Hope & Fear

I was in the waiting room at the RE today, waiting to be called back for my IUI and I realized I had (all too common) conflicting emotions... I felt hopeful.  I even wore my #hope t-shirt I bought during NIAW this year.

Feeling hopeful brought on an overwhelming sense of fear.  Fear of disappointment from another failure. All I know from all of my IUI's and IVF's is failure, disappointment and heartbreak.

Dr. K was on duty today, I've seen him a lot this cycle.  He basically said this is a perfect cycle, as long as at least one egg is a good egg.  I have my 5 or 6 eggs ovulating, 22 million sperm making their way to the eggs and a healthy triple stripe lining in my uterus.

When this cycle was converted to an IUI, I basically gave up hope for the cycle at that time.  I even went back on Diet Coke and have indulged in a few glasses of wine since IVF3 was cancelled, even though I continued to stim for IUI... because IUI's have failed me for 6 cycles already.

I do question whether stimming for so long (due to my lack of response coming off the BCPs) impacted the quality of my eggs for this attempt.  Time will tell.

But today, I felt it... I felt the hope... and the fear.


*Gwinne, you asked in your comments about the clinic allowing me to do an IUI based on the number of follies I had... with my history, it's not an issue; the more follies the better, hoping that ONE might be good enough.

83

No, that's not a beta number.  It's the NUMBER OF INJECTIONS that I've completed over 15 days of Stims for this (now) IUI cycle.

Oh, how times have changed... I was recently reminiscing with my RN friend, the same friend who insisted on staying with me after IVF2.0 transfer - along with her family, about my first IUI when I drove 30 minutes to her house for my first EVER trigger shot.  And then how proud I was of myself when I was able to do my first EVER self-injection.  Who knew???

Somebody check with Guinness... I think this must be a world record number of injections for an IUI.

PS... trigger was tonight.  I've got 5 or 6 follies between 17 - 21 at this time.  IUI on Sunday.

BUMP (aka Cancelled)

Courtesy of Google Images

So there is yet another bump in the road on the way to my baby bump.  My ovaries are not responding and my follicles are not growing and estrogen is not rising... they are all 5mm or less, one is 6mm and one is 10mm.  I am cursing the damn Birth Control Pills... which I didn't want to take in the first place as a lead in to this cycle.  I'm f*&ing OVERSURPRESSED.  Not that my doctor used those words, but I have NEVER had issues with follicle response and this protocol worked beautifully during IVF2 (without the BCP lead-in).  Yes, I am a bit pissed.

I was given the option to continue meds and convert to an IUI (which is what I was thinking would be the best option) or stop the meds and start a estrogen/progesterone to stimulate the receptors on my ovaries in order to lead in to a new cycle.

I am electing to convert to an IUI because this was to be my last IVF locally.

I'm in the midst of a quick cry due to disappointment and hormones... but I've already contacted CCRM to get the ball rolling.  By my estimation I'll head out there for initial testing at the end of July.

Happy 4th everyone!!

Annoying Reminders

Courtesy of Google Images

One of the things that annoys me the most about IVF is having to set an alarm as a reminder to take all of my various pills/injectables/insertables.  But, alas, I need the alarms in order to take the drugs at the required time... otherwise I get distracted with life, work.

It's not the actual setting of the alarm that annoys me, it's when the alarm goes off.  Like I need multiple reminders a day that I'm infertile and am now working on my THIRD IVF... but that's really what the sound of that alarm represents...  hey you, yeah, the Infertile one... it's time to stop life and set up your sterile area for your injections, pull the vials out of the refrigerator and let them warm up to room temperature so you can stick yourself (and bruise your belly) because, while there is no guarantee you'll have a baby by doing this day-in and day-out, there IS A GUARANTEE that you WILL NOT HAVE A BABY if you don't!

But the message the alarm sends is not the point of this post... it's just the alarm itself that's caused some annoying and uncomfortable moments.  I've had two recent incidents of bad timing with the alarm.

Acupuncture
The first incident was a few weeks ago... it was the reminder to take my BCP/Letrozol at 6pm daily.  I was at acupuncture...  you see where I'm going with this...  I had just replaced my iPhone a couple of days before (I'm so happy to be back on Verizon!) and I flipped the switch to Silent on my way to acupuncture.  Yet at 6pm.... RING... (old fashioned telephone sound)... RING... RING... RING... RING... RING... RING... RING... RING... RING... RING... RING... RING...  (warning:  with the iPhone 4, the alarm rings audibly even when the phone is set to Silent)   RING... RING... RING... RING... RING... RING... RING... RING... RING...

You get the idea, right?  Phone alarms don't take a break unless you hit snooze... so it just continues... RING... RING... RING... RING... RING... RING... RING...

Well, while I'm getting used to needles (and I used to be a needle-phobe) I am NOT getting off the table with needles sticking out of my head, abdomen, hands, legs and feet.  Moving around the room to get to my phone and shut the alarm... it's just not an option.  I yell out to my acupuncturist...  'A'...  I keep yelling out her name every few rings... I'm getting louder and louder... but she doesn't hear me.  I'm not kidding when I say 10 minutes passed before she finally came in and fished my phone out of my purse for me.  I didn't realize the walls were soundproof!

Yes, the benefits of that acupuncture session was a #fail.

Monitoring
Oh yes, I'm going there...  Yesterday, I was in for morning monitoring at 7am.  I had my bloodwork done, waited to be called back to an exam room, finally went back, got undressed from the waist down... you know the drill...  I sat back with my feet in the stirrups and my paper sheet covering my lower half and read my Kind.le waiting on the doctor to check my follies and lining.

In comes the doctor (not my doctor).  Over the last 14 months I've seen each doctor in the practice numerous times but they still tend to walk in and introduce themselves, like it's the first time we've met.  I know they see a ton of patients... but really...  you've seen me a dozen times or more over the last year+.  And this doctor starts asking me what I think about stimming so far... like it's my first time at bat.  Again, I don't expect him to know my case history off the top of his head... but at the same time... this is my third time in for IVF (not to mention all of the IUI's)... given the amount of business I've given them... anyway, not the point of this post!

So the Doc is in position and Wandy is doing its thing, the nurse is writing down the sizes of all of my follies and.... TRILL... TRILL... TRILL... TRILL... TRILL... TRILL.... TRILL... TRILL... TRILL... TRILL... TRILL... (I changed my alarm tone after the BCP/acupuncture incident because I couldn't stand to hear the RING... RING... RING... any longer).  Kind of ironic to be in the stirrups for monitoring when my alarm reminder for my morning injections goes off.

Of course, my purse (where my phone is) is across the room next to my pants.  I asked the nurse to grab it and I finally turned it off... all the while, the doctor barely pauses and continues to call out follicle sizes.


The good news is I have so many follies (the news I find disappointing is that they were all only 3 and 4mm in size).  The doctor was encouraging because I didn't have any outliers... they are all consistent in size.


Today I'm thankful for having 11 follies... more than I've ever had during this stage of IVF.  And, while I don't like the alarm itself, I am thankful to be in the age of technology that makes it so easy to set multiple alarms (labeled) and carry it with you... as much as I can't stand that damn alarm.

And now I need to pick another new alarm sound... any recommendations?  I find them all annoying.

In My Dreams

Courtesy of Google Images

It's been a very long time since I've had dreams about my child. And even through this long TTC path, I've not had many dreams about my baby (not while sleeping, that is).  

But this week I've dreamed of my baby twice that I can recall.  First was a dream I barely remembered having the next day, but it was my baby as a newborn.  Last night I had a blonde little boy, probably around 2 years old.

I see these dreams as the hope that does remain in my subconscious...  so today, I'm thankful for dreams of my future child!

Moving on to IVF3.0

I'm amazed that I have to write those words...  I never imagined that I would be the kind of person who would do IVF after IVF (but then again, I wasn't planning to be infertile).  Now, I'm going into IVF3.0 with a plan for IVF4.0...

I had bloodwork last week that confirmed that my CA125 dropped to 27.7 (from 34.3) after nearly 2 full cycles of BCP & Letrozol (my last day for the second full cycle of BCP is tomorrow).  As I've mentioned before, while it's controversial as to the use of the CA125 test to 'diagnose' Endometriosis, since I made the decision to go with Dr. T for IVF3.0, I'm going with it.  Dr. T wanted the level to drop under 30, which it has... this means I do not have to do the dreaded 3rd cycle of BCP/Letrozol and can begin stimming for IVF3.0 next week.

So assuming this is the first time in my 14 months TTC that I have a possible diagnosis, the treatment used is deemed effective (the level dropped), hence possibly giving me my first really good chance at conceiving.

However I do not expect that I'm going to be excited and optimistic, I just don't feel like I have it in me.  I don't have the heart to listen to my meditations.  It's all I can do just to give up the wine, caffeine and artificial sweeteners (diet coke) without some kind of guarantee.  But I know all too well, there are no guarantees.


I do appreciate knowing that you all will carry hope for me, when I am not able to do so for myself.

Courtesy of Google Images

For now, the meds are ordered.  The schedule is set, but always tentative, of course (and it's quite tight in order to finish just BEFORE my friends visit in mid-July).    My July 4th plans are cancelled to be home for monitoring.

So for IVF3.0... I'm going to try to list (at least) one thing that I'm thankful for during each blog post.  Today, I am thankful that my last BCP will be tomorrow (and that I do not have to do a 3rd cycle of BCP).  Good riddance birth control pills!

A Decision... for now

My apologies for not writing about my appointment with Dr. T any sooner.  The appointment went well, work has just been busy and I have not felt like blogging since then.

Test Results
CA125... while it is not diagnostic of endo (actually it is diagnostic of ovarian cancer), levels above 20 can indicate an increased risk of endo.  My level was 34.3, not very high but elevated.

I didn't get into the validity of the test because seriously, different doctors have different opinions... I'm not going to try to change her mind about her belief in the test.

Also, I asked if I should be concerned about Ovarian Cancer and she said the levels for that are much, much, much higher, plus we've been looking at my ovaries frequently throughout TTC, Ovarian Cancer is not an issue.


Endo Function Test (from my Endo Biopsy)... this test showed low grade inflammation that could be indicative of endometriosis.

You put the CA125 and EFT results together, along with my mom's history of endometriosis and there is a probability that I have mild endometriosis.  

Protocol/Treatment
BCP + Letrizol - this is the current method of treatment that she and the other doctors at the clinic believe is most effective in calming the uterus prior to an IVF cycle.  They do not use lupron due to the overly suppressing effects which take longer to wear off (given my age suppression is not the right method for me).


Decision
I will continue with this protocol with Dr. T for this cycle.  If this cycle is not successful, I will go to CCRM or another reputable clinic (this gives me time to line up additional consults).

Dr. T also agreed that she will test my CA125 at the end of my second cycle of BCP's (approx. June 20) and if the number goes down, I will not have to do a full third cycle of BCP's and we'll move into my IVF cycle.

And thank you for all of your feedback on your thoughts and experiences with CCRM, other clinics.  I appreciate all of the information you shared in your comments on my last post!

Timing
Since I have no idea within about an 8 week period when my IVF3.0 Stims/ER/Transfer will take place, rather than booking a trip with my oldest friends to celebrate our 40th birthdays this summer... they booked flights to come here in July!  All I have to do is make sure my ER/Transfer is not going to be over that weekend (which I can be sure to manipulate since I'm on BCP's anyway).  We're going to do a spa day, maybe a day at the USNWC rafting, etc along with some boutique shopping.

A Positive Post

I told the nurse to go ahead and book the appointment with Dr. T, fully expecting it would be late June.  She comes back and asks if I can make it at 3:15pm today?

Are you kidding?  Yes, I'll be there!  I'm even thankful it's AFTER the meeting I HAVE to facilitate at 2pm...  although I would have figured something out (like getting someone else to run the meeting).


I was going to wait until after the appointment to write a post, but then I thought, it might be a negative tone... depending on how the appointment goes.

So here's my positive post!

Do I or Don't I?

First of all, thank you for your wonderful comments of support from my last post.  Secondly, I really want to change the tone of my blog from whiney (about IF) to something more positive... but then something happens again and I have to work through it on the blog... feel free to skip over if you can't take more on my IF woe's.

Today is the day to start my second pack of 'active' BCP's.  I had to call the nurse because the pharmacy said it was too soon to refill the Rx.  She got that worked out but I asked her if she had my EFT (endo biopsy) results back yet.  After fumbling around she found them and started to read things to me... she might as well have been speaking a foreign language.  She said the bottom line was something showed slightly abnormal  and it might be the endometriosis that the CA125 test had indicated was a possibility.

So the doctor wants me to have another CA125 test after this second round of BCP's and then go into yet a THIRD cycle of BCP's leading into my next IVF cycle.  I was crushed.  A third cycle of BCP's, that's 63 days... which would put me into late July before I could possibly start stimming for IVF3.0?  For treating POSSIBLE endometriosis??  This puts me at 5 months in-between IVF's... what happened to No Cycle Shall Be Without A Purpose?

So do I have endo or don't I??  I have no idea.

I asked if I could talk to Dr. T about the test results and the possible diagnosis, even if by phone.  I was informed that Dr. T doesn't "do" phone consults but I could make an appointment.  Of course, I know that means at LEAST 4 weeks before I can talk to her, I'll be in my 3rd cycle of BCP's by then.

I was blinking back tears at the pharmacy this afternoon picking up the BCP's I need because I can't get pregnant... it sucks and it doesn't make sense.

Second Opinion

I had my phone consult with Dr. Su.rr.y at CCRM last week while at the beach.  He does suspect that with my 2 chemical pregnancies (he agreed that's what they were) it's likely an embryo quality issue.  He recommends PGS (Preimplantation Genetic Screening) with my next IVF cycle to get a better idea of my embryo quality.  He also talked about how different labs impact the quality of the embryo.

He also doesn't believe in using the CA125 test to diagnose endometriosis (it is a test commonly used for cervical cancer) and it could mean MANY things, especially given it was barely above the normal threshhold.  Apparently the use of the CA125 test as an indicator for endo started at Wake Forest so he suspected it was picked up by my clinic due to the local connection.  He doesn't believe in using BCP's for endometriosis control, he would use Lupron priming.  He doesn't believe in the EFT (endo biopsy) as it's not validated outside of the Yale research facility.

If I work with CCRM, I would need to travel to Colorado 3 times... 1) Initial evaluation/workup; 2) Egg Retrieval; 3) FET (after PGS results)

There was a lot more to the consult but I'm trying to keep this post condensed.

Do I stop taking the BCP and go to CCRM for my next cycle or don't I?  I have a pro/con list in my head.

Pros

• New lab 
• New doctor
• More info on the embryos
• Moving forward within next 2 weeks
• Local monitoring (via my current clinic, is that a pro or con?

Cons

• New doctor not as familiar with my history
• I'm 1/3 through the BCP protocol (should I need to start it again one day, I'll have to start over)
• Travel/time away from work
• What happens if my CCRM IVF doesn't work?

In the meantime, I'm at a loss for whether I can schedule a trip with 2 of my oldest girlfriends to celebrate our 40th birthday's... we were thinking late July.  If I stay with Dr. T, I'll be stimming in late July. If I go to CCRM, I'm not sure (depends on when I stop the BCP's) but my ER could be mid-July so we might be able to do our trip (depending on how I swing things with work).

Decisions... I wish someone could just tell me what to do for a change, because I have NO IDEA.

I'm Sorry, Life is So Unfair

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, life is so unfair.

These are the best words of support you can offer to a friend who is struggling with infertility.  Especially if...

• you don't know what to say or how to support your infertile friend
• you have a child of your own
• you have never struggled with infertility
• you have been drinking heavily ALL day!

WHAT NOT TO SAY under any of these circumstances (and many, many unnamed circumstances as well)...

• she needs to take a break for a while and get back to the person you remember her to be (because somehow the months in-between March 2011's IVF2.0 and hopefully July's IVF3.0 is not actually a break?)
• she should take a break and lose weight
• tell her she doesn't have any idea how hard pregnancy is and how crazy pregnancy makes a woman (even though she's been swallowing, injecting and inserting thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of hormones over the last year)
• you didn't know how to respond to the information she was sharing about the second opinion consult she had that morning (the appointment she waited 6 weeks to have, even though she had to take the call from the beach trip) so you kept asking questions about using Facebook during her debrief with the other girls who actually wanted to know what the doctor had just said
• she shouldn't refer to the spare room in her house as the "one-day nursery" because SHE DOESN'T HAVE A BABY or a NURSERY, it's just a ROOM
• she should stop trying and it will happen (hello, you know I'm single - plus this happens in 5% of the cases of infertile women... that means 95% of the time, an infertile doesn't get pregnant when you 'stop trying'.)

While you may INTEND for this conversation to be supportive and well-meaning out of concern for your infertile friend, it's not.  Instead, what you have done is...

• broken your infertile friend's heart
• made your infertile friend feel more alone than she's ever felt before 
• made your infertile friend decide she will no longer talk about her infertility with you and other close friends, she will now elect to suffer in silence (other than her online & IRL infertility support groups)
• made your infertile friend not want to spend time with you (which is difficult since you are currently sharing a room on vacation)
• made your infertile friend need a second Xana.x in the middle of the night in order to sleep
• made your infertile friend debate whether she can even write about this on her blog since you have access to the link, although she doesn't think you actually read it (this blog is my safe place and how I process things, especially for support of those who may understand)
• made your infertile friend have doubts about being able to continue with our annual beach trip tradition
• made your infertile friend FEEL GUILTY for her hurt feelings because she knows that your intention behind your comments was well-meaning even though the comments hurt her to the core

The struggle of infertility is a tremendous hardship financially, physically and emotionally.  If you have not been through this type of struggle, please keep your "well-meaning" comments to yourself.  

The best way I can describe a fleeting moment of how an infertile feels to a fertile person...

1. Think about your children
2. Now think about a time before you had your children
3. Now imagine someone has told you that you will never have your children, they will not exist
4. Think about that fleeting moment of fear and your stomach sinking... wouldn't you go to the ends of the earth to get to your children?

An infertile knows their child is meant to be... and she is doing whatever it takes to get to her child!

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, life is so unfair.

Beach Week - Chicken & Grape Salad

I'm seriously unhappy with Blogger right now.  This post was almost done and I accidentally deleted part of it... and there is NO WAY TO GO BACK!


So... the short story...  I'm going to the beach with my girls this week, annual trip.  I'm behind on blogging, reading & commenting because work has been busy.  Hope to catch up soon!


The other part of the story is that my CA125 test (for endo) came back slightly elevated) so I've been told that the standard protocol is 2 cycles (42 days straight) of BCP + Letrozol... I'm about 14 days in.  Based on this, the earliest I will stim for IVF3.0 is late June.  I'm still waiting on the EFT/Endo Biopsy results... which should be in any day.  Once those results come in, I'll talk to Dr. T and learn more about what's going on.


In the meantime, I have a phone consult with CCRM while I'm on vacation.


I'm making my summer chicken salad - the chicken & grape salad - by request again for our beach trip.  I HATE mayo & mustard... will not eat it, will not cook with it.  This chicken salad is inspired by Dean & Deluca...  I've been perfecting it for years and it is, if I do say so  myself, much better than D&D.


I do tweak things every time I make it, especially at the start of each season when I begin making it again.  I must say, I've outdone myself today!


Here's my best attempt at measuring. Play with it and make it your own. Let me know if you add a twist/spice/etc. 
3 chicken breasts (more for a bigger batch)
1 cup OJ
Chopped Pecans or Walnuts
Red Seedless Grapes
1 Orange for zest
1 Sweet Onion (preferably Vidalia)
Celery (4 - 5 stalks)
Brown sugar
Salt
Lite House Salad Seasonings (optional, but makes a flavorable difference)

Cut up the chicken, cook in slow cooker with some OJ & Brown Sugar (enough to marinate). Chop celery & onion, half grapes, zest the orange, add nuts. Squeeze the juice from the orange into mixture. Add OJ, brown sugar, salt & salad seasonings (to taste). Note, you don't want it soggy, just moist, so don't over-saturate with OJ. 

Blogger Faux Paus

So I had a miscommunication with Blogger on when my 100th blog post was coming up.  Now mind you, I've been watching the post numbers grow for a while... 96, 97, 98, 99...  knowing I should mark some kind of tribute for my 100th post.

What I didn't realize that Blogger was including 'Drafts' in that count.  So my 100th post was actually my 92nd post, the remaining 8 were long-forgotten drafts.

I still stand by my 100th Episode post, even it was slightly premature.

100th Episode

You may recall that Seinfeld, one of the top sitcoms of all time, put together summaries of their episode milestones.

Courtesy of Google Images

This is my 100th blog post, my 100th episode.  In the spirit of Seinfeld, here is the first 100 posts in review.

Never would I have imagined when I started this blog that 21 months later I wouldn't have my baby in my arms.  I envisioned wacky tales of figuring out how to buy donor sperm, getting inseminated at the doctors office (rather than by candlelight) and the experience of being pregnant, preparing for baby.  I thought that perhaps like Julie & Julia, my unique (I thought it would be unique when I started) blog would get picked up for movie rights, blazing the way for other SMC's (this was before The Backup Plan, The Switch, and The Kids are Alright - we've come a long way, baby).  As I broke into the blog world, I realized that there was a wide-world of SMC's... and later learned more than I ever wanted to know about the in's & out's of infertility.

The Pilot: The pilot episode aired in August of 2009, but it didn't get picked up for the season. It was a good learning opportunity as I connected with my first SMC-wanna-be's and created my Twitter persona to align with the blog.  I had some housekeeping to be done, in the terms to getting back to a steady-corporate income, before things could move forward.

Syndicated:  It took approximately 8 months for me to get things into place and under way.  My blog picked back up in May of 2010, just in time for a hysteroscopy and my first IUI.  I was going to be a mom, a SMC, in 9 months!!  ....only things didn't work out that way...

I didn't get pregnant right away.  I continued IUI's while new SMC friends I had connected with got their BFPs.  I began to deal with the idea that it might take me longer than I imagined to begin my life as an SMC.  And it hurt.

After several failed IUI's I finally went back to work for my former employer, the one that laid me off after 12 years of service, the one with great benefits.  Getting laid off in early 2009 was a big hit to my ego, very much defined by my career at that time and much of the reason my SMC TTC got to such a slow start.  Going back was a lesson of swallowing my pride, in the interest of what is best for me and my future family.  This employer has not only good maternity benefits, it has good infertility coverage as well.

Advancing from IUI to IVF:  My 6th IUI gave me a glimpse of hope, as I had implantation bleeding and a BFP a few days before my beta, but as fast as it appeared, it went away.  I started my period an hour before trick-or-treaters came on Halloween night.  I was actually happy because I had never gotten to this level of success previously, even though it ended in failure.

My 6th IUI also allowed me to hit a milestone I wish I never met, an official diagnosis of "Unexplained Infertility".

IVF1.0:  November/December 2010 was my first IVF.  Surely moving to IVF would get me to my dream of being a mom!    Three days before Christmas my BFN is confirmed.  I was devastated and trying to figure out how to make it through the snowbound family holiday.

Bringing in the New Year was tough, especially when I learned a high school friend announced her third pregnancy the day after her 3 year wedding anniversary.

IVF2.0:  By the end of January I was preparing to start my second IVF.  My response to the protocol was much improved and I had one (of many) HPT that turned positive... that was an afternoon of hope, elation and joy I've not felt in so long, even knowing it was early  

Regrouping:  Sadly, there has been more negativity and sadness in my blog than I would ever have imagined.  As I ventured out of the world of hopeful SMC to the world of a single Infertile woman, things got really difficult.  I wish this were the blog I planned, about a single woman happily becoming a mom, and I pray one day that it can be 'that blog'.

My Bloggies:  The best part about this, my 100th post, is recognizing the amazing women I have met along the way!  We may not be neighbors, but I know I am not alone.  We may not be in the same place on our paths, but your support never waivers.  At times, this blog, and your comments are a lifeline.  And I am happy that at times, I can support you.

Thank you for being with me, during the good and the bad.  It's time for more GOOD.

Mothers Day, Different Meanings for Different Experiences

First, Happy Mothers Day to those of you who are mothers and expectant mothers!  I hope you enjoy this day for everything that it is worth!!!

Second, my heart goes out to everyone who has lost their mother or may be estranged from their mother.  My own mother is such a blessing and support, I can't fathom not having my dear mother in my life so I know this day must be such a difficult reminder for you.

Third, I wish for peace to all of the mothers who have lost a child during or post pregnancy.  I have no words to express how unnatural and unfair this is for any mother to endure.

Next, I pray for blessings for those of us who desire with all of our hearts to be mothers but struggle with the pain of infertility.  Today, we must suffer through, endure and survive... (as I did last year) I have HOPE that by next Mother's Day, we'll all be able to celebrate BEING a mom!

Lastly, I leave you with a link to a touching post by Keiko to remember the childless, not by choice.  Her words hold so much truth in how I feel:

We may not have stayed up late when the kids wouldn't go to bed.  But we've stayed up late worrying about our transfers he next morning.  We've stayed up late wondering why the agency hasn't called.  Stayed up late wondering "how on earth are we going to pay for this?"

We may not have endured 20 hours of labor and a natural birth. But we've endured countless hours in stirrups, endless rounds of needles and herbal treatments and painful surgeries. And years of silence and shame.

We may not have brought our child to work but we've sacrificed careers to stay in jobs we hate just to maintain specific health insurance coverage, however crappy that coverage might be - but it's better than paying 100% out of pocket. 

My Resolve

I went to my first Resolve meeting this week (for those lucky enough not to know, Resolve is an Infertility support/advocacy organization).  I was supposed to go to my first one in December, but my IVF1.0 Retrieval happened the same day.   There was no January meeting and I never actually got added to the local group's mailing list so February/March passed.  I reconnected with the leader but I was traveling in April so here it is May... and I finally went to my first meeting.

Back when I was seeing my Infertility therapist, Dr. G, she was a little skeptical about me joining up with the local Resolve group.  She was concerned meeting other women suffering from infertility may not be healthy for me.  Really?

As one woman in the group put it, no one who isn't or has not been through IF truly understands what we feel.  That she wants to talk about IF, with someone who understands, and she wants to talk about it all the time.  She's sad and she's pissed off and she believes she was put on this earth to be a mom.  She said everything I felt, and everyone else in the room.

There were at least 15 women at the meeting.  While it's "scheduled" to be 90 minutes, we were there for 3 hours... and apparently that's pretty standard.  It starts with some informal announcements, then it's an open opportunity for each woman to share what's going on (since the last meeting).   

There were women just starting to seek medical assistance after TTC on their own and there were women who had been trying for many, many years... and many women somewhere inbetween.  One woman was headed to Colorado the next day for her FET, several were in their 2ww, one is just about to embark on her first IVF.  A few of us have begun considering, or down the path of donor egg.  One woman had just... finally (after multiple years)... had a diagnosis that uterus is shredded (after multiple losses, D&C's) and she'll never sustain a pregnancy.

For those who know me, you know I've come to a certain acceptance, even comfort level, of being a single mom.  And as I listened and shared, I was reminded again of the advantages & disadvantages of going at this on my own.

There were stories of supportive husbands who attended appointments, gave shots and offered support unconditionally.  And there were stories of husbands who dragged their feet with every decision, who were ready to give up and felt their wives didn't think that they (the husband) were enough which is why the wives had this unrelenting drive to overcome infertility.  Women were reading the book What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting to see if their husbands actually did read the book.

A couple of the husbands, not necessarily religious, required that they consult their priest/rabbi, before making decisions about IVF, Donor Egg, Adoption.

While I would love someone to mix my vials and tell me which syringe goes with which drug, even someone who would inject me and hold me when I cry, I am thankful that I, alone, am responsible for my decisions.  I can ponder or move forward as I come to terms with things in my own time, however little or much time as it takes.

I found it enlightening when several of them mentioned how their husbands just don't want them to be in pain anymore and that they are not the same women that they married.  I can relate to that.  I'm not the same person.  Infertility changes you.  You become very much single minded, as you are your own best advocate.  You do everything you can to remain in control of an uncontrollable situation (creating charts, calendars, schedules, etc).

I know I've turned down the opportunity to be introduced to men, because I don't recognize myself... I don't have the energy to focus on someone else, especially someone who wont really know me.  I know I'm still in here somewhere... but this life of ongoing limbo, desperately wanting to move into the next phase without success, this limbo-stranger will not leave until I know my child is safely on its way.  Until I'm able to experience real JOY again.

Other Updates

Endo Biopsy:  One year ago today, Cinco de Mayo, I had my Hysteroscopy to remove my uterine polyp.  Today, I had my Endometrial Biopsy for my Endometrial Function Test (EFT).

My Mom Had Endo: When I sent my mom the video explaining the EFT, she emailed me later and said, I just realized I should tell you, I had Endometriosis.  My mom had a hysterectomy when I was quite young but I was to little to understand what was happening; I just knew that my sister and I had to stay at my Grandmothers house for several days.  How did I NOT know my mom had Endo?  How, in all of these years did I not ask her about it?

But I have no signs of Endo myself.

IVF3.0:  When AF arrives, that will be the start of my pre-IVF cycle.  I'll start Estrogen priming after ovulation.  I had thought I was going straight into Stimulation thinking I'd have the ER/ET the week before Memorial Day.  The good news is, that would have been the same week as my annual beach trip with sorority sisters.  I'm disappointed it's going to be 2 more cycles until IVF3.0, I'm happy I'll get to enjoy my beach trip.

Mothers Day:  I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna hurt.

National Infertility Awareness Week

April 24 - 30 is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).  I've been very active on Twitter this week in support of NIAW. 

For NIAW this year, Resolve has challenged the IF community to Bust A Myth about Infertility.  I've been contemplating this blog post all month, but for some reason I've been unable to sit down and write it.  I've written the post in my head, but when I try to write it, it's blank.  So be warned, I have no idea what's to come in the paragraphs ahead.

As many myths as there are about infertility, I really want to write about the Truths.

MYTH: Single women are not infertile, they just need a partner.

TRUTH: Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term after 12 months of trying to conceive.  If you are over the age of 35, the time of TTC is reduced to 6 months.  I started TTC at 38 and every cycle has been under the care of an RE.  I can't help but wonder if I had started years before if I would have struggled with infertility or not?  So many young couples experience infertility!  1 in 4 women in their late 30's and 40's will experience fertility challenges. 

MYTH: If you are infertile, do IVF, it always works.

TRUTH:  Infertility is a medical problem that can be emotionally, socially and financially crippling. IVF is unbelievably expensive with no guarantees, it does NOT work for everyone. And if the magic bullet (IVF) doesn't work, the heartbreak is extraordinary.  I've had two failed IVF's and I'm blessed with very good infertility insurance coverage.  Even with this coverage each cycle still has significant uncovered costs.  I would not be able to afford to continue treatment without my insurance coverage.  I'm one of the few lucky ones who are covered, most are not.

I had so much more to say, but I just don't feel like I'm doing the topic justice.  I'm on my second consecutive cycle with 0% chance of success (no treatments) which is simply frustrating. 

For what it's worth, I did post this week on Facebook for the first time anything related to my TTC/SMC/Infertility.  I didn't directly "come out" on Facebook, this is what I posted: 

"Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, soul crushing, life-altering experience.  April 24 - 30 is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). Whether a friend, a family member, a colleague or yourself has fought through this difficult fate that MILLIONS of people are fighting day in and day out, post this as your status if you or someone you know has walked to Hell and back for the chance to be a MOM! Visit Resolve for more information."

Anyone who has followed my blog for any period of time knows the emotional toll infertility has taken on me.  They also know, I wont give up!

One last message, if you know someone who struggles with primary infertility (the inability to conceive their first child) please be very sensitive to them with Mother's Day coming up in a week.  For me, Mother's Day is the most difficult holiday and a HUGE reminder of my pain.

For more information on NIAW visit http://www.resolve.org/takecharge or 

 http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 

A - Z of TTC (SMC/Infertility)

This is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).  If you follow me on Twitter, you know I'm tweeting all about it.  I plan to write my Bust a Myth blog post for NIAW this week, it's in very rough draft form right now.  True to the classic procrastinator I can sometimes be, I'm not ready to finish it... so look for it later this week.

In the meantime, I'm taking this format from Not Fat, Just Pregnant
and giving my A-Z list of TTC as a Single Woman diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility.

A. Age when you started TTC: 38 (after considering SMC for many years)

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Neither.  IUI & IVF

C. Children wanted: For years I always wanted one, until I started TTC, now I'd love to have two

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children:  2 dogs, two years old (a few months apart).  Rescues, Lab mixes.  Truly my babies!

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils:  Prenatals, D3 (liquid), B6, Calcium, Fish Oil 

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: (In order) Clomid, Progesterone, Ovadrel, Femara, Gonal-F, Novarel Mocrodose, Estrace, Lupron Microdose, Low dose HCG, Saizen (HGH) - ALSO, BCP's, Vicoden, Methoprednozone, Doxycycline, Daisopam, Valium, and Xanax (Xanax for the stress of TTC/BFN's)    

G. Gain: Since TTC? 12lbs, in the last 2 years 32lbs

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): All clear! The test didn't phase me a bit

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: More than I'd like to admit, but I will in my NIAW post later this week

J. Job title: Change Manager

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: I'll name my child what I want when I know what the right name is, regardless of whether or not someone else has used the name

L. Length of time TTC: 1 year (working exclusively with an RE)

M. Miscarriages: None, thank God. Praying that answer never changes. I do believe I've had 2 chemical pregnancies that went away before they could be verified.

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: Since TTC, 1 OB/GYN, 1 RE (but I see all 6 in the practice).  I have TWO second opinions scheduled in May.

O. Ovarian quality: Good for my age.

P. POAS or wait for AF: POAS.  I waited with IVF#1.  Sometimes I think if I POAS or wait it will impact the outcome, silly superstitions.  But if I didn't POAS, I wouldn't know about my two unconfirmed chemical pregnancies.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "It will happen, in time"... (unless I go broke first, or insane).  I also can't stand when women say something and then follow with "only a mother truly knows"... I feel like I've been dismissed, deemed unworthy. 

S. Sperm: On my second Open Donor (one day I'll add up exactly how much I've spent on sperm alone $$)

T. Time you tried naturally: Does 1 unmedicated IUI count?

U. Uterus quality: Assumed it's fine.  Looked good in HSG & Hysteroscopy.  Next week's Endometrial Biopsy will tell more...

V. Vagina: If it weren't for regular visits with Wandy & the Speculum, my Va-jay-jay would be quite lonely

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: I bought a used glider shortly before my first IUI and donated the bedroom furniture to Salvation Army... now I feel like I jinxed myself.  Plus, my mom volunteers for a thrift store and I have 2 crates full of goodies.  I finally had to tell her to stop until a viable pregnancy is confirmed.

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? First it was close friends, then immediate family.  After continued struggles I decided it would be less stressful to share with other friends and even work (for IVF scheduling support and reduced stress).  This week I posted on Facebook, not "coming out" but an NIAW statement.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): I had to have a pap before IVF.  The pap was late (by several months) since I had so many appointments all year spreading my legs for the masses.

Z. Zits: Occasionally.  Usually around my period.

Care to share your A - Z's of TTC?

No Cycle Shall Be Without A Purpose

Today was WTF day with Dr. T.  Let me back up...  Monday, AF arrived... only 23 days into the cycle. That's a new record, by far, for short cycles.  The cycle after IVF2.0 failed.

That should say SECOND FAILED IVF

• I didn't cry.  I did blink back tears 2 - 3 times, but I didn't cry at all... this is progress.  Or numbness. Or getting used to feeling so hurt and lost.  But I didn't cry!
• No cycle shall be without a purpose.  This is my request.  Whether it be a cycle reserved for testing, an IUI cycle or an IVF cycle, every cycle from here on should have a purpose.  Basically, if not a cycle for testing, every cycle will have greater than a 0% chance of conceiving my baby.
• My IVF2.0 embryos were GOOD!  They were superior compared to IVF1.0 embryos.  The two 'runts' that we didn't transfer were blasts at day 6 (and the 4 superstars we transferred were nearly at Morela stage on Day 3).  
• My Egg Quality. I absolutely should be able to get pregnant with my own eggs... it's just a question of how many times it would take.  Enter a comparison by my doctor to Celine Dion who had 6 IVF's before conceiving/delivering her twins with her own eggs.  Sure... because I have the same resources as Celine Dion.
• Donor Egg Options.  Dr. T knew I had met with the DE coordinator last week so the conversation started with how this would be a good choice (70% live birth rate) for the most immediate results.  I didn't post about my DE Coordinator meeting yet, the waiting list is approximately six months.  Bottom line, I'll get on the list as I digest the idea while I continue to move forward with my own eggs.
• Donor Embryos.  Dr. T also recommended looking into donor embryos, as there are good success rates and it's significantly less expensive.  My clinic does not have a donor egg program at this time but we talked about clinics that do.
• My Uterus.  One of my biggest questions is about ruling out any potential problems with my uterus.  At this stage (6 IUI's and 2 IVF's), Dr. T agreed it's time to investigate potential problems with my uterus.  An endometrial biopsy is in order.

Next Steps:

• Endometrial Biopsy this cycle.  I started Femara tonight, CD3.  We will use this cycle for the testing.  It will be minimal hormones, and a procedure to take a small sample from my uterus around 10 days after Ovulation.  It will be around 10 days to have the results.  I have more research to do about this process, I'm sure it will be the subject of another blog post.
• IVF3.0 Immediately following this cycle.  In the interest of my determination that every cycle has a purpose, we'll go immediately into an IVF cycle after this 'testing' cycle.
• Backup IUI cycle.  Should IVF3.0 fail, rather than taking a month off, I'll go into an IUI cycle.  The reason for the time off is that my RE goes by the practice of having 3 months between retrievals... so if I'm not stimulating or suppressing for a purpose, I'll have an IUI.

These are the highlights.

Short End of the Stick

This is a random thought that hit me on the acupuncture table today... which is odd because I rarely have negative thoughts in my state of relaxation.

How is it I drew the short end of the stick in life?  As a little girl, I never dreamed of my career, of being a rising executive at a major financial institution.  Big whoop!  Really??

I dreamed of having a child...  when I was 7, 8, 9, 10... somewhere around that age, I would pray every night that my baby doll, Olivia, would be a real baby when I woke in the morning.  I wanted to be a real mommy.

In my teen years and all through my 20's I dreamed of a true love, a man who would become my husband and the father of my children.

I watch my 40th birthday get closer and closer... August this year.  I've come to terms with not finding my true love (at least not one who could settle down and marry me)...

But seriously??? What Karma God did I p'off to do everything to keep me from my dream of being a mom, too?  Take my man but don't keep me from my child!!!

I AM NOT GIVING UP!!!

******
I know there is much greater suffering in life than mine, and that I am truly blessed in so many ways.  This is just one of those thoughts that it's hard to wrap my head around.

Planning

Research on Donor Eggs
Yesterday I made an appointment to talk to the DE coordinator at my RE office, along with the Finance coordinator.  The appointment is April 8th.  For me, this is just initial information, not a decision.

WTF Appointment Planning
My WTF appointment with Dr. T is on April 13.  I have questions in my head and I need to start writing them down.  Here are a few... just to get them written down:

• What happened this time?
• The embryos were moving into the Morela stage on Day 3 at transfer, given this is there really possibly a problem with the quality of my eggs (embryos)?
• If we were to do IVF again (using my own eggs), what would we do differently?  How can we get more of my own eggs?

I have questionably had two brief chemical pregnancies (IUI #6 and IVF #2), meaning a positive HPT (not a trigger false positive), then negative HPT and negative Betas...

• How do we know the problem is not with my uterus, an inability to support implantation/growth?
• What testing can we do to feel confident the problem is not with my uterus, especially if I decide to use donor eggs $$$?

Second Opinion
While I love Dr. T I do think it's time to get an opinion from someone else.  It doesn't have to be someone local... so I actually have no clue who to schedule a second opinion with...  I've not done much research on this topic.

This is when I wish I had someone to share the burden with, someone to tell me where to go, what to do...  or just to have someone as invested in this as I am to talk through it with.

Business Travel
It's going to be a crazy week, heading out West Monday for a packed schedule of work meetings and "team building" events...  I am NOT looking forward to the socializing with people I barely know as the questions:  Are you married?  Do you have kids?  are always asked (over and over given there will be 50 or so collegues around over the course of the week).  I really had hoped I would be trying to schedule my first ultrasound around my travel schedule...

Any ideas on clever responses (that are also politically correct, given these are business contacts)?  My new response (to those who know my IF struggles) is that I gave this company my best fertile years.  Probably not the best response when talking with casual acquaintances.

Personal Travel
I get home Thursday night and get back on a plane Friday to head to see the family in Florida, for a mini reunion.  I'm looking forward to seeing my family and catching up with a couple of friends.  Then back home Monday afternoon.

My dogs are sitting on either side of me at this moment but I miss them already... I hate leaving them for a week!

Weight Watchers
I decided against the 'extreme' diet due to all of the unknown implications to my TTC efforts.  I really just wanted to see fast results based on my efforts, given I've not seen results from all of my TTC efforts over the last year.  But instead I signed up for Weight Watchers.

Slow & Steady Wins the Race, right?  If it doesn't, then I know my heart will never recover...

(I searched Google Images for a Broken Heart image... my favorite actually came from SIF's blog.)