My Resolve

I went to my first Resolve meeting this week (for those lucky enough not to know, Resolve is an Infertility support/advocacy organization).  I was supposed to go to my first one in December, but my IVF1.0 Retrieval happened the same day.   There was no January meeting and I never actually got added to the local group's mailing list so February/March passed.  I reconnected with the leader but I was traveling in April so here it is May... and I finally went to my first meeting.

Back when I was seeing my Infertility therapist, Dr. G, she was a little skeptical about me joining up with the local Resolve group.  She was concerned meeting other women suffering from infertility may not be healthy for me.  Really?

As one woman in the group put it, no one who isn't or has not been through IF truly understands what we feel.  That she wants to talk about IF, with someone who understands, and she wants to talk about it all the time.  She's sad and she's pissed off and she believes she was put on this earth to be a mom.  She said everything I felt, and everyone else in the room.

There were at least 15 women at the meeting.  While it's "scheduled" to be 90 minutes, we were there for 3 hours... and apparently that's pretty standard.  It starts with some informal announcements, then it's an open opportunity for each woman to share what's going on (since the last meeting).   

There were women just starting to seek medical assistance after TTC on their own and there were women who had been trying for many, many years... and many women somewhere inbetween.  One woman was headed to Colorado the next day for her FET, several were in their 2ww, one is just about to embark on her first IVF.  A few of us have begun considering, or down the path of donor egg.  One woman had just... finally (after multiple years)... had a diagnosis that uterus is shredded (after multiple losses, D&C's) and she'll never sustain a pregnancy.

For those who know me, you know I've come to a certain acceptance, even comfort level, of being a single mom.  And as I listened and shared, I was reminded again of the advantages & disadvantages of going at this on my own.

There were stories of supportive husbands who attended appointments, gave shots and offered support unconditionally.  And there were stories of husbands who dragged their feet with every decision, who were ready to give up and felt their wives didn't think that they (the husband) were enough which is why the wives had this unrelenting drive to overcome infertility.  Women were reading the book What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting to see if their husbands actually did read the book.

A couple of the husbands, not necessarily religious, required that they consult their priest/rabbi, before making decisions about IVF, Donor Egg, Adoption.

While I would love someone to mix my vials and tell me which syringe goes with which drug, even someone who would inject me and hold me when I cry, I am thankful that I, alone, am responsible for my decisions.  I can ponder or move forward as I come to terms with things in my own time, however little or much time as it takes.

I found it enlightening when several of them mentioned how their husbands just don't want them to be in pain anymore and that they are not the same women that they married.  I can relate to that.  I'm not the same person.  Infertility changes you.  You become very much single minded, as you are your own best advocate.  You do everything you can to remain in control of an uncontrollable situation (creating charts, calendars, schedules, etc).

I know I've turned down the opportunity to be introduced to men, because I don't recognize myself... I don't have the energy to focus on someone else, especially someone who wont really know me.  I know I'm still in here somewhere... but this life of ongoing limbo, desperately wanting to move into the next phase without success, this limbo-stranger will not leave until I know my child is safely on its way.  Until I'm able to experience real JOY again.

Other Updates

Endo Biopsy:  One year ago today, Cinco de Mayo, I had my Hysteroscopy to remove my uterine polyp.  Today, I had my Endometrial Biopsy for my Endometrial Function Test (EFT).

My Mom Had Endo: When I sent my mom the video explaining the EFT, she emailed me later and said, I just realized I should tell you, I had Endometriosis.  My mom had a hysterectomy when I was quite young but I was to little to understand what was happening; I just knew that my sister and I had to stay at my Grandmothers house for several days.  How did I NOT know my mom had Endo?  How, in all of these years did I not ask her about it?

But I have no signs of Endo myself.

IVF3.0:  When AF arrives, that will be the start of my pre-IVF cycle.  I'll start Estrogen priming after ovulation.  I had thought I was going straight into Stimulation thinking I'd have the ER/ET the week before Memorial Day.  The good news is, that would have been the same week as my annual beach trip with sorority sisters.  I'm disappointed it's going to be 2 more cycles until IVF3.0, I'm happy I'll get to enjoy my beach trip.

Mothers Day:  I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna hurt.

National Infertility Awareness Week

April 24 - 30 is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).  I've been very active on Twitter this week in support of NIAW. 

For NIAW this year, Resolve has challenged the IF community to Bust A Myth about Infertility.  I've been contemplating this blog post all month, but for some reason I've been unable to sit down and write it.  I've written the post in my head, but when I try to write it, it's blank.  So be warned, I have no idea what's to come in the paragraphs ahead.

As many myths as there are about infertility, I really want to write about the Truths.

MYTH: Single women are not infertile, they just need a partner.

TRUTH: Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term after 12 months of trying to conceive.  If you are over the age of 35, the time of TTC is reduced to 6 months.  I started TTC at 38 and every cycle has been under the care of an RE.  I can't help but wonder if I had started years before if I would have struggled with infertility or not?  So many young couples experience infertility!  1 in 4 women in their late 30's and 40's will experience fertility challenges. 

MYTH: If you are infertile, do IVF, it always works.

TRUTH:  Infertility is a medical problem that can be emotionally, socially and financially crippling. IVF is unbelievably expensive with no guarantees, it does NOT work for everyone. And if the magic bullet (IVF) doesn't work, the heartbreak is extraordinary.  I've had two failed IVF's and I'm blessed with very good infertility insurance coverage.  Even with this coverage each cycle still has significant uncovered costs.  I would not be able to afford to continue treatment without my insurance coverage.  I'm one of the few lucky ones who are covered, most are not.

I had so much more to say, but I just don't feel like I'm doing the topic justice.  I'm on my second consecutive cycle with 0% chance of success (no treatments) which is simply frustrating. 

For what it's worth, I did post this week on Facebook for the first time anything related to my TTC/SMC/Infertility.  I didn't directly "come out" on Facebook, this is what I posted: 

"Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, soul crushing, life-altering experience.  April 24 - 30 is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). Whether a friend, a family member, a colleague or yourself has fought through this difficult fate that MILLIONS of people are fighting day in and day out, post this as your status if you or someone you know has walked to Hell and back for the chance to be a MOM! Visit Resolve for more information."

Anyone who has followed my blog for any period of time knows the emotional toll infertility has taken on me.  They also know, I wont give up!

One last message, if you know someone who struggles with primary infertility (the inability to conceive their first child) please be very sensitive to them with Mother's Day coming up in a week.  For me, Mother's Day is the most difficult holiday and a HUGE reminder of my pain.

For more information on NIAW visit http://www.resolve.org/takecharge or 

 http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 

A - Z of TTC (SMC/Infertility)

This is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).  If you follow me on Twitter, you know I'm tweeting all about it.  I plan to write my Bust a Myth blog post for NIAW this week, it's in very rough draft form right now.  True to the classic procrastinator I can sometimes be, I'm not ready to finish it... so look for it later this week.

In the meantime, I'm taking this format from Not Fat, Just Pregnant
and giving my A-Z list of TTC as a Single Woman diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility.

A. Age when you started TTC: 38 (after considering SMC for many years)

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Neither.  IUI & IVF

C. Children wanted: For years I always wanted one, until I started TTC, now I'd love to have two

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children:  2 dogs, two years old (a few months apart).  Rescues, Lab mixes.  Truly my babies!

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils:  Prenatals, D3 (liquid), B6, Calcium, Fish Oil 

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: (In order) Clomid, Progesterone, Ovadrel, Femara, Gonal-F, Novarel Mocrodose, Estrace, Lupron Microdose, Low dose HCG, Saizen (HGH) - ALSO, BCP's, Vicoden, Methoprednozone, Doxycycline, Daisopam, Valium, and Xanax (Xanax for the stress of TTC/BFN's)    

G. Gain: Since TTC? 12lbs, in the last 2 years 32lbs

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): All clear! The test didn't phase me a bit

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: More than I'd like to admit, but I will in my NIAW post later this week

J. Job title: Change Manager

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: I'll name my child what I want when I know what the right name is, regardless of whether or not someone else has used the name

L. Length of time TTC: 1 year (working exclusively with an RE)

M. Miscarriages: None, thank God. Praying that answer never changes. I do believe I've had 2 chemical pregnancies that went away before they could be verified.

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: Since TTC, 1 OB/GYN, 1 RE (but I see all 6 in the practice).  I have TWO second opinions scheduled in May.

O. Ovarian quality: Good for my age.

P. POAS or wait for AF: POAS.  I waited with IVF#1.  Sometimes I think if I POAS or wait it will impact the outcome, silly superstitions.  But if I didn't POAS, I wouldn't know about my two unconfirmed chemical pregnancies.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "It will happen, in time"... (unless I go broke first, or insane).  I also can't stand when women say something and then follow with "only a mother truly knows"... I feel like I've been dismissed, deemed unworthy. 

S. Sperm: On my second Open Donor (one day I'll add up exactly how much I've spent on sperm alone $$)

T. Time you tried naturally: Does 1 unmedicated IUI count?

U. Uterus quality: Assumed it's fine.  Looked good in HSG & Hysteroscopy.  Next week's Endometrial Biopsy will tell more...

V. Vagina: If it weren't for regular visits with Wandy & the Speculum, my Va-jay-jay would be quite lonely

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: I bought a used glider shortly before my first IUI and donated the bedroom furniture to Salvation Army... now I feel like I jinxed myself.  Plus, my mom volunteers for a thrift store and I have 2 crates full of goodies.  I finally had to tell her to stop until a viable pregnancy is confirmed.

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? First it was close friends, then immediate family.  After continued struggles I decided it would be less stressful to share with other friends and even work (for IVF scheduling support and reduced stress).  This week I posted on Facebook, not "coming out" but an NIAW statement.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): I had to have a pap before IVF.  The pap was late (by several months) since I had so many appointments all year spreading my legs for the masses.

Z. Zits: Occasionally.  Usually around my period.

Care to share your A - Z's of TTC?

No Cycle Shall Be Without A Purpose

Today was WTF day with Dr. T.  Let me back up...  Monday, AF arrived... only 23 days into the cycle. That's a new record, by far, for short cycles.  The cycle after IVF2.0 failed.

That should say SECOND FAILED IVF

• I didn't cry.  I did blink back tears 2 - 3 times, but I didn't cry at all... this is progress.  Or numbness. Or getting used to feeling so hurt and lost.  But I didn't cry!
• No cycle shall be without a purpose.  This is my request.  Whether it be a cycle reserved for testing, an IUI cycle or an IVF cycle, every cycle from here on should have a purpose.  Basically, if not a cycle for testing, every cycle will have greater than a 0% chance of conceiving my baby.
• My IVF2.0 embryos were GOOD!  They were superior compared to IVF1.0 embryos.  The two 'runts' that we didn't transfer were blasts at day 6 (and the 4 superstars we transferred were nearly at Morela stage on Day 3).  
• My Egg Quality. I absolutely should be able to get pregnant with my own eggs... it's just a question of how many times it would take.  Enter a comparison by my doctor to Celine Dion who had 6 IVF's before conceiving/delivering her twins with her own eggs.  Sure... because I have the same resources as Celine Dion.
• Donor Egg Options.  Dr. T knew I had met with the DE coordinator last week so the conversation started with how this would be a good choice (70% live birth rate) for the most immediate results.  I didn't post about my DE Coordinator meeting yet, the waiting list is approximately six months.  Bottom line, I'll get on the list as I digest the idea while I continue to move forward with my own eggs.
• Donor Embryos.  Dr. T also recommended looking into donor embryos, as there are good success rates and it's significantly less expensive.  My clinic does not have a donor egg program at this time but we talked about clinics that do.
• My Uterus.  One of my biggest questions is about ruling out any potential problems with my uterus.  At this stage (6 IUI's and 2 IVF's), Dr. T agreed it's time to investigate potential problems with my uterus.  An endometrial biopsy is in order.

Next Steps:

• Endometrial Biopsy this cycle.  I started Femara tonight, CD3.  We will use this cycle for the testing.  It will be minimal hormones, and a procedure to take a small sample from my uterus around 10 days after Ovulation.  It will be around 10 days to have the results.  I have more research to do about this process, I'm sure it will be the subject of another blog post.
• IVF3.0 Immediately following this cycle.  In the interest of my determination that every cycle has a purpose, we'll go immediately into an IVF cycle after this 'testing' cycle.
• Backup IUI cycle.  Should IVF3.0 fail, rather than taking a month off, I'll go into an IUI cycle.  The reason for the time off is that my RE goes by the practice of having 3 months between retrievals... so if I'm not stimulating or suppressing for a purpose, I'll have an IUI.

These are the highlights.

Short End of the Stick

This is a random thought that hit me on the acupuncture table today... which is odd because I rarely have negative thoughts in my state of relaxation.

How is it I drew the short end of the stick in life?  As a little girl, I never dreamed of my career, of being a rising executive at a major financial institution.  Big whoop!  Really??

I dreamed of having a child...  when I was 7, 8, 9, 10... somewhere around that age, I would pray every night that my baby doll, Olivia, would be a real baby when I woke in the morning.  I wanted to be a real mommy.

In my teen years and all through my 20's I dreamed of a true love, a man who would become my husband and the father of my children.

I watch my 40th birthday get closer and closer... August this year.  I've come to terms with not finding my true love (at least not one who could settle down and marry me)...

But seriously??? What Karma God did I p'off to do everything to keep me from my dream of being a mom, too?  Take my man but don't keep me from my child!!!

I AM NOT GIVING UP!!!

******
I know there is much greater suffering in life than mine, and that I am truly blessed in so many ways.  This is just one of those thoughts that it's hard to wrap my head around.

Planning

Research on Donor Eggs
Yesterday I made an appointment to talk to the DE coordinator at my RE office, along with the Finance coordinator.  The appointment is April 8th.  For me, this is just initial information, not a decision.

WTF Appointment Planning
My WTF appointment with Dr. T is on April 13.  I have questions in my head and I need to start writing them down.  Here are a few... just to get them written down:

• What happened this time?
• The embryos were moving into the Morela stage on Day 3 at transfer, given this is there really possibly a problem with the quality of my eggs (embryos)?
• If we were to do IVF again (using my own eggs), what would we do differently?  How can we get more of my own eggs?

I have questionably had two brief chemical pregnancies (IUI #6 and IVF #2), meaning a positive HPT (not a trigger false positive), then negative HPT and negative Betas...

• How do we know the problem is not with my uterus, an inability to support implantation/growth?
• What testing can we do to feel confident the problem is not with my uterus, especially if I decide to use donor eggs $$$?

Second Opinion
While I love Dr. T I do think it's time to get an opinion from someone else.  It doesn't have to be someone local... so I actually have no clue who to schedule a second opinion with...  I've not done much research on this topic.

This is when I wish I had someone to share the burden with, someone to tell me where to go, what to do...  or just to have someone as invested in this as I am to talk through it with.

Business Travel
It's going to be a crazy week, heading out West Monday for a packed schedule of work meetings and "team building" events...  I am NOT looking forward to the socializing with people I barely know as the questions:  Are you married?  Do you have kids?  are always asked (over and over given there will be 50 or so collegues around over the course of the week).  I really had hoped I would be trying to schedule my first ultrasound around my travel schedule...

Any ideas on clever responses (that are also politically correct, given these are business contacts)?  My new response (to those who know my IF struggles) is that I gave this company my best fertile years.  Probably not the best response when talking with casual acquaintances.

Personal Travel
I get home Thursday night and get back on a plane Friday to head to see the family in Florida, for a mini reunion.  I'm looking forward to seeing my family and catching up with a couple of friends.  Then back home Monday afternoon.

My dogs are sitting on either side of me at this moment but I miss them already... I hate leaving them for a week!

Weight Watchers
I decided against the 'extreme' diet due to all of the unknown implications to my TTC efforts.  I really just wanted to see fast results based on my efforts, given I've not seen results from all of my TTC efforts over the last year.  But instead I signed up for Weight Watchers.

Slow & Steady Wins the Race, right?  If it doesn't, then I know my heart will never recover...

(I searched Google Images for a Broken Heart image... my favorite actually came from SIF's blog.) 

A Small Victory over IF

This morning, less than 24 hours after my confirmed failure of IVF2.0, I decided that I couldn't bare to spend the day on my couch crying and feeling sorry for myself watching reruns on the SoapNetwork (One Tree Hill & Gilmore Girls).  It's a beautiful Spring weekend in North Carolina and I had two different places I should be today, other than my couch.

As afraid as I was that in the presence of people I would fall apart and sob uncontrollably, I listened to the resolve mantra I had been telling myself throughout my 2ww...  I have to start living again.  I can't let infertility win and continue to take everything in its path.

So I made breakfast, showered, took care of the dogs (food, water, dog door - they don't need me for anything else), I got in the car and drove the 160 miles to Raleigh.

I did quite well on the drive over, calling my mom to let her know I was taking a day trip.  I had a few bouts of tears but no real breakdown.

I arrived at the resort (conference center) and immediately found the restroom ( I consumed 64 oz of water on my trip over).  As soon as I walked into the conference room - this was a Choice Mom's Conference, I began to lose my composure.  I quickly excused myself, got myself together and went in again.

I'm so glad I went.  I met Mikki Morrissette (and was so disappointed I didn't think to bring my copy of her book Choosing Single Motherhood for her autograph).  I also was sitting right next to JellyBean Mama but didn't connect who she was until late in the day... and I got to meet the JellyBean herself... as adorable as she looks in her photos (actually MORE adorable).  I had the opportunity to meet and talk with Amy in NC (a blog follower who helped inspire me to overcome my fear and attend the conference) and BunInTheOvenPlease, who is a new blogger and writes eloquently.

In addition to all of these amazing women, the room was full of maybe 30 amazing Choice Mom's, Tryers and Thinkers.

There was a representative from California Cryobank, a Financial Planner, an Psychologist (specializing in single motherhood, infertility) and a local RE.

The discussion and networking was therapeutic.  Even the drive was therapeutic.

I'm so thankful that today I WON, instead of infertility.  Infertility would have kept me on the couch indulging self pity.  Instead I took charge, kept my plans, continued to live, made new friends/connections and feel satisfied.

New Score:
Infertility 8 cycles vs. BB 1 day (and counting)

IVF2.0 - It's Over

I wrote this post in my head Tuesday night as I was awake in tears for hours, convinced this cycle had failed.  I had been peeing on extra sensitive sticks (claims to read 10ml HCG) since Friday, all negative.

Suddenly Wednesday afternoon, just before walking out the door for acupuncture, there was a second line!!!  OMG!  I was thrilled!  It was a faint yet clearly distinctive second line (believe me, I know what no line looks like, this was a line).  Just to be sure, I took the stick to acupuncture and A confirmed she saw it too!  She said my pulse felt different (as it does with a pregnancy).

But Thursday's FMU resulted in a negative (I tried to convince myself I saw something, but I really didn't).  I peed on FIVE sticks Thursday, all negative.  Today, Friday, my FMU also was negative. So Wednesday's positive HPT was either a momentary chemical pregnancy or a defective pee stick.

I went in for my blood draw and then I went straight to the grocery store to buy a couple of bottles of wine... because I knew the answer.

So my nurse emailed me (not sure how I feel about beta results via email) to confirm the beta was negative.  Dr. T is booking appointments into mid-April so my WTF appointment wont be for a month...  I asked the nurse to connect me with someone who could begin to educate me on the donor egg process and costs... I really don't know much about this option but I have a feeling it might be my only option with a chance...

For the last week I've been planning what I will do if this cycle fails... (I guess that's my way of coping with the 2ww after -now- 8 failures)  My plan is to start taking care of me.  I'm significantly overweight and TTC has only made me gain more weight.  I'm going to get on an aggressive weight loss program (that has worked for me in the past) for the next two months, knowing I will not cycle again for at least 2 months.  It's an extreme way to drop weight but at this time, I need something extreme that actually ends with results... I'm tired of doing things that don't work, such as 8 ART cycles.

Definition of Insanity:  Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results

To my local SMC friends... it's doubtful I'll end up going to the Choice Mom conference in Raleigh tomorrow.  I expect I would be a blubbering mess.  And unfortunately I also have a bridal shower for such a sweet friend I was invited to tomorrow, but I'm afraid I'd be quite the downer, frequently excusing myself to TRY to gain my composure.

So what will I do this weekend?  I really don't know... perhaps take the dogs for a walk, or to the dog park if I'm feeling really brave.  Otherwise, I'll just allow myself to grieve, again.

Hope

This is what Hope looks like to me.  

My remaining two embabies did not survive to freeze.

My original fear when the doctor recommended putting these four back was the possibility of multiples... that fear has now been replaced with... what if none of them stick???  

I am doing my best to stay optimistic and continue to hold on to hope.  I have no reason to believe one (or more) will not stick.  It's only 4dp3dt... I still have a long way to go in this 2ww!

IVF 2.0 - Transfer

I'm officially knocked up!

It was a great weekend with 7 of my sorority sisters at my place on Saturday for our annual Spring overnight gathering.  The transfer was always in the back of my head but it was a great time, lots of laughs and distraction.

This morning two of the girls dropped me off at the RE office.  My acupuncturist, A, met me there for Before & After treatments.

At the end of my Before treatment, Dr. T came in and gave me an update on my 6 embabies.  Four were really healthy 8-cells beginning to move into the morula stage.  She said they looked better today than any of the others from IVF1.0 on day 3.  The other two were 6-cell and still growing.

I am very happy Dr. T came in to do my transfer because I knew she would be the doctor I trusted the most to help me decide how many to transfer.  She knows me, my history, my case, everything.  She advised I transfer the 4 strongest ones.  I said "Four, really"? At that moment I wasn't so worried about my IVF failing as I was about what if my IVF is too successful?  


We talked about the number and she said (not direct quotes but context of discussion) based on my past attempts that this is the best way I can contribute to my success.  And in the off chance I would get pregnant with multiples, there is always the real possibility only one would make it to term.  That's my goal, one healthy baby making it to term.  I would still be thrilled with two (that's just not my goal)!!  There was a lot more to the discussion but those were some of the key points I recall from my valium haze.

Had any other doctor at the practice have told me to transfer four, I don't think I would have done it... but I trust Dr. T.  The other two will continue to grow in the lab and we will see if they make it to freeze (I'd LOVE it if they did).

I do think I'm going to be a bit closed mouthed about the number I transferred, outside of the blog world.  I expect people who don't get it (dealing with infertility) to pass judgment.  I don't want to have to justify my decision on this, I just don't.  I shouldn't have to.

So A drove me home after treatment (talk about a full-service acupuncturist).  Several of the girls were still here, finishing cleaning up and waiting on me to make sure I get settled (and didn't move).  I got settled on the couch and we all just hung out and talked some more.  Then one by one they left.  Except for D.

D decided she was going to hang out longer and wait on me, making sure my butt didn't get up.  This is not only sweet, but D had been out of town all week.  She had just gotten in on Friday night and turned around and came for our girls night mid-day Saturday.  So now, she's giving up her Sunday to take care of me... D has a husband and 3 kids (8, 7 and 5) at home, laundry to be done, homework to be finished, but she's hanging with me.

AND, D's husband and kids picked up a late lunch and came over to hang out too!  The kids cuddled up on the couch with me and we watched Ella Enchanted.  Then they played upstairs and with the dogs. Finally I sent them home around 5pm.

I've got the greatest friends!

IVF 2.0 - Fertilization Report (Updated)

Of my 8 eggs, 7 were mature and ICSI'd.  6 fertilized normally.

I have 6 growing embabies!!!  Please send as much positive energy to those embabies as you can for healthy growth!

Transfer is Sunday... I'll get a call later with the time (will update this post)

In the meantime, I took yesterday through Monday off of work.  Tomorrow 8 of my sorority sisters are coming over for our annual Spring Gathering.  They will all stay overnight, so I'll end up leaving them at the house when I go for transfer, to lock up when they leave.  I love my girls!  It's going to be a GREAT weekend!!

UPDATE:
Transfer is set for 10:30am on Sunday.  Dr. T is coming in to do my transfer (based on the way the nurse said this to me, sounds like Dr. T was not scheduled to be in on Sunday).

My acupuncturist, A is coming with me for before and after treatments.  YEA!!!

Grow embabies, GROW!!!

IVF 2.0 - Retrieval

I've got 8 eggs!!!

I was tweeting before and after the retrieval, literally while in my gown, footies and hair cap with the IV still in my left arm.  Maybe I was tweeting (after I texted "8 eggs" to my mom) because I needed to share my excitement and I was on my own, except for the nurses and anesthesiologist.  One of my Tweeps, BarrenKaren, joked about my 8 eggs and called me Octo-Mom.

I'm very pleased to have my 8 eggs.  They were using ICSI today to fertilize them, I'll be waiting by the phone tomorrow to get the fertilization report.

Everything went smoothly.  No doubt it helped that I'd been through it before and knew what to expect.  I've had no discomfort at all, from the moment they woke me in recovery.  Actually, the only discomfort I've had is my throat...  it's been dry and sore since shortly after I woke in recovery.  I asked if they had intubated me and they had not.  They said the drugs could be causing the throat soreness.  I'm not complaining.

I'm feeling good.  I'm feeling positive.  The 68 shots over 12 days resulted in 8 eggs, I pray they are all mature and healthy and they all fertilize and grow!  I pray one of them sticks and results in my healthy child come November!

Both IVF cycles, while waiting between the trigger and the retrieval, my worry was premature ovulation.  It's very rare but it happens.  Again, I was blessed and did not experience this problem.

I just have to say that my friend Ang, a fellow Tweep who also blogs at A Few Minor Details, we have been cycle buddies for both of our IVFs.  And both of hers have resulted in premature ovulation!  I'm devastated, frustrated and furious for her!  How could her doctor let this happen not once but TWICE?   Stop by and send her as much positive energy as you can... she's got one embryo growing toward transfer.  Let this be THE ONE!!!

Twenty Questions

Thanks to my very pregnant friend Shannon at Chasing Rainbows for tagging me for Twenty Questions!  

The rules.

Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?

Absolutely they are part of the family.  I often refer to my two 2-year old lab mixes as "the girls" when talking about them.  I also sign many cards to family & friends "Love BB, Izzy & Faithy" (including the dogs names)

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?

That's a no brainer.  This IVF cycle will result in a happy & healthy baby come November of this year!  

3. What would you do with a billion dollars?

Like Shannon, first I'd pay off my current mortgage (after I quit my day job).  I'd adopt a couple of children, in addition to my baby from #2, then I'd start an animal rescue organization.

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?

Taking the girls to the dog park.  Or working out, if I can motivate myself.

5. What is your bedtime routine?

Take out contacts, wash face, brush teeth.  Close & lock the laundry room door where the dog door is located.  The girls jump on the chaise at the foot of my bed and we spend some quality time saying good night.

6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? If you aren’t, what have you tried in the past few years to meet someone?

Primarily online dating over the last few years.  Before that was socially acceptable, I met guys at bars/parties,through friends and even through work.

7. What kind of books do you read?

I love a James Patterson thriller (except his series books like Alex Cross & Women's Murder Club).  I also indulge in a good Nora Roberts romance/suspense.

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?

Raising my 9-year old and possibly another child.  Hopefully in love with Mr. Right-for-me and living near family.

9. What’s your fear? 

Not having my dream of becoming a mom come true, never connecting with a man who is my Mr. Right.

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space?

Nope.  I love to look at the sky, the stars, the moon... I've never had the desire to go to outer space.

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

Smile at the girls looking over the back of the chaise at me, with such anticipation (body-wagging) about starting the day.  I wish I had their enthusiasm!!!  

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be?  Or, if you’re single - if you could choose a significant other who looked like anyone in the world, who would it be?

Matt Damon

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

I'd keep my first name but change the spelling to the biblical version of my name... 

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose?

Sun!

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

My breakfast casserole 

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?

The support and connections with other SMC's and women dealing with infertility issues.  You can't get this level of support at an in-person local event.

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods?

Salty... but I do love my sweets

18. What items are in your purse right now?

Nothing exciting.  Wallet, checkbook, receipts, lip gloss, eye wetting drops

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go?

Beach

20. What day would you want to live over & over (as in the movie Ground Hog Day)?

Taking a day off work with the man I thought I would marry and riding all of the roller coasters, over & over, at a local theme park.

And here are bloggers I'm tagging today

InconceivableA - my blog/twitter friend who is my IVF cycle buddy, for the second time

Paige at The Turning of Paige - a fellow SMC who exemplifies strength and perseverance 

Jay at Stork Stalking - The smartest SMC TTCer I know, settling into her new diggs in NYC

SurlyGirl at It's Definitely Possible - a new SMC TTCer

IVF2.0 Update:

Lots of big follies making my lower abdomen quite sore.  Retrieval should be Thursday (final word will come tomorrow), Transfer would then be Sunday.

Clueless

Back on the hormones again (to be read to the tune of "Back in the Saddle again").  I think my body, particularly my brain, acclimated back to the hormones immediately!

I have become... CLUELESS...  I am now what I would absolutely call "flighty".  I can't hold my train of thought, concentrate and sometimes I even have a hard time spelling.


Photo courtesy of Chic and Charming (I just had a hard time spelling "courtesy")


Sunday morning, I was out running errands.  I took a different route to the Home Economist Market and ended up driving several miles past my turn before I even realized I was driving aimlessly.  I attribute this to the lack of stress I feel right now... I was just taking a Sunday drive.

That's right my friends, I said LACK OF STRESS!  You should be so proud of me because I told my boss NO on Friday when he tried to get me to take the lead on another project using a technology I've never worked with, IVR (the phone robots we all hate).  But, I digress from the subject at hand.

After my Sunday morning errands I got back home and realized I didn't get trash bags.  Trash bags were very important to my goals for the rest of the day: declutter the house.

I grabbed my keys and drove the 3 blocks to the grocery store to pick up trash bags... and about 5 other items (because who can really go to the store and only pick up the single item they intended).

It was just past church time, which means the store was extremely busy.  I waited in line for a while and finally got to my own personal uScan - self check out - only to realize my purse was not on my arm....  Where was my purse?  I had breezed through the store so fast I know I didn't put it down in the store.  Did I leave my purse in the car???

My favorite employee at the grocery was working the uScan station.  He knows my name, always greets me with recognition, sometimes waving across the store and always has a smile.  Do you have any strangers in your life like that?  A person you don't know but you know, and when you see them you feel pleased?  Anyway, that's how I feel about my favorite employee at the grocery store... and again, I digress.  Point being, I left my basket with him while I went to find my purse.

Long story, less long, I had left my purse at home.  I had only grabbed my keys when I left the house in such a spontaneous fashion.  Home I went, grabbed my purse, went back to the store, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I've had a hard time concentrating and have gotten my cliche's wrong.  Yesterday on a work call I was thanking everyone for "turning on the speed of a dime".... yeah, that didn't make sense, but everyone knew what I meant.

Also, my monitoring appointment was yesterday.  Normally, as many of you know, I work from home.  I needed to be in the office for meetings yesterday so I had to go in straight from my appointment at the RE.

My instructions were to wait until after my monitoring appointment to do my injections.  I had a plan... I took my injectables into the doctors office with me and as I was getting dressed after my ultrasound I did my injections.  But since I was going straight to the office I had to keep the vials cool.  I had a small cloth lunch bag and used that to keep the medicine and put in the work refrigerator. I noted to myself (but not on paper) not to forget them when I left the office.

Well, as I was leaving, a business partner was leaving and we talked all of the way out of the building.  I was 4 blocks from my house when I realized my medicine was still in the refrigerator at work...  You know what comes next - U-turn.

So my monitoring appointment yesterday revealed 7 follicles all under 10.  The doctor (not my doctor) told me "it will be a while" before retrieval time.  I am continuing more of the same from my protocol.  This means I'll continue my adventures as the modern day Cher, from Clueless...

What flighty adventures will I get into next?

CD1 IVF2.0

AF made her appearance this morning!  Let's get this cycle started!!!

My dates with Mr. Wandy begin again in the morning... WooHoo!

Time to turn my stomach into a pin cushion...

Let the hormones  (and emotional instability) begin!

The end result is worth all of it!!!

Interesting Twists & Turns

I have so many interesting twists and turns to share this week... a series of short posts.

IVF Drugs
My mail-order IVF drugs (from Pharmacy #1) got caught up in the massive snowstorm earlier this week.  They were to be delivered on Tuesday.  I had to call the pharmacy to track down the tracking number and figure out when they were to arrive.  Of course the drugs were scheduled to be delivered two days late, on a day I had to be downtown for work (I work from home most days).

Thankfully a note on the door with a screenshot of the FedEx tracking information successfully replaced my in person signature and they left my box for me by the side door when I finally got home at 9pm Thursday, with sleet all over the box. At least there was no issue with the ice packs melting during the delay!

The nurse also clarified that I will not start my Lupron until I start Stims so I can wait to order that (from Pharmacy #4) in another week or two.

Pre-IVF Cycle Ovulation

Finally on CD16, Thursday, I got a smiley face on my OPK... good thing as I was going to have to buy a new pack of OPKs that day.



Fortune Cookie
This morning I was cleaning up my kitchen to make room to organize all of my drugs for IVF#2.  I found a fortune cookie that I had set aside months ago sitting next to all of my former set of IVF drugs and vitamins.  For some reason I just never got around to opening it.

Today I opened it, and it read: A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.  

I find this quite appropriate as I have reminded myself over and over that this TTC process is about learning the lesson of patience.

Work Stress
I still need to write a post about "Coming Out" to my leadership, peers and partners about my infertility struggles.  I've been doing that over the last few weeks as I continue to explain to leadership that the amount of work on my plate (allocated 250%) has to let up; the doctor mandates I reduce my stress, which is accentuated due to the IVF hormones.

Anyway, I've been managing two projects each which require 100% of a resource (me), because we have not been given the green light to replace the resource we let go in December (due to performance issues).  Plus I manage half of the project portfolio - this means I'm ultimately responsible for 8 - 10 other projects that other people are managing; I have responsibility that these projects are on track, act as the point of escalation to remove road blocks, etc.  I've been so busy for months that it's nearly impossible to get anything done because I'm constantly pulled into different directions simultaneously.  There are a number times each week that I'm supposed to be in 4 different meetings at the same time...

Random Run-In Turned Networking
I was out for tapas & drinks with my business partners Thursday night.  While walking from the office to the restaurant I found myself thinking of someone I had been meaning to connect with.  W is a sharp guy that I recruited to work for me several years ago.  He didn't realize his potential so I coached him into developing the confidence he needed to realize he could be a great leader in the division.  I told him, as I watched his confidence and responsibility grow, that one day I'd end up working for him.

Anyway, when I walked in the door I was headed to my business partners and I hear my name.  It's W and a group of people from that division.  Coincidence?  I don't think so... I had a chance to talk to him depth that evening and talk about opportunities back in his division.  I told him I was ready to come work for him, just as I predicted years ago when he worked for me.  And there sounds like there may be opportunities opening up...  When I got home Thursday night I was really feeling better about the possibility of a new opportunity going back to doing something I really enjoy!  I still am excited about this possibility...

Company Announces Shut Down of Business (Product) I Support
Thursday & Friday of this week I was in the office with local business partners, as well as several who flew in for our all day working sessions.  Friday at lunch time the entire business division was called together for an announcement that our company, due to strategic business decisions to get back to fundamentals, would be exiting our business, aka our product is being sunset.

It's strange to describe that while it was shocking and disheartening for my partners, I felt such a great sense of relief!  My workload and all the related stress was no longer important or urgent.  The company is committed to redeploying each person into other roles, once we go through the shut down of operations; I do believe that everyone will still have jobs, unless they elect to leave the company.

My division has assured they can absorb me and my team into new assignments supporting other products/services.  This is reassuring, I still have a job.  But I also want to use this time to try to find a different role, like the one I mentioned above working for W.

I've expressed to my leadership that I prefer to stay on and help with the assessment and execution of what it will take to properly shut down this business area.  So far, it sounds like I'll get my wish. We start this process on Monday.  This also gives me time to network and work out potential other opportunities.

Random Meeting of Another SMC
This is the strangest and most inspiring part of this series of stories that make up my week...  The boss of my senior business partner (I'll call her D), who I have met once before, was in the room helping the team absorb the enormity of the announcement about the business and their jobs.  When the call ended, you could cut the silence in the room with a knife, and there were probably 40+ people in the room.

D began to speak, her voice was full of emotion as she reassured the team that they have done a tremendous job over the years and that this decision is not a reflection of their work but of a broader-arching strategy based on the current economic climate.  She went on but I won't share that level of detail here.  Many in the room had eyes shimmering with unshed tears as D spoke, including me.

After the meeting ended, everyone lingered in the room to talk as they continued to absorb the news.   I cancelled the remainder of my all day working session as it was clear that project would be cancelled (and many of us went out for drinks mid-afternoon).

D and I spoke for a moment and I mentioned that hearing the emotion in her voice choked me up, but I'm hormonal, etc.  The topic of my IVF came up (since I'm being open about it at work now).  She said she went through infertility treatments about 6 years ago so she understands completely.  She went on to talk about how she ended up adopting and it was the best decision she's ever made; how her children are meant to be her children.  I told her I'm single and doing this on my own, and that it's my impression that adoption is more challenging for a single woman.

I can't describe the look that washed over her face, but I wont forget it.  It was then that she said she is also single.  She went through all of the process and steps as a SMC.  I had no idea.  She showed me pictures of her 4 and 6 year old gorgeous, smiling children she adopted from Guatemala.

So there at the strangest and most bitter-sweet random time possible, I connected with another SMC.  We're going to get together once the dust settles.

It was a strange yet inspiring week!  And I feel completely at peace for the first time in a long time.

Lastly - The Versatile Blogger
Thanks to SurlyMama for the nod for the Virtual Blogger award.  I'm going to link back to my post from October when I previously received the award.  And again, I'm sorry your first cycle didn't work AND that it left a cyst that forces you to sit out this month.  Mother Nature can be very cruel.