I'm Sorry, Life is So Unfair

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, life is so unfair.

These are the best words of support you can offer to a friend who is struggling with infertility.  Especially if...

• you don't know what to say or how to support your infertile friend
• you have a child of your own
• you have never struggled with infertility
• you have been drinking heavily ALL day!

WHAT NOT TO SAY under any of these circumstances (and many, many unnamed circumstances as well)...

• she needs to take a break for a while and get back to the person you remember her to be (because somehow the months in-between March 2011's IVF2.0 and hopefully July's IVF3.0 is not actually a break?)
• she should take a break and lose weight
• tell her she doesn't have any idea how hard pregnancy is and how crazy pregnancy makes a woman (even though she's been swallowing, injecting and inserting thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of hormones over the last year)
• you didn't know how to respond to the information she was sharing about the second opinion consult she had that morning (the appointment she waited 6 weeks to have, even though she had to take the call from the beach trip) so you kept asking questions about using Facebook during her debrief with the other girls who actually wanted to know what the doctor had just said
• she shouldn't refer to the spare room in her house as the "one-day nursery" because SHE DOESN'T HAVE A BABY or a NURSERY, it's just a ROOM
• she should stop trying and it will happen (hello, you know I'm single - plus this happens in 5% of the cases of infertile women... that means 95% of the time, an infertile doesn't get pregnant when you 'stop trying'.)

While you may INTEND for this conversation to be supportive and well-meaning out of concern for your infertile friend, it's not.  Instead, what you have done is...

• broken your infertile friend's heart
• made your infertile friend feel more alone than she's ever felt before 
• made your infertile friend decide she will no longer talk about her infertility with you and other close friends, she will now elect to suffer in silence (other than her online & IRL infertility support groups)
• made your infertile friend not want to spend time with you (which is difficult since you are currently sharing a room on vacation)
• made your infertile friend need a second Xana.x in the middle of the night in order to sleep
• made your infertile friend debate whether she can even write about this on her blog since you have access to the link, although she doesn't think you actually read it (this blog is my safe place and how I process things, especially for support of those who may understand)
• made your infertile friend have doubts about being able to continue with our annual beach trip tradition
• made your infertile friend FEEL GUILTY for her hurt feelings because she knows that your intention behind your comments was well-meaning even though the comments hurt her to the core

The struggle of infertility is a tremendous hardship financially, physically and emotionally.  If you have not been through this type of struggle, please keep your "well-meaning" comments to yourself.  

The best way I can describe a fleeting moment of how an infertile feels to a fertile person...

1. Think about your children
2. Now think about a time before you had your children
3. Now imagine someone has told you that you will never have your children, they will not exist
4. Think about that fleeting moment of fear and your stomach sinking... wouldn't you go to the ends of the earth to get to your children?

An infertile knows their child is meant to be... and she is doing whatever it takes to get to her child!

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, life is so unfair.

Injustice

When I started this journey, and my blog, my focus was becoming a SMC (single mom by choice).  I never dreamed I would be an INFERTILE SMC... but here I am!

I'm not the kind of infertile woman that gets upset when hearing another woman's news about getting pregnant.  Announcements on Facebook do not send me into a tailspin and I believe I am truly happy for my friends who do get pregnant and have babies.  I actually love hearing about what they are going through and seeing their pictures.  

Some may think I don't have the bitterness of an infertile because I've "only" been TTC for 6 (now 7) cycles, six perfectly timed, doctor assisted cycles. The only reason I've been TTC such a "short" amount of time (although seemingly a lifetime) is because I waited so, so, so many years to find the right man to TTC with...  I have spent plenty of Mothers Day's blinking back tears, hiding sadness from my family over Thanksgiving and Christmas, wanting a family of my own.  

And as I said before, after years of thinking, in 2009 I was ready to TTC  SMC style.  Unfortunately, a layoff for the first (and hopefully last) time in my life impacted my financial and emotional ability to move forward with those plans.  

Finally, this past Spring, things were back in place (enough) to move forward with TTC.  But I digress from the purpose of this post...  

I am truly happy for my fellow pregnant and mommy bloggers, many who got their BFP's in my last cycle!  It gives me hope and I enjoy reading their stories, how they evolve from trying to being pregnant, preparing to be a mommy.  I dream of the day I'll have my BFP and healthy pregnancy, moving from "trying" to "being" a mommy.  I can't wait to share the news with my extended family and make my own Facebook announcement!  And I know when it's my turn, others in our TTC & infertile circle will be genuinely happy for me!

So what does bother me?  The Duggars ("19 Kids and Counting").  I do get jealous (or a bit angry) when people continue to procreate just because they can.  19 kids...  and maybe more?  Is that responsible parenting?  I can't answer that but it sure kicks an infertile in her reproductively challenged ovaries!!!

This statement from a spot on the Today Show really irritates me: "the Duggars vowed to put their faith in God and have as many children as they could be blessed with".

That rubs me especially raw today due to Paige's recent condemnation by her preacher.  I find his words so completely irresponsible and utterly disturbing.  I've not been able to get this out of my head since reading her post last night.  He not only condemned SMC's but all infertiles!!!  I wonder how many IVF babies he has baptized and never known how they were conceived (because there were two parents)?  I can only imagine he would welcome a family into his church like the Duggars as Saints.

I am so disappointed that Paige had to experience this and simply don't have the right words to express what I want to about it.  However I am so proud of how Paige handled the situation, with true class and dignity.  And as terrible as his words were, I am so comforted with the amount support she has received from the community.