No Stressing Allowed

My IUI's were the highlight of my week (last week).   As reported, everything went very well with the first one.  The second one went well also (15million motile Swimmers) although the doctor on point for the IUI was running about 40 minutes late.  My appointment was at 11am and I had my first team meeting for my new job at 12pm.  There was nothing I could do about the doctor being late so I didn't let myself get worked up or stressed over it.  I had my IUI at 11:45 and laid on the table for about 8 minutes (shorter than normal but there is no scientific evidence that laying on the table after an IUI has any effect on pregnancy).  I was able to dial in to the meeting on my cell phone a few minutes after 12 as I calmly rushed to the office and joined the meeting in person 20 minutes late.  Nice first impression.   The photo is me on the phone as a child, stress free.

Actually, the first week of work was the worst first week of a new job I've ever experienced.  It started the Friday before when I emailed my new boss and asked her what time I should report in, who I should contact when I got there and if security had been worked out for my building access?  The building I was told I would spend my first week of work is the most secure building out of all of the buildings in this city occupied by this financial institution.  Anyway, my boss - who works in another city - never responded.

I decided 8:30am was a good time to show up Monday morning.  Of course when I got to the security desk there was no record of me.  I called my boss who told me to call Bob (like I know Bob).  Security looked up his number and I called Bob... and got his voicemail.  Remember, I don't know anyone in this division except for my boss since this was my first day back at this company (completely different division than before) after being gone for 18 months.  Long story short, a little more than an hour later I was finally authorized to get through security.  On a bright note, the guys at security were super nice!

The rest of the week went pretty much the same way... I received no on-boarding or directive.  There was no administrative assistant to work through my access to all of the various systems required.  I guess it was assumed that because I worked for the company previously I could handle all of it myself... except I aways had an admin to take care of those details in the past.  I worked through it but it was frustrating and a waste of time hunting through internal websites and loads of documentation to figure it all out.

This is the short version of the beyond frustrating week I had last week. I share this story only to explain that I managed the stress and frustration very well.  I knew it wasn't healthy for my Follies & Swimmers to let the stress take over or keep me up at night.  I did a lot of deep breathing, some stretching and refocusing my thoughts to remember what is important.  

While I expect next week to be a continuation of frustration, it shouldn't be as bad.  Things started to come together on Friday and I expect with each day things will continue to improve.

Wheeee!!!!!

Immediately after an IUI as I'm spending my 10 minutes lying on the table... I always imagine the sperm in my uterus celebrating and having a good old time... "Wheeeeee"!!!!!

Happy Waiting!

First, to all of you who were in your 2ww last week, I'm sorry.  Your week lasted what seemed like a month and it's my fault.  It was my last week at my consulting job and it was the LONGEST WEEK EVER!  Every minute seemed like an hour, every hour like a day.  And when Friday came, it wasn't over... it dragged through the weekend.  So for all of you who had to bear through last week waiting... I am so very sorry that I caused it to be such a terribly long week!

I am now 2 days into my new job at my old company.  I was a little worried about timing not one but TWO IUI's in the first few days of my new job, not knowing the commitments that my boss may expect of me this week, not knowing how I'd run off for the appointments (or exactly when they would be).  Thankfully, timing has worked out great so far.  My first IUI (I'm referring to as #4a) was today at 1:30 and I'll have another at 11am tomorrow (#4b).  This way we'll catch ovulation both early and right after ovulation begins.  

I'm feeling good about this month.  While I picked a new donor, last week was far too hectic to get through all of the paperwork and calls required of the new sperm bank.  The only time they had available to do the initial consultation call (which they require before sperm can be purchased) conflicted with a critical work meeting that I was leading.  I had already juggled things to get to my Sit Down with my RE last Monday.  It was too much to try to juggle more late in the week and then have to put a rush on the shipment.  With that, I decided not to create any more chaos.  I ordered 2 more vials from my original donor because I knew that could get done right away and make it in time for ovulation.  I'm really at peace with that decision... removing the added unnecessary chaos.  

And today my original donor didn't disappoint.  17million motile swimmers.  While I was walking to my car (several blocks from the new office) on my way to my IUI I could literally feel the two good follies on my right ovary ready to ovulate.  Everything about my IUI today felt right... and tomorrow it will just be icing.

Happy waiting!

The Sit Down

WOW!  I can't believe it's only Tuesday... it feels like it should be end of day Thursday!  It's my last week at my current job and they are taking advantage of every minute I have left...  plus, I like to leave things in the best condition possible for the people I'm transitioning my responsibilities to.  

My appointment with the doctor on Monday was at 3:30.  Due to work demands I had the appointment (scheduled 6 weeks ago) very carefully coordinated with my obligations.  I had an important meeting to facilitate at 3pm so I coordinated with a colleague to take over the meeting once I got it kicked off and on track.  I dialed back in on my cell phone and finished the meeting as I was walking into the reception area.  I had another meeting I needed to run at 4:30... lucky for me my office is less than 10 minutes from the RE clinic.  No problem... if the doctor was running on the schedule I planned!

When I got there the receptionist - who I really like - asked if I needed to run an errand and come back in 30 minutes because Dr. T was running behind...  I actually did need to run to Kinkos, not far away, to fax documentation to the new Sperm Bank... but I feared it would take too long...  so I just took a couple of work calls and coordinated moving my 4:30 meeting.  At 4:20 I went back to meet with Dr. T (yes, 50 minutes late).  

Dr. T was great.  She is very easy to talk with when you get her time.  We talked about my cycles, my numbers, etc.  My key question was about the timing of the IUI.  She offered a good option which is to do a late day IUI (rather than the standard 11am IUI) because of my ovulation timing in the last 3 cycles.  Additionally we'll do an IUI the next morning.  It's going to be twice the cost in donor sperm but I think it's worth a couple of tries. 

Because of my upcoming MUCH BETTER insurance coverage (due to the new job I start Monday) effective October 1, I agreed that 1 more cycle of Clomid (after this cycle), for a total of 4 Clomid cycles, would be good before moving to injectibles... and conversations about IVF.

Like I said, she is a talker when you actually get time with her...  we talked about the new Jennifer Aniston movie (the RE's had tickets for a screening tonight), compared expectations to the J. Lo movie and the reviews we heard about the "Kids are OK" movie which neither of us have seen yet.  We talked about Weight Watchers & exercise and carbs impact on cholesterol.  

I'm feeling better going into this cycle since everything is out of my control.  My biggest frustration has been the timing of the IUI since I am completely dependent on the doctor to put the Swimmers in the right place at the right time.  With the approach we discussed I feel better about the timing.  Now, time will tell.

It's a SMC TTC Kind of Day

Monday is the "sit down" I scheduled back with Dr. T back on the day I posted my rant Doctor Who? 

Of course, as I've mentioned in past blog posts, I have calmed down since then and my attitude is much better AND Dr. T was there to perform my IUI#3 last cycle.  

Today I have spent the day primarily focused on TTC activities.  I have been documenting the details of each cycle but I had not put them on a chart... Now everything is on charts.

Dr. T has not been happy with my donor counts since IUI#1 and recommended I find a new cryobank and donor Swimmers.  This morning I downloaded all of the forms necessary to order Swimmers.  I also took my previously narrowed down list of 12 to 6 and then to 2 (and "only" spending $190 on the "extras" to narrow it down).  I'm happy with either of the final two.  I hope they have good numbers... how do you know until they crack the vial just before the IUI?!?

Funny, picking the Swimmers the second time around was much easier.  I guess I learned from my first experience.  What's most important to me, after narrowing down by high level physical features (i.e. ethnicity), is medical history.  One of my favorite bloggers going through her second donor search did a blog on How to Choose a Sperm Donor just this week.

Next I need to write out my questions for my doctor...  Other than questions about 1) IUI timing, amount & progesterone levels,  and 2)  when do we need to get more aggressive/switch things up?  Anyone have input to other questions I should be asking???

  

Here She Comes! Here she IS!!!

I can feel the symptoms that AF is on her way and will be here soon.  So far she is a day late from my normal short cycle, due to the progesterone, I presume.  

The strange thing is that after this 3rd cycle BFN  - I'm not emotional.  The first two BFN's were CRAZY-disappointing!  I was in tears off & on as I 'grieved' the failed cycle.  This cycle I moved straight into acceptance.  I think after my emotional meltdown last time around I have come to accept that this IS a process and it is all a part of the JOURNEY of motherhood.  

No doubt I'm learning valuable lessons that I've not even yet recognized.  The one lesson I have come to recognize is PATIENCE...  I feel that I now have patience to go the distance, however far the distance may be...???

In the time it took to write this brief post, she arrived.  Welcome back, Aunt Flo and the start of Cycle #4 (and a new donor, yet to be identified).

New "old" service, new "old" job, new "old" company

Not much more than 10 years ago, an internet outage would not be a big deal... we were all still getting used to having the internet at home... now an outage creates much frustration...  I've not been able to work from home, I've not been able to blog, I have to email from my iPhone (that gets old), I have not been able to start searching for a new donor and I'm super-behind on Facebook on-goings!

After a week without internet service (and not the first time this summer) I decided to go back to my old provider... it was not as fast but at least it was always available.  

As you would expect, while I was waiting for the installation of the "new" (old) service today, the current service finally came back online... and has now been online for over FOUR HOURS!  As of this moment I have TWO strong connections in the house... I'm still dumping the inconsistent service because I am going to really rely on good service going forward because...

I'm going back to my "old" company... as in... I got a new job at the company that laid me off last year, the company to whom I'd dedicated 11 years!  I actually had TWO offers this week and just accepted the RIGHT one today.  

I've been looking at going back as my original plan was to retire with this company.  It really STUNG to be laid off, to put it mildly...  I had grown to have an ego about my career and I felt invincible to layoff's.  But in my ladder climbing I took a role that was  to take me to the next level and then the role turned out not to be what was promised (a whole other blog post is needed to cover this topic)... and that was the beginning of the end.  

I had an opportunity to go back immediately after the layoff, but at the time the environment had become toxic (I'm sure as many of you experienced at many other companies last year)... due to all of the layoffs taking place seemingly daily over several months... and the anxiety of the wait to find out if today would be the day they would cut me...  

I was so relieved when it finally happened!  The idea of going back at the time was nauseating.  If I had it to do over again, I would have gone right back... but there are no points for "armchair quarterback".

Over the last year I've had some great experiences and some truly crappy times.  After freelancing and realizing it wouldn't come close to covering my mortgage payment I went back to consulting for another company.  It pays the bills (quite well) but the benefits stink, there are no benefits.  The people are great, but the subject matter I'm working with is so very boring (to me) and I've not been challenged from the start.  It's been great for work-life balance, which is a new concept to me... but for someone who has defined so much of myself, my confidence from my professional abilities, I've been like a lost puppy, and gained 30lbs (that's another blog post too).  Now, I'm ready to go home.

And the ironic thing is I'll truly be HOME... home to the company where I've already invested 11 years... and from MY home.  It's a team that is all remote from all over the US.  While part of me is afraid I could go stir-crazy living alone, being single and working from home, right now I like the idea.   I'll save well over $1000 a year on parking.  I hope to make semi-frequent lunch plans with my stay-at-home mom friends to get me out of the home office during the day.  And just think of how much money I'll save because I wont need a professional maternity wardrobe!!!

So I need my reliable new "old" internet service to enable me to excel in my new "old" job with my new "old" company.  

Now I can still dream I'll get a BFP sometime in the next several days...  New job & new baby would make for the BEST 39th birthday... the best birthday ever!

**Note, I wrote this post Thursday night as a storm was blowing through... by the time I tried to post - I lost service on BOTH ISP's.  I'm back up on the new "old" service while the current service is still down.  Good decision on my part to switch!