Friday, March 18, 2011

IVF2.0 - It's Over

I wrote this post in my head Tuesday night as I was awake in tears for hours, convinced this cycle had failed.  I had been peeing on extra sensitive sticks (claims to read 10ml HCG) since Friday, all negative.

Suddenly Wednesday afternoon, just before walking out the door for acupuncture, there was a second line!!!  OMG!  I was thrilled!  It was a faint yet clearly distinctive second line (believe me, I know what no line looks like, this was a line).  Just to be sure, I took the stick to acupuncture and A confirmed she saw it too!  She said my pulse felt different (as it does with a pregnancy).

But Thursday's FMU resulted in a negative (I tried to convince myself I saw something, but I really didn't).  I peed on FIVE sticks Thursday, all negative.  Today, Friday, my FMU also was negative. So Wednesday's positive HPT was either a momentary chemical pregnancy or a defective pee stick.

I went in for my blood draw and then I went straight to the grocery store to buy a couple of bottles of wine... because I knew the answer.

So my nurse emailed me (not sure how I feel about beta results via email) to confirm the beta was negative.  Dr. T is booking appointments into mid-April so my WTF appointment wont be for a month...  I asked the nurse to connect me with someone who could begin to educate me on the donor egg process and costs... I really don't know much about this option but I have a feeling it might be my only option with a chance...

For the last week I've been planning what I will do if this cycle fails... (I guess that's my way of coping with the 2ww after -now- 8 failures)  My plan is to start taking care of me.  I'm significantly overweight and TTC has only made me gain more weight.  I'm going to get on an aggressive weight loss program (that has worked for me in the past) for the next two months, knowing I will not cycle again for at least 2 months.  It's an extreme way to drop weight but at this time, I need something extreme that actually ends with results... I'm tired of doing things that don't work, such as 8 ART cycles.

Definition of Insanity:  Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results

To my local SMC friends... it's doubtful I'll end up going to the Choice Mom conference in Raleigh tomorrow.  I expect I would be a blubbering mess.  And unfortunately I also have a bridal shower for such a sweet friend I was invited to tomorrow, but I'm afraid I'd be quite the downer, frequently excusing myself to TRY to gain my composure.

So what will I do this weekend?  I really don't know... perhaps take the dogs for a walk, or to the dog park if I'm feeling really brave.  Otherwise, I'll just allow myself to grieve, again.

21 comments:

  1. I am so so SO sorry. I don't know what to say. You really deserve to have things work out. I can't believe that you had to go through the pee stick false positive thing too. I trust that you will find a really lovely donor egg or donor embryo. I can't believe they sent you an emailed to confirm the beta negative.
    Shedding a tear for you.

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  2. I'm so very sorry. Take your time to grieve.

    Hugs,
    MyTTCstory

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  3. I'm so sorry. TTC have brings us to the highest highs - Is that a second line? - and the lowest lows - No, it's not a second line. Thinking of you.

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  4. Dearest Bebe,
    I'm so very, very sorry. I don't have the words to express the grief that I feel for you right now. You will get through this. Take your time and be kind to yourself.

    Lots of hugs.

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  5. So sorry to hear your news. I can really relate to what you are going through and know there are no words to make it better. I will be thinking of you.

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  6. BB, I am SO SO sorry! This really sucks! I will be thinking of you.

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  7. I am so sorry. Truly. I've been down a rough road to becoming an SMC (my daughter took me a full year to conceive, and I started trying at 29) and for baby number 2 finally turned to donor egg after *21* failed IUI/IVF cycles and multiple miscarriages. I wasn't ready to do it sooner, and I don't regret any decision. For some, DE is hope.

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  8. I am so sorry. Not knowing why this is not working is hell.

    I think its a good idea you are thinking about DE. I don't know how things will work out, but this I know: many people have doubts and misgivings and sadness as they go towards DE. If and when you do decide to go for it and things work out and you have that baby growing inside you and coming out 9 months later...there is not one iota of difference in the joy and fulfillment and love involved between using your own eggs vs DE.

    Getting there is hard though. Take care of yourself, and be kind to yourself.

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  9. You are so brave to continue on this journey. I'm so sorry it didn't work this time...I was really pulling for you.

    Good luck on your weight lose plan. I would love to know how you lose weight rapidly.

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  10. I am soo sorry! I was hoping to meet you at the conference since I am going too but you have to what's best for you. I'm sending healing vibes your way.

    ~Amy

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  11. Oh, I'm so very sorry! I know we all were really hoping and praying that this one would work for you. This really sucks. A lot.

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  12. Oh gosh, I was rooting so hard for you :( I am so sorry.

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  13. From the bottom of my heart I am so sorry! I know that place and it just sucks. Please if you want to talk, vent, cry...let me know and we can email or IM or Skype!! I've been (and still am) where you are and I am here for you!

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  14. I'm so sorry :(
    false positive or chemical just makes that bfn suck even harder.

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  15. I'm so sorry this was not the cycle. I feel sick for you, BB.
    You have a really good plan moving forward:
    Bottles of wine first.
    Grieve.
    WTF appointment.
    Learn more about DE.
    Even if that's not the route you go right now (or ever), knowing the information will only help.

    I'm thinking of you this weekend.

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  16. I'm so sorry. (((((hugs)))))

    No matter what happened with that test, it was just plain mean. It is such a horrible feeling to see a BFN after you see just one BFP. Been there, done that.

    Glad to hear that you're keeping your options open. Even if you don't go the DE route at least you'll have had all the information to consider and there's nothing wrong with being informed.

    I'll be thinking about you.

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  17. I am so sorry. Yes, take care of you, grieve, and skip the social events for now. This totally and completely sucks.

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  18. I am so sorry. This is just not fair. I know you will get there because you are a strong person (eventhough you may not feel like it at this moment). And, all of your blog sisters are cheering and rooting for you.

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