Do I or Don't I?

First of all, thank you for your wonderful comments of support from my last post.  Secondly, I really want to change the tone of my blog from whiney (about IF) to something more positive... but then something happens again and I have to work through it on the blog... feel free to skip over if you can't take more on my IF woe's.

Today is the day to start my second pack of 'active' BCP's.  I had to call the nurse because the pharmacy said it was too soon to refill the Rx.  She got that worked out but I asked her if she had my EFT (endo biopsy) results back yet.  After fumbling around she found them and started to read things to me... she might as well have been speaking a foreign language.  She said the bottom line was something showed slightly abnormal  and it might be the endometriosis that the CA125 test had indicated was a possibility.

So the doctor wants me to have another CA125 test after this second round of BCP's and then go into yet a THIRD cycle of BCP's leading into my next IVF cycle.  I was crushed.  A third cycle of BCP's, that's 63 days... which would put me into late July before I could possibly start stimming for IVF3.0?  For treating POSSIBLE endometriosis??  This puts me at 5 months in-between IVF's... what happened to No Cycle Shall Be Without A Purpose?

So do I have endo or don't I??  I have no idea.

I asked if I could talk to Dr. T about the test results and the possible diagnosis, even if by phone.  I was informed that Dr. T doesn't "do" phone consults but I could make an appointment.  Of course, I know that means at LEAST 4 weeks before I can talk to her, I'll be in my 3rd cycle of BCP's by then.

I was blinking back tears at the pharmacy this afternoon picking up the BCP's I need because I can't get pregnant... it sucks and it doesn't make sense.

Second Opinion

I had my phone consult with Dr. Su.rr.y at CCRM last week while at the beach.  He does suspect that with my 2 chemical pregnancies (he agreed that's what they were) it's likely an embryo quality issue.  He recommends PGS (Preimplantation Genetic Screening) with my next IVF cycle to get a better idea of my embryo quality.  He also talked about how different labs impact the quality of the embryo.

He also doesn't believe in using the CA125 test to diagnose endometriosis (it is a test commonly used for cervical cancer) and it could mean MANY things, especially given it was barely above the normal threshhold.  Apparently the use of the CA125 test as an indicator for endo started at Wake Forest so he suspected it was picked up by my clinic due to the local connection.  He doesn't believe in using BCP's for endometriosis control, he would use Lupron priming.  He doesn't believe in the EFT (endo biopsy) as it's not validated outside of the Yale research facility.

If I work with CCRM, I would need to travel to Colorado 3 times... 1) Initial evaluation/workup; 2) Egg Retrieval; 3) FET (after PGS results)

There was a lot more to the consult but I'm trying to keep this post condensed.

Do I stop taking the BCP and go to CCRM for my next cycle or don't I?  I have a pro/con list in my head.

Pros

• New lab 
• New doctor
• More info on the embryos
• Moving forward within next 2 weeks
• Local monitoring (via my current clinic, is that a pro or con?

Cons

• New doctor not as familiar with my history
• I'm 1/3 through the BCP protocol (should I need to start it again one day, I'll have to start over)
• Travel/time away from work
• What happens if my CCRM IVF doesn't work?

In the meantime, I'm at a loss for whether I can schedule a trip with 2 of my oldest girlfriends to celebrate our 40th birthday's... we were thinking late July.  If I stay with Dr. T, I'll be stimming in late July. If I go to CCRM, I'm not sure (depends on when I stop the BCP's) but my ER could be mid-July so we might be able to do our trip (depending on how I swing things with work).

Decisions... I wish someone could just tell me what to do for a change, because I have NO IDEA.

I'm Sorry, Life is So Unfair

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, life is so unfair.

These are the best words of support you can offer to a friend who is struggling with infertility.  Especially if...

• you don't know what to say or how to support your infertile friend
• you have a child of your own
• you have never struggled with infertility
• you have been drinking heavily ALL day!

WHAT NOT TO SAY under any of these circumstances (and many, many unnamed circumstances as well)...

• she needs to take a break for a while and get back to the person you remember her to be (because somehow the months in-between March 2011's IVF2.0 and hopefully July's IVF3.0 is not actually a break?)
• she should take a break and lose weight
• tell her she doesn't have any idea how hard pregnancy is and how crazy pregnancy makes a woman (even though she's been swallowing, injecting and inserting thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of hormones over the last year)
• you didn't know how to respond to the information she was sharing about the second opinion consult she had that morning (the appointment she waited 6 weeks to have, even though she had to take the call from the beach trip) so you kept asking questions about using Facebook during her debrief with the other girls who actually wanted to know what the doctor had just said
• she shouldn't refer to the spare room in her house as the "one-day nursery" because SHE DOESN'T HAVE A BABY or a NURSERY, it's just a ROOM
• she should stop trying and it will happen (hello, you know I'm single - plus this happens in 5% of the cases of infertile women... that means 95% of the time, an infertile doesn't get pregnant when you 'stop trying'.)

While you may INTEND for this conversation to be supportive and well-meaning out of concern for your infertile friend, it's not.  Instead, what you have done is...

• broken your infertile friend's heart
• made your infertile friend feel more alone than she's ever felt before 
• made your infertile friend decide she will no longer talk about her infertility with you and other close friends, she will now elect to suffer in silence (other than her online & IRL infertility support groups)
• made your infertile friend not want to spend time with you (which is difficult since you are currently sharing a room on vacation)
• made your infertile friend need a second Xana.x in the middle of the night in order to sleep
• made your infertile friend debate whether she can even write about this on her blog since you have access to the link, although she doesn't think you actually read it (this blog is my safe place and how I process things, especially for support of those who may understand)
• made your infertile friend have doubts about being able to continue with our annual beach trip tradition
• made your infertile friend FEEL GUILTY for her hurt feelings because she knows that your intention behind your comments was well-meaning even though the comments hurt her to the core

The struggle of infertility is a tremendous hardship financially, physically and emotionally.  If you have not been through this type of struggle, please keep your "well-meaning" comments to yourself.  

The best way I can describe a fleeting moment of how an infertile feels to a fertile person...

1. Think about your children
2. Now think about a time before you had your children
3. Now imagine someone has told you that you will never have your children, they will not exist
4. Think about that fleeting moment of fear and your stomach sinking... wouldn't you go to the ends of the earth to get to your children?

An infertile knows their child is meant to be... and she is doing whatever it takes to get to her child!

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, life is so unfair.

Beach Week - Chicken & Grape Salad

I'm seriously unhappy with Blogger right now.  This post was almost done and I accidentally deleted part of it... and there is NO WAY TO GO BACK!


So... the short story...  I'm going to the beach with my girls this week, annual trip.  I'm behind on blogging, reading & commenting because work has been busy.  Hope to catch up soon!


The other part of the story is that my CA125 test (for endo) came back slightly elevated) so I've been told that the standard protocol is 2 cycles (42 days straight) of BCP + Letrozol... I'm about 14 days in.  Based on this, the earliest I will stim for IVF3.0 is late June.  I'm still waiting on the EFT/Endo Biopsy results... which should be in any day.  Once those results come in, I'll talk to Dr. T and learn more about what's going on.


In the meantime, I have a phone consult with CCRM while I'm on vacation.


I'm making my summer chicken salad - the chicken & grape salad - by request again for our beach trip.  I HATE mayo & mustard... will not eat it, will not cook with it.  This chicken salad is inspired by Dean & Deluca...  I've been perfecting it for years and it is, if I do say so  myself, much better than D&D.


I do tweak things every time I make it, especially at the start of each season when I begin making it again.  I must say, I've outdone myself today!


Here's my best attempt at measuring. Play with it and make it your own. Let me know if you add a twist/spice/etc. 
3 chicken breasts (more for a bigger batch)
1 cup OJ
Chopped Pecans or Walnuts
Red Seedless Grapes
1 Orange for zest
1 Sweet Onion (preferably Vidalia)
Celery (4 - 5 stalks)
Brown sugar
Salt
Lite House Salad Seasonings (optional, but makes a flavorable difference)

Cut up the chicken, cook in slow cooker with some OJ & Brown Sugar (enough to marinate). Chop celery & onion, half grapes, zest the orange, add nuts. Squeeze the juice from the orange into mixture. Add OJ, brown sugar, salt & salad seasonings (to taste). Note, you don't want it soggy, just moist, so don't over-saturate with OJ. 

Blogger Faux Paus

So I had a miscommunication with Blogger on when my 100th blog post was coming up.  Now mind you, I've been watching the post numbers grow for a while... 96, 97, 98, 99...  knowing I should mark some kind of tribute for my 100th post.

What I didn't realize that Blogger was including 'Drafts' in that count.  So my 100th post was actually my 92nd post, the remaining 8 were long-forgotten drafts.

I still stand by my 100th Episode post, even it was slightly premature.

100th Episode

You may recall that Seinfeld, one of the top sitcoms of all time, put together summaries of their episode milestones.

Courtesy of Google Images

This is my 100th blog post, my 100th episode.  In the spirit of Seinfeld, here is the first 100 posts in review.

Never would I have imagined when I started this blog that 21 months later I wouldn't have my baby in my arms.  I envisioned wacky tales of figuring out how to buy donor sperm, getting inseminated at the doctors office (rather than by candlelight) and the experience of being pregnant, preparing for baby.  I thought that perhaps like Julie & Julia, my unique (I thought it would be unique when I started) blog would get picked up for movie rights, blazing the way for other SMC's (this was before The Backup Plan, The Switch, and The Kids are Alright - we've come a long way, baby).  As I broke into the blog world, I realized that there was a wide-world of SMC's... and later learned more than I ever wanted to know about the in's & out's of infertility.

The Pilot: The pilot episode aired in August of 2009, but it didn't get picked up for the season. It was a good learning opportunity as I connected with my first SMC-wanna-be's and created my Twitter persona to align with the blog.  I had some housekeeping to be done, in the terms to getting back to a steady-corporate income, before things could move forward.

Syndicated:  It took approximately 8 months for me to get things into place and under way.  My blog picked back up in May of 2010, just in time for a hysteroscopy and my first IUI.  I was going to be a mom, a SMC, in 9 months!!  ....only things didn't work out that way...

I didn't get pregnant right away.  I continued IUI's while new SMC friends I had connected with got their BFPs.  I began to deal with the idea that it might take me longer than I imagined to begin my life as an SMC.  And it hurt.

After several failed IUI's I finally went back to work for my former employer, the one that laid me off after 12 years of service, the one with great benefits.  Getting laid off in early 2009 was a big hit to my ego, very much defined by my career at that time and much of the reason my SMC TTC got to such a slow start.  Going back was a lesson of swallowing my pride, in the interest of what is best for me and my future family.  This employer has not only good maternity benefits, it has good infertility coverage as well.

Advancing from IUI to IVF:  My 6th IUI gave me a glimpse of hope, as I had implantation bleeding and a BFP a few days before my beta, but as fast as it appeared, it went away.  I started my period an hour before trick-or-treaters came on Halloween night.  I was actually happy because I had never gotten to this level of success previously, even though it ended in failure.

My 6th IUI also allowed me to hit a milestone I wish I never met, an official diagnosis of "Unexplained Infertility".

IVF1.0:  November/December 2010 was my first IVF.  Surely moving to IVF would get me to my dream of being a mom!    Three days before Christmas my BFN is confirmed.  I was devastated and trying to figure out how to make it through the snowbound family holiday.

Bringing in the New Year was tough, especially when I learned a high school friend announced her third pregnancy the day after her 3 year wedding anniversary.

IVF2.0:  By the end of January I was preparing to start my second IVF.  My response to the protocol was much improved and I had one (of many) HPT that turned positive... that was an afternoon of hope, elation and joy I've not felt in so long, even knowing it was early  

Regrouping:  Sadly, there has been more negativity and sadness in my blog than I would ever have imagined.  As I ventured out of the world of hopeful SMC to the world of a single Infertile woman, things got really difficult.  I wish this were the blog I planned, about a single woman happily becoming a mom, and I pray one day that it can be 'that blog'.

My Bloggies:  The best part about this, my 100th post, is recognizing the amazing women I have met along the way!  We may not be neighbors, but I know I am not alone.  We may not be in the same place on our paths, but your support never waivers.  At times, this blog, and your comments are a lifeline.  And I am happy that at times, I can support you.

Thank you for being with me, during the good and the bad.  It's time for more GOOD.

Mothers Day, Different Meanings for Different Experiences

First, Happy Mothers Day to those of you who are mothers and expectant mothers!  I hope you enjoy this day for everything that it is worth!!!

Second, my heart goes out to everyone who has lost their mother or may be estranged from their mother.  My own mother is such a blessing and support, I can't fathom not having my dear mother in my life so I know this day must be such a difficult reminder for you.

Third, I wish for peace to all of the mothers who have lost a child during or post pregnancy.  I have no words to express how unnatural and unfair this is for any mother to endure.

Next, I pray for blessings for those of us who desire with all of our hearts to be mothers but struggle with the pain of infertility.  Today, we must suffer through, endure and survive... (as I did last year) I have HOPE that by next Mother's Day, we'll all be able to celebrate BEING a mom!

Lastly, I leave you with a link to a touching post by Keiko to remember the childless, not by choice.  Her words hold so much truth in how I feel:

We may not have stayed up late when the kids wouldn't go to bed.  But we've stayed up late worrying about our transfers he next morning.  We've stayed up late wondering why the agency hasn't called.  Stayed up late wondering "how on earth are we going to pay for this?"

We may not have endured 20 hours of labor and a natural birth. But we've endured countless hours in stirrups, endless rounds of needles and herbal treatments and painful surgeries. And years of silence and shame.

We may not have brought our child to work but we've sacrificed careers to stay in jobs we hate just to maintain specific health insurance coverage, however crappy that coverage might be - but it's better than paying 100% out of pocket. 

My Resolve

I went to my first Resolve meeting this week (for those lucky enough not to know, Resolve is an Infertility support/advocacy organization).  I was supposed to go to my first one in December, but my IVF1.0 Retrieval happened the same day.   There was no January meeting and I never actually got added to the local group's mailing list so February/March passed.  I reconnected with the leader but I was traveling in April so here it is May... and I finally went to my first meeting.

Back when I was seeing my Infertility therapist, Dr. G, she was a little skeptical about me joining up with the local Resolve group.  She was concerned meeting other women suffering from infertility may not be healthy for me.  Really?

As one woman in the group put it, no one who isn't or has not been through IF truly understands what we feel.  That she wants to talk about IF, with someone who understands, and she wants to talk about it all the time.  She's sad and she's pissed off and she believes she was put on this earth to be a mom.  She said everything I felt, and everyone else in the room.

There were at least 15 women at the meeting.  While it's "scheduled" to be 90 minutes, we were there for 3 hours... and apparently that's pretty standard.  It starts with some informal announcements, then it's an open opportunity for each woman to share what's going on (since the last meeting).   

There were women just starting to seek medical assistance after TTC on their own and there were women who had been trying for many, many years... and many women somewhere inbetween.  One woman was headed to Colorado the next day for her FET, several were in their 2ww, one is just about to embark on her first IVF.  A few of us have begun considering, or down the path of donor egg.  One woman had just... finally (after multiple years)... had a diagnosis that uterus is shredded (after multiple losses, D&C's) and she'll never sustain a pregnancy.

For those who know me, you know I've come to a certain acceptance, even comfort level, of being a single mom.  And as I listened and shared, I was reminded again of the advantages & disadvantages of going at this on my own.

There were stories of supportive husbands who attended appointments, gave shots and offered support unconditionally.  And there were stories of husbands who dragged their feet with every decision, who were ready to give up and felt their wives didn't think that they (the husband) were enough which is why the wives had this unrelenting drive to overcome infertility.  Women were reading the book What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting to see if their husbands actually did read the book.

A couple of the husbands, not necessarily religious, required that they consult their priest/rabbi, before making decisions about IVF, Donor Egg, Adoption.

While I would love someone to mix my vials and tell me which syringe goes with which drug, even someone who would inject me and hold me when I cry, I am thankful that I, alone, am responsible for my decisions.  I can ponder or move forward as I come to terms with things in my own time, however little or much time as it takes.

I found it enlightening when several of them mentioned how their husbands just don't want them to be in pain anymore and that they are not the same women that they married.  I can relate to that.  I'm not the same person.  Infertility changes you.  You become very much single minded, as you are your own best advocate.  You do everything you can to remain in control of an uncontrollable situation (creating charts, calendars, schedules, etc).

I know I've turned down the opportunity to be introduced to men, because I don't recognize myself... I don't have the energy to focus on someone else, especially someone who wont really know me.  I know I'm still in here somewhere... but this life of ongoing limbo, desperately wanting to move into the next phase without success, this limbo-stranger will not leave until I know my child is safely on its way.  Until I'm able to experience real JOY again.

Other Updates

Endo Biopsy:  One year ago today, Cinco de Mayo, I had my Hysteroscopy to remove my uterine polyp.  Today, I had my Endometrial Biopsy for my Endometrial Function Test (EFT).

My Mom Had Endo: When I sent my mom the video explaining the EFT, she emailed me later and said, I just realized I should tell you, I had Endometriosis.  My mom had a hysterectomy when I was quite young but I was to little to understand what was happening; I just knew that my sister and I had to stay at my Grandmothers house for several days.  How did I NOT know my mom had Endo?  How, in all of these years did I not ask her about it?

But I have no signs of Endo myself.

IVF3.0:  When AF arrives, that will be the start of my pre-IVF cycle.  I'll start Estrogen priming after ovulation.  I had thought I was going straight into Stimulation thinking I'd have the ER/ET the week before Memorial Day.  The good news is, that would have been the same week as my annual beach trip with sorority sisters.  I'm disappointed it's going to be 2 more cycles until IVF3.0, I'm happy I'll get to enjoy my beach trip.

Mothers Day:  I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna hurt.

National Infertility Awareness Week

April 24 - 30 is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).  I've been very active on Twitter this week in support of NIAW. 

For NIAW this year, Resolve has challenged the IF community to Bust A Myth about Infertility.  I've been contemplating this blog post all month, but for some reason I've been unable to sit down and write it.  I've written the post in my head, but when I try to write it, it's blank.  So be warned, I have no idea what's to come in the paragraphs ahead.

As many myths as there are about infertility, I really want to write about the Truths.

MYTH: Single women are not infertile, they just need a partner.

TRUTH: Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term after 12 months of trying to conceive.  If you are over the age of 35, the time of TTC is reduced to 6 months.  I started TTC at 38 and every cycle has been under the care of an RE.  I can't help but wonder if I had started years before if I would have struggled with infertility or not?  So many young couples experience infertility!  1 in 4 women in their late 30's and 40's will experience fertility challenges. 

MYTH: If you are infertile, do IVF, it always works.

TRUTH:  Infertility is a medical problem that can be emotionally, socially and financially crippling. IVF is unbelievably expensive with no guarantees, it does NOT work for everyone. And if the magic bullet (IVF) doesn't work, the heartbreak is extraordinary.  I've had two failed IVF's and I'm blessed with very good infertility insurance coverage.  Even with this coverage each cycle still has significant uncovered costs.  I would not be able to afford to continue treatment without my insurance coverage.  I'm one of the few lucky ones who are covered, most are not.

I had so much more to say, but I just don't feel like I'm doing the topic justice.  I'm on my second consecutive cycle with 0% chance of success (no treatments) which is simply frustrating. 

For what it's worth, I did post this week on Facebook for the first time anything related to my TTC/SMC/Infertility.  I didn't directly "come out" on Facebook, this is what I posted: 

"Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, soul crushing, life-altering experience.  April 24 - 30 is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). Whether a friend, a family member, a colleague or yourself has fought through this difficult fate that MILLIONS of people are fighting day in and day out, post this as your status if you or someone you know has walked to Hell and back for the chance to be a MOM! Visit Resolve for more information."

Anyone who has followed my blog for any period of time knows the emotional toll infertility has taken on me.  They also know, I wont give up!

One last message, if you know someone who struggles with primary infertility (the inability to conceive their first child) please be very sensitive to them with Mother's Day coming up in a week.  For me, Mother's Day is the most difficult holiday and a HUGE reminder of my pain.

For more information on NIAW visit http://www.resolve.org/takecharge or 

 http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 

A - Z of TTC (SMC/Infertility)

This is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).  If you follow me on Twitter, you know I'm tweeting all about it.  I plan to write my Bust a Myth blog post for NIAW this week, it's in very rough draft form right now.  True to the classic procrastinator I can sometimes be, I'm not ready to finish it... so look for it later this week.

In the meantime, I'm taking this format from Not Fat, Just Pregnant
and giving my A-Z list of TTC as a Single Woman diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility.

A. Age when you started TTC: 38 (after considering SMC for many years)

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Neither.  IUI & IVF

C. Children wanted: For years I always wanted one, until I started TTC, now I'd love to have two

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children:  2 dogs, two years old (a few months apart).  Rescues, Lab mixes.  Truly my babies!

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils:  Prenatals, D3 (liquid), B6, Calcium, Fish Oil 

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: (In order) Clomid, Progesterone, Ovadrel, Femara, Gonal-F, Novarel Mocrodose, Estrace, Lupron Microdose, Low dose HCG, Saizen (HGH) - ALSO, BCP's, Vicoden, Methoprednozone, Doxycycline, Daisopam, Valium, and Xanax (Xanax for the stress of TTC/BFN's)    

G. Gain: Since TTC? 12lbs, in the last 2 years 32lbs

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): All clear! The test didn't phase me a bit

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: More than I'd like to admit, but I will in my NIAW post later this week

J. Job title: Change Manager

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: I'll name my child what I want when I know what the right name is, regardless of whether or not someone else has used the name

L. Length of time TTC: 1 year (working exclusively with an RE)

M. Miscarriages: None, thank God. Praying that answer never changes. I do believe I've had 2 chemical pregnancies that went away before they could be verified.

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: Since TTC, 1 OB/GYN, 1 RE (but I see all 6 in the practice).  I have TWO second opinions scheduled in May.

O. Ovarian quality: Good for my age.

P. POAS or wait for AF: POAS.  I waited with IVF#1.  Sometimes I think if I POAS or wait it will impact the outcome, silly superstitions.  But if I didn't POAS, I wouldn't know about my two unconfirmed chemical pregnancies.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "It will happen, in time"... (unless I go broke first, or insane).  I also can't stand when women say something and then follow with "only a mother truly knows"... I feel like I've been dismissed, deemed unworthy. 

S. Sperm: On my second Open Donor (one day I'll add up exactly how much I've spent on sperm alone $$)

T. Time you tried naturally: Does 1 unmedicated IUI count?

U. Uterus quality: Assumed it's fine.  Looked good in HSG & Hysteroscopy.  Next week's Endometrial Biopsy will tell more...

V. Vagina: If it weren't for regular visits with Wandy & the Speculum, my Va-jay-jay would be quite lonely

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: I bought a used glider shortly before my first IUI and donated the bedroom furniture to Salvation Army... now I feel like I jinxed myself.  Plus, my mom volunteers for a thrift store and I have 2 crates full of goodies.  I finally had to tell her to stop until a viable pregnancy is confirmed.

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? First it was close friends, then immediate family.  After continued struggles I decided it would be less stressful to share with other friends and even work (for IVF scheduling support and reduced stress).  This week I posted on Facebook, not "coming out" but an NIAW statement.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): I had to have a pap before IVF.  The pap was late (by several months) since I had so many appointments all year spreading my legs for the masses.

Z. Zits: Occasionally.  Usually around my period.

Care to share your A - Z's of TTC?

No Cycle Shall Be Without A Purpose

Today was WTF day with Dr. T.  Let me back up...  Monday, AF arrived... only 23 days into the cycle. That's a new record, by far, for short cycles.  The cycle after IVF2.0 failed.

That should say SECOND FAILED IVF

• I didn't cry.  I did blink back tears 2 - 3 times, but I didn't cry at all... this is progress.  Or numbness. Or getting used to feeling so hurt and lost.  But I didn't cry!
• No cycle shall be without a purpose.  This is my request.  Whether it be a cycle reserved for testing, an IUI cycle or an IVF cycle, every cycle from here on should have a purpose.  Basically, if not a cycle for testing, every cycle will have greater than a 0% chance of conceiving my baby.
• My IVF2.0 embryos were GOOD!  They were superior compared to IVF1.0 embryos.  The two 'runts' that we didn't transfer were blasts at day 6 (and the 4 superstars we transferred were nearly at Morela stage on Day 3).  
• My Egg Quality. I absolutely should be able to get pregnant with my own eggs... it's just a question of how many times it would take.  Enter a comparison by my doctor to Celine Dion who had 6 IVF's before conceiving/delivering her twins with her own eggs.  Sure... because I have the same resources as Celine Dion.
• Donor Egg Options.  Dr. T knew I had met with the DE coordinator last week so the conversation started with how this would be a good choice (70% live birth rate) for the most immediate results.  I didn't post about my DE Coordinator meeting yet, the waiting list is approximately six months.  Bottom line, I'll get on the list as I digest the idea while I continue to move forward with my own eggs.
• Donor Embryos.  Dr. T also recommended looking into donor embryos, as there are good success rates and it's significantly less expensive.  My clinic does not have a donor egg program at this time but we talked about clinics that do.
• My Uterus.  One of my biggest questions is about ruling out any potential problems with my uterus.  At this stage (6 IUI's and 2 IVF's), Dr. T agreed it's time to investigate potential problems with my uterus.  An endometrial biopsy is in order.

Next Steps:

• Endometrial Biopsy this cycle.  I started Femara tonight, CD3.  We will use this cycle for the testing.  It will be minimal hormones, and a procedure to take a small sample from my uterus around 10 days after Ovulation.  It will be around 10 days to have the results.  I have more research to do about this process, I'm sure it will be the subject of another blog post.
• IVF3.0 Immediately following this cycle.  In the interest of my determination that every cycle has a purpose, we'll go immediately into an IVF cycle after this 'testing' cycle.
• Backup IUI cycle.  Should IVF3.0 fail, rather than taking a month off, I'll go into an IUI cycle.  The reason for the time off is that my RE goes by the practice of having 3 months between retrievals... so if I'm not stimulating or suppressing for a purpose, I'll have an IUI.

These are the highlights.

Short End of the Stick

This is a random thought that hit me on the acupuncture table today... which is odd because I rarely have negative thoughts in my state of relaxation.

How is it I drew the short end of the stick in life?  As a little girl, I never dreamed of my career, of being a rising executive at a major financial institution.  Big whoop!  Really??

I dreamed of having a child...  when I was 7, 8, 9, 10... somewhere around that age, I would pray every night that my baby doll, Olivia, would be a real baby when I woke in the morning.  I wanted to be a real mommy.

In my teen years and all through my 20's I dreamed of a true love, a man who would become my husband and the father of my children.

I watch my 40th birthday get closer and closer... August this year.  I've come to terms with not finding my true love (at least not one who could settle down and marry me)...

But seriously??? What Karma God did I p'off to do everything to keep me from my dream of being a mom, too?  Take my man but don't keep me from my child!!!

I AM NOT GIVING UP!!!

******
I know there is much greater suffering in life than mine, and that I am truly blessed in so many ways.  This is just one of those thoughts that it's hard to wrap my head around.

Planning

Research on Donor Eggs
Yesterday I made an appointment to talk to the DE coordinator at my RE office, along with the Finance coordinator.  The appointment is April 8th.  For me, this is just initial information, not a decision.

WTF Appointment Planning
My WTF appointment with Dr. T is on April 13.  I have questions in my head and I need to start writing them down.  Here are a few... just to get them written down:

• What happened this time?
• The embryos were moving into the Morela stage on Day 3 at transfer, given this is there really possibly a problem with the quality of my eggs (embryos)?
• If we were to do IVF again (using my own eggs), what would we do differently?  How can we get more of my own eggs?

I have questionably had two brief chemical pregnancies (IUI #6 and IVF #2), meaning a positive HPT (not a trigger false positive), then negative HPT and negative Betas...

• How do we know the problem is not with my uterus, an inability to support implantation/growth?
• What testing can we do to feel confident the problem is not with my uterus, especially if I decide to use donor eggs $$$?

Second Opinion
While I love Dr. T I do think it's time to get an opinion from someone else.  It doesn't have to be someone local... so I actually have no clue who to schedule a second opinion with...  I've not done much research on this topic.

This is when I wish I had someone to share the burden with, someone to tell me where to go, what to do...  or just to have someone as invested in this as I am to talk through it with.

Business Travel
It's going to be a crazy week, heading out West Monday for a packed schedule of work meetings and "team building" events...  I am NOT looking forward to the socializing with people I barely know as the questions:  Are you married?  Do you have kids?  are always asked (over and over given there will be 50 or so collegues around over the course of the week).  I really had hoped I would be trying to schedule my first ultrasound around my travel schedule...

Any ideas on clever responses (that are also politically correct, given these are business contacts)?  My new response (to those who know my IF struggles) is that I gave this company my best fertile years.  Probably not the best response when talking with casual acquaintances.

Personal Travel
I get home Thursday night and get back on a plane Friday to head to see the family in Florida, for a mini reunion.  I'm looking forward to seeing my family and catching up with a couple of friends.  Then back home Monday afternoon.

My dogs are sitting on either side of me at this moment but I miss them already... I hate leaving them for a week!

Weight Watchers
I decided against the 'extreme' diet due to all of the unknown implications to my TTC efforts.  I really just wanted to see fast results based on my efforts, given I've not seen results from all of my TTC efforts over the last year.  But instead I signed up for Weight Watchers.

Slow & Steady Wins the Race, right?  If it doesn't, then I know my heart will never recover...

(I searched Google Images for a Broken Heart image... my favorite actually came from SIF's blog.) 

A Small Victory over IF

This morning, less than 24 hours after my confirmed failure of IVF2.0, I decided that I couldn't bare to spend the day on my couch crying and feeling sorry for myself watching reruns on the SoapNetwork (One Tree Hill & Gilmore Girls).  It's a beautiful Spring weekend in North Carolina and I had two different places I should be today, other than my couch.

As afraid as I was that in the presence of people I would fall apart and sob uncontrollably, I listened to the resolve mantra I had been telling myself throughout my 2ww...  I have to start living again.  I can't let infertility win and continue to take everything in its path.

So I made breakfast, showered, took care of the dogs (food, water, dog door - they don't need me for anything else), I got in the car and drove the 160 miles to Raleigh.

I did quite well on the drive over, calling my mom to let her know I was taking a day trip.  I had a few bouts of tears but no real breakdown.

I arrived at the resort (conference center) and immediately found the restroom ( I consumed 64 oz of water on my trip over).  As soon as I walked into the conference room - this was a Choice Mom's Conference, I began to lose my composure.  I quickly excused myself, got myself together and went in again.

I'm so glad I went.  I met Mikki Morrissette (and was so disappointed I didn't think to bring my copy of her book Choosing Single Motherhood for her autograph).  I also was sitting right next to JellyBean Mama but didn't connect who she was until late in the day... and I got to meet the JellyBean herself... as adorable as she looks in her photos (actually MORE adorable).  I had the opportunity to meet and talk with Amy in NC (a blog follower who helped inspire me to overcome my fear and attend the conference) and BunInTheOvenPlease, who is a new blogger and writes eloquently.

In addition to all of these amazing women, the room was full of maybe 30 amazing Choice Mom's, Tryers and Thinkers.

There was a representative from California Cryobank, a Financial Planner, an Psychologist (specializing in single motherhood, infertility) and a local RE.

The discussion and networking was therapeutic.  Even the drive was therapeutic.

I'm so thankful that today I WON, instead of infertility.  Infertility would have kept me on the couch indulging self pity.  Instead I took charge, kept my plans, continued to live, made new friends/connections and feel satisfied.

New Score:
Infertility 8 cycles vs. BB 1 day (and counting)

IVF2.0 - It's Over

I wrote this post in my head Tuesday night as I was awake in tears for hours, convinced this cycle had failed.  I had been peeing on extra sensitive sticks (claims to read 10ml HCG) since Friday, all negative.

Suddenly Wednesday afternoon, just before walking out the door for acupuncture, there was a second line!!!  OMG!  I was thrilled!  It was a faint yet clearly distinctive second line (believe me, I know what no line looks like, this was a line).  Just to be sure, I took the stick to acupuncture and A confirmed she saw it too!  She said my pulse felt different (as it does with a pregnancy).

But Thursday's FMU resulted in a negative (I tried to convince myself I saw something, but I really didn't).  I peed on FIVE sticks Thursday, all negative.  Today, Friday, my FMU also was negative. So Wednesday's positive HPT was either a momentary chemical pregnancy or a defective pee stick.

I went in for my blood draw and then I went straight to the grocery store to buy a couple of bottles of wine... because I knew the answer.

So my nurse emailed me (not sure how I feel about beta results via email) to confirm the beta was negative.  Dr. T is booking appointments into mid-April so my WTF appointment wont be for a month...  I asked the nurse to connect me with someone who could begin to educate me on the donor egg process and costs... I really don't know much about this option but I have a feeling it might be my only option with a chance...

For the last week I've been planning what I will do if this cycle fails... (I guess that's my way of coping with the 2ww after -now- 8 failures)  My plan is to start taking care of me.  I'm significantly overweight and TTC has only made me gain more weight.  I'm going to get on an aggressive weight loss program (that has worked for me in the past) for the next two months, knowing I will not cycle again for at least 2 months.  It's an extreme way to drop weight but at this time, I need something extreme that actually ends with results... I'm tired of doing things that don't work, such as 8 ART cycles.

Definition of Insanity:  Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results

To my local SMC friends... it's doubtful I'll end up going to the Choice Mom conference in Raleigh tomorrow.  I expect I would be a blubbering mess.  And unfortunately I also have a bridal shower for such a sweet friend I was invited to tomorrow, but I'm afraid I'd be quite the downer, frequently excusing myself to TRY to gain my composure.

So what will I do this weekend?  I really don't know... perhaps take the dogs for a walk, or to the dog park if I'm feeling really brave.  Otherwise, I'll just allow myself to grieve, again.

Hope

This is what Hope looks like to me.  

My remaining two embabies did not survive to freeze.

My original fear when the doctor recommended putting these four back was the possibility of multiples... that fear has now been replaced with... what if none of them stick???  

I am doing my best to stay optimistic and continue to hold on to hope.  I have no reason to believe one (or more) will not stick.  It's only 4dp3dt... I still have a long way to go in this 2ww!

IVF 2.0 - Transfer

I'm officially knocked up!

It was a great weekend with 7 of my sorority sisters at my place on Saturday for our annual Spring overnight gathering.  The transfer was always in the back of my head but it was a great time, lots of laughs and distraction.

This morning two of the girls dropped me off at the RE office.  My acupuncturist, A, met me there for Before & After treatments.

At the end of my Before treatment, Dr. T came in and gave me an update on my 6 embabies.  Four were really healthy 8-cells beginning to move into the morula stage.  She said they looked better today than any of the others from IVF1.0 on day 3.  The other two were 6-cell and still growing.

I am very happy Dr. T came in to do my transfer because I knew she would be the doctor I trusted the most to help me decide how many to transfer.  She knows me, my history, my case, everything.  She advised I transfer the 4 strongest ones.  I said "Four, really"? At that moment I wasn't so worried about my IVF failing as I was about what if my IVF is too successful?  


We talked about the number and she said (not direct quotes but context of discussion) based on my past attempts that this is the best way I can contribute to my success.  And in the off chance I would get pregnant with multiples, there is always the real possibility only one would make it to term.  That's my goal, one healthy baby making it to term.  I would still be thrilled with two (that's just not my goal)!!  There was a lot more to the discussion but those were some of the key points I recall from my valium haze.

Had any other doctor at the practice have told me to transfer four, I don't think I would have done it... but I trust Dr. T.  The other two will continue to grow in the lab and we will see if they make it to freeze (I'd LOVE it if they did).

I do think I'm going to be a bit closed mouthed about the number I transferred, outside of the blog world.  I expect people who don't get it (dealing with infertility) to pass judgment.  I don't want to have to justify my decision on this, I just don't.  I shouldn't have to.

So A drove me home after treatment (talk about a full-service acupuncturist).  Several of the girls were still here, finishing cleaning up and waiting on me to make sure I get settled (and didn't move).  I got settled on the couch and we all just hung out and talked some more.  Then one by one they left.  Except for D.

D decided she was going to hang out longer and wait on me, making sure my butt didn't get up.  This is not only sweet, but D had been out of town all week.  She had just gotten in on Friday night and turned around and came for our girls night mid-day Saturday.  So now, she's giving up her Sunday to take care of me... D has a husband and 3 kids (8, 7 and 5) at home, laundry to be done, homework to be finished, but she's hanging with me.

AND, D's husband and kids picked up a late lunch and came over to hang out too!  The kids cuddled up on the couch with me and we watched Ella Enchanted.  Then they played upstairs and with the dogs. Finally I sent them home around 5pm.

I've got the greatest friends!

IVF 2.0 - Fertilization Report (Updated)

Of my 8 eggs, 7 were mature and ICSI'd.  6 fertilized normally.

I have 6 growing embabies!!!  Please send as much positive energy to those embabies as you can for healthy growth!

Transfer is Sunday... I'll get a call later with the time (will update this post)

In the meantime, I took yesterday through Monday off of work.  Tomorrow 8 of my sorority sisters are coming over for our annual Spring Gathering.  They will all stay overnight, so I'll end up leaving them at the house when I go for transfer, to lock up when they leave.  I love my girls!  It's going to be a GREAT weekend!!

UPDATE:
Transfer is set for 10:30am on Sunday.  Dr. T is coming in to do my transfer (based on the way the nurse said this to me, sounds like Dr. T was not scheduled to be in on Sunday).

My acupuncturist, A is coming with me for before and after treatments.  YEA!!!

Grow embabies, GROW!!!

IVF 2.0 - Retrieval

I've got 8 eggs!!!

I was tweeting before and after the retrieval, literally while in my gown, footies and hair cap with the IV still in my left arm.  Maybe I was tweeting (after I texted "8 eggs" to my mom) because I needed to share my excitement and I was on my own, except for the nurses and anesthesiologist.  One of my Tweeps, BarrenKaren, joked about my 8 eggs and called me Octo-Mom.

I'm very pleased to have my 8 eggs.  They were using ICSI today to fertilize them, I'll be waiting by the phone tomorrow to get the fertilization report.

Everything went smoothly.  No doubt it helped that I'd been through it before and knew what to expect.  I've had no discomfort at all, from the moment they woke me in recovery.  Actually, the only discomfort I've had is my throat...  it's been dry and sore since shortly after I woke in recovery.  I asked if they had intubated me and they had not.  They said the drugs could be causing the throat soreness.  I'm not complaining.

I'm feeling good.  I'm feeling positive.  The 68 shots over 12 days resulted in 8 eggs, I pray they are all mature and healthy and they all fertilize and grow!  I pray one of them sticks and results in my healthy child come November!

Both IVF cycles, while waiting between the trigger and the retrieval, my worry was premature ovulation.  It's very rare but it happens.  Again, I was blessed and did not experience this problem.

I just have to say that my friend Ang, a fellow Tweep who also blogs at A Few Minor Details, we have been cycle buddies for both of our IVFs.  And both of hers have resulted in premature ovulation!  I'm devastated, frustrated and furious for her!  How could her doctor let this happen not once but TWICE?   Stop by and send her as much positive energy as you can... she's got one embryo growing toward transfer.  Let this be THE ONE!!!

Twenty Questions

Thanks to my very pregnant friend Shannon at Chasing Rainbows for tagging me for Twenty Questions!  

The rules.

Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?

Absolutely they are part of the family.  I often refer to my two 2-year old lab mixes as "the girls" when talking about them.  I also sign many cards to family & friends "Love BB, Izzy & Faithy" (including the dogs names)

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?

That's a no brainer.  This IVF cycle will result in a happy & healthy baby come November of this year!  

3. What would you do with a billion dollars?

Like Shannon, first I'd pay off my current mortgage (after I quit my day job).  I'd adopt a couple of children, in addition to my baby from #2, then I'd start an animal rescue organization.

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?

Taking the girls to the dog park.  Or working out, if I can motivate myself.

5. What is your bedtime routine?

Take out contacts, wash face, brush teeth.  Close & lock the laundry room door where the dog door is located.  The girls jump on the chaise at the foot of my bed and we spend some quality time saying good night.

6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? If you aren’t, what have you tried in the past few years to meet someone?

Primarily online dating over the last few years.  Before that was socially acceptable, I met guys at bars/parties,through friends and even through work.

7. What kind of books do you read?

I love a James Patterson thriller (except his series books like Alex Cross & Women's Murder Club).  I also indulge in a good Nora Roberts romance/suspense.

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?

Raising my 9-year old and possibly another child.  Hopefully in love with Mr. Right-for-me and living near family.

9. What’s your fear? 

Not having my dream of becoming a mom come true, never connecting with a man who is my Mr. Right.

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space?

Nope.  I love to look at the sky, the stars, the moon... I've never had the desire to go to outer space.

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

Smile at the girls looking over the back of the chaise at me, with such anticipation (body-wagging) about starting the day.  I wish I had their enthusiasm!!!  

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be?  Or, if you’re single - if you could choose a significant other who looked like anyone in the world, who would it be?

Matt Damon

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

I'd keep my first name but change the spelling to the biblical version of my name... 

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose?

Sun!

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

My breakfast casserole 

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?

The support and connections with other SMC's and women dealing with infertility issues.  You can't get this level of support at an in-person local event.

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods?

Salty... but I do love my sweets

18. What items are in your purse right now?

Nothing exciting.  Wallet, checkbook, receipts, lip gloss, eye wetting drops

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go?

Beach

20. What day would you want to live over & over (as in the movie Ground Hog Day)?

Taking a day off work with the man I thought I would marry and riding all of the roller coasters, over & over, at a local theme park.

And here are bloggers I'm tagging today

InconceivableA - my blog/twitter friend who is my IVF cycle buddy, for the second time

Paige at The Turning of Paige - a fellow SMC who exemplifies strength and perseverance 

Jay at Stork Stalking - The smartest SMC TTCer I know, settling into her new diggs in NYC

SurlyGirl at It's Definitely Possible - a new SMC TTCer

IVF2.0 Update:

Lots of big follies making my lower abdomen quite sore.  Retrieval should be Thursday (final word will come tomorrow), Transfer would then be Sunday.