PAIL

PAIL
Elphaba over at Alice in Diaperland started a conversation last week about the scars of infertility, even after defeating IF.  She talked about the fact that she can't relate to the fertile mommy bloggers even though she is now a mommy herself.  She asked for feedback from readers, and boy did she get it, about feeling on the edge of a community, being stuck between the ALI community and the fertile mommy's.

Many from the ALI community are hesitant to participate in ICLW after getting pregnant, knowing how it feels to be in the throws of the battle and clicking on an infertility blog that is all about pregnancy or parenting.  OUCH!  It hurts to put it mildly.

I know, I am guilty of unfollowing bloggers who moved on while I was still crushed and wondering how I would cope with never being able to conceive.  It wasn't personal, it was self-preservation.

Long story short, Elphaba has created a new community, an extension of the ALI community, for women who have defeated infertility, at least briefly.  Click over to PAIL, Parenting/Pregnant After Infertility and/or Loss to read more and join the community.  As you can see, it's catching on quick.  Then add the button to your own blog!

And a special thanks to Elphaba for starting the conversation and moving so fast to put this new community together!!

Around the blogsphere...

There are so many people cycling now, or getting ready to cycle.  I hope to see a lot of BFP's in the near future!!  A special shout out to My Fertility Blog on her long-awaited FET tomorrow, a special person who I had the pleasure to meet and share dinner with back in Colorado.

Super Congratulations go out to Miss Ohkay on finally getting her sweet and precious little girl through international adoption (it was a long, difficult wait)... All if the Twitter IF community was stalking her on Sunday while she was at the airport waiting on the plane.  Also, I'm so glad that you are back home with her (after being hospitalized 2 days for illness).  So exciting!!

Congrats to several new prego's for your recent BFP's and excellent betas!!!
Jen at Me, Myself and Infertility - a fellow SMC
Newbie at Infertile in the City - a CCR.M success
Mo at Life and Love in the Petri Dish - another CCR.M success

Also, please send your love & prayers over to Mo at Mommy Odyssey in the wake of her heartbreaking loss of her baby boy.

I left so many of you out, it's impossible to mention everyone... but I'm following along and rooting for each of you!

Mark Your Calendars - NIAW
Resolve has announced the dates for this year's National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).  Mark your calendars for April 22 - 28 and think about how you will support along with the theme of "Don't Ignore Infertility".

It's a....

Courtesy of Google Images

It's a girl!  I'm having a baby girl!!!  A daughter.  I'm overjoyed!  After the scan I had this peaceful feeling of calm, I realized that I felt truly happy for the first time in a very long time.  I guess it (finally) all became real.  I'm really pregnant and I'm expecting a healthy baby girl. 

The scan itself went great, she's measuring on track and everything looks good.  That combined with my 2nd Trimester bloodwork continues to keep me in the low risk category - for a high risk patient.  I will have another detailed scan at 24w, where they will take a close look at the development of her heart.  

I love being able to refer to 'she' & 'her' now, rather than 'it' or 'the baby'.

Here she is!! 18w3d

My best buddy, J, came with me to the scan yesterday.  He has never seen a pregnancy ultrasound, although he's had several of his own stomach due to gastrointestinal problems that landed him in the hospital for a couple of weeks last year.  

J is a lifelong athlete with an interest in the human body so he was enthralled watching the screen, pointing things out and asking the tech lots of questions.

We were talking about finding out, and J being there.  I said something along the lines of J being able to tell baby girl that Uncle J got to see her girl parts for the first time.  The room was silent before we all started cracking up, the ultrasound tech included, when I realized how pervy that had just sounded.  J was like, I didn't see anything!  Give me a break, I just found out I'm expecting a baby girl, my head wasn't working properly!  You know what I meant!

I have the funniest ultrasounds.

And of course, I did a little shopping for baby girl yesterday!  I'll have to take some pictures of the goods to share in another post.

17w4d - In Bullets

So I want to take the opportunity to record a little bit of the standard stuff about pregnancy... feel free to skip posts like these.


Size of baby 

• Baby is currently between the size of an Onion & Sweet Potato 

Total Weight Gain 

• +1 lb (or if you count the weight I dropped until recently, I'm up 6lbs)
• It's crazy, I know... but remember I started about 50lbs overweight

Current symptoms

• Food aversions, lack of appetite
• "Morning" sickness - I'm still getting sick at least once a day, and retch several other times during the day
• Constipation (OMG!  I'm so glad I don't deal with this in my non-pregnant life... it can be miserable at times)
• Heartburn - I now keep 2 bottles of Tums handy; one in the kitchen and the other on my nightstand

Maternity Clothes

• I'm wearing maternity jeans (wow, the best invention ever) and tops
• Since I work from home I'm also wearing a lot of my regular yoga pants/t-shirts
• I can still wear my regular jeans but they are not comfortable; when I go into the office I usually put on a non-maternity dress or skirt (very forgiving)
• I'm running into a problem with maternity sizing for dress pants so I have not bought any.  The XL are a bit snug in the thighs/butt... but the 1x absolutely swims on me, hence wearing my dresses/skirts to the office.

Sleep

• I get up around 2am & 5:30am to use the bathroom every night
• I have been using Tylenol PM (OB approved) to sleep many nights
• I'm sleeping great, unassisted, on nights after I workout

Cravings (Tolerances)

• Carbs - Pasta, cereal, pizza, bread/grilled cheese
• Fruit - Apples, Bananas
• SWEETS

Fitness

• After being on exercise restriction since starting my stims in mid-October, I'm finally working out again
• I'm working with my trainer again (prenatal certified & a mom of young kids)!!  The first few workouts I fatigued greatly & quickly but that seems to be improving. 
• Workouts help get things moving in the constipation department, however during the workout it's the gas that kicks in first (my poor trainer)

Gender

• My scan is on Monday!!  I can't wait to find out!

Movement

• Nothing decipherable at this time

Recent/Upcoming Milestones

• Recent - For the first time since Sept/October, I'm no longer getting blood draws at least 1x a week
• Recent - I'm amazed at how anti-climatic OB appointments are.  It's just talk, really.  No more dropping my pants for Wandy on a regular basis
• Upcoming - Ultrasound on Monday including anatomy scan!!

Doppler

I have not rented or bought a doppler.  At my 13week OB appointment, the nurse couldn't even pick up the heartbeat on the doppler and I had to have another ultrasound (oh darn).

I really didn't want to become someone who needs a home doppler for nightly reassurance... primarily because I have feared I'd use it wrong, not get the heartbeat and really freak myself out!!!

Two weeks ago, halfway between OB appointments, I was at the point that I needed to hear the heartbeat.  I needed to know everything was okay in there (the continued "morning" sickness and constipation isn't enough).  I remember that my nurse had said I could drop in and ask for her for a doppler check if I ever needed to hear the baby.  Since I live about 6 blocks from my OB's office, I thought this was a great option!  So off I went!

My nurse was down at their other office but another nurse checked me (no one even asked my name!) and there was the heartbeat, nice and strong.  I was so happy for that reassurance that I didn't even ask what the heart rate was.

Today was my 16 week OB appointment (at 16w5d) and the only thing I was focused on was getting to hear the baby's heartbeat.  It was a healthy 168!

I mentioned to my OB that I had stopped in a couple of weeks ago to hear the heartbeat.  She said that was fine... and I'm welcome to stop in as often as I need, even every week, if that's what I need!

I'm looking forward to feeling the baby's movements, hopefully within the next few weeks... until then, I see weekly walks over to my OB's office in my future.

Premature Preparation

The dogs have been passing a stomach bug around for the last couple of weeks.  Izzy had it first and for several nights got me up 2 - 3 times a night to go outside.  She wasn't acting like she was sick... she just stunk in general (bad gas & diarrhea), so it didn't seem to warrant a trip to the vet.  Mom was visiting and suggested we add rice to her meals.  That did the trick and she seemed (and smelled) much better by Saturday.

Faith & Izzy

Tuesday night, Faith came down with the same thing.  Initially, Faith didn't get me up to go outside.  The stench in my room was awful.  And when she did get me up, I stepped in liquid diarrhea.  Try being nauseated and clean that stinky mess up...  (thankfully this happened only the one time)

Faith got me up about every 2 hours through the night Tuesday night and last night!  She's now on a rice diet as well and seems to be doing better... we'll see how it goes tonight.

Me? I'm exhausted.  The thing is, when I get up in the middle of the night, I don't go back to sleep easily.  And with the sick dogs lately, I sleep very lightly... I hear them immediately when they need to go out.  My quantity and quality of sleep have suffered.

Obviously I see the irony of the situation.  The dogs are preparing me to be up with a baby all night.  But really, there is time for that!  I don't need to prepare for that just yet.

Today is the last day of my first trimester!

It's 8pm... I think it's time for bed.  Goodnight.

Low Risk - High Risk

*All about pregnancy*

I'm breathing a sigh of relief as I am currently classified as a Low Risk, High Risk patient.  The baby passed the NT scan with flying colors although it took a while to get the necessary measurements.  With the blood results that the nurse called me with today, risk for Downs is 1:560 and risk for Trisomy 18 is 1:10,000.  She told me I'm considered Low Risk (for a high risk patient).

Another successful milestone!  Thank you God!

The NT scan itself was a lot of fun.  Fun? you ask???  Well yes, since my friend LH came with me, it was fun.  LH always makes me laugh!

The NT scan is an abdominal ultrasound.  I was so excited to 'graduate' from the Wand.  But of course, it also requires a full bladder.  Mine was full, but needed to be a little more full.  So I kept drinking water.  The baby was fun to watch and the tech took lots of pictures.  She was really sweet and very positive, immediately telling me that everything looked good, although the doctor had to come in to log the actual measurements.

There are 3 doctors in this office and 2 were out unexpectedly with the flu.  One poor doctor was covering ALL of the appointments that day.  The only part of me that minded the extra wait was my bladder. But when he finally came in he was very personable and spent plenty of time with me.

Problem was, the babe didn't want to cooperate.  He couldn't get the right angle to get the measurements.  While I have always had a really strong bladder, I was starting to suffer, especially since trying to get the baby to move included pressing hard on my belly.  Might I add, LH was getting a kick out of this whole experience, her youngest is 7 so it's been a while since she's been through this. He finally gave me the option of filling my bladder more (not possible) or relieving my bladder and doing a vagi.nal ultrasound.

No contest.

I estimate that I've had at least 100 vaggie ultrasounds in the last 2 years.  If he was going to let me go to the bathroom, bring on Wandy!

So that's what we did.  Except it was the strangest vaggie ultrasound I've ever experienced.  Even from that vantage point, he was not getting the angle he needed.  So besides pressing on my abdomen there was also poking with the Wand (back & forth - you get the picture).  At this point, I realized how inappropriate this would be in any other situation and I couldn't contain my giggles.  Once I started laughing, LH started laughing too.  I won't go into further detail on this as my MOTHER sometimes reads this blog, hi Mom!

The good thing is that there was so much talking and joking going on the entire time between the tech, doctor, LH and me, that the reason for our added laughter was not obvious although I think the tech caught on.


Finally, the doctor got the positioning he needed for the measurement and all was good.

11w6d

The Hangover (and Balance)

**Pregnancy discussed**

So I was driving my car tonight on my way to pick up Thai food and suddenly knew I was going to puke!  Thankfully I still had some plastic bags nearby that I used as "poop bags" when I took the dogs to Florida over the holidays.  I grabbed a bag and sure enough, puked while driving.  I know that can't be safe, but my eyes never left the road!  I am now wearing this incident like a 'badge of honor'...  my funniest pregnancy puke story to date!

I, like many others in this situation before me, am struggling with the changes I need to make to my blog.  I've watched many others struggle with this after becoming pregnant after infertility.  There is a need to balance the desire to chronicle this new world of pregnancy while being sensitive to the feelings of so many who are still in the trenches of the fight with infertility.  I will continue to try to maintain this balance but I do understand if anyone still struggling is unable to read my posts right now, I wont forget how hard it was to read some posts from those who had found success.  I did unfollow some bloggers because it was too difficult to read about their exciting new developments when I was going through disappointment after disappointment; I did check their blogs on my own time, when I felt strong enough to read their developments.  If anyone needs to stop reading or unfollow me, believe me, I understand.

The other type of balance I am working on is balancing between my fear/thoughts that something will happen vs. positivity/embracing my pregnancy.  I don't like to talk about the fear/negative things although the thoughts are with me for fear of jinxing myself.  Unless that changes, I wont be writing about my fears anytime soon.  I do try to acknowledge the negative thoughts when they come and replace them with positive thoughts, like imagine that everything goes right.


"Morning" sickness kicked in at 7 weeks.  I describe the feeling as having a hangover all day, without having the party the night before.  I don't puke often.  Some days I don't puke at all, other days I'll puke 2 or 3 times, today was a 3x's kind of day.    I don't mind the puking.  The worst part is brushing my teeth.  I don't feel like I've done my teeth justice in weeks.  I will gag/puke more often than not when brushing my teeth which in turn makes you want to brush your teeth, but the last thing I want to do is put that toothbrush near my mouth again.


I am thankful for every molecule of energy this baby has drained from me even though I look forward to the day when I get the 'burst of energy' come second trimester.  I embrace the non-party all-day everyday hangover as it's a reminder that my body is doing miraculous things.  I am thankful for every gag and puke episode as it reassures me that my body is doing what it needs to to support my little one.

I am 11weeks, 5days today.  Tomorrow I meet my MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist), aka "high risk doctor" and will have my NT scan.  My good friend LH asked me today if I wanted her to come with me.  I had not thought about not going alone, but I embraced her offer to go with me.  I love my friends!

2011 in Review

As you can tell, I have not been a good blogger lately.  I have a lot I want to update you on but have not had the energy to write... I hope I will get better about that in 2012.

Dresden at Creating Motherhood had a creative way of posting a year-end recap that I thought I would leverage.  It probably will not mean much to anyone who reads it but I got a lot out of doing this little exercise.

Take the first sentence of the first blog post of each month...  


January:  I know, I know, I've been MIA.


February:    I have so many interesting twists and turns to share this week... a series of short posts.


March:    I've got 8 eggs!!!


April:    This is a random thought that hit me on the acupuncture table today... which is odd because I rarely have negative thoughts in my state of relaxation.


May:    I went to my first Resolve meeting this week (for those lucky enough not to know, Resolve is an Infertility support/advocacy organization). 


June:     I told the nurse to go ahead and book the appointment with Dr. T, fully expecting it would be late June. 


July:  So there is yet another bump in the road on the way to my baby bump. 


August:  Just a quick update because I've been up since 4:30am ET and I'm going to try to get to bed by 9pm Mountain Time. 


September:    Did you see Giuliana & Bill last night? 


October:    Again, plagiarized word-for-word from Jen at This Is Personal. 


November:  I've been feeling like my blog has become a broken record (and just imagine that there are younger generations in the world who will never really understand this analogy).  


December:    My apologies for my delay in posting the results from my POM Charm Givea.way.  


Happy New Year my friends!  I hope that 2012 brings you everything your heart desires!!

8w3d

*Pregnancy Discussed*

Today I had another ultrasound to see the baby.  I have been nervous for days about the scan.  The only thing that has been reassuring is that "morning sickness" kicked in at 7 weeks.  And then I threw up (for the second time) last night, so I was reassured that things must be progressing with baby - so I slept great (with incredible dreams).

At my 6w3d ultrasound I didn't see anything but a tiny blob.  I couldn't see (or hear) the heartbeat... I couldn't make anything out.  But the doctor saw what she needed to and that was enough for me.

Today's scan was amazing!  As soon as Wandy was in place, I saw the baby.  And it was a REAL baby!  And I immediately saw the heart beating.  And then I heard the heartbeat.  170bpm.  It wasn't moving around but its right arm was waiving.  I saw several angles including the back (spine developing) and side.  I honestly believe that the only ultrasound you can really make out is your own.  Or maybe because I saw it live on the screen, it's easier for me to make it out in the picture now.

Morning Sickness   I won't complain about it.  Tied in with the fatigue it makes me feel "off" most of the day.  But it is also reassuring.  On the days it's lighter, I tend to worry a little (hence, my good night of sleep after throwing up last night).  I also have a crappy appetite.  Nothing sounds appealing although I find myself wanting a burger fairly frequently.  But I also have a sweet tooth now, which is unusual for me.

My Refrigerator  It finally bit the dust.  It's been threatening since early this summer but it's been doing well the last month or two.  This weekend I realized that it is not nearly as cold as it needs to be.  I bought a thermometer and it was only 55 in the fridge (the freezer is fine).  I had the repair guy out today and he couldn't find anything wrong other than cleaning the coils.  That didn't do it - so I know I need to replace it (and had to throw just about everything out).  I went to Home Depot tonight and found one that I want that fits my awkward (limited) space.  It's more than I want to spend and can't be delivered until after Christmas.

I'm going to look a little more - since I'm going to see my family for Christmas, I can live without it until then but it makes my already difficult to please appetite even more difficult, as I can't keep milk, OJ, cheese, etc.  Cereal & OJ has been a staple...  oh well.

Hormones   My estrogen is good so I get to decrease my patches to 1 every other day (rather than 2).  My progesterone is fine but they are not decreasing anything just yet... still taking the 3x/day suppositories.

OB   My first OB appointment is tomorrow.  I don't know what to expect, so we'll see!

And The Winner Is...

My apologies for my delay in posting the results from my POM Charm Givea.way.  Things have gotten away from me recently, but that's a post for another day.

Thank you to the two bloggers who reblogged my post to enter the Giveaw.ay!  I obviously have a bit to learn about running a blog contest because I had envisioned dozens of entries, meaning dozens of posts spreading the word about POM Charms. I am happy to have shared the POM Charms with our little community regardless.  I wear my POM Charm necklace frequently and always receive comments on it, which allows me to share the story behind it.

Without further ado, the WINNER is [insert drumroll]  Mama Time Bomb!!

Congratulations Mama Time Bomb!  I will notify you on your blog and let you know how to claim your prize.

Unreal

***Pregnancy Discussed***

Today I am 6weeks 3days (6w3d).  I passed another milestone yet it doesn't seem real.  I had my first ultrasound this afternoon and I'm happy to report that there is ONE baby growing in my tummy and it has a heartbeat (doctor estimated it started beating in the last day or so, said it was about 115bpm)!!!

I was extremely relieved but I still don't really believe it.  Now that the babe has been visually confirmed, I need to work on accepting that I'm actually pregnant.  My symptoms are so mild, which I know I should be so thankful about, that I worry... while in my head I know that I'm doubly blessed to be pregnant AND have mild symptoms (other than the major gas incident of Thanksgiving... lesson learned... don't drink a whole bottle of sparkling ANYTHING while pregnant).

In the last year I've transferred 10 embryos over a total of three (fresh) ET's and finally one stuck around.  It's hard to believe we finally found my ONE GOOD EGG!

But I'll work on it.

As I continue to cheer on my infertile sisters... because if it can work for me...

Mom emailed this to me today.  So true.

Beta #3

*pregnancy discussed*

It took nearly 11 hours to get the results of my bloodwork this morning!  I can't complain since I wasn't even supposed to have my HCG checked, the purpose of the draw was to check my estradiol and progesterone levels.  But every hour after 3pm I got a little more anxious.

Beta#3 is 2561.  I was hoping for something above 3300 so I was a little concerned with the number.  My nurse told me the number is good.  When I questioned her about doubling she assured me the number is good and that after a period of time the HCG doubling time slows.

I consulted Dr. Goo.gle and he confirmed that the number is good.  The doubling time is fine as long as it doubles within 72 hours (mine doubled in 52 hours).

My nurse told me that next week at my ultrasound that we should see a sac, fetal pole and heartbeat.  Oh, I hope and pray we do!


I continue in my cautiously happy state-of-mind.  I met up with some of the other local SMC girls this weekend and it was so nice to finally be able to be pregnant... moving beyond the long, difficult TTC stage.  It made it feel a little more real.

This morning at my blood draw, when no other patients were in the lab, I whispered to my phlebotomist who has drawn my blood dozens upon dozens of times "I'm finally pregnant".  She was so excited and started to tear up... which made me start to tear up.

My local IVF nurse walked by when I was in the RE office today.  She stopped, did a double take and said "I'm so excited for you".  And she really meant it!

I also got a call from my CC.RM doctor tonight (he said he was out last week).  He congratulated me on my success.

All of these moments add up and continue to make it a little more real for me.

Thanks to each of you who commented on my 11.11.11 post about my BFP!  I know that you are happy to see me reach this milestone... even as I'm trying to accept it as real.

And for my IF friends still in the trenches, you have my absolute support.  I have truly found a cause that I will continue to carry with me and support.  I will do my best to be respectful of the IF community as I move into the next stage of "pregnant after infertility".

Don't forget to take a minute to enter my first Giveaway for a POM Charm of your choice!  Help spread the word about this great symbol of strength, hope and support for the infertility community.  You don't have to be infertile to participate; my goal is to spread the word and each person who reblogs my post will be helping to spread the word!

POM Charms (My First Giveaway!)

In the world of infertility, often (far too often) we feel isolated and alone.

Two women were recently discussing this problem and wondering out loud how someone might take a step to better unite the world of infertility?  They decided that the community needed a symbol, something that says I get it.  A symbol may allow another woman to feel less alone and possibly start a conversation.

Quickly, they got to work and came up with the perfect symbol.

By combining the Pomegranate, the fruit of fertility, and the Chinese symbol for strength, the Pomegranate Charm was born.

They developed a mission:

Uniting women and their friends & families
who have struggled with fertility issues by giving
them a symbol of strength, hope, and support.        

And then they formed a non-profit benefiting two infertility related causes.  There is minimal overhead and all proceeds from the purchase of a charm, a bracelet, a necklace, a key chain, etc. go towards one of the following causes:

1. Fertility Research
2. Deserving women and couples needing financial assistance to receive medical treatment

The charms just became available for distribution less than a month ago.  They have already caught on quickly in the areas where they have been introduced with large orders from fertility clinics, acupuncturists and other fertility related specialists, and of course members of the infertility community as well.

The Giveaway!  A Pomegranate Charm of your choice.

Entry Rules:

1. Reblog this full post, including entry rules (please be sure that the links do not break when you copy/paste to your blog)
2. Leave a comment on my original post (Singlemom2b.blogspot.com dated 11/20/11) along with the link to your post.
3. On Sunday, December 4 I will draw a winner from all completed entries.

I will announce and contact the winner and ask them to pick out the POM Charm of their choice and I will have it shipped to them.

In the meantime, check out the website for more information.  Buy one for yourself, your spouse/partner and give one to a friend who you know is suffering with infertility.  Tell your infertility support groups about the POM Charms!

By writing this post and structuring this giveaway, I am trying to do my part to spread the word across my little corner of the IF world.  I was not asked or paid to write this post.

11.11.11

I'm a liar. It was a lie to protect myself in this cruel world of infertility.  It was a lie in my own best interest.  I hope those to whom I told the lie will understand and forgive me.  It's the first blatant lie I've told in the entire time I've been TTC.

I told many, who knew I was going to CC.RM for my last cycle, that I was not doing a transfer at this time.  Most patients of CC.RM opt for CCS (genetic) testing of the embryos which requires that they are frozen and a FET is done at a later time, after the results are complete.

But the truth is that because my ODWU AFC was so low (5) the chances that I'd have blasts to test was so low that I didn't sign up for the CCS testing (you have to sign up before the cycle starts)... and it's expensive!  And it's the same price regardless of the number of embryos you have to test!  My logic, as discussed with the doctor, was that I'd probably end up transferring however many embryos as I'm lucky enough to have available to transfer, and probably on Day 3 (CCS requires embryos make it to blast).  

When my cycle turned around and ended up being so good, I seriously regretted that I had not signed up for CCS testing.  I think I'm one of the very few who go to CC.RM and do not do the testing!

1 9-cell and 2 8-cell "perfect" embryos

On Day 3, the embryologist and Dr. Surry said I had 3 perfect embryos that were standing out (and three more that were just a step behind them) so he recommended that I go ahead with a fresh D3 transfer.  So on Halloween day, I had 1 9-cell and 2 8-cell "perfect" embryos transferred to my 11mm 3-stripe lining. I had marvelous acupuncture before & after the transfer, it was a really great transfer experience!

My Special Transfer Slippers!

On Wednesday, November 2 I was finally able to travel home after 15 days in Colorado.  The doctor tells his patients to use wheelchair/cart assistance at the airport.  THAT, my friends, was quite an experience for a healthy, independent - I can do it, I don't need help -  kind of person.  But, as much as I had to swallow my pride in the wheelchair/cart, I am glad I did it.  Denver is a huge airport!!  I also had to ask for help from random strangers on the plane to lift/remove my carry-on from overhead storage, as we're told not to lift more than 10lbs during the 2ww.  If it means a chance for success, I'll swallow my pride!!

Not even a week into the 2ww I felt my usual lower back period cramping.  I've been on so much progesterone and estrogen support that there was no way AF would actually show up before my beta.  I've had no symptoms, just the period cramps which really crushed me.  I was so crushed that I did not POAS AT ALL  and if you've been reading for any length of time you know I'm a POAS addict.


First, I didn't want to POAS until after work Thursday because I needed to be able to try to concentrate.  I collected my FMU on both Wednesday & Thursday but I didn't dip a stick.  I decided I needed to wait until after my blood draw and if I had a confirmed BFN on HPT I'd be sad a blubbering mess when I went in to my local RE for beta, so I would POAS AFTER my blood draw.  But that morning I decided that I made it this far without POAS, I could wait until after I got the results from the nurse.  I wanted to delay the crushing pain of another BFN (after such a great cycle) as long as possible...

My beta on Friday was 70!  I was truly stunned.  I was certain it was another BFN... that's all I know is BFN.  Did they mix up my blood with someone elses?  I spent the rest of the day in a haze.  I went to Target but ended up just wandering without purpose unable to focus for a minute on my list of things I needed to get.... except for a digital HPT!

11dp3dt - 11/11/11   Beta: 70
HPT taken AFTER Beta results provided

Saturday was full of cautious happiness.  I found myself smiling and fully interacting with people more than I have in quite a while.  It was the best day I've had in a long time!

Sunday I was a nervous wreck waiting on results from the 2nd Beta.  I was paralyzed, unable to leave the house, or do much more than sit on the couch. The second beta was at 13dp3dt was 201, just 9 points shy of tripling!  The nurse said no more betas are necessary. My first ultrasound is 11/28, I'll be 6w3d and should be able to see the heartbeat (God Willing).

I later dipped HPTs in the Wednesday, Thursday and Friday FMU collections that I kept by my toilet (collecting urine: desperate measures of a woman in the 2ww).  After looking at the results, I will tell you that I would have driven myself insane analyzing the faint lines on the cheap sticks... AND these are the sticks that are supposed to read HCG as low as 10ml.  Even the stick from my beta day was super faint.  I'm glad that I waited, for a change.

Today, I asked begged my nurse to add another HCG order for me next week.  I have to have my estradiol and progesterone checked on Monday anyway.  I told her that my sanity and ability to sleep were at risk!  She relented so I am having a third beta on the 21st!

So here I am... happy to report to my wonderful blog friends who have been such an amazing support through 10 ART cycles, that I'm a little bit pregnant!  I'm cautiously happy... which is much happier than I've been in far too long!!

I've got my CC.RM miracle and if everything goes just right, there will be a healthy baby in my arms come July 2012!!!

**For my IRL friends who are reading, it's SUPER-EARLY... mum's the word.  Thanks!!

My Broken Record - The Remix

I've been feeling like my blog has become a broken record (and just imagine that there are younger generations in the world who will never really understand this analogy).  It has turned in to a ongoing loop about [insert needle scratching across the record sound]:

• Summary of upcoming protocol
• Cycle is starting
• Cycle updates
• Egg Retrieval/Transfer updates
• 2ww agony
• Crushing BFN
• WTF Appointment
• Repeat

It's not what I imagined for my blog, it's not what I imagined for my life.  This is what led to my silence over the last few months.  

Now, I'm feeling ready to update you on recent happenings (it's a similar story in a different location).

After my regroup with Dr. Sur.ry at CC.RM, when I learned I had a 25% chance of success with my own eggs, I contacted the Donor Egg Coordinator at my local clinic and told her to move forward with matching me with a donor.  I felt ready to move on to something that would give me my best chance of success... 

But I still kept thinking about CC.RM.  An unofficial message board for CC.RM patients that I was part of had just had numerous BFP's within the span of a week, it was inspiring!  There were so many BFP's I couldn't keep track of everyone!  And so I realized that if I didn't do a cycle at CC.RM that I would always wonder what would have happened.

My cycle started on October 13, I started stimming on Day 2 (10/14).  My AFC was 8 (this is pretty good for me, right in my normal range).  On October 18, I flew to Denver to settle in to my new home-away-from-home.  I had daily labs & ultrasounds.  Initially, my follicles were not growing well.  The doctor (and nurse) were concerned, we all feared my cycle would end up cancelled.  Dr. Sur.ry tweaked my protocol and my ovaries woke up!

While I hated to be away from my dogs for so long, I really enjoyed being in Colorado!  There were a lot of women from the message board and a few I knew through blogs that were there during the same time I was.  Our hotel was like living in a dormitory for infertility!  We'd run into each other in the lobby or parking lots, we would have lunch or dinner together, and when we got stir-crazy we'd hang out in someone's room.  We talked and talked and talked!  We all had so much in common with our infertility struggles and desire for our families!

It was so nice to be able to connect with so many women going through the same struggles - IN PERSON!  I admire all of the women that I've "met" through this journey... the opportunity to meet in the flesh is simply a bonus!

My mom flew out and joined me toward the end of my stay.  We were able to explore the area together and she was there for my retrieval!  It was nice to have her with me.

I had my retrieval on 10/28 (it was a LONG cycle). 8 eggs were retrieved, 8 eggs were mature, 8 eggs fertilized!!!  For the first time in a long time, I was filled with HOPE!

Advocate Against Initiative 26

Again, plagiarized word-for-word from Jen at This Is Personal.  Thank you Jen!

Get your advocacy pants on, ladies! There’s yet another political issue out there that threatens to impact women’s access to critically needed medical care and assisted reproductive technologies like IVF.

There’s a proposed personhood amendment on the table in Mississippi right now that would put the lives of women at risk, limit access to standard forms of birth control, and will almost certainly make things harder for couples pursuing IVF. If the states begin to define personhood as starting at conception, IVF could be banned.

We, more than any other community, know the reality of IVF and the heart ache of losing embryos and pregnancies. We know that without IVF many of us would not be able to pursue the families we dream of and deserve. We also know the very real dangers of pregnancies that don’t go as planned. It’s imperative that we speak out against this bill.

Learn more about bill - Mississippians for Healthy Families

Initiative 26 could ban in-vitro fertilization.

Leading organizations in the field of in-vitro and other assisted reproductive technologies believe this will essentially ban their work to help families have children of their own.  Those organizations include the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology (SART), and RESOLVE, a national infertility group.

Initiative 26 bans abortion without exceptions for rape, incest, or life of the mother.  

This extreme measure contains no exceptions, leaving women with medically complex pregnancies without access to life-saving treatment. For women with ectopic or molar pregnancies or unrelated illnesses like cancer, this initiative jeopardizes women’s lives.  Victims of rape or incest would be forced to carry the child of their abuser.

The word on the street is that if this initiative passes in MS, similar personhood initiatives will be proposed throughout the USA.

This is about us. We have to stop this.

If you live in MS or know someone who does, please share this information with them, and encourage them to speak out against this dangerous legislation. Even if you don’t live in MS, you can sign this petition, stating your opposition to the Intitiative.

This type of legislation goes way, way, way too far, and the consequences will be dramatic and terrifying if it’s passed. 

TurnAbout is Fair Play

A girl... especially a girl going through her own version of PTSD (as confirmed by my IF therapist), has a right to change her mind.  A million reasons are behind this change of mind/heart... but the therapist agrees that I'm thinking rationally, my plan is a good one and my responses are normal (I made my revised decision 2 days before my therapy appointment, the decision was mine after much careful thought, research, analysis and deliberation).

Perhaps I'll leave a season finale cliffhanger, just as Giuliana & Bill did on Monday night...  regardless, the road ahead is still a long one.

Infertility Treatment Is Essential - Speak Up!

Shamelessly plagiarized straight from Jen at This Is Personal


Help Resolve.org and help the infertility community today by speaking up for government support of infertility treatments. Resolve.org is trying to get 7,300 signatures on this letter ASAP.

Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) Secretary Sebelius is tasked with determining the Essential Health Benefits that will be used in the new health insurance exchanges in each state.  These newly determine Essential Health Benefits will take effect in January 2014.  

RIGHT NOW, the Secretary is determining what will be included as an Essential Health Benefit as we anticipate an announcement in the next few months.

Now is the time for Secretary Sebelius to hear from the infertility community and those that care about us.

We need YOU to add your signature to this letter!

Let’s raise our collective voices, thousands of them, and tell the Secretary we matter!  The goal is to have 7,300 people sign this petition, each one representing a thousand people in the US impacted by infertility.  

This is your chance to speak up and speak out and tell HHS that you matter, your health matters, your dream of a family matters, and that 7.3 million women and men diagnosed with infertility matter.

Seriously, do it RIGHT NOW! Click! Sign! Email your family! Have them sign! Post this on your blog!!