Spotting

I started spotting about 30 minutes ago.  I've been taking progesterone suppositories since IUI#2 and I've always had to stop the progesterone for a day or two before AF would arrive.  Since I'm still on the progesterone I can only suspect that the spotting has something to do with the embie.

I left a message for the nurse to request a beta tomorrow... I want my RE to know that I DID get pregnant so we can work on how to STAY pregnant.

I'm not looking forward to all of the trick or treaters coming to my door shortly.  I'd prefer to start my cry now... but it will have to wait.  We get a TON of trick-or-treaters in my neighborhood... and I'm going to put on a brave face until it's time to turn out the front porch light.

BF????

Yesterday (11dpiui) I took two HPTs... the first one (from earlypregnancytests.com) was first thing in the morning.  Initially it looked like all others, blank white space.  When I looked at it about 15 minutes later I thought I saw a faint second line... but so faint that it could have been my eyes (aka my head) playing tricks on me.

Later in the day I took a Clear Blue Easy HPT.  This one showed a distinctive faint vertical line (to make plus sign).

This morning (12dpiui) I took two tests.  First I used another earlypregnancytests.com with the same result... nothing, then maybe something, but too difficult to tell.

I was out of tests so I ran to the grocery store down the street and picked up two sets of tests along with a few other grocery items.  And it amazes me that the cashier and bagger both made comments about my HPT purchase (talking about how many they bought when they got pregnant).  Am I being sensitive that it bothers me when the employees discuss my purchases?

Anyway, I came home and used the EPT and nothing...

My BBT also dropped today, from 6 straight days between 98.4 - 98.6, today it was 98.1 (I'm trying to justify that I was so cold before I got up, it was 60 in my house - I had not turned on the heat yet). My boobs have not felt 'different' since about Thursday.

Here's what I do know... I do know that I did get pregnant.  I know the symptoms, including implantation bleeding, were real.  What I don't know is if I'm still pregnant... if this will take?

The waiting continues...

Pregnant or Just Crazy?

Today I am 9dpiui. This is the best week I can recall having in a very long time... perhaps since my first IUI cycle in May.  I have been optimistic about IUI#6 and I continue to be optimistic.  This makes me quite happy!

Those who have followed my blog through my cycles know that I tend to get pessimistic in the second week of the 2ww.  I know that pessimism is to soften the brutal blow of a potential BFN, because each BFN hurts.  This month I'm realizing that the pessimism has been fueled by lack of the slightest, smallest symptom.

IUI#6 Symptom run down (IUI was Tues. 10/19, I think I ovulated the night before):

• Sunday 
• BBT dropped to 97.5, the two previous days were 98.2 & 98.4 (the "dip"?)
• Occasional pressure, like a bruise being pushed on, in my abdomen (implementation cramping?)
• Monday 
• BBT jumped to 98.6
• Specks of blood on TP 3 times (implantation bleeding?)
• Occasional abdomen pressure/cramping
• Tuesday
• Boobs slightly tender when sleeping on stomach
• BBT still 98.6
• Wednesday
• BBT at 98.4
• Boobs still occasionally tender, just feel different than norm
• Thursday
• BBT at 98.4
• Boobs still have that different feeling
• Lower back cramping, but different than AF cramping

Conclusion:

I don't know!?!  This is different than my previous 5 IUI cycles.  I really think I could be pregnant but I cant be sure... could I just have gone insane?  Could I be imagining the "symptoms"?  This is why I actually took a photo of TP #2 - which had the least amount of specks... but I wanted evidence that I saw something, because by now I'd be telling myself I didn't (but I did!).

To POAS or Not to POAS...

My beta date is Tuesday (and as mentioned before, that's also the date of my IVF consult).  Of course, if implantation happened so early (Sun//Mon) then by Saturday my HCG should register.  I told myself if my symptoms got stronger I could test as early as Friday, but I wouldn't say symptoms have gotten any stronger than earlier this week.  

I have been planning all along to POAS on Sunday so I could begin to cope with a BFN if that was the result.  BUT...  I really am enjoying this week believing I could actually be pregnant.  If I actually am pregnant, I want to know as soon as I can know... but if I'm not pregnant I don't want to ruin that feeling by finding out too soon that I'm not pregnant, just crazy.  

Implantation Bleeding?

Could I be experiencing implantation bleeding?  I'm not one to examine the TP but I have been the last couple of days.  Today, twice, I have seen specks on the TP.  For those who may follow me on twitter, I just posed this question:

"who has experienced implantation bleeding? is there a fair amount or just specks? I'm seeing specks today... 7dpiui... could it be???"  and the first response I got was "tiny specks like two bathroom trips and that was it. *fingers crossed*" 

I will not show you (or anyone) the photo I took of the TP...  the fact that I took a picture feeds right into this 2ww insanity!

Must get back to work... I'm just really excited (more excited than afraid at the moment)!!

Seven Things (Virtual Blogger Award)

Finally... my response to the Versitle Blogger Award.  

I don't deserve the award given the long delay in putting my response together. I'm trying to figure out why I was having trouble making myself put this post together? Other than receiving the nod during my 5th BFN something has been holding me back... I'm not quite sure still what has been holding me back, but here goes.

Here are the rules:

• Thank and link back to the person nice enough to give you the award
• Share seven things about yourself
• Pass the award along to seven other bloggers who you think are fabulous
• Contact the bloggers you chose and let them know about the award

First, a thank you to all of the nods that came my way. I am afraid I didn't capture everyone who gave me a shout-out... and for this I am sorry. I was not tracking and figured that I would go back and reread those blogs... now so much time has past I'm sure I'll be leaving someone out... but here goes: THANKS GOES TO...  

• Shannon @ Chasing Rainbows,  who I met through a group of SMC's "in real life", before we connected in the blogsphere 
• Faith @ Exploring My Options  who I feel like I've known a long time... and my youngest dog's namesake
• Jay @ Stork Stalking - scientist, bookworm, excellent blogger and got her first (great) beta today Congrats Jay
• Nell @ Skating on the Edge of Madness  a teacher who I love to read because she does a great job of expressing the experience of SMC TTC
• Baby Chase Project - who just finished her 2ww with a bit of a cruel tease, unfortunately not the desired result.  I'm so sorry, TTC is such an emotional rollercoaster  
• One additional 'nod' to misconceived who reminded me that people did want to read about my 'seven things'.

Seven things about me...

1.  I'm an introverted extrovert.  My friends would disagree with this statement but I do have to know someone well, feel comfortable and accepted in order to open up and be myself.  I'm simply not good at small talk so that sometimes makes me come across as quiet or unsociable.

2.  I'm actually allergic to shellfish but never liked it or seafood. 

3.  I'm a reformed workaholic.  My average work week used to be 60+ hours (which explains the 39 and never married, I threw myself into my work).  Things changed when I got laid off last year... it was a very difficult lesson but I have come out on the other side no longer interested in ladder climbing or title chasing.  I'm STILL learning what to do with all of this additional time now that I don't work 24/7.

4.  I'm a reformed careless spender.  This goes hand-in-hand with the layoff mentioned above.  For so many years I would buy something when I wanted it, always pay full price and never blink.  I had a boat!  Now I enjoy consignment stores, clip coupons, buy in bulk or I just don't buy at all.

5.  My house is FAR too big for a single woman, this goes along with the careless spending.  My house is great, in a fabulous neighborhood but it's 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 2800 square feet with a mortgage that now, in my reformed ways, makes me uncomfortable.  I would love to downsize but obviously we all know the state of the real estate market...

6.  I grew up in South Florida... my entire family is still there, along with a couple of close friends. I'd love to be near my family again but just can't imagine living in that heat/humidity again; if it were not for the climate, I'd be back there.

7.  I am so scared.  After six IUI tries, five failed, one unknown yet.  IVF is not a sure thing.  How much money do I spend TTC?  How much emotion and heartbreak do I allow?  TTC puts me in this place I have labeled 'Mid-Life Limbo' where I'm in a constant state of waiting, not really moving forward, but waiting to do so.  I'm not prepared for this not to work, I'm not prepared if being a mom is not in God's plan for my life.

As mentioned by several in our SMC blog community, I believe we have passed this award around to each other quite a bit.  Going with their theme, I'm not going to recycle the award back through the community.

Again (x6)

It's the night before IUI #6 and all through my ovaries, my two big 'ole follies are growing, ready to ovulate.

So my SIXTH IUI is tomorrow morning.  And although it is my 6th time through this, I'm feeling good about my chances.  I told the ladies in the lab that "the sixth time is the charm".  

My ultrasound yesterday (CD12) showed TWO big follicles on my left ovary, at 22 and 26.  I can feel them just ready to go....  I'm asking they hold on several more hours until tomorrow morning.   While waiting on the doctor I closed my eyes and prayed I could have two or three follies ready this cycle, since all but one of my previous cycles produced a single follie.  This prayer was answered!

I started acupuncture last week.  I've been hearing so much about its infertility benefits that I decided to just do it.  While I find it relaxing, I'm not sure I would do it if I were not dealing with infertility.  It takes me 10 minutes or so to relax, but by the time the acupuncturist comes back in, I'm so totally relaxed I don't want to get up.  And I continue to feel really good and relaxed for days after.

Since my IUI is tomorrow, my beta date will be November 2.... which happens to be the same day I have an appointment with Dr. T to discuss IVF.  

My Versatile Blogger Award post is in draft form.  I just need more time to clean it up... but I will finally post it sometime very soon.

Hymn of Promise

I'm not an overly religious person.  When I was a teenager I was a leader in youth group and very spiritual.   I've tried to keep touch with my faith and spirituality in my adult years but it's been difficult, admittedly I've lost touch.  When we are young it is so easy to believe and have hope...  before life gets in the way...  

Recently SIF mentioned something about wanting to get back to church.  I want the same... but know I'm so hormonal (aka emotional) now that going to church could easily mean "breakdown" (aka making a spectacle of myself).

I was visiting my parents this weekend and although my dad came down with a virus/cold, mom and I went to church this morning.  There were three different points in the service that I had to make myself think of FOOTBALL (anything to get my mind off the subject at church) because I started to choke up/tear up.  

One of those moments was during a hymn... I had to stop singing and think of the Gator game yesterday (sad loss)...  it was the Hymn of Promise.  Here are the lyrics that got to me (google the whole song for all lyrics)...

In the cold and snow of winter there’s a spring that waits to be.

There’s a dawn in every darkness, bringing hope to you and me.
From the past will come the future; what it holds, a mystery.

In our end is our beginning; in our time, infinity;
In our doubt there is believing

Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

Call me Crazy... and hopeful

It turns out the dogs did not get their day at the park on Sunday... I kept getting emotional so I never actually left the house...  but you all were right, based on your comments... I needed to cry it out.  And cry it out I did!!!   Your feedback was so therapeutic... even though it did make me cry even more at the time...  your support was key to my healing.

Monday, I felt much better.  I wasn't happy that I just experienced another BFN... but I felt I had done my grieving for the cycle and hit acceptance.

I felt the same way when I got up this morning.  But as any long-term TTC-er will do, until AF arrives, you must POAS.  This morning I did POAS first thing.  And when I saw the white space with the single line I dismissed it without the typical over-analyzation of the 2ww....  I had already stopped my progesterone supplements and notified the nurse on Monday about my BFN.

So during my 8:30 conference call, I pick up the stick...  suddenly, I realized (while on Mute) that there is something resembling a second line... something more than I've seen in all of these months of HPT testing.  It was faint... very faint.  I walked out to my backyard where the sunlight was streaming to verify whether I was actually seeing something...  I think I do...  it certainly looks like there could be something that looks like a line, at a certain angle, in good sunlight...

I grab my last digital test and go back to the bathroom where the cup still sits (I don't actually POAS... I use little disposable shot glass size cups).  While I wait for the digital HPT to process... I start to worry since I didn't take my progesterone yesterday.  If I actually am pregnant... then I need my progesterone... but if I'm not pregnant... I don't want to take the progesterone and delay my cycle further .  

And still, while I'm waiting for the digital HPT to process, I looked at the stick again in the sunlight... and still think I might see something...  so I decided that it didn't matter what the digital said... I needed a Beta (bloodwork) to know for sure.  

The digital processed a... BFN.  I still picked up my cell phone and left the nurse a message that I wanted a bloodtest to verify whether or not I'm pregnant.  

So be it... blood drawn... I'm either pregnant or crazy...

The nurse called, the blood test was negative.  Insanity confirmed!

I knew with the whole swirl of the morning that it was a long shot and it could be my eyes/mind playing tricks on me...  AND IT WAS...  but the HOPE I felt, I have not felt that kind of hope in a long time... not since before the first or second BFN.  It felt good!  It felt REAL.  It was the closest to feeling like it WILL happen for me that I've felt in so long...

I didn't have to mourn the confirmed BFN today...  while I would have been thrilled if I were pregnant... the feeling of true hope... I can't explain how good it felt!

So while I'm about to start my 6th IUI cycle (AF started her visit late today)... I went ahead and scheduled an IVF consult with my doctor for Nov 2... which should be right around the end of my 6th 2ww...  but I don't want to wait until a 6th BFN to be confirmed to schedule the appointment for IVF consultation...  because at that point it would be January before I could start an IVF cycle...  this way... my November cycle will be the start of my IVF cycle (if need be).

Sorry for the long play-by-play, my friends.  Just sharing.

The Single Line

I've not been able to bring myself to write this week.  I greatly appreciate all of the comments from I've Got Nothing, the support and encouragement from the blogosphere reminds me I'm not alone in this journey.  Really, all of you bloggers know how much it helps to receive this virtual support, every comment is appreciated.  I did still have some hope for the cycle, especially because my BBT started to rise more after that post and I wanted to believe my back cramps could be a positive sign.

I tested yesterday and today. And for the fifth cycle now I see only the single line, a single line with a maddening amount of clear white space next to it. I HATE that white space, it mocks me. If I had not seen pictures of others who have seen the mysterious second line I wouldn't believe it actually exists.  The white space makes my head spin and my brain plays tricks on me... but it's simply a vast starch-white piece of cardboard taunting "You're NOT pregnant... look as much as you want, you're still not going to be pregnant".  I dread the first glance at the stick because I have developed a fear of seeing the single line and corresponding white space.  And why do I torture myself by not throwing out that single line piece of cardboard right away?  I know a second line will not mysteriously appear several hours later, but I still go back and look, again and again and again.

My beta date is tomorrow but I told myself I would test today since it's Sunday and I need to come to terms with a negative on Sunday, not on Monday when I'm trying to concentrate on work.   

So as of yesterday and today... I am in tears on & off.  I attribute all of the drugs to making me so emotional.  Yesterday I made an effort to enjoy the day and took the dogs on a hike (the weather is gorgeous).  My girls make me laugh and smile, even when I'm sad.   They're going to make great "big sisters" one day...

Today I've not yet managed to get off the couch.  I'm going to... I'm going to take the girls out again, I don't know where?  It has to be somewhere private so if I start crying I don't draw all kinds of attention.

Thanks to Shannon for the Versatile Blogger Award nod.  I'll write a post on that when my spirits are better.