Happy Waiting!

First, to all of you who were in your 2ww last week, I'm sorry.  Your week lasted what seemed like a month and it's my fault.  It was my last week at my consulting job and it was the LONGEST WEEK EVER!  Every minute seemed like an hour, every hour like a day.  And when Friday came, it wasn't over... it dragged through the weekend.  So for all of you who had to bear through last week waiting... I am so very sorry that I caused it to be such a terribly long week!

I am now 2 days into my new job at my old company.  I was a little worried about timing not one but TWO IUI's in the first few days of my new job, not knowing the commitments that my boss may expect of me this week, not knowing how I'd run off for the appointments (or exactly when they would be).  Thankfully, timing has worked out great so far.  My first IUI (I'm referring to as #4a) was today at 1:30 and I'll have another at 11am tomorrow (#4b).  This way we'll catch ovulation both early and right after ovulation begins.  

I'm feeling good about this month.  While I picked a new donor, last week was far too hectic to get through all of the paperwork and calls required of the new sperm bank.  The only time they had available to do the initial consultation call (which they require before sperm can be purchased) conflicted with a critical work meeting that I was leading.  I had already juggled things to get to my Sit Down with my RE last Monday.  It was too much to try to juggle more late in the week and then have to put a rush on the shipment.  With that, I decided not to create any more chaos.  I ordered 2 more vials from my original donor because I knew that could get done right away and make it in time for ovulation.  I'm really at peace with that decision... removing the added unnecessary chaos.  

And today my original donor didn't disappoint.  17million motile swimmers.  While I was walking to my car (several blocks from the new office) on my way to my IUI I could literally feel the two good follies on my right ovary ready to ovulate.  Everything about my IUI today felt right... and tomorrow it will just be icing.

Happy waiting!

Doctor Who???

I like my RE.  I love her nursing team.  I like the RE practice she's a part of.   I LOVE that in their practice only RE's do procedures, such as IUI's, rather than deferring to their nurses.  I LOVE her 30 years of experience and the fact that she's made it possible for countless children to be part of our world.  I enjoy the time I spend with her and appreciate her knowledge and guidance.

This is why I have strong feelings of guilt for feeling disappointed.  And it nags at me that it must be bad karma to feel frustrated.    But as hormonal as I am (and I know I am) I also know that I am justified in these feelings.  

AF arrived today.  Not a surprise and I was happy to see her come since I knew IUI#2 was not successful.  As necessary, I checked in by voicemail with her nursing team to let them know I started today and asked if I would see her Friday when I come in for my bloodwork & ultrasound; if not I'd like to have a few minutes with her (even by phone) to discuss what we have learned over the last two attempts.

The message back (unfortunately I was in a meeting) was to come in Friday, my doctor would not be available and I can sit down with her August 16th.  AUGUST 16!!!  

Now, I've only been TTC for two cycles, starting my third now.  In the two cycles, besides the countless days I have gone in for bloodwork, I have seen A doctor 6 times (ultrasounds & IUI's); I have seen MY doctor ONCE out of those six times; that was my first IUI on 6/3.  

I called back and left the nurse a message to book the appointment on August 16th but then listed out the questions I have (telling her since I'm paying out of pocket 100% I'd like to ensure whether one small tweak might make a difference):

•   I've only done medicated (Clomid & Ovadrel Trigger) cycles, what about unmedicated?
•   Since my progesterone is low, could the IUI's have been timed too late by waiting for a certain progesterone level before performing the IUI?

Afterwards, I had to walk away from my desk, from the office for 15 minutes because I was feeling so frustrated (and this is the polite word for how I was feeling).  If I didn't give into the anger, it would be tears.  I took a walk and was able to finish my day.

I missed the return call (poor cell service in my office) but saw the voicemail pop up from the clinic...  I couldn't bring myself to listen to the message while at work.  I had to finish my day, I had errands to run.  At 8:30 this evening I finally listened to the message (5 hours later).  Well, that (as I feared) just brought me to tears.

The message was that... perhaps it's best if I take this month off.  That way when my appointment with my doctor comes up I'm "early" in my next cycle.  -by the time August 16th comes I'll be 6 - 8 days into my next cycle.  I don't want to take a month off; I want to have a 10 minute conversation with my doctor!

I don't want to be angry, frustrated or disappointed with my doctor... I just want to talk to her about what we've learned over the last two months and what slight tweak in approach may bring about different results.  

I had hit acceptance with my failed second cycle until this came up, now I'm sad again.  I'm not typically a sad person... I don't like this feeling.