I've Got Nothing

Halfway through my 5th 2ww... I have nothing to share or offer.  Close your browser now if you don't want to read pessimistic jargon.

If I had to place a bet on my odds, I'd say I'm not pregnant.  Part of that is based on fear of getting my hopes up... but the rest is:

 

1.  3 days post IUI I had EWCM for the first time in months (the Clomid dried me up previously), 3 DAYS after my IUI
2. I have NO symptoms
3. I've been feeling PMS cramps since Saturday, 5 days post IUI... back cramps, not abdomen cramps
4. My BBT temps are pretty darn low, extremely low for this part of my cycle
5. 6.  7.  8.  9. 10. I'm just too afraid to get my hopes up that I might be pregnant for the known disappointment of a negative.

I'm committing to one more IUI cycle (after this cycle completes), for a total of six IUI cycles... and then I'm going to IVF.

I NEVER, never contemplated IVF when I started this process... I was going to get pregnant my first time out...  but now, I'm ready for IVF.  I believe IVF will give me the best opportunity to realize my dream, goal, destiny, of being a mom to a really great kid!

Sorry friends, I'd love to be a ray of sunshine... I'm just not feeling it.

Wanted: Politically Correct Porn Coordinator

So Dr. T was available to do my IUI yesterday.  The new swimmers were 30 million strong; they successfully survived the weekend on my kitchen table!  At this moment my big ole Follie either was fertilized or it wasn't... but I won't know for sure until sometime around October 4th.  

During the IUI preparation, I was explaining to Dr. T and my favorite RN S, the "drama" of last week which led to the need for me to spend the weekend with the Swimmers in the house.  Somehow this led to Dr. T talking about the questionable porn collection maintained in the collection rooms at the clinic.  One of her clients mentioned to her one of the titles found in the collection...  "Triple Midgets" (I have not googled this title)...  

S and I just started quietly cracking up as Dr. T explained that she went to Dr. W and asked him to screen the porn in the collection rooms to ensure it was "appropriate".  Apparently a few ladies in the Lab decided to "take one for the team" and screen Triple Midgets... and the consensus was it was just "wrong", plus it looked like it had been filmed in someone's garage... Big surprise?  

While Dr. T relating this story was truly funny, what made it hysterical was that my sweet nurse S was trying so hard to hold in her giggles without success and she seemed truly amazed that this was coming from Dr. T.  S kept looking at me and I kept looking at her and that made it worse, we were both in hysterics.

Hopefully laughter is EXCELLENT for an IUI... because if that is the case then I'd say this was a success.  

Cycle 5, Day 12... One Follie... early IUI

I am now entering the pre-ovulation phase for my 5th IUI cycle (pre-ovulation is my term, not a medical term).  This is my first cycle on the Femara & Gonal-F.  I've also been sick all week, my BBT has been OFF THE CHARTS... up to 1 full degree higher than my typical Luteal phase temp.  I assume it's the illness but wonder if the new drugs have anything to do with elevated temps?  I'm hoping I didn't FRY my eggs...

My CD12 ultrasound was this morning.  This month I have ONE good Follie, 24mm, on my left ovary (last month I had two 18mm follies on my right ovary).  Currently my right ovary has several follies less than 8mm...  basically they are taking the month off and letting this one follie on my left Ovary do all of the heavy lifting.

I'm happy with the 24mm Follie.  I'm just concerned that with the drug regimen I've just completed that there wasn't more than one.  Dr. T was actually the doctor in the office today so she mentioned that IF I need a 'next' cycle that she may put me on birth control first to suppress the cycle and ideally get both ovaries to produce some good Follies... this is something I know is usually done in IVF but she thought given what we've learned over my cycles that it would be good to add in for me in an IUI cycle.

Anyway, I've been instructed to trigger tonight and come in tomorrow morning... I guess Ovulation is imminent and so my IUI may be tomorrow instead of Tuesday.  

I'm actually really happy that my IUI will probably be tomorrow (except for my work schedule conflicts I'll have to juggle).  I was starting to feel a little foolish for having the Swimmers delivered to my house yesterday rather than counting on them being delivered to my clinic by Tuesday morning... cutting it very close for my originally anticipated Tuesday IUI.  IF I had not made that decision... I could have gone through this expensive cycle only to get to IUI day with no Swimmers.  

The swimmers, by the way, are still hanging out on the kitchen table.

The Swimmers are in the House

Just how many vials did I purchase, you ask?  Only two...  

I was talking with my friend R recently and we were cracking up because she was astounded at how much $$ money I was spending on sperm.  I'm paying top dollar for the stuff we usually snub, ick, get it off of me...  

And this stuff is also WASTED by millions of men in mass quantity every day... 


...yet I continue to shell out thousands of dollars for the tiniest little bit.

Seriously... if I can't laugh about it I would be crying!

The Best Laid Plans (part 1)

I had to travel for work this week.  I don't travel frequently with work these days, which I appreciate...  traveling is not so much fun anymore.  Especially this trip.

New Donor Dilemma 

Last week I made an appointment for my new Cryobank 'consult' which is required by this bank before sperm can be purchased.  Several weeks prior I had narrowed down my list of donors to two that I was very happy with.  The appointment was Monday morning, before I flew out on my business trip.  It was quick and painless, then I placed my order.  I was feeling relieved that I had that taken care of and my vials would be at the clinic with plenty of time to spare...

My first choice did not have IUI specimens available so I selected my second choice.  I requested the pregnancy stats for this donor to confirm he was "proven" so the woman on the phone worked to pull up a report while taking my information for my purchase.  Later, in flight, I realized I did not get my $ total that would be billed to my card OR the results of the pregnancy report...  

After landing, I carefully extracted myself from my co-workers and found a corner to call the bank and confirm these details.  Well, the donor I had just purchased has ZERO pregnancies reported in the 2 years he's been donating.  My heart dropped.  While his swimmers could be perfectly fine...  going into my 5th IUI at the age of 39 I did not want an unproven donor.  I told her to cancel my order and I'd call back.  

In the meantime I checked with my clinic about whether they could take unwashed (non-IUI) specimens - from the first donor - and do the prep work there at my clinic... they could but it would cost a TON more... and remember, I'm now doing 2 IUI's per cycle... double the cost!

So now my problem was I needed to look at other donors...  I didn't bring my personal laptop or bank research notes with me.  Why would I?  I had it taken care of before I left... or so I thought.  The research I did was so long ago I couldn't remember the others I had reviewed without my notes... and I wouldn't DARE pull up the Cryobank website on my work computer (it would be blocked anyway).  By Tuesday I realized my only choice was to wait until I get home Thursday night, pull out my notes, do my research and then make a new order on Friday for Monday delivery.  That would work, right?  Wrong.

Part 2 of this post will cover how sick and miserable I was when I got home last night... but that's not the problem with my revised plan.

Since my new bank is on Pacific Time, I got up this morning, went through my notes and revisited other donors that had been on my list from this bank.  I selected two more that were on my original list of top contenders AND cross referenced them on the DSR (that's one way to know they are "proven").  

Once the bank opened I called back and YES, my new proven first choice had plenty of IUI specimens available!!!  YEA! Since I expect my IUI to be Tuesday, I asked her to ship it today to be delivered to my clinic on Monday....  

And because nothing about this is simple - I was told that they can not send deliveries for Monday's.  They could ship it today to be delivered tomorrow (Saturday) when no one is at MY clinic to accept the shipment... but they will not allow the shipment to sit at FedEx on Sunday to be delivered Monday (my old bank did this because the nitrogen tank is good for 5 days).  

REALLY???

So I had to call my clinic to see if anyone can accept  the shipment on Saturday?  As expected, no.  The woman who receives all specimen shipments was quite surprised that they couldn't have it delivered on Monday (join the club)...  So I asked if I could have it delivered to my house and bring it to her Monday morning.  Yes.  She explained how I need to quickly open the tank when it arrives to verify that it's cold (if it's cold when it arrives, it will be cold until I get it to her Monday; if it's not - the bank needs to be notified).  

I can't help but wonder why every single step has to be such a chore... shouldn't things fall into place like it's meant to be?  This bank came highly recommended by my RE but from the start of my encounters with them, I've not had a good feeling...  I'm afraid I should have gone with my instinct... but now with timing, I'm in a bind.  This is just one aspect of a challenging week that threw all kinds of roadblocks my way; more to come.

Conclusion, my swimmers will be here, at my HOUSE, before 10:30am tomorrow.  I'll need to put them somewhere safe from two curious (but 'fixed') female dogs.  - sad attempt at humor, forgive me, I'm still sick.

Day 4 - Cycle 5... Injectables

I've not been sulking all week, it's been busy... I couldn't make time for blogging.  

Today is Day 4 of my 5th cycle.  I decided not to wait until next month to move to injectables (when my good insurance kicks in), rather I'll be changing things up this cycle.

The plan:

• Femara (pills) Day 3 - 7
• Gonal-F (injection) Day 8, 9, 10, 11
• Bloodwork/ultrasound Day 12
• Ovadrel Trigger - probably Day 12 or 13
• 2 IUI's (new bank & donor)

I have to travel for work this week - which means I have to travel with the Gonal-F pen.  I remember Paige went through this over the summer and had no problem at airport security.  I'm counting on that also - but do have a doctors note, just in case.   

I'm not excited about self-injecting 5 times this cycle...  but we must do what we must do!

On another note... my favorite nurse, S, was explaining the medication to me and said something about not having to pay for the Gonal-F...  I told her that in fact, I paid $200 for the Gonal F (plus all of the other drugs and the Progesterone suppositories - my total was $608).  She said she'd call the pharmacy... when my prescriptions arrived the next day - my credit card was only charged $348.  S saved me $260!!  I don't know what she did... but I'm sending her a thank you note!!

I'm praying the new protocol works... but I'm also coming to grips that moving to IVF may be a reality.

Can be seen in any light - one too many words displayed

BFN - 14dpiui #4

Angles & Lighting

During the testing period of any given 2ww I analyze the HPT 'stick' from every angle and in all different lights to see if there is the faintest hint of a line.  I've convinced myself a couple of times that I saw a 'shadow' but then couldn't find it 2 seconds later.  

Anyone else look at the stick from every angle, different rooms & lighting, standing on your head in order to magically see that second line?

Still waiting to see a distinguishable second line...

Tested today - 11dpiui, BFN

While it's still a bit early, I did test today... BFN.  I'm still holding out for a BFP over the holiday weekend!!!  

Yesterday I mentioned I'd been pleased with my BBT... today it was down 1/10 of a point from where it has been ranging.  It has been in the 98.4 - 98.6+ range over the last 3 days, which is higher than normal for my last several months Luteal phase.  Today it was at 98.3.  To be honest, I don't know how much stock to put in the BBT - what I have read is that it stays elevated during Luteal phase (and this is the case with me) and continues to be elevated OR EVEN climbs a bit after implantation.  

I slept well last night and I've been having the greatest dreams the last couple of nights about getting my BFP!!!  It's so REAL.... 

I forgot to test... sort of

Today is 10dpiui (counting the day of IUI).  Habitually, I'm an early tester.  Personally I've found early testing "easier" than waiting and waiting only to be disappointed.  Early testing allows for a gradual disappointment - or the earliest possible sign of a BFP!!!  

Throughout each 2ww I spend time negotiating with myself about when I'll start testing.  This is a constant debate during the 2ww that gets more difficult by the day.  At the beginning of this 2ww I decided I'd wait until 12dpiui to start testing (Saturday).  

When I went to bed last night I still was set on testing 12dpiui.  Problem is, ever since I wrote my last post talking about how I was managing my stress and not losing sleep, I've been waking up at 1:30am and unable to get back to sleep until 3 or 4am.  Yes, I'm tired.  But it's not work stress keeping me up (work is much better this week)...  it's just a million different things going through my head.   

So somewhere around 4am this morning I decided I was going to go ahead and test this morning.  

But when I woke up, took my BBT (I've been very happy with my BBT all week, nice and spiked), then got up and went to the bathroom...  I forgot to POAS (test).  Oops. Oh well.  I'll just wait until tomorrow... or maybe even Saturday.

Feeling good and praying for a BFP!!!

No Stressing Allowed

My IUI's were the highlight of my week (last week).   As reported, everything went very well with the first one.  The second one went well also (15million motile Swimmers) although the doctor on point for the IUI was running about 40 minutes late.  My appointment was at 11am and I had my first team meeting for my new job at 12pm.  There was nothing I could do about the doctor being late so I didn't let myself get worked up or stressed over it.  I had my IUI at 11:45 and laid on the table for about 8 minutes (shorter than normal but there is no scientific evidence that laying on the table after an IUI has any effect on pregnancy).  I was able to dial in to the meeting on my cell phone a few minutes after 12 as I calmly rushed to the office and joined the meeting in person 20 minutes late.  Nice first impression.   The photo is me on the phone as a child, stress free.

Actually, the first week of work was the worst first week of a new job I've ever experienced.  It started the Friday before when I emailed my new boss and asked her what time I should report in, who I should contact when I got there and if security had been worked out for my building access?  The building I was told I would spend my first week of work is the most secure building out of all of the buildings in this city occupied by this financial institution.  Anyway, my boss - who works in another city - never responded.

I decided 8:30am was a good time to show up Monday morning.  Of course when I got to the security desk there was no record of me.  I called my boss who told me to call Bob (like I know Bob).  Security looked up his number and I called Bob... and got his voicemail.  Remember, I don't know anyone in this division except for my boss since this was my first day back at this company (completely different division than before) after being gone for 18 months.  Long story short, a little more than an hour later I was finally authorized to get through security.  On a bright note, the guys at security were super nice!

The rest of the week went pretty much the same way... I received no on-boarding or directive.  There was no administrative assistant to work through my access to all of the various systems required.  I guess it was assumed that because I worked for the company previously I could handle all of it myself... except I aways had an admin to take care of those details in the past.  I worked through it but it was frustrating and a waste of time hunting through internal websites and loads of documentation to figure it all out.

This is the short version of the beyond frustrating week I had last week. I share this story only to explain that I managed the stress and frustration very well.  I knew it wasn't healthy for my Follies & Swimmers to let the stress take over or keep me up at night.  I did a lot of deep breathing, some stretching and refocusing my thoughts to remember what is important.  

While I expect next week to be a continuation of frustration, it shouldn't be as bad.  Things started to come together on Friday and I expect with each day things will continue to improve.

Wheeee!!!!!

Immediately after an IUI as I'm spending my 10 minutes lying on the table... I always imagine the sperm in my uterus celebrating and having a good old time... "Wheeeeee"!!!!!

Happy Waiting!

First, to all of you who were in your 2ww last week, I'm sorry.  Your week lasted what seemed like a month and it's my fault.  It was my last week at my consulting job and it was the LONGEST WEEK EVER!  Every minute seemed like an hour, every hour like a day.  And when Friday came, it wasn't over... it dragged through the weekend.  So for all of you who had to bear through last week waiting... I am so very sorry that I caused it to be such a terribly long week!

I am now 2 days into my new job at my old company.  I was a little worried about timing not one but TWO IUI's in the first few days of my new job, not knowing the commitments that my boss may expect of me this week, not knowing how I'd run off for the appointments (or exactly when they would be).  Thankfully, timing has worked out great so far.  My first IUI (I'm referring to as #4a) was today at 1:30 and I'll have another at 11am tomorrow (#4b).  This way we'll catch ovulation both early and right after ovulation begins.  

I'm feeling good about this month.  While I picked a new donor, last week was far too hectic to get through all of the paperwork and calls required of the new sperm bank.  The only time they had available to do the initial consultation call (which they require before sperm can be purchased) conflicted with a critical work meeting that I was leading.  I had already juggled things to get to my Sit Down with my RE last Monday.  It was too much to try to juggle more late in the week and then have to put a rush on the shipment.  With that, I decided not to create any more chaos.  I ordered 2 more vials from my original donor because I knew that could get done right away and make it in time for ovulation.  I'm really at peace with that decision... removing the added unnecessary chaos.  

And today my original donor didn't disappoint.  17million motile swimmers.  While I was walking to my car (several blocks from the new office) on my way to my IUI I could literally feel the two good follies on my right ovary ready to ovulate.  Everything about my IUI today felt right... and tomorrow it will just be icing.

Happy waiting!

The Sit Down

WOW!  I can't believe it's only Tuesday... it feels like it should be end of day Thursday!  It's my last week at my current job and they are taking advantage of every minute I have left...  plus, I like to leave things in the best condition possible for the people I'm transitioning my responsibilities to.  

My appointment with the doctor on Monday was at 3:30.  Due to work demands I had the appointment (scheduled 6 weeks ago) very carefully coordinated with my obligations.  I had an important meeting to facilitate at 3pm so I coordinated with a colleague to take over the meeting once I got it kicked off and on track.  I dialed back in on my cell phone and finished the meeting as I was walking into the reception area.  I had another meeting I needed to run at 4:30... lucky for me my office is less than 10 minutes from the RE clinic.  No problem... if the doctor was running on the schedule I planned!

When I got there the receptionist - who I really like - asked if I needed to run an errand and come back in 30 minutes because Dr. T was running behind...  I actually did need to run to Kinkos, not far away, to fax documentation to the new Sperm Bank... but I feared it would take too long...  so I just took a couple of work calls and coordinated moving my 4:30 meeting.  At 4:20 I went back to meet with Dr. T (yes, 50 minutes late).  

Dr. T was great.  She is very easy to talk with when you get her time.  We talked about my cycles, my numbers, etc.  My key question was about the timing of the IUI.  She offered a good option which is to do a late day IUI (rather than the standard 11am IUI) because of my ovulation timing in the last 3 cycles.  Additionally we'll do an IUI the next morning.  It's going to be twice the cost in donor sperm but I think it's worth a couple of tries. 

Because of my upcoming MUCH BETTER insurance coverage (due to the new job I start Monday) effective October 1, I agreed that 1 more cycle of Clomid (after this cycle), for a total of 4 Clomid cycles, would be good before moving to injectibles... and conversations about IVF.

Like I said, she is a talker when you actually get time with her...  we talked about the new Jennifer Aniston movie (the RE's had tickets for a screening tonight), compared expectations to the J. Lo movie and the reviews we heard about the "Kids are OK" movie which neither of us have seen yet.  We talked about Weight Watchers & exercise and carbs impact on cholesterol.  

I'm feeling better going into this cycle since everything is out of my control.  My biggest frustration has been the timing of the IUI since I am completely dependent on the doctor to put the Swimmers in the right place at the right time.  With the approach we discussed I feel better about the timing.  Now, time will tell.

It's a SMC TTC Kind of Day

Monday is the "sit down" I scheduled back with Dr. T back on the day I posted my rant Doctor Who? 

Of course, as I've mentioned in past blog posts, I have calmed down since then and my attitude is much better AND Dr. T was there to perform my IUI#3 last cycle.  

Today I have spent the day primarily focused on TTC activities.  I have been documenting the details of each cycle but I had not put them on a chart... Now everything is on charts.

Dr. T has not been happy with my donor counts since IUI#1 and recommended I find a new cryobank and donor Swimmers.  This morning I downloaded all of the forms necessary to order Swimmers.  I also took my previously narrowed down list of 12 to 6 and then to 2 (and "only" spending $190 on the "extras" to narrow it down).  I'm happy with either of the final two.  I hope they have good numbers... how do you know until they crack the vial just before the IUI?!?

Funny, picking the Swimmers the second time around was much easier.  I guess I learned from my first experience.  What's most important to me, after narrowing down by high level physical features (i.e. ethnicity), is medical history.  One of my favorite bloggers going through her second donor search did a blog on How to Choose a Sperm Donor just this week.

Next I need to write out my questions for my doctor...  Other than questions about 1) IUI timing, amount & progesterone levels,  and 2)  when do we need to get more aggressive/switch things up?  Anyone have input to other questions I should be asking???

  

Here She Comes! Here she IS!!!

I can feel the symptoms that AF is on her way and will be here soon.  So far she is a day late from my normal short cycle, due to the progesterone, I presume.  

The strange thing is that after this 3rd cycle BFN  - I'm not emotional.  The first two BFN's were CRAZY-disappointing!  I was in tears off & on as I 'grieved' the failed cycle.  This cycle I moved straight into acceptance.  I think after my emotional meltdown last time around I have come to accept that this IS a process and it is all a part of the JOURNEY of motherhood.  

No doubt I'm learning valuable lessons that I've not even yet recognized.  The one lesson I have come to recognize is PATIENCE...  I feel that I now have patience to go the distance, however far the distance may be...???

In the time it took to write this brief post, she arrived.  Welcome back, Aunt Flo and the start of Cycle #4 (and a new donor, yet to be identified).

New "old" service, new "old" job, new "old" company

Not much more than 10 years ago, an internet outage would not be a big deal... we were all still getting used to having the internet at home... now an outage creates much frustration...  I've not been able to work from home, I've not been able to blog, I have to email from my iPhone (that gets old), I have not been able to start searching for a new donor and I'm super-behind on Facebook on-goings!

After a week without internet service (and not the first time this summer) I decided to go back to my old provider... it was not as fast but at least it was always available.  

As you would expect, while I was waiting for the installation of the "new" (old) service today, the current service finally came back online... and has now been online for over FOUR HOURS!  As of this moment I have TWO strong connections in the house... I'm still dumping the inconsistent service because I am going to really rely on good service going forward because...

I'm going back to my "old" company... as in... I got a new job at the company that laid me off last year, the company to whom I'd dedicated 11 years!  I actually had TWO offers this week and just accepted the RIGHT one today.  

I've been looking at going back as my original plan was to retire with this company.  It really STUNG to be laid off, to put it mildly...  I had grown to have an ego about my career and I felt invincible to layoff's.  But in my ladder climbing I took a role that was  to take me to the next level and then the role turned out not to be what was promised (a whole other blog post is needed to cover this topic)... and that was the beginning of the end.  

I had an opportunity to go back immediately after the layoff, but at the time the environment had become toxic (I'm sure as many of you experienced at many other companies last year)... due to all of the layoffs taking place seemingly daily over several months... and the anxiety of the wait to find out if today would be the day they would cut me...  

I was so relieved when it finally happened!  The idea of going back at the time was nauseating.  If I had it to do over again, I would have gone right back... but there are no points for "armchair quarterback".

Over the last year I've had some great experiences and some truly crappy times.  After freelancing and realizing it wouldn't come close to covering my mortgage payment I went back to consulting for another company.  It pays the bills (quite well) but the benefits stink, there are no benefits.  The people are great, but the subject matter I'm working with is so very boring (to me) and I've not been challenged from the start.  It's been great for work-life balance, which is a new concept to me... but for someone who has defined so much of myself, my confidence from my professional abilities, I've been like a lost puppy, and gained 30lbs (that's another blog post too).  Now, I'm ready to go home.

And the ironic thing is I'll truly be HOME... home to the company where I've already invested 11 years... and from MY home.  It's a team that is all remote from all over the US.  While part of me is afraid I could go stir-crazy living alone, being single and working from home, right now I like the idea.   I'll save well over $1000 a year on parking.  I hope to make semi-frequent lunch plans with my stay-at-home mom friends to get me out of the home office during the day.  And just think of how much money I'll save because I wont need a professional maternity wardrobe!!!

So I need my reliable new "old" internet service to enable me to excel in my new "old" job with my new "old" company.  

Now I can still dream I'll get a BFP sometime in the next several days...  New job & new baby would make for the BEST 39th birthday... the best birthday ever!

**Note, I wrote this post Thursday night as a storm was blowing through... by the time I tried to post - I lost service on BOTH ISP's.  I'm back up on the new "old" service while the current service is still down.  Good decision on my part to switch!

IUI #3

The Good News!

• I ovulated naturally (drug-free cycle)!!!
• My IUI progesterone was 1.6 
• Doctor likes it to be 1.5ish so it was right there in range
• The IUI was on Thursday, July 29
• Is it ironic that this day was my last long-term boyfriend's birthday?  One of the biggest factors in ending things was that although I wanted a child but I couldn't imagine it would be a good thing to have a child with him. 
• Donor Swimmers were 11MM strong
• Not the greatest number but not bad... it only takes ONE
• My doctor was in the office, she did my IUI!
• I went in the day before for bloodwork and I would not have seen her if my IUI was that day
• I have my progesterone supplements and will start them at the RIGHT time this cycle
• Last month (first time on progesterone) I didn't start until 8 1/2 dpiui
• My Beta date is Tuesday, August 10
• I turn 39 on the 7th so the ongoing debate will be....  do I test on my birthday or not?

The Other News...

My doctor is concerned with my donor's counts and recommended I consider finding another.  I've been thinking about this anyway.  This was my last vial from my original order so it's a good time to switch things up (if this cycle doesn't take).  While my original Swimmer Picker Party was a BLAST, I've had some regrets that I made the choice so public with my (close) friends.  This will give me the opportunity to use what I've learned and quietly make my own selection; no one else will know the details.

The O Wait

Now into my third cycle TTC, I can definitely say that the period between AF and Ovulation is the most boring part of the cycle.  There's nothing going on, you KNOW there is not a chance you could be pregnant, and you don't really do anything... until CD10 when you start peeing on a stick.  

I find that I blog little to none (although I still read other blogs) during the O wait.  It is refreshing because I don't think about TTC all of the time during the O wait... I think about it MUCH MUCH LESS than during the actual 2WW.  

I'm excited to spend the next couple of days with my oldest friend in the world (not in age).  Our mom's were pregnant with us at the same time (R is two months older) and lived one house apart.  We grew up one house apart and, to this day, our parents still live in those same houses.  

R is coming up from Florida for a relaxing weekend, we go for massages later this afternoon.  

Change of subject:

By the way... Since I couldn't talk to my doctor I decided to do this cycle unmedicated.  Once I POAS and it shows Ovulation, I'll go in for bloodwork and hopefully my IUI.  I will still need a progesterone supplement during the 2WW but no Clomid or Trigger shot this month.  I'm not necessarily confident that this is the best approach but since I couldn't ask my doctor and I wanted to try unmedicated, here I am.  I still have hope this cycle will be successful - I'm just not banking on it.

Doctor Who???

I like my RE.  I love her nursing team.  I like the RE practice she's a part of.   I LOVE that in their practice only RE's do procedures, such as IUI's, rather than deferring to their nurses.  I LOVE her 30 years of experience and the fact that she's made it possible for countless children to be part of our world.  I enjoy the time I spend with her and appreciate her knowledge and guidance.

This is why I have strong feelings of guilt for feeling disappointed.  And it nags at me that it must be bad karma to feel frustrated.    But as hormonal as I am (and I know I am) I also know that I am justified in these feelings.  

AF arrived today.  Not a surprise and I was happy to see her come since I knew IUI#2 was not successful.  As necessary, I checked in by voicemail with her nursing team to let them know I started today and asked if I would see her Friday when I come in for my bloodwork & ultrasound; if not I'd like to have a few minutes with her (even by phone) to discuss what we have learned over the last two attempts.

The message back (unfortunately I was in a meeting) was to come in Friday, my doctor would not be available and I can sit down with her August 16th.  AUGUST 16!!!  

Now, I've only been TTC for two cycles, starting my third now.  In the two cycles, besides the countless days I have gone in for bloodwork, I have seen A doctor 6 times (ultrasounds & IUI's); I have seen MY doctor ONCE out of those six times; that was my first IUI on 6/3.  

I called back and left the nurse a message to book the appointment on August 16th but then listed out the questions I have (telling her since I'm paying out of pocket 100% I'd like to ensure whether one small tweak might make a difference):

•   I've only done medicated (Clomid & Ovadrel Trigger) cycles, what about unmedicated?
•   Since my progesterone is low, could the IUI's have been timed too late by waiting for a certain progesterone level before performing the IUI?

Afterwards, I had to walk away from my desk, from the office for 15 minutes because I was feeling so frustrated (and this is the polite word for how I was feeling).  If I didn't give into the anger, it would be tears.  I took a walk and was able to finish my day.

I missed the return call (poor cell service in my office) but saw the voicemail pop up from the clinic...  I couldn't bring myself to listen to the message while at work.  I had to finish my day, I had errands to run.  At 8:30 this evening I finally listened to the message (5 hours later).  Well, that (as I feared) just brought me to tears.

The message was that... perhaps it's best if I take this month off.  That way when my appointment with my doctor comes up I'm "early" in my next cycle.  -by the time August 16th comes I'll be 6 - 8 days into my next cycle.  I don't want to take a month off; I want to have a 10 minute conversation with my doctor!

I don't want to be angry, frustrated or disappointed with my doctor... I just want to talk to her about what we've learned over the last two months and what slight tweak in approach may bring about different results.  

I had hit acceptance with my failed second cycle until this came up, now I'm sad again.  I'm not typically a sad person... I don't like this feeling.