I've not been able to bring myself to write this week. I greatly appreciate all of the comments from I've Got Nothing, the support and encouragement from the blogosphere reminds me I'm not alone in this journey. Really, all of you bloggers know how much it helps to receive this virtual support, every comment is appreciated. I did still have some hope for the cycle, especially because my BBT started to rise more after that post and I wanted to believe my back cramps could be a positive sign.
I tested yesterday and today. And for the fifth cycle now I see only the single line, a single line with a maddening amount of clear white space next to it. I HATE that white space, it mocks me. If I had not seen pictures of others who have seen the mysterious second line I wouldn't believe it actually exists. The white space makes my head spin and my brain plays tricks on me... but it's simply a vast starch-white piece of cardboard taunting "You're NOT pregnant... look as much as you want, you're still not going to be pregnant". I dread the first glance at the stick because I have developed a fear of seeing the single line and corresponding white space. And why do I torture myself by not throwing out that single line piece of cardboard right away? I know a second line will not mysteriously appear several hours later, but I still go back and look, again and again and again.
My beta date is tomorrow but I told myself I would test today since it's Sunday and I need to come to terms with a negative on Sunday, not on Monday when I'm trying to concentrate on work.
So as of yesterday and today... I am in tears on & off. I attribute all of the drugs to making me so emotional. Yesterday I made an effort to enjoy the day and took the dogs on a hike (the weather is gorgeous). My girls make me laugh and smile, even when I'm sad. They're going to make great "big sisters" one day...Today I've not yet managed to get off the couch. I'm going to... I'm going to take the girls out again, I don't know where? It has to be somewhere private so if I start crying I don't draw all kinds of attention.
Thanks to Shannon for the Versatile Blogger Award nod. I'll write a post on that when my spirits are better.
