Saturday, July 31, 2010

IUI #3

The Good News!
  • I ovulated naturally (drug-free cycle)!!!
  • My IUI progesterone was 1.6 
    • Doctor likes it to be 1.5ish so it was right there in range
  • The IUI was on Thursday, July 29
    • Is it ironic that this day was my last long-term boyfriend's birthday?  One of the biggest factors in ending things was that although I wanted a child but I couldn't imagine it would be a good thing to have a child with him. 
  • Donor Swimmers were 11MM strong
    • Not the greatest number but not bad... it only takes ONE
  • My doctor was in the office, she did my IUI!
    • I went in the day before for bloodwork and I would not have seen her if my IUI was that day
  • I have my progesterone supplements and will start them at the RIGHT time this cycle
    • Last month (first time on progesterone) I didn't start until 8 1/2 dpiui
  • My Beta date is Tuesday, August 10
    • I turn 39 on the 7th so the ongoing debate will be....  do I test on my birthday or not?

The Other News...
My doctor is concerned with my donor's counts and recommended I consider finding another.  I've been thinking about this anyway.  This was my last vial from my original order so it's a good time to switch things up (if this cycle doesn't take).  While my original Swimmer Picker Party was a BLAST, I've had some regrets that I made the choice so public with my (close) friends.  This will give me the opportunity to use what I've learned and quietly make my own selection; no one else will know the details.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

The O Wait

Now into my third cycle TTC, I can definitely say that the period between AF and Ovulation is the most boring part of the cycle.  There's nothing going on, you KNOW there is not a chance you could be pregnant, and you don't really do anything... until CD10 when you start peeing on a stick.  

I find that I blog little to none (although I still read other blogs) during the O wait.  It is refreshing because I don't think about TTC all of the time during the O wait... I think about it MUCH MUCH LESS than during the actual 2WW.  

I'm excited to spend the next couple of days with my oldest friend in the world (not in age).  Our mom's were pregnant with us at the same time (R is two months older) and lived one house apart.  We grew up one house apart and, to this day, our parents still live in those same houses.  

R is coming up from Florida for a relaxing weekend, we go for massages later this afternoon.  

Change of subject:

By the way... Since I couldn't talk to my doctor I decided to do this cycle unmedicated.  Once I POAS and it shows Ovulation, I'll go in for bloodwork and hopefully my IUI.  I will still need a progesterone supplement during the 2WW but no Clomid or Trigger shot this month.  I'm not necessarily confident that this is the best approach but since I couldn't ask my doctor and I wanted to try unmedicated, here I am.  I still have hope this cycle will be successful - I'm just not banking on it.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Doctor Who???

I like my RE.  I love her nursing team.  I like the RE practice she's a part of.   I LOVE that in their practice only RE's do procedures, such as IUI's, rather than deferring to their nurses.  I LOVE her 30 years of experience and the fact that she's made it possible for countless children to be part of our world.  I enjoy the time I spend with her and appreciate her knowledge and guidance.

This is why I have strong feelings of guilt for feeling disappointed.  And it nags at me that it must be bad karma to feel frustrated.    But as hormonal as I am (and I know I am) I also know that I am justified in these feelings.  

AF arrived today.  Not a surprise and I was happy to see her come since I knew IUI#2 was not successful.  As necessary, I checked in by voicemail with her nursing team to let them know I started today and asked if I would see her Friday when I come in for my bloodwork & ultrasound; if not I'd like to have a few minutes with her (even by phone) to discuss what we have learned over the last two attempts.

The message back (unfortunately I was in a meeting) was to come in Friday, my doctor would not be available and I can sit down with her August 16th.  AUGUST 16!!!  

Now, I've only been TTC for two cycles, starting my third now.  In the two cycles, besides the countless days I have gone in for bloodwork, I have seen A doctor 6 times (ultrasounds & IUI's); I have seen MY doctor ONCE out of those six times; that was my first IUI on 6/3.  

I called back and left the nurse a message to book the appointment on August 16th but then listed out the questions I have (telling her since I'm paying out of pocket 100% I'd like to ensure whether one small tweak might make a difference):
  •   I've only done medicated (Clomid & Ovadrel Trigger) cycles, what about unmedicated?
  •   Since my progesterone is low, could the IUI's have been timed too late by waiting for a certain progesterone level before performing the IUI?

Afterwards, I had to walk away from my desk, from the office for 15 minutes because I was feeling so frustrated (and this is the polite word for how I was feeling).  If I didn't give into the anger, it would be tears.  I took a walk and was able to finish my day.

I missed the return call (poor cell service in my office) but saw the voicemail pop up from the clinic...  I couldn't bring myself to listen to the message while at work.  I had to finish my day, I had errands to run.  At 8:30 this evening I finally listened to the message (5 hours later).  Well, that (as I feared) just brought me to tears.

The message was that... perhaps it's best if I take this month off.  That way when my appointment with my doctor comes up I'm "early" in my next cycle.  -by the time August 16th comes I'll be 6 - 8 days into my next cycle.  I don't want to take a month off; I want to have a 10 minute conversation with my doctor!

I don't want to be angry, frustrated or disappointed with my doctor... I just want to talk to her about what we've learned over the last two months and what slight tweak in approach may bring about different results.  

I had hit acceptance with my failed second cycle until this came up, now I'm sad again.  I'm not typically a sad person... I don't like this feeling.

Monday, July 12, 2010

No News is Not Good News

For the few friends and my sister who I am keeping up to date on TTC, they get it.  My mom, on the other hand, I've had to explain that no news is NOT good news, so if there is no news, please don't ask (or at least wait a day or two).  

Getting a BFN first thing in the morning when I have to get ready for a Monday at the office is enough to deal with, or repress...  the only call I'm going to make is to the clinic to report in and request instructions.  Then I'm going to put it out of my head so I can make it though the day.  

If it was a BFP...  I'd be calling and texting everyone in the loop.  I'd gladly be late to work and dancing on air.  If it's a BFP, my sharing is not going to be an issue... you wont have to wait to hear from me, you will hear!

The return call from the nurse came while at the office during a meeting.  I stepped away long enough to answer and be instructed to stop the progesterone (already taken today so I'll stop tomorrow) and call when AF arrives, or by Friday if AF  has not arrived.  Walking back to my desk I couldn't give in to the thoughts in my head because the tears would follow.... and in my open work environment - that can't happen.

So I'll stop the progestrone tomorrow... but of course I'll still test until AF arrives... holding out that last bit of hope.  But everything indicates a second cycle failure.

I thought that maybe (since this month is a bust) I'm supposed to get a 39th birthday present (Aug 7)... but I just calculated the dates and since my period is late this month it would be a LATE birthday present... which makes for a stressful birthday.

Now that I'm home from work, the trash & recycling are at the curb, the dogs have been fed and I have a glass of wine (why not?) I can let myself feel sad for the loss of this try. [tear sliding down my left cheek]

Friday, July 9, 2010


Last month I found the most difficult part of the 2ww to be the last few days.  That's where I'll be this weekend... the last few days. 

It's also true that there is no right or wrong way to get through this time, these sometimes seemingly endless days.

Last month I waited as long as possible to take a HPT; when I finally tested I had to deal all day with the disappointment of a BFN.  Aunt Flo arrived the next day.

This time around I've been doing early testing... I think it's helping with my sanity because I know it's too early to get a BFP so I'm not (very) let down when nothing shows up.  If I stick to my very regular schedule, AF would arrive Sunday (again, my shorter than average cycle); the date the doctor told me to test is Monday.  I bought a bunch of the very cheap HPTs on so I've actually been testing since Tuesday (7dpiui).  

Up until this morning I was resigned to this cycle being a bust; and then this morning I tested.  Did I see a shadow where the line is supposed to be today?  I really don't know.  It was in no way a line, nothing was there... but there seemed to be a shadow...  wishful thinking?  Time will tell.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I'm Glad I Asked!

Let this be a lesson to anyone reading who is TTC....  ask for what you need!

The result of my progesterone test today was 11.5; the nurse stated it's a "little low" (the doctor likes to see it over 15).  I have started a supplement called Crinone, once a day (thanks for the feedback on the best supplement, Shannon, it helped me make the decision easy).  

Mom wanted to know what the progesterone means, here's what I told her:  

The insert says:  The progesterone will help prepare the lining of your uterus so that it is ready to receive and nourish a fertilized egg.  If pregnancy occurs, the suppliment may be used for 10 - 12 weeks until production of progesterone by the placenta is adequate.

Now to continue with the wonderful 2ww.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I'm not a Doctor but I play one while TTC

I'm continuing to learn that when it comes to TTC, just like my career and all other aspects of life, no one looks out for your best interests better than YOU.  

I would have loved to become a doctor except I knew there was no way I could get past the blood, needles and knives part of the job description.  Now I'm one of those women who researches, researches, RESEARCHES!  Doctors must LOVE my kind...

I love my doctor and her nursing team.  She has gotten several women I know pregnant (a few in the first try) using the same method I'm going through.  She has been at this for 30 years, I've only been at this for 2 months...

I have been concerned about whether I am receiving treatment that is truly personalized to my body and cycle, or if that comes later once it takes X amount of times without conception.

A friend who is T42 - the "old fashioned way" recently learned that she has a Luteal Phase defect.  She ovulates late, has a short Luteal phase with low progesterone.

We already know that I have a shorter than normal cycle (26 days) and the last two months I've ovulated late (IUI day 15 last month, day 16 this month).  

My doctor uses progesterone level to determine the timing for the IUI.  However I am not on any post-IUI progesterone supplementation and my progesterone has not been tested during my luteal (post-ovulation) phase.  I've had this nagging feeling that my progesterone may not be high enough to support implantation.    I talked to my Mom about my concerns over the weekend and we agreed that if a simple blood test can put my mind at ease, then that's what I should do... I mean, I have become a human pin cushion the last several months, what's one more prick at my request?

Today I called the nurse and told her I need my progesterone tested to ease my nagging concerns.  She said that's fine and I'm going in tomorrow.  She said that testing Luteal progesterone is an 'eventual' test/diagnosis they go through.  I don't think that statement came across right to me.... my first thought is that while I appreciate a good 'process', this month's TTC cycle will cost me approximately $2000 (thanks to the use of the second vial, meds, ultrasounds, bloodwork several times, etc.).  

I'll happily take a $90 blood test to determine if I need a supplement to help with implantation and SUCCESS!

Monday, July 5, 2010

I'm a single mother ... by choice -

Sharing a first person article written by a SMC who works for the local paper. It's worth the read. Support Leigh with your comments!

I'm a single mother ... by choice -

Ode to my Ovaries (and Uterus)

This came to me while I was lying on the table, feet in the stirrups for my IUI.

For nearly 27 years (yikes, that's 324 months) you have been loyally working month after month.  I have taken you for granted, hated and cursed you time and time again.  

Over and over you prepare to do your job in anticipation that this will be the month I allow you to fulfill your destiny.  Instead, month after month, year after year I have intentionally created barriers, never allowing you to finish the work.  

Faithfully, you start over again.  

You have played the role of Understudy waiting for your big break.  You rehearse again and again, you know every step just waiting for the month you get called upon to play the lead role.

It's your turn, my faithful friend.  You are the STAR of the show!  The supporting cast has been sent in to allow you to SHINE and finish your job as you have been waiting so patiently to do.  Pick your favorite dance partner and get comfortable for a 40 week engagement - our chance of a LIFETIME!

Silly...  I know.  But I figured someone out there might get a kick out of it.  It just came to me at that time how much I have taken my cycle for granted up until this point in my life, and now I'm so aware of every day of my cycle.  

I had baseball references too (minor league, getting called up, at bat, home run, etc).