Thursday, December 30, 2010

What Direction is Forward?

Has anyone seen my Mojo?  My motivation?  My sense of being?  My purpose?

Normally I wouldn't share something so personal, something that exposes my weaknesses and vulnerabilities... but I'm having a bad day and I feel like I just need to get this out.

15 years ago I moved to Charlotte.  I started my career, experienced significant relationships, developed deep friendships, traveled, partied and created a very satisfied life... until recently.

I've been struggling...  for nearly two years I've been feeling lost.  Not constantly but consistently.

So much of my self, my confidence and purpose was wrapped up for so long in my career.  Since the layoff in early 2009 things changed.  Now that I am back at the same company that laid me off, I'm in a job I can't stand and that causes constant stress and anxiety.

While it hurts to admit it, many of my friends and I have grown apart, some have moved, I have changed.  While I see most of my friends regularly, it's not frequent.  A number of them are still into late nights of partying; many of them have husbands and children that keep them busy.  I find that I have far too many days that I spend alone... but I also know this is primarily self-imposed.  I'm not a ball of laughs to be around these days.

I'm also now about 50 lbs overweight, gained over the last 2 years.  I beat myself up over this constantly, every moment of every day.  As of yesterday I started working on this nutritionally but I am unmotivated to exercise.  Why?

I know what I need to do but I'm struggling with execution...  I need to find my sense of self, my motivation, my happiness.  I want to volunteer.  I need to get involved in church. I need to get into an exercise routine.  I need to proactively reach out to my friends.  I need to live my life purposefully, even while dealing with infertility (which only accentuates my problems).

And I worry about money.  I am tired of being 'house poor' (meaning having a mortgage too uncomfortably high for my comfort).  I want to sell my house but the economy will force a signifiant loss.  I do believe I could make up for it in my next, less expensive, house purchase.  I could actually buy a nice house and have NO MORTGAGE, rather than my current hefty mortgage.  The next question is WHERE would I buy my next house?

After nearly 20 years away from my hometown (I went to college in NC also) I have been thinking more and more about moving back.  This statement will absolutely SHOCK my family... I've not told them of these thoughts.

The reason why I seem to want to move back to my hometown is because of family.  My entire family is still in South Florida.  While I am not a fan of the HOT and HUMID Florida summers, in working to create my own little family, I'm realizing how important family is to me.  I want my child to be raised near family... I want to be near family... in order to do that I would need to move back to Florida.

My job, and many other opportunities at my company, allows me to work remotely.  With having little or no mortgage I can build up my savings again... and travel... and not be so uptight about money.  I could even request a role with less responsibility and, if that comes with less money, I could still live comfortably.

For the moment, I seem to be paralyzed with fear, anxiety and loneliness.  This too shall pass... but I need to move forward... and before I can do that I need to figure out what direction forward is?

*******
While I did pretty good over the holidays considering my IVF fail, I've been crying all day today.  My poor neighbor just came by and was subjected to my puffy, wet eyes.  I imagine much of this emotion I'm feeling is from coming off of 8 months of hormones.  This cycle is a forced break, which for the first time is fine with me.  It was expected that if my IVF failed I would have to take a couple of months off.  I have a meeting with my RE on January 17 to discuss next steps.

And in the meantime I'm going to figure out how to pick myself back up and start living again.

18 comments:

  1. Hang in there! Although I'm about a year behind you in my TTC journey I can identify with a lot of your thoughts and feelings. Trying to move forward with my life but because of the uncertainty of possible impending motherhood I'm not sure what direction or plans I should be making. Move, stay where I am, stay with my schedule friendly job, look for a higher paying job, spend money on things I want, save it all for baby. I also go back and forth on returning to my hometown. I'm 20 years and 800 miles removed, but I want my baby to have family and that's where they are. My thoughts are with you as you continue on this journey.

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  2. Hmm...there are a lot of similarities here. We've been ttc for almost 2 years. After 5 failed IUIs, we're moving to IVF in the new year. Twenty years ago, I moved away from my small town to go to school and make a career. My family lives over 1000 kms away. And I definitely know what you mean about being house poor. We live in on of the most expensive regions of Canada. There's a silly website that poses the question "Crack shack or million dollar home". Seriously, real estate is that expensive here.
    http://www.crackshackormansion.com/

    It's tough to keep hope alive when it seems like everything is a struggle. But hope is all we really have at this point. I hope 2011 gives us all what we truly desire.

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  3. Oh, BB, the questions just keep coming don't they? I'm sorry that you are struggling too. I have no words of wisdom, but I am thinking of you and am here if you want to vent as you figure out which way is forward.

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  4. I understand being at that crossroads in your life, but the right decision will come to you. I had relocated to CA but moved back here a few years ago (to MI). My family are all here and now that I'm TTC, I have to admit that i couldn't see doing this and being anywhere but here. I wish you much luck and a +++++ 2011!

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  5. Wow I could have wrote this as I was staring at my fat ass in the dressing room mirror at Kohls today. I kept thinking about how I used to go out. How I used to be involved in activities and how I use to workout and have a rock hard body and now I stay home, work and get fat. I know that feeling of where's my mojo and which direction is forward! You really hit the nail on the head with this post! Here's hoping 2011 puts us in the right direction!

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  6. I'm really sorry you've had a crappy day :(

    I can also relate to many of your thoughts and I'm also not 100% settled where I am. On reading your post my first thought was "Hell yeah! Move back to Florida!!" It seems a no-brainer, but I do realise that life is more complex than what is written in a couple of sentences.

    I don't have family to move close to, so I am truly alone on my SMC journey and must rely on friends for support. Annoyingly my close friends mostly live in a different part of the country (I have good friends here too, but less) so if I moved I may have better support there, but ultimately it will still be me. Alone.

    "I want to volunteer. I need to get involved in church. I need to get into an exercise routine. I need to proactively reach out to my friends."

    One thing at a time!! No wonder you are feeling so paralyzed, you are swamped with too many "shoulds". Interesting that volunteering is the only "want" versus the other "needs", but despite that distinct psychological flag, my vote would still go for exercise. It is the single best thing you can do for your energy/motivation/weight/general health/fertility/life/self esteem.

    Good luck with all your big decisions BB. I think you already know which direction forward is. I think you are already on that path.

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  7. I am so sorry you're feeling such turmoil...so many decisions. I wish I had some great advice but lame cliches are all that's swirling in my head...& we all know how useful those are! :)

    I'm reminded of a movie quote from Object of My Affection: "Head Up, Young Person."

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  8. I know that lonely, useless feeling very well. The good part however, is that you're an awesome woman and you're right - this too shall pass.

    When I'm unsure what to do next, I pray a lot, I meditate and I wait. "If you don't know what to do, don't do anything." Usually if I wait and I listen to my inner guide, soon enough something comes along and points me in the right direction. Something comes up that says "yes, go ahead with this plan, it looks like things will work out.." or something says "nope, here's a reason why you shouldn't do this."

    So hang in there and wait a little bit. Sometimes even a week makes a huge difference in how resolved we feel about something.

    Sending you positive energy :)

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  9. I can relate and know this is a difficult time, especially during the holidays.. Sometimes we face obstacles because there is something great that is about to happen... I wish there was something I can tell you to cheer you up. Know that you are not alone. Hugs.

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  10. I'm sorry you're having a crap day.
    So many questions and directions you could go into. Sorry I have no insight and no answers but I'm praying you find them in the new year.

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  11. I'm sorry you are having a crappy day. I can tell you I know exactly how you feel - in fact, reading your timeline I could have been looking at my diary. 6 failied IUI's, 1 failed IVF which I was convinced was going to work. When I started this journey in Nov 2009 I was convinced I would be one of those for whom fertility treatment works in the first few times. Nope, apparently not. I was originally against the forced break after the IVF fail but now that I've been off the meds for a couple of months I feel like I've returned to normal (well, fairly normal - still obsessed with the baby process). I'm starting up again in January. I hope that your meeting with yoru RE in January leads you to a good plan, and that 2011 is successful for you. (and me). Good Luck. Katy

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  12. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling right now. I can totally empathize on being house poor. I'm hoping the market improves by 2014 so that I can sell my town home and move because the mortgage is simply ridiculous. I'm in the same boat work wise, too. I'd quit tomorrow but the bills don't pay themselves.

    I do hope you can find your way back to feeling better.

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  13. You have so many things being thrown at you right now, it's overwhelming! I hope that getting the crazy hormones out of your system at least helps you to be able to decide which thing you want to tackle next.

    Sending you happy and hopeful wishes for a wonderful 2011!

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  14. You know what I feel the same way. You just put it into words. I think my drive to go home has to do with my family. A connection that is beyond friendship. A connection I miss. I really thought when I left home by this time I would be married with my own children. I also have a hard time explaning these feelings to my married friends. Especially the unhapply married friends. They seem to think my life is great.

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  15. Sounds to me like you KNOW what you want to do you are just having trouble diving in. Have you considered renting your house until the market turns around? That has worked wonderfully for me!

    As for the diet I started using the website www.sparkpeople.com They have recipes, a nutrition and calorie tracker, exercices and support. I love it and it has really helped me.

    Good luck and cyber hugs.

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  16. I'm sorry you had one of those rough days lady... They seem to be sneaking up on me more and more lately as well. No fun at all. :(

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  17. I'd missed this post completely or I would have commented before. I'm in a lot of these places too...I feel removed from all my friends who just want to party and enjoy life, I spent most of Tuesday bawling my eyes out, I don't know where my life is going (and that is really scary) and I'm definitely planning on moving back to be with family, that is a very good idea IMO. Hope your spirits have lifted since the writing of this.

    (((((((((hugs))))))))

    Maybe all of us down in the dumps should start a phone support group or something...nobody can relate like somebody going through such tough times!!

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  18. I hear you. On all fronts. The interesting thing, though, is that reading your post I got the feeling that you DO have direction and know what you want to do. You just haven't quite done it yet. Don't beat yourself up! When the time is right, you'll know and you'll be ready. In the meantime, hang in there!

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