Doctor Who???

I like my RE.  I love her nursing team.  I like the RE practice she's a part of.   I LOVE that in their practice only RE's do procedures, such as IUI's, rather than deferring to their nurses.  I LOVE her 30 years of experience and the fact that she's made it possible for countless children to be part of our world.  I enjoy the time I spend with her and appreciate her knowledge and guidance.

This is why I have strong feelings of guilt for feeling disappointed.  And it nags at me that it must be bad karma to feel frustrated.    But as hormonal as I am (and I know I am) I also know that I am justified in these feelings.  

AF arrived today.  Not a surprise and I was happy to see her come since I knew IUI#2 was not successful.  As necessary, I checked in by voicemail with her nursing team to let them know I started today and asked if I would see her Friday when I come in for my bloodwork & ultrasound; if not I'd like to have a few minutes with her (even by phone) to discuss what we have learned over the last two attempts.

The message back (unfortunately I was in a meeting) was to come in Friday, my doctor would not be available and I can sit down with her August 16th.  AUGUST 16!!!  

Now, I've only been TTC for two cycles, starting my third now.  In the two cycles, besides the countless days I have gone in for bloodwork, I have seen A doctor 6 times (ultrasounds & IUI's); I have seen MY doctor ONCE out of those six times; that was my first IUI on 6/3.  

I called back and left the nurse a message to book the appointment on August 16th but then listed out the questions I have (telling her since I'm paying out of pocket 100% I'd like to ensure whether one small tweak might make a difference):

•   I've only done medicated (Clomid & Ovadrel Trigger) cycles, what about unmedicated?
•   Since my progesterone is low, could the IUI's have been timed too late by waiting for a certain progesterone level before performing the IUI?

Afterwards, I had to walk away from my desk, from the office for 15 minutes because I was feeling so frustrated (and this is the polite word for how I was feeling).  If I didn't give into the anger, it would be tears.  I took a walk and was able to finish my day.

I missed the return call (poor cell service in my office) but saw the voicemail pop up from the clinic...  I couldn't bring myself to listen to the message while at work.  I had to finish my day, I had errands to run.  At 8:30 this evening I finally listened to the message (5 hours later).  Well, that (as I feared) just brought me to tears.

The message was that... perhaps it's best if I take this month off.  That way when my appointment with my doctor comes up I'm "early" in my next cycle.  -by the time August 16th comes I'll be 6 - 8 days into my next cycle.  I don't want to take a month off; I want to have a 10 minute conversation with my doctor!

I don't want to be angry, frustrated or disappointed with my doctor... I just want to talk to her about what we've learned over the last two months and what slight tweak in approach may bring about different results.  

I had hit acceptance with my failed second cycle until this came up, now I'm sad again.  I'm not typically a sad person... I don't like this feeling.

I'm not a Doctor but I play one while TTC

I'm continuing to learn that when it comes to TTC, just like my career and all other aspects of life, no one looks out for your best interests better than YOU.  

I would have loved to become a doctor except I knew there was no way I could get past the blood, needles and knives part of the job description.  Now I'm one of those women who researches, researches, RESEARCHES!  Doctors must LOVE my kind...

I love my doctor and her nursing team.  She has gotten several women I know pregnant (a few in the first try) using the same method I'm going through.  She has been at this for 30 years, I've only been at this for 2 months...

I have been concerned about whether I am receiving treatment that is truly personalized to my body and cycle, or if that comes later once it takes X amount of times without conception.

A friend who is T42 - the "old fashioned way" recently learned that she has a Luteal Phase defect.  She ovulates late, has a short Luteal phase with low progesterone.

We already know that I have a shorter than normal cycle (26 days) and the last two months I've ovulated late (IUI day 15 last month, day 16 this month).  

My doctor uses progesterone level to determine the timing for the IUI.  However I am not on any post-IUI progesterone supplementation and my progesterone has not been tested during my luteal (post-ovulation) phase.  I've had this nagging feeling that my progesterone may not be high enough to support implantation.    I talked to my Mom about my concerns over the weekend and we agreed that if a simple blood test can put my mind at ease, then that's what I should do... I mean, I have become a human pin cushion the last several months, what's one more prick at my request?

Today I called the nurse and told her I need my progesterone tested to ease my nagging concerns.  She said that's fine and I'm going in tomorrow.  She said that testing Luteal progesterone is an 'eventual' test/diagnosis they go through.  I don't think that statement came across right to me.... my first thought is that while I appreciate a good 'process', this month's TTC cycle will cost me approximately $2000 (thanks to the use of the second vial, meds, ultrasounds, bloodwork several times, etc.).  

I'll happily take a $90 blood test to determine if I need a supplement to help with implantation and SUCCESS!