I think I don't gamble for two reasons.... I'm not good at math. Seriously, I think I have a learning disability when it comes to math because when I try to calculate numbers in my head it's like there is a physical block, calculating in my head is a huge effort. Secondly, I don't understand/trust gambling. My parents don't live far from an Indian Casino and my mom likes to go play the slots (which are all automated/digital). Mom always walks out with winnings of $25 - $50. When I go with her rarely I will lose $10 (that's all I allow myself to play on the 25 cent slots).
Where am I going with the gambling references???
I had my regroup with Dr. Sur.ry late today. I've noticed that I've gotten anxious about this regroup this week. Especially as I received updates on test results from my nurse. I broke down a couple of weeks ago when she called with my AMH (0.2). It's not just low, it's extremely low.
Now that all of my test results are in... while I have so much good going for me (FSH 9, good estrogen, LH & uterine blood flow, I have the Beta3 Integrin protein), I have a couple of big items that are not so good... AMH (anything under 1.5 is considered low) and my AFC (follicle count) during my CCRM ODWU was 5.
The doctor and I talked about a lot of things but my primary question after all of the facts & details was... what are my chances of success with a cycle at CCRM?
|Courtesy of Google Images|
So Dr. S said that their success rates with women my age are about 40%. However when you factor in my AMH & AFC he would put my odds at 25%.
A 25% chance of success at one of the best clinics in the world. Ouch (understatement).
While this is unwelcome news, it's not surprising news. This week I really geared myself up for moving to donor eggs. I joined PVED (Parents via Egg Donation) to help connect with others who have been through this decision, I made an appointment with my IF shrink who I've not seen since January. I contacted the DE coordinator at my local clinic to inquire where I am on their wait list. She can begin working to match me now, those in front of me on the list are not ready to move forward yet.
While I think that my decision is obvious... (put $15k on 25% odds vs $12 - $15k on 75% odds?) I'm still working through it. I've had a lot of tears since my call with Dr. Su.rry. I'm the kind of person who has to retreat and process.
I did text my mom with a summary of the stats (not ready to talk about it yet). Her response set about another round of happy tears... she said: Thankfully in this day & time--donor eggs are available & you CAN still have a baby!! Any baby you have, you & all of us will love deeply & forever!
Note of consideration: If we know each other IRL, please be considerate and keep my story to yourself. I am still processing how I will approach parenting via DE. While I know I will be open about DE with my child from a very early age, my biggest concern is the judgement (and sometimes cruelty) from others who don't understand. Until I can develop my approach, I appreciate your discretion.