National Infertility Awareness Week

April 24 - 30 is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).  I've been very active on Twitter this week in support of NIAW. 

For NIAW this year, Resolve has challenged the IF community to Bust A Myth about Infertility.  I've been contemplating this blog post all month, but for some reason I've been unable to sit down and write it.  I've written the post in my head, but when I try to write it, it's blank.  So be warned, I have no idea what's to come in the paragraphs ahead.

As many myths as there are about infertility, I really want to write about the Truths.

MYTH: Single women are not infertile, they just need a partner.

TRUTH: Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term after 12 months of trying to conceive.  If you are over the age of 35, the time of TTC is reduced to 6 months.  I started TTC at 38 and every cycle has been under the care of an RE.  I can't help but wonder if I had started years before if I would have struggled with infertility or not?  So many young couples experience infertility!  1 in 4 women in their late 30's and 40's will experience fertility challenges. 

MYTH: If you are infertile, do IVF, it always works.

TRUTH:  Infertility is a medical problem that can be emotionally, socially and financially crippling. IVF is unbelievably expensive with no guarantees, it does NOT work for everyone. And if the magic bullet (IVF) doesn't work, the heartbreak is extraordinary.  I've had two failed IVF's and I'm blessed with very good infertility insurance coverage.  Even with this coverage each cycle still has significant uncovered costs.  I would not be able to afford to continue treatment without my insurance coverage.  I'm one of the few lucky ones who are covered, most are not.

I had so much more to say, but I just don't feel like I'm doing the topic justice.  I'm on my second consecutive cycle with 0% chance of success (no treatments) which is simply frustrating. 

For what it's worth, I did post this week on Facebook for the first time anything related to my TTC/SMC/Infertility.  I didn't directly "come out" on Facebook, this is what I posted: 

"Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, soul crushing, life-altering experience.  April 24 - 30 is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). Whether a friend, a family member, a colleague or yourself has fought through this difficult fate that MILLIONS of people are fighting day in and day out, post this as your status if you or someone you know has walked to Hell and back for the chance to be a MOM! Visit Resolve for more information."

Anyone who has followed my blog for any period of time knows the emotional toll infertility has taken on me.  They also know, I wont give up!

One last message, if you know someone who struggles with primary infertility (the inability to conceive their first child) please be very sensitive to them with Mother's Day coming up in a week.  For me, Mother's Day is the most difficult holiday and a HUGE reminder of my pain.

For more information on NIAW visit http://www.resolve.org/takecharge or 

 http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 

WTF Appointment Prep

I know, I know, I've been MIA.  It's the middle of January and I've not posted YET this year.  Well, here I go...

First, thank you for all of your encouragement and support from my dark day.  All of your comments were wonderful and well received; some of you were very perceptive as well.  I've been wanting to post since then to let everyone know that I've been better (it was a bad day) but I have not had the words after exposing myself so fully... and then my laptop crashed (fixed today).  Those who follow me on Twitter have the privy of knowing things are improving and that day was just my "crash" after my failed IVF on top of 6 failed IUI's, coming off of 8 months of hormones, the holidays and going into the new year where I will turn 40!

I did start seeing the IF shrink again and have started taking Xanax 3x's a day... WOW... it takes the edge off the terrible anxiety I was feeling AND I sleep well at night without any other drugs!

My WTF appointment with my RE is on Monday (yes my fertile friends who follow my blog, WTF means what you think it means).  I've not spent too much time prepping for it.  What do I ask?

• What have you learned about my ability to conceive after 6 IUI's and 1 IVF?

• What are the leading causes of my inability to conceive?  How do we address this?

• What could have been done to improve the number/quality of eggs/embryos from my IVF?  

• Will I be able to have a child with my own eggs?

• When can I do another IVF?  What will we do differently?  What are my chances for success?

What should I add to the list?  Will Dr. T have the answers?

It's not been a full month since my IVF BFN but this break has seemed to last an eternity.  I've actually enjoyed not counting my cycle days, no injections or suppositories (no alarm going off multiple times daily to remind me to medicate).  But I don't enjoy knowing it's a month where I've "wasted" an egg and I have no chance at pregnancy.

Sorry friends, for being a bad blogger.  I think the lack of blogging goes along with the TTC break.  I'm hoping my break will end next week (AF is due a few days after the WTF appointment).

Injustice

When I started this journey, and my blog, my focus was becoming a SMC (single mom by choice).  I never dreamed I would be an INFERTILE SMC... but here I am!

I'm not the kind of infertile woman that gets upset when hearing another woman's news about getting pregnant.  Announcements on Facebook do not send me into a tailspin and I believe I am truly happy for my friends who do get pregnant and have babies.  I actually love hearing about what they are going through and seeing their pictures.  

Some may think I don't have the bitterness of an infertile because I've "only" been TTC for 6 (now 7) cycles, six perfectly timed, doctor assisted cycles. The only reason I've been TTC such a "short" amount of time (although seemingly a lifetime) is because I waited so, so, so many years to find the right man to TTC with...  I have spent plenty of Mothers Day's blinking back tears, hiding sadness from my family over Thanksgiving and Christmas, wanting a family of my own.  

And as I said before, after years of thinking, in 2009 I was ready to TTC  SMC style.  Unfortunately, a layoff for the first (and hopefully last) time in my life impacted my financial and emotional ability to move forward with those plans.  

Finally, this past Spring, things were back in place (enough) to move forward with TTC.  But I digress from the purpose of this post...  

I am truly happy for my fellow pregnant and mommy bloggers, many who got their BFP's in my last cycle!  It gives me hope and I enjoy reading their stories, how they evolve from trying to being pregnant, preparing to be a mommy.  I dream of the day I'll have my BFP and healthy pregnancy, moving from "trying" to "being" a mommy.  I can't wait to share the news with my extended family and make my own Facebook announcement!  And I know when it's my turn, others in our TTC & infertile circle will be genuinely happy for me!

So what does bother me?  The Duggars ("19 Kids and Counting").  I do get jealous (or a bit angry) when people continue to procreate just because they can.  19 kids...  and maybe more?  Is that responsible parenting?  I can't answer that but it sure kicks an infertile in her reproductively challenged ovaries!!!

This statement from a spot on the Today Show really irritates me: "the Duggars vowed to put their faith in God and have as many children as they could be blessed with".

That rubs me especially raw today due to Paige's recent condemnation by her preacher.  I find his words so completely irresponsible and utterly disturbing.  I've not been able to get this out of my head since reading her post last night.  He not only condemned SMC's but all infertiles!!!  I wonder how many IVF babies he has baptized and never known how they were conceived (because there were two parents)?  I can only imagine he would welcome a family into his church like the Duggars as Saints.

I am so disappointed that Paige had to experience this and simply don't have the right words to express what I want to about it.  However I am so proud of how Paige handled the situation, with true class and dignity.  And as terrible as his words were, I am so comforted with the amount support she has received from the community.  

Seven Things (Virtual Blogger Award)

Finally... my response to the Versitle Blogger Award.  

I don't deserve the award given the long delay in putting my response together. I'm trying to figure out why I was having trouble making myself put this post together? Other than receiving the nod during my 5th BFN something has been holding me back... I'm not quite sure still what has been holding me back, but here goes.

Here are the rules:

• Thank and link back to the person nice enough to give you the award
• Share seven things about yourself
• Pass the award along to seven other bloggers who you think are fabulous
• Contact the bloggers you chose and let them know about the award

First, a thank you to all of the nods that came my way. I am afraid I didn't capture everyone who gave me a shout-out... and for this I am sorry. I was not tracking and figured that I would go back and reread those blogs... now so much time has past I'm sure I'll be leaving someone out... but here goes: THANKS GOES TO...  

• Shannon @ Chasing Rainbows,  who I met through a group of SMC's "in real life", before we connected in the blogsphere 
• Faith @ Exploring My Options  who I feel like I've known a long time... and my youngest dog's namesake
• Jay @ Stork Stalking - scientist, bookworm, excellent blogger and got her first (great) beta today Congrats Jay
• Nell @ Skating on the Edge of Madness  a teacher who I love to read because she does a great job of expressing the experience of SMC TTC
• Baby Chase Project - who just finished her 2ww with a bit of a cruel tease, unfortunately not the desired result.  I'm so sorry, TTC is such an emotional rollercoaster  
• One additional 'nod' to misconceived who reminded me that people did want to read about my 'seven things'.

Seven things about me...

1.  I'm an introverted extrovert.  My friends would disagree with this statement but I do have to know someone well, feel comfortable and accepted in order to open up and be myself.  I'm simply not good at small talk so that sometimes makes me come across as quiet or unsociable.

2.  I'm actually allergic to shellfish but never liked it or seafood. 

3.  I'm a reformed workaholic.  My average work week used to be 60+ hours (which explains the 39 and never married, I threw myself into my work).  Things changed when I got laid off last year... it was a very difficult lesson but I have come out on the other side no longer interested in ladder climbing or title chasing.  I'm STILL learning what to do with all of this additional time now that I don't work 24/7.

4.  I'm a reformed careless spender.  This goes hand-in-hand with the layoff mentioned above.  For so many years I would buy something when I wanted it, always pay full price and never blink.  I had a boat!  Now I enjoy consignment stores, clip coupons, buy in bulk or I just don't buy at all.

5.  My house is FAR too big for a single woman, this goes along with the careless spending.  My house is great, in a fabulous neighborhood but it's 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 2800 square feet with a mortgage that now, in my reformed ways, makes me uncomfortable.  I would love to downsize but obviously we all know the state of the real estate market...

6.  I grew up in South Florida... my entire family is still there, along with a couple of close friends. I'd love to be near my family again but just can't imagine living in that heat/humidity again; if it were not for the climate, I'd be back there.

7.  I am so scared.  After six IUI tries, five failed, one unknown yet.  IVF is not a sure thing.  How much money do I spend TTC?  How much emotion and heartbreak do I allow?  TTC puts me in this place I have labeled 'Mid-Life Limbo' where I'm in a constant state of waiting, not really moving forward, but waiting to do so.  I'm not prepared for this not to work, I'm not prepared if being a mom is not in God's plan for my life.

As mentioned by several in our SMC blog community, I believe we have passed this award around to each other quite a bit.  Going with their theme, I'm not going to recycle the award back through the community.

Call me Crazy... and hopeful

It turns out the dogs did not get their day at the park on Sunday... I kept getting emotional so I never actually left the house...  but you all were right, based on your comments... I needed to cry it out.  And cry it out I did!!!   Your feedback was so therapeutic... even though it did make me cry even more at the time...  your support was key to my healing.

Monday, I felt much better.  I wasn't happy that I just experienced another BFN... but I felt I had done my grieving for the cycle and hit acceptance.

I felt the same way when I got up this morning.  But as any long-term TTC-er will do, until AF arrives, you must POAS.  This morning I did POAS first thing.  And when I saw the white space with the single line I dismissed it without the typical over-analyzation of the 2ww....  I had already stopped my progesterone supplements and notified the nurse on Monday about my BFN.

So during my 8:30 conference call, I pick up the stick...  suddenly, I realized (while on Mute) that there is something resembling a second line... something more than I've seen in all of these months of HPT testing.  It was faint... very faint.  I walked out to my backyard where the sunlight was streaming to verify whether I was actually seeing something...  I think I do...  it certainly looks like there could be something that looks like a line, at a certain angle, in good sunlight...

I grab my last digital test and go back to the bathroom where the cup still sits (I don't actually POAS... I use little disposable shot glass size cups).  While I wait for the digital HPT to process... I start to worry since I didn't take my progesterone yesterday.  If I actually am pregnant... then I need my progesterone... but if I'm not pregnant... I don't want to take the progesterone and delay my cycle further .  

And still, while I'm waiting for the digital HPT to process, I looked at the stick again in the sunlight... and still think I might see something...  so I decided that it didn't matter what the digital said... I needed a Beta (bloodwork) to know for sure.  

The digital processed a... BFN.  I still picked up my cell phone and left the nurse a message that I wanted a bloodtest to verify whether or not I'm pregnant.  

So be it... blood drawn... I'm either pregnant or crazy...

The nurse called, the blood test was negative.  Insanity confirmed!

I knew with the whole swirl of the morning that it was a long shot and it could be my eyes/mind playing tricks on me...  AND IT WAS...  but the HOPE I felt, I have not felt that kind of hope in a long time... not since before the first or second BFN.  It felt good!  It felt REAL.  It was the closest to feeling like it WILL happen for me that I've felt in so long...

I didn't have to mourn the confirmed BFN today...  while I would have been thrilled if I were pregnant... the feeling of true hope... I can't explain how good it felt!

So while I'm about to start my 6th IUI cycle (AF started her visit late today)... I went ahead and scheduled an IVF consult with my doctor for Nov 2... which should be right around the end of my 6th 2ww...  but I don't want to wait until a 6th BFN to be confirmed to schedule the appointment for IVF consultation...  because at that point it would be January before I could start an IVF cycle...  this way... my November cycle will be the start of my IVF cycle (if need be).

Sorry for the long play-by-play, my friends.  Just sharing.

It's a SMC TTC Kind of Day

Monday is the "sit down" I scheduled back with Dr. T back on the day I posted my rant Doctor Who? 

Of course, as I've mentioned in past blog posts, I have calmed down since then and my attitude is much better AND Dr. T was there to perform my IUI#3 last cycle.  

Today I have spent the day primarily focused on TTC activities.  I have been documenting the details of each cycle but I had not put them on a chart... Now everything is on charts.

Dr. T has not been happy with my donor counts since IUI#1 and recommended I find a new cryobank and donor Swimmers.  This morning I downloaded all of the forms necessary to order Swimmers.  I also took my previously narrowed down list of 12 to 6 and then to 2 (and "only" spending $190 on the "extras" to narrow it down).  I'm happy with either of the final two.  I hope they have good numbers... how do you know until they crack the vial just before the IUI?!?

Funny, picking the Swimmers the second time around was much easier.  I guess I learned from my first experience.  What's most important to me, after narrowing down by high level physical features (i.e. ethnicity), is medical history.  One of my favorite bloggers going through her second donor search did a blog on How to Choose a Sperm Donor just this week.

Next I need to write out my questions for my doctor...  Other than questions about 1) IUI timing, amount & progesterone levels,  and 2)  when do we need to get more aggressive/switch things up?  Anyone have input to other questions I should be asking???

  

I'm not a Doctor but I play one while TTC

I'm continuing to learn that when it comes to TTC, just like my career and all other aspects of life, no one looks out for your best interests better than YOU.  

I would have loved to become a doctor except I knew there was no way I could get past the blood, needles and knives part of the job description.  Now I'm one of those women who researches, researches, RESEARCHES!  Doctors must LOVE my kind...

I love my doctor and her nursing team.  She has gotten several women I know pregnant (a few in the first try) using the same method I'm going through.  She has been at this for 30 years, I've only been at this for 2 months...

I have been concerned about whether I am receiving treatment that is truly personalized to my body and cycle, or if that comes later once it takes X amount of times without conception.

A friend who is T42 - the "old fashioned way" recently learned that she has a Luteal Phase defect.  She ovulates late, has a short Luteal phase with low progesterone.

We already know that I have a shorter than normal cycle (26 days) and the last two months I've ovulated late (IUI day 15 last month, day 16 this month).  

My doctor uses progesterone level to determine the timing for the IUI.  However I am not on any post-IUI progesterone supplementation and my progesterone has not been tested during my luteal (post-ovulation) phase.  I've had this nagging feeling that my progesterone may not be high enough to support implantation.    I talked to my Mom about my concerns over the weekend and we agreed that if a simple blood test can put my mind at ease, then that's what I should do... I mean, I have become a human pin cushion the last several months, what's one more prick at my request?

Today I called the nurse and told her I need my progesterone tested to ease my nagging concerns.  She said that's fine and I'm going in tomorrow.  She said that testing Luteal progesterone is an 'eventual' test/diagnosis they go through.  I don't think that statement came across right to me.... my first thought is that while I appreciate a good 'process', this month's TTC cycle will cost me approximately $2000 (thanks to the use of the second vial, meds, ultrasounds, bloodwork several times, etc.).  

I'll happily take a $90 blood test to determine if I need a supplement to help with implantation and SUCCESS!