple of days.  It's actually the truth.

I'm anxious to have the retrieval now.  I'm definitely regularly feeling the big follies on the left, it's not bad... just a constant reminder.  Until then, I'll simply hurry up and wait.

26 and counting

As of tonight I have given myself 26 shots over the last 11 days for this cycle.  I have only one bruise although I don't even know which injection caused the bruise.


The photo was taken yesterday, it's all of the empty boxes that held my injectibles to date...  I do have 3 non-boxed vials in the refrigerator too.  I'm planning to take a photo of all of it once I'm down to just shooting up the PIO.


Monitoring Report
As of this morning 7 follies were counted from 19 - 12 (and one at 7). Estrogen was 676 and progestrone 0.318.


My orders were to continue the same protocol today (300iu Gonal-F; 10units HCG lowdose; Ganirelix).  Of course I ran out of Gonal-F and Ganirelix... so I got samples from the RE.  I was even out of syringes for the HCG so I got a few more from the clinic.


I go for monitoring again in the morning and will probably trigger tomorrow night with a Sunday retrieval.


The biggest of the follies are on my left ovary... and I can certainly feel them now.  I definitely feel super-bloated too!


In other news... 
I had to say goodbye tonight to one of my dearest friends, E (add in the exaggerated hormones, for effect).  E, her husband and 2 year old daughter are relocating to TX tomorrow.   E was a sorority sister of mine in college but we were not tight back then.  We reconnected around 1999 when we were both dealing with difficult break-ups and trying to build up our network of single girlfriends locally.  We did just that and had some fun times over the years... a lot of partying.  And E and I trained for and ran two marathons together.  


E got married 5 years ago in Mexico - and all of us girls in our tight group of friends were there for a grand time!  E has been struggling to conceive a second child and so we talk about TTC and all that goes with it frequently.  


I'm so sad that I wont get to see E regularly (or her beautiful daughter) and E is sad to leave and anxious about going to a new city where she has no connections or network of friends.  I know she'll do great and meet people quickly/easily.  


It wont be the same here without E nearby.

My Follies are Growing... fa la la la la...

Follicle report: 17, 13, 12, 11, 11, 11, 10, 7, 6, 5. 

Estrogen 266
Progesterone 0.207

Started Ganirelix, actually Cetrotide, to prevent ovulation.  Continuing 10 units of low dose HCG and 300iu of Gonal-F every evening through Wednesday.  I had to order one more Gonal-F pen... I was one dose short.


Next monitoring appointment will be Thursday morning.  My retrieval will be this weekend, probably Saturday.  I cheered when I heard it would be over the weekend - I wont have to be out of work until the transfer.  If the embies will make it, a 5-day transfer will be Thursday.  I couldn't be more pleased about the timing (from a work impact perspective), it will make my lack of explanation for my time off easier to pull off!

And the Christmas Tree went up yesterday!

Passing the Cherry

I was just tapped for a Blogger Award, thanks to Gille at Endo and the Single Girl.

The rules of the award are these: 

1. Link back to the person who gave it to you
2. Pass it on to five (or more) other blogs
3. Leave them a comment telling them about the award 

I'm going to pass this on to some of the bloggers I've been following for a short time and a couple of Twitter friends.

• Mickey at One Good Egg 

• Jeri at Scrambled Eggs

• Mummy in Waiting at Maybe Baby (or maybe the looney bin)

• InBetween

• My So Called (TTC) Life

Thankful to be Single

Monday night was one of those moments that make me feel very alone, the kind of alone that makes me feel sad and resentful that I don't have someone special in my life, a husband.  I was frustrated from work and overwhelmed with starting my IVF injections - I really just wanted someone else to take over and figure it out for me.  But as soon as the pharmacist calmed my fears, I was fine again.  After five days of injections, it's old school for me now.

I'm actually thankful that I'm going to have this baby on my own.  I have too many friends, divorced, that have to deal with terrible custody issues with their ex's.

I have sat in court in support of a friend, G, who's ex was dragging not only G, but G's children into court to testify in a custody hearing.  He didn't have a job, didn't pay child support, had roommates and no room for his children to sleep in when they did visit; he didn't know their teacher's names or what activities they did after school.  G had a great job, a four bedroom house and is one of the most dedicated mom's I know.

Another friend, D, who is quite successful in her career is essentially broke because of how much she has to spend on lawyers because her ex keeps dragging her to court.  He pays no child support which D would be fine with if he would just stop taking her to court.  AND he keeps their kids from taking the medicines they need (something to do with the laws in that state and requiring both parents to consent).  D has to offer comfort when their dad drops out of their lives for a year at a time, misses birthdays or only wants one of the two kids to come visit for Christmas or Summer break.  Even her ex in-laws want their son to leave D alone to raise the kids.

Another friend's kids have called from their father's house requesting that she bring them clean towels and sheets because there were none at their dad's house (someone else uses their beds when they are not there and the sheets had not been changed).  

I am so thankful that I will not be faced with these types of situations that would break my heart as a mother.  I know I will provide a safe, warm, clean and loving home for my child and I will not have to compromise.  

Ideally, I would be with my Mr. Right (not perfect, just right) starting our family together.  However since I've dated MORE than my fair share of Mr. Not-So-Right's I understand how my friends ended up in these terrible custody situations.  I'm thankful I have not settled for having a child with a Mr. Not-So-Right!

I'm still dreading the PIO shots - when the time comes... but I do have my neighbor or friends willing to help me out.  I'll probably take them up on it until I get "comfortable" with stabbing that big-ass needle into muscle on a daily basis.

**************
Monitoring report
I went in Friday morning for monitoring...  the doctor on duty counted 4 follies on each ovary less than 10mm.  I'm continuing with the Gonal-F and HCG and will go back on Monday morning for monitoring again.

The Protocol

It's called the "BCP Ganirelix Gonadotrophins Protocol".  And I still really don't know what it means...

• 15 days of BCP - done
• 5 days of nothing  - done
• 300IU of Gonal-F started today for 4 days
• 10 units of Novarel Microdose (HCG) started today for the next four days
• Doxycycline (antibiotic) started today for 14 days

Friday morning I go in for more labs/ultrasound and will get further instructions from there.  I've got far more drugs in my kitchen than I know what to do with.

Starting Point

Wouldn't you know I started bleeding this morning... AF I guess.  She's early (only CD22) but I expect the starting of BCP and stopping it 15 days later messes with my cycle.  Dr. T wasn't phased that AF was arriving so I guess all is okay.  

I had 6 follicles on each ovary less than 8mm.  I think 12 follies is a good starting point (before BCP I only had 7 total).

The First of the IVF Shots

After a bad day in the office today I got home around 6:30 and realized I didn't know how to take my HCG.  It's not a prefilled syringe like every other self-injection I've done to date.  I didn't know which type of syringe to use (because I have two different types of empty syringes and an extra set of big-ass needles).  How do I get the medicine into the syringe?  Was it supposed to be a muscle or fat injection?

When I googled how to inject the Novarel there was nothing on the microdose I was taking... all instructions were related to mixing a concentrated vial with saline (or something).  I panicked.  

I called my neighbor for guidance (an ER doctor) but couldn't get her on the phone. Finally I called the pharmacy that sent me the drugs and at that point I was choking back tears explaining my dilemma... immediately I was put on with a pharmacist who had me laughing and relaxed within 30 seconds.  The microdose is already mixed, use the small insulin syringe, draw my dose, insert in fleshy abdomen.  It's as simple as that. Crisis averted.  

Telling the Boss

As for telling work about being out...  we've got all kinds of resource issues that have just hit the fan and so I'm taking on yet even more - when I'm already well over capacity.  I was IMing with my boss about the resource chaos late today and went ahead and slipped in "probably not the best time to bring this up... but I have to have outpatient surgery in early December - it will cost me 2 - 3 days".  She said "we'll deal"... and that was that.  

IVF and Time Out of Work

So far I've spent 15 days on BCP (birth control pills) and 5 days drug free. I've been taking advantage of the suppression phase and have done my best to put TTC out of mind, hence being quiet on the blog front.  Things are about to pick back up.

Tomorrow is my bloodwork/ultrasound and I should be given the green light to start stimulation.  If all goes according to plan my retrieval will be somewhere between December 1 - 4 with transfer 3 - 5 days later.

Essentially I'll need up to 3 days off sometime between December 1 - 9; one day for retrieval and two for transfer (bedrest).

I have not been sure how to handle this with work... I want to give advance notice that I'll need to be out but I don't want to give details.  I know legally I don't have to give details, but that's fairly difficult for me because I'm such an open person.

My job entails a lot of planning, preparing, coordinating, reacting, facilitating, etc.  We have some big things going on during the timeframe I'll need to be out so it's only fair to plan and prepare for coverage.

Any best practices out there from others who have gone through this?  I'm going to have to say something soon...

Note: I hope to have a better understanding of my IVF protocol after tomorrow - I'll share details once I understand all of the drugs currently in my kitchen and refrigerator.

Injustice

When I started this journey, and my blog, my focus was becoming a SMC (single mom by choice).  I never dreamed I would be an INFERTILE SMC... but here I am!

I'm not the kind of infertile woman that gets upset when hearing another woman's news about getting pregnant.  Announcements on Facebook do not send me into a tailspin and I believe I am truly happy for my friends who do get pregnant and have babies.  I actually love hearing about what they are going through and seeing their pictures.  

Some may think I don't have the bitterness of an infertile because I've "only" been TTC for 6 (now 7) cycles, six perfectly timed, doctor assisted cycles. The only reason I've been TTC such a "short" amount of time (although seemingly a lifetime) is because I waited so, so, so many years to find the right man to TTC with...  I have spent plenty of Mothers Day's blinking back tears, hiding sadness from my family over Thanksgiving and Christmas, wanting a family of my own.  

And as I said before, after years of thinking, in 2009 I was ready to TTC  SMC style.  Unfortunately, a layoff for the first (and hopefully last) time in my life impacted my financial and emotional ability to move forward with those plans.  

Finally, this past Spring, things were back in place (enough) to move forward with TTC.  But I digress from the purpose of this post...  

I am truly happy for my fellow pregnant and mommy bloggers, many who got their BFP's in my last cycle!  It gives me hope and I enjoy reading their stories, how they evolve from trying to being pregnant, preparing to be a mommy.  I dream of the day I'll have my BFP and healthy pregnancy, moving from "trying" to "being" a mommy.  I can't wait to share the news with my extended family and make my own Facebook announcement!  And I know when it's my turn, others in our TTC & infertile circle will be genuinely happy for me!

So what does bother me?  The Duggars ("19 Kids and Counting").  I do get jealous (or a bit angry) when people continue to procreate just because they can.  19 kids...  and maybe more?  Is that responsible parenting?  I can't answer that but it sure kicks an infertile in her reproductively challenged ovaries!!!

This statement from a spot on the Today Show really irritates me: "the Duggars vowed to put their faith in God and have as many children as they could be blessed with".

That rubs me especially raw today due to Paige's recent condemnation by her preacher.  I find his words so completely irresponsible and utterly disturbing.  I've not been able to get this out of my head since reading her post last night.  He not only condemned SMC's but all infertiles!!!  I wonder how many IVF babies he has baptized and never known how they were conceived (because there were two parents)?  I can only imagine he would welcome a family into his church like the Duggars as Saints.

I am so disappointed that Paige had to experience this and simply don't have the right words to express what I want to about it.  However I am so proud of how Paige handled the situation, with true class and dignity.  And as terrible as his words were, I am so comforted with the amount support she has received from the community.  

Pulling out the Big Guns

I've surprisingly handled BFN#6 rather well emotionally.  I've shed very few tears... I guess because I saw it coming as the symptoms subsided.  And I'm actually pleased because I actually did get pregnant, if not for just a few days.  It certainly shows that with each cycle, we learn more and even negatives are progress.

I sat down with Dr. T today.  I am so thankful I had the forethought to make this appointment at the end of cycle 5!  Otherwise dealing with this BFN could have been much more difficult.

Based on the symptoms I presented and the positive HPT from Saturday (in a baggie) that I showed her she agreed that I was pregnant initially.  She shared my enthusiasm about the progress, while of course being sorry it didn't stay.

She explained how much we have learned about my body and how it responds to meds.  The last two cycles (with the injectables & new donor) have been really good.  She's been thrilled with my new donor!

Bottom line, we agree it's time to pull out the big guns; we are both ready for me to move to IVF.  And because of the last 6 months of IUI's she knows exactly what protocol she wants me to use (I'll outline that in another post).

My bleeding is AF...  she explained that my temps are still up because I didn't stop my progesterone until today, so they should fall in the next day or so.

Tomorrow is Day 3 for my IVF cycle... I will go in for bloodwork and the initial u/s.  I will start on birth control for the suppression phase (to try to get both ovaries to play nice together).

Also... I will not be able to go home to S. Florida for Thanksgiving.  I had already warned my family that this was a possibility and they understand that TTC is the priority (love having a supportive family).  Plus, I'm going to be stuck working (a lot) the whole week of Thanksgiving... it doesn't really make sense to drive 12 hours each way to work from my parents house, with little time to spend with family and friends.  I'll make plans with local friends for Thanksgiving day.

On another note...  HUGE congratulations for recent BFP's...  to My (hopeful) journey to Motherhood and S at Ticking Clock.  I hope that we get good news soon from My So Called (TTC) Life... who gets the award for POAS self control! 

And to Jen at A Family of Two, I SOOO want to comment on your blog and interact... if you are reading this, just making sure you are aware that commenting is not enabled (it may be intentional)?  Good luck on your wait... when is your Beta?

Thank you again, my friends.  Your support during the 2ww (and results thereof) means so much!  Bring on the Big Guns!!!

Negative

The beta results showed nothing.

I started bleeding heavily around 2am.  My BBT went back up to 98.4... but with no trace of HCG in my blood then today would be CD1...???

I'm very thankful that I have my "sit down" with Dr. T already scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.  I took the whole afternoon off work because I think I'm going to need it.

Thanks everyone for your support... I can't express how much it means to have support from this community who understands how tough this process is.  This time last week I believed this cycle worked.  I am still convinced that I was pregnant at least for a couple of days.

Bright side...  I'm going to open some wine tonight and chill.  Oh... and I'm so excited to take a big fat Tylenol PM tonight so I can sleep through the night!

Spotting

I started spotting about 30 minutes ago.  I've been taking progesterone suppositories since IUI#2 and I've always had to stop the progesterone for a day or two before AF would arrive.  Since I'm still on the progesterone I can only suspect that the spotting has something to do with the embie.

I left a message for the nurse to request a beta tomorrow... I want my RE to know that I DID get pregnant so we can work on how to STAY pregnant.

I'm not looking forward to all of the trick or treaters coming to my door shortly.  I'd prefer to start my cry now... but it will have to wait.  We get a TON of trick-or-treaters in my neighborhood... and I'm going to put on a brave face until it's time to turn out the front porch light.

BF????

Yesterday (11dpiui) I took two HPTs... the first one (from earlypregnancytests.com) was first thing in the morning.  Initially it looked like all others, blank white space.  When I looked at it about 15 minutes later I thought I saw a faint second line... but so faint that it could have been my eyes (aka my head) playing tricks on me.

Later in the day I took a Clear Blue Easy HPT.  This one showed a distinctive faint vertical line (to make plus sign).

This morning (12dpiui) I took two tests.  First I used another earlypregnancytests.com with the same result... nothing, then maybe something, but too difficult to tell.

I was out of tests so I ran to the grocery store down the street and picked up two sets of tests along with a few other grocery items.  And it amazes me that the cashier and bagger both made comments about my HPT purchase (talking about how many they bought when they got pregnant).  Am I being sensitive that it bothers me when the employees discuss my purchases?

Anyway, I came home and used the EPT and nothing...

My BBT also dropped today, from 6 straight days between 98.4 - 98.6, today it was 98.1 (I'm trying to justify that I was so cold before I got up, it was 60 in my house - I had not turned on the heat yet). My boobs have not felt 'different' since about Thursday.

Here's what I do know... I do know that I did get pregnant.  I know the symptoms, including implantation bleeding, were real.  What I don't know is if I'm still pregnant... if this will take?

The waiting continues...

Pregnant or Just Crazy?

Today I am 9dpiui. This is the best week I can recall having in a very long time... perhaps since my first IUI cycle in May.  I have been optimistic about IUI#6 and I continue to be optimistic.  This makes me quite happy!

Those who have followed my blog through my cycles know that I tend to get pessimistic in the second week of the 2ww.  I know that pessimism is to soften the brutal blow of a potential BFN, because each BFN hurts.  This month I'm realizing that the pessimism has been fueled by lack of the slightest, smallest symptom.

IUI#6 Symptom run down (IUI was Tues. 10/19, I think I ovulated the night before):

• Sunday 
• BBT dropped to 97.5, the two previous days were 98.2 & 98.4 (the "dip"?)
• Occasional pressure, like a bruise being pushed on, in my abdomen (implementation cramping?)
• Monday 
• BBT jumped to 98.6
• Specks of blood on TP 3 times (implantation bleeding?)
• Occasional abdomen pressure/cramping
• Tuesday
• Boobs slightly tender when sleeping on stomach
• BBT still 98.6
• Wednesday
• BBT at 98.4
• Boobs still occasionally tender, just feel different than norm
• Thursday
• BBT at 98.4
• Boobs still have that different feeling
• Lower back cramping, but different than AF cramping

Conclusion:

I don't know!?!  This is different than my previous 5 IUI cycles.  I really think I could be pregnant but I cant be sure... could I just have gone insane?  Could I be imagining the "symptoms"?  This is why I actually took a photo of TP #2 - which had the least amount of specks... but I wanted evidence that I saw something, because by now I'd be telling myself I didn't (but I did!).

To POAS or Not to POAS...

My beta date is Tuesday (and as mentioned before, that's also the date of my IVF consult).  Of course, if implantation happened so early (Sun//Mon) then by Saturday my HCG should register.  I told myself if my symptoms got stronger I could test as early as Friday, but I wouldn't say symptoms have gotten any stronger than earlier this week.  

I have been planning all along to POAS on Sunday so I could begin to cope with a BFN if that was the result.  BUT...  I really am enjoying this week believing I could actually be pregnant.  If I actually am pregnant, I want to know as soon as I can know... but if I'm not pregnant I don't want to ruin that feeling by finding out too soon that I'm not pregnant, just crazy.  

Implantation Bleeding?

Could I be experiencing implantation bleeding?  I'm not one to examine the TP but I have been the last couple of days.  Today, twice, I have seen specks on the TP.  For those who may follow me on twitter, I just posed this question:

"who has experienced implantation bleeding? is there a fair amount or just specks? I'm seeing specks today... 7dpiui... could it be???"  and the first response I got was "tiny specks like two bathroom trips and that was it. *fingers crossed*" 

I will not show you (or anyone) the photo I took of the TP...  the fact that I took a picture feeds right into this 2ww insanity!

Must get back to work... I'm just really excited (more excited than afraid at the moment)!!

Seven Things (Virtual Blogger Award)

Finally... my response to the Versitle Blogger Award.  

I don't deserve the award given the long delay in putting my response together. I'm trying to figure out why I was having trouble making myself put this post together? Other than receiving the nod during my 5th BFN something has been holding me back... I'm not quite sure still what has been holding me back, but here goes.

Here are the rules:

• Thank and link back to the person nice enough to give you the award
• Share seven things about yourself
• Pass the award along to seven other bloggers who you think are fabulous
• Contact the bloggers you chose and let them know about the award

First, a thank you to all of the nods that came my way. I am afraid I didn't capture everyone who gave me a shout-out... and for this I am sorry. I was not tracking and figured that I would go back and reread those blogs... now so much time has past I'm sure I'll be leaving someone out... but here goes: THANKS GOES TO...  

• Shannon @ Chasing Rainbows,  who I met through a group of SMC's "in real life", before we connected in the blogsphere 
• Faith @ Exploring My Options  who I feel like I've known a long time... and my youngest dog's namesake
• Jay @ Stork Stalking - scientist, bookworm, excellent blogger and got her first (great) beta today Congrats Jay
• Nell @ Skating on the Edge of Madness  a teacher who I love to read because she does a great job of expressing the experience of SMC TTC
• Baby Chase Project - who just finished her 2ww with a bit of a cruel tease, unfortunately not the desired result.  I'm so sorry, TTC is such an emotional rollercoaster  
• One additional 'nod' to misconceived who reminded me that people did want to read about my 'seven things'.

Seven things about me...

1.  I'm an introverted extrovert.  My friends would disagree with this statement but I do have to know someone well, feel comfortable and accepted in order to open up and be myself.  I'm simply not good at small talk so that sometimes makes me come across as quiet or unsociable.

2.  I'm actually allergic to shellfish but never liked it or seafood. 

3.  I'm a reformed workaholic.  My average work week used to be 60+ hours (which explains the 39 and never married, I threw myself into my work).  Things changed when I got laid off last year... it was a very difficult lesson but I have come out on the other side no longer interested in ladder climbing or title chasing.  I'm STILL learning what to do with all of this additional time now that I don't work 24/7.

4.  I'm a reformed careless spender.  This goes hand-in-hand with the layoff mentioned above.  For so many years I would buy something when I wanted it, always pay full price and never blink.  I had a boat!  Now I enjoy consignment stores, clip coupons, buy in bulk or I just don't buy at all.

5.  My house is FAR too big for a single woman, this goes along with the careless spending.  My house is great, in a fabulous neighborhood but it's 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 2800 square feet with a mortgage that now, in my reformed ways, makes me uncomfortable.  I would love to downsize but obviously we all know the state of the real estate market...

6.  I grew up in South Florida... my entire family is still there, along with a couple of close friends. I'd love to be near my family again but just can't imagine living in that heat/humidity again; if it were not for the climate, I'd be back there.

7.  I am so scared.  After six IUI tries, five failed, one unknown yet.  IVF is not a sure thing.  How much money do I spend TTC?  How much emotion and heartbreak do I allow?  TTC puts me in this place I have labeled 'Mid-Life Limbo' where I'm in a constant state of waiting, not really moving forward, but waiting to do so.  I'm not prepared for this not to work, I'm not prepared if being a mom is not in God's plan for my life.

As mentioned by several in our SMC blog community, I believe we have passed this award around to each other quite a bit.  Going with their theme, I'm not going to recycle the award back through the community.

Again (x6)

It's the night before IUI #6 and all through my ovaries, my two big 'ole follies are growing, ready to ovulate.

So my SIXTH IUI is tomorrow morning.  And although it is my 6th time through this, I'm feeling good about my chances.  I told the ladies in the lab that "the sixth time is the charm".  

My ultrasound yesterday (CD12) showed TWO big follicles on my left ovary, at 22 and 26.  I can feel them just ready to go....  I'm asking they hold on several more hours until tomorrow morning.   While waiting on the doctor I closed my eyes and prayed I could have two or three follies ready this cycle, since all but one of my previous cycles produced a single follie.  This prayer was answered!

I started acupuncture last week.  I've been hearing so much about its infertility benefits that I decided to just do it.  While I find it relaxing, I'm not sure I would do it if I were not dealing with infertility.  It takes me 10 minutes or so to relax, but by the time the acupuncturist comes back in, I'm so totally relaxed I don't want to get up.  And I continue to feel really good and relaxed for days after.

Since my IUI is tomorrow, my beta date will be November 2.... which happens to be the same day I have an appointment with Dr. T to discuss IVF.  

My Versatile Blogger Award post is in draft form.  I just need more time to clean it up... but I will finally post it sometime very soon.

Hymn of Promise

I'm not an overly religious person.  When I was a teenager I was a leader in youth group and very spiritual.   I've tried to keep touch with my faith and spirituality in my adult years but it's been difficult, admittedly I've lost touch.  When we are young it is so easy to believe and have hope...  before life gets in the way...  

Recently SIF mentioned something about wanting to get back to church.  I want the same... but know I'm so hormonal (aka emotional) now that going to church could easily mean "breakdown" (aka making a spectacle of myself).

I was visiting my parents this weekend and although my dad came down with a virus/cold, mom and I went to church this morning.  There were three different points in the service that I had to make myself think of FOOTBALL (anything to get my mind off the subject at church) because I started to choke up/tear up.  

One of those moments was during a hymn... I had to stop singing and think of the Gator game yesterday (sad loss)...  it was the Hymn of Promise.  Here are the lyrics that got to me (google the whole song for all lyrics)...

In the cold and snow of winter there’s a spring that waits to be.

There’s a dawn in every darkness, bringing hope to you and me.
From the past will come the future; what it holds, a mystery.

In our end is our beginning; in our time, infinity;
In our doubt there is believing

Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

Call me Crazy... and hopeful

It turns out the dogs did not get their day at the park on Sunday... I kept getting emotional so I never actually left the house...  but you all were right, based on your comments... I needed to cry it out.  And cry it out I did!!!   Your feedback was so therapeutic... even though it did make me cry even more at the time...  your support was key to my healing.

Monday, I felt much better.  I wasn't happy that I just experienced another BFN... but I felt I had done my grieving for the cycle and hit acceptance.

I felt the same way when I got up this morning.  But as any long-term TTC-er will do, until AF arrives, you must POAS.  This morning I did POAS first thing.  And when I saw the white space with the single line I dismissed it without the typical over-analyzation of the 2ww....  I had already stopped my progesterone supplements and notified the nurse on Monday about my BFN.

So during my 8:30 conference call, I pick up the stick...  suddenly, I realized (while on Mute) that there is something resembling a second line... something more than I've seen in all of these months of HPT testing.  It was faint... very faint.  I walked out to my backyard where the sunlight was streaming to verify whether I was actually seeing something...  I think I do...  it certainly looks like there could be something that looks like a line, at a certain angle, in good sunlight...

I grab my last digital test and go back to the bathroom where the cup still sits (I don't actually POAS... I use little disposable shot glass size cups).  While I wait for the digital HPT to process... I start to worry since I didn't take my progesterone yesterday.  If I actually am pregnant... then I need my progesterone... but if I'm not pregnant... I don't want to take the progesterone and delay my cycle further .  

And still, while I'm waiting for the digital HPT to process, I looked at the stick again in the sunlight... and still think I might see something...  so I decided that it didn't matter what the digital said... I needed a Beta (bloodwork) to know for sure.  

The digital processed a... BFN.  I still picked up my cell phone and left the nurse a message that I wanted a bloodtest to verify whether or not I'm pregnant.  

So be it... blood drawn... I'm either pregnant or crazy...

The nurse called, the blood test was negative.  Insanity confirmed!

I knew with the whole swirl of the morning that it was a long shot and it could be my eyes/mind playing tricks on me...  AND IT WAS...  but the HOPE I felt, I have not felt that kind of hope in a long time... not since before the first or second BFN.  It felt good!  It felt REAL.  It was the closest to feeling like it WILL happen for me that I've felt in so long...

I didn't have to mourn the confirmed BFN today...  while I would have been thrilled if I were pregnant... the feeling of true hope... I can't explain how good it felt!

So while I'm about to start my 6th IUI cycle (AF started her visit late today)... I went ahead and scheduled an IVF consult with my doctor for Nov 2... which should be right around the end of my 6th 2ww...  but I don't want to wait until a 6th BFN to be confirmed to schedule the appointment for IVF consultation...  because at that point it would be January before I could start an IVF cycle...  this way... my November cycle will be the start of my IVF cycle (if need be).

Sorry for the long play-by-play, my friends.  Just sharing.

The Single Line

I've not been able to bring myself to write this week.  I greatly appreciate all of the comments from I've Got Nothing, the support and encouragement from the blogosphere reminds me I'm not alone in this journey.  Really, all of you bloggers know how much it helps to receive this virtual support, every comment is appreciated.  I did still have some hope for the cycle, especially because my BBT started to rise more after that post and I wanted to believe my back cramps could be a positive sign.

I tested yesterday and today. And for the fifth cycle now I see only the single line, a single line with a maddening amount of clear white space next to it. I HATE that white space, it mocks me. If I had not seen pictures of others who have seen the mysterious second line I wouldn't believe it actually exists.  The white space makes my head spin and my brain plays tricks on me... but it's simply a vast starch-white piece of cardboard taunting "You're NOT pregnant... look as much as you want, you're still not going to be pregnant".  I dread the first glance at the stick because I have developed a fear of seeing the single line and corresponding white space.  And why do I torture myself by not throwing out that single line piece of cardboard right away?  I know a second line will not mysteriously appear several hours later, but I still go back and look, again and again and again.

My beta date is tomorrow but I told myself I would test today since it's Sunday and I need to come to terms with a negative on Sunday, not on Monday when I'm trying to concentrate on work.   

So as of yesterday and today... I am in tears on & off.  I attribute all of the drugs to making me so emotional.  Yesterday I made an effort to enjoy the day and took the dogs on a hike (the weather is gorgeous).  My girls make me laugh and smile, even when I'm sad.   They're going to make great "big sisters" one day...

Today I've not yet managed to get off the couch.  I'm going to... I'm going to take the girls out again, I don't know where?  It has to be somewhere private so if I start crying I don't draw all kinds of attention.

Thanks to Shannon for the Versatile Blogger Award nod.  I'll write a post on that when my spirits are better.

I've Got Nothing

Halfway through my 5th 2ww... I have nothing to share or offer.  Close your browser now if you don't want to read pessimistic jargon.

If I had to place a bet on my odds, I'd say I'm not pregnant.  Part of that is based on fear of getting my hopes up... but the rest is:

 

1.  3 days post IUI I had EWCM for the first time in months (the Clomid dried me up previously), 3 DAYS after my IUI
2. I have NO symptoms
3. I've been feeling PMS cramps since Saturday, 5 days post IUI... back cramps, not abdomen cramps
4. My BBT temps are pretty darn low, extremely low for this part of my cycle
5. 6.  7.  8.  9. 10. I'm just too afraid to get my hopes up that I might be pregnant for the known disappointment of a negative.

I'm committing to one more IUI cycle (after this cycle completes), for a total of six IUI cycles... and then I'm going to IVF.

I NEVER, never contemplated IVF when I started this process... I was going to get pregnant my first time out...  but now, I'm ready for IVF.  I believe IVF will give me the best opportunity to realize my dream, goal, destiny, of being a mom to a really great kid!

Sorry friends, I'd love to be a ray of sunshine... I'm just not feeling it.

Wanted: Politically Correct Porn Coordinator

So Dr. T was available to do my IUI yesterday.  The new swimmers were 30 million strong; they successfully survived the weekend on my kitchen table!  At this moment my big ole Follie either was fertilized or it wasn't... but I won't know for sure until sometime around October 4th.  

During the IUI preparation, I was explaining to Dr. T and my favorite RN S, the "drama" of last week which led to the need for me to spend the weekend with the Swimmers in the house.  Somehow this led to Dr. T talking about the questionable porn collection maintained in the collection rooms at the clinic.  One of her clients mentioned to her one of the titles found in the collection...  "Triple Midgets" (I have not googled this title)...  

S and I just started quietly cracking up as Dr. T explained that she went to Dr. W and asked him to screen the porn in the collection rooms to ensure it was "appropriate".  Apparently a few ladies in the Lab decided to "take one for the team" and screen Triple Midgets... and the consensus was it was just "wrong", plus it looked like it had been filmed in someone's garage... Big surprise?  

While Dr. T relating this story was truly funny, what made it hysterical was that my sweet nurse S was trying so hard to hold in her giggles without success and she seemed truly amazed that this was coming from Dr. T.  S kept looking at me and I kept looking at her and that made it worse, we were both in hysterics.

Hopefully laughter is EXCELLENT for an IUI... because if that is the case then I'd say this was a success.  

Cycle 5, Day 12... One Follie... early IUI

I am now entering the pre-ovulation phase for my 5th IUI cycle (pre-ovulation is my term, not a medical term).  This is my first cycle on the Femara & Gonal-F.  I've also been sick all week, my BBT has been OFF THE CHARTS... up to 1 full degree higher than my typical Luteal phase temp.  I assume it's the illness but wonder if the new drugs have anything to do with elevated temps?  I'm hoping I didn't FRY my eggs...

My CD12 ultrasound was this morning.  This month I have ONE good Follie, 24mm, on my left ovary (last month I had two 18mm follies on my right ovary).  Currently my right ovary has several follies less than 8mm...  basically they are taking the month off and letting this one follie on my left Ovary do all of the heavy lifting.

I'm happy with the 24mm Follie.  I'm just concerned that with the drug regimen I've just completed that there wasn't more than one.  Dr. T was actually the doctor in the office today so she mentioned that IF I need a 'next' cycle that she may put me on birth control first to suppress the cycle and ideally get both ovaries to produce some good Follies... this is something I know is usually done in IVF but she thought given what we've learned over my cycles that it would be good to add in for me in an IUI cycle.

Anyway, I've been instructed to trigger tonight and come in tomorrow morning... I guess Ovulation is imminent and so my IUI may be tomorrow instead of Tuesday.  

I'm actually really happy that my IUI will probably be tomorrow (except for my work schedule conflicts I'll have to juggle).  I was starting to feel a little foolish for having the Swimmers delivered to my house yesterday rather than counting on them being delivered to my clinic by Tuesday morning... cutting it very close for my originally anticipated Tuesday IUI.  IF I had not made that decision... I could have gone through this expensive cycle only to get to IUI day with no Swimmers.  

The swimmers, by the way, are still hanging out on the kitchen table.