I like my RE. I love her nursing team. I like the RE practice she's a part of. I LOVE that in their practice only RE's do procedures, such as IUI's, rather than deferring to their nurses. I LOVE her 30 years of experience and the fact that she's made it possible for countless children to be part of our world. I enjoy the time I spend with her and appreciate her knowledge and guidance.
This is why I have strong feelings of guilt for feeling disappointed. And it nags at me that it must be bad karma to feel frustrated. But as hormonal as I am (and I know I am) I also know that I am justified in these feelings.
AF arrived today. Not a surprise and I was happy to see her come since I knew IUI#2 was not successful. As necessary, I checked in by voicemail with her nursing team to let them know I started today and asked if I would see her Friday when I come in for my bloodwork & ultrasound; if not I'd like to have a few minutes with her (even by phone) to discuss what we have learned over the last two attempts.
The message back (unfortunately I was in a meeting) was to come in Friday, my doctor would not be available and I can sit down with her August 16th. AUGUST 16!!!
Now, I've only been TTC for two cycles, starting my third now. In the two cycles, besides the countless days I have gone in for bloodwork, I have seen A doctor 6 times (ultrasounds & IUI's); I have seen MY doctor ONCE out of those six times; that was my first IUI on 6/3.
I called back and left the nurse a message to book the appointment on August 16th but then listed out the questions I have (telling her since I'm paying out of pocket 100% I'd like to ensure whether one small tweak might make a difference):
- I've only done medicated (Clomid & Ovadrel Trigger) cycles, what about unmedicated?
- Since my progesterone is low, could the IUI's have been timed too late by waiting for a certain progesterone level before performing the IUI?
Afterwards, I had to walk away from my desk, from the office for 15 minutes because I was feeling so frustrated (and this is the polite word for how I was feeling). If I didn't give into the anger, it would be tears. I took a walk and was able to finish my day.
I missed the return call (poor cell service in my office) but saw the voicemail pop up from the clinic... I couldn't bring myself to listen to the message while at work. I had to finish my day, I had errands to run. At 8:30 this evening I finally listened to the message (5 hours later). Well, that (as I feared) just brought me to tears.
The message was that... perhaps it's best if I take this month off. That way when my appointment with my doctor comes up I'm "early" in my next cycle. -by the time August 16th comes I'll be 6 - 8 days into my next cycle. I don't want to take a month off; I want to have a 10 minute conversation with my doctor!
I don't want to be angry, frustrated or disappointed with my doctor... I just want to talk to her about what we've learned over the last two months and what slight tweak in approach may bring about different results.
I had hit acceptance with my failed second cycle until this came up, now I'm sad again. I'm not typically a sad person... I don't like this feeling.