TurnAbout is Fair Play

A girl... especially a girl going through her own version of PTSD (as confirmed by my IF therapist), has a right to change her mind.  A million reasons are behind this change of mind/heart... but the therapist agrees that I'm thinking rationally, my plan is a good one and my responses are normal (I made my revised decision 2 days before my therapy appointment, the decision was mine after much careful thought, research, analysis and deliberation).

Perhaps I'll leave a season finale cliffhanger, just as Giuliana & Bill did on Monday night...  regardless, the road ahead is still a long one.

Infertility Treatment Is Essential - Speak Up!

Shamelessly plagiarized straight from Jen at This Is Personal


Help Resolve.org and help the infertility community today by speaking up for government support of infertility treatments. Resolve.org is trying to get 7,300 signatures on this letter ASAP.

Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) Secretary Sebelius is tasked with determining the Essential Health Benefits that will be used in the new health insurance exchanges in each state.  These newly determine Essential Health Benefits will take effect in January 2014.  

RIGHT NOW, the Secretary is determining what will be included as an Essential Health Benefit as we anticipate an announcement in the next few months.

Now is the time for Secretary Sebelius to hear from the infertility community and those that care about us.

We need YOU to add your signature to this letter!

Let’s raise our collective voices, thousands of them, and tell the Secretary we matter!  The goal is to have 7,300 people sign this petition, each one representing a thousand people in the US impacted by infertility.  

This is your chance to speak up and speak out and tell HHS that you matter, your health matters, your dream of a family matters, and that 7.3 million women and men diagnosed with infertility matter.

Seriously, do it RIGHT NOW! Click! Sign! Email your family! Have them sign! Post this on your blog!!

Playing the Odds

I am not a gambler.  I've been to Vegas twice and gambled (lost) all of $101.00.   My first trip was for a bachelorette party in 2002, I gave myself $100 to play with.... and my second trip was for a wedding in 2008... I didn't gamble at all until I was at the airport with a friend ready to board the plane home, it was $1 slot machine.  And the rest of what happened in Vegas, stays in Vegas!!!

I think I don't gamble for two reasons.... I'm not good at math.  Seriously, I think I have a learning disability when it comes to math because when I try to calculate numbers in my head it's like there is a physical block, calculating in my head is a huge effort.  Secondly, I don't understand/trust gambling.  My parents don't live far from an Indian Casino and my mom likes to go play the slots (which are all automated/digital).  Mom always walks out with winnings of $25 - $50.  When I go with her rarely I will lose $10 (that's all I allow myself to play on the 25 cent slots).

Where am I going with the gambling references???

I had my regroup with Dr. Sur.ry late today.  I've noticed that I've gotten anxious about this regroup this week.  Especially as I received updates on test results from my nurse.  I broke down a couple of weeks ago when she called with my AMH  (0.2).  It's not just low, it's extremely low.

Now that all of my test results are in...  while I have so much good going for me (FSH 9, good estrogen, LH & uterine blood flow, I have the Beta3 Integrin protein), I have a couple of big items that are not so good... AMH (anything under 1.5 is considered low) and my AFC (follicle count) during my CCRM ODWU was 5.

The doctor and I talked about a lot of things but my primary question after all of the facts & details was... what are my chances of success with a cycle at CCRM?  

Courtesy of Google Images

I've been considering this question all week.  I've been asking myself what my threshold would be for his response as I consider moving to donor eggs.  10% or lower... that's easy.  15%, still pretty easy.  I went up to about 30% in my thinking... while not really setting any formal limit overall.

So Dr. S said that their success rates with women my age are about 40%.  However when you factor in my AMH & AFC he would put my odds at 25%.

A 25% chance of success at one of the best clinics in the world.  Ouch (understatement).

While this is unwelcome news, it's not surprising news.  This week I really geared myself up for moving to donor eggs.  I joined PVED (Parents via Egg Donation) to help connect with others who have been through this decision, I made an appointment with my IF shrink who I've not seen since January.  I contacted the DE coordinator at my local clinic to inquire where I am on their wait list.  She can begin working to match me now, those in front of me on the list are not ready to move forward yet.

While I think that my decision is obvious... (put $15k on 25% odds vs $12 - $15k  on 75% odds?)  I'm still working through it.  I've had a lot of tears since my call with Dr. Su.rry.  I'm the kind of person who has to retreat and process.

I did text my mom with a summary of the stats (not ready to talk about it yet).  Her response set about another round of happy tears... she said: Thankfully in this day & time--donor eggs are available & you CAN still have a baby!! Any baby you have, you & all of us will love deeply & forever!

To think, I was afraid to tell my parents of my SMC plans...  

Note of consideration:  If we know each other IRL, please be considerate and keep my story to yourself.  I am still processing how I will approach parenting via DE.  While I know I will be open about DE with my child from a very early age, my biggest concern is the judgement (and sometimes cruelty) from others who don't understand.  Until I can develop my approach, I appreciate your discretion.

Did You See...???

Did you see Giuliana & Bill last night?  I didn't.  I was at my monthly Resolve meeting (we need to talk about Resolve at some point ladies.  If you're not engaged in your local Resolve chapter and you are struggling with IF, you are missing out -in my opinion.  And the Single ladies dealing with IF, give it a try.  I may be the only single woman at our meetings but I don't feel out of place at all.  We're all there for one common reason, we're all struggling with infertility and EVERYTHING that encompasses).  But I did just catch up on it on DVR (the show, Guiliana & Bill, keep up with my ADD writing style people).

***Spoiler Alert***

The last few minutes of the show have Giuliana talking to Bill about bringing an end to their "Year of Fun" and starting back on the path of trying to have a child.

Giuliana: I did find this place in Denver, Colorado which is literally like the best place in the world for IVF.  They have the highest success rates in the world.

Bill: If we're going to do this, I think we have to do it right.

The preview for next week's episode shows them in Colorado, I think, for their ODWU (looks like the psychologist meeting).

Now I have to tell my Mom, Sister and friends to start following the show!

Wow!  Giuliana & Bill at CCRM today, last night my Resolve meeting...  I think this might be a sign that my "break" from obsessing about infertility is ending???  Well, maybe it is... but I hope I can return from my break with a better balance and healthier habits (I'm still a work in process, but I have been -and still am- working on it).