Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Call me Crazy... and hopeful

It turns out the dogs did not get their day at the park on Sunday... I kept getting emotional so I never actually left the house...  but you all were right, based on your comments... I needed to cry it out.  And cry it out I did!!!   Your feedback was so therapeutic... even though it did make me cry even more at the time...  your support was key to my healing.

Monday, I felt much better.  I wasn't happy that I just experienced another BFN... but I felt I had done my grieving for the cycle and hit acceptance.

I felt the same way when I got up this morning.  But as any long-term TTC-er will do, until AF arrives, you must POAS.  This morning I did POAS first thing.  And when I saw the white space with the single line I dismissed it without the typical over-analyzation of the 2ww....  I had already stopped my progesterone supplements and notified the nurse on Monday about my BFN.

So during my 8:30 conference call, I pick up the stick...  suddenly, I realized (while on Mute) that there is something resembling a second line... something more than I've seen in all of these months of HPT testing.  It was faint... very faint.  I walked out to my backyard where the sunlight was streaming to verify whether I was actually seeing something...  I think I do...  it certainly looks like there could be something that looks like a line, at a certain angle, in good sunlight...

I grab my last digital test and go back to the bathroom where the cup still sits (I don't actually POAS... I use little disposable shot glass size cups).  While I wait for the digital HPT to process... I start to worry since I didn't take my progesterone yesterday.  If I actually am pregnant... then I need my progesterone... but if I'm not pregnant... I don't want to take the progesterone and delay my cycle further .  

And still, while I'm waiting for the digital HPT to process, I looked at the stick again in the sunlight... and still think I might see something...  so I decided that it didn't matter what the digital said... I needed a Beta (bloodwork) to know for sure.  

The digital processed a... BFN.  I still picked up my cell phone and left the nurse a message that I wanted a bloodtest to verify whether or not I'm pregnant.  

So be it... blood drawn... I'm either pregnant or crazy...

The nurse called, the blood test was negative.  Insanity confirmed!

I knew with the whole swirl of the morning that it was a long shot and it could be my eyes/mind playing tricks on me...  AND IT WAS...  but the HOPE I felt, I have not felt that kind of hope in a long time... not since before the first or second BFN.  It felt good!  It felt REAL.  It was the closest to feeling like it WILL happen for me that I've felt in so long...

I didn't have to mourn the confirmed BFN today...  while I would have been thrilled if I were pregnant... the feeling of true hope... I can't explain how good it felt!

So while I'm about to start my 6th IUI cycle (AF started her visit late today)... I went ahead and scheduled an IVF consult with my doctor for Nov 2... which should be right around the end of my 6th 2ww...  but I don't want to wait until a 6th BFN to be confirmed to schedule the appointment for IVF consultation...  because at that point it would be January before I could start an IVF cycle...  this way... my November cycle will be the start of my IVF cycle (if need be).

Sorry for the long play-by-play, my friends.  Just sharing.

7 comments:

  1. Sorry friends... I've been working on adjusting my settings to make my own viewable font larger (must need reading glasses)... but something wacky happened with my post format... hope I'll fix it for next post.

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  2. I am so pleased you got your 'hope' back! Will be following and hoping along with you this cycle.

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  3. I can completely understand what you are trying to say, though I would not for the life of me be able to explain it to anybody else:)

    I'm glad you are feeling good about things- this WILL work, it is only a question of how prolonged the journey will be!

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  4. Hang on to that hope!! It's so important! I love what Jay said! "this WILL work, it is only a question of how prolonged the journey will be!" So true!

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  5. The BFNs are always easier when you have the next plan already in play. Some days it felt like I was just seeing if I could win the lottery through different strategies rather than trying to get pregnant.

    A good cry and something to remind you of hope... a wonderful combination to get you back in the game.

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  6. Really the #s of IUI do not mean much. It just depends on your RE approach. If your RE does not do unmedicated cycle, then you would have a total of 4 IUI. I know some REs that only do Clomid one time then move to Femara immediately.

    It's going to happen, I know it. Don't give up.

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  7. I'm so happy you've found your hope again! And I'm glad you have a plan, though I'm hoping and praying that the IVF consult turns out to be a waste of time and money. :)

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