Doctor Who???

I like my RE.  I love her nursing team.  I like the RE practice she's a part of.   I LOVE that in their practice only RE's do procedures, such as IUI's, rather than deferring to their nurses.  I LOVE her 30 years of experience and the fact that she's made it possible for countless children to be part of our world.  I enjoy the time I spend with her and appreciate her knowledge and guidance.

This is why I have strong feelings of guilt for feeling disappointed.  And it nags at me that it must be bad karma to feel frustrated.    But as hormonal as I am (and I know I am) I also know that I am justified in these feelings.  

AF arrived today.  Not a surprise and I was happy to see her come since I knew IUI#2 was not successful.  As necessary, I checked in by voicemail with her nursing team to let them know I started today and asked if I would see her Friday when I come in for my bloodwork & ultrasound; if not I'd like to have a few minutes with her (even by phone) to discuss what we have learned over the last two attempts.

The message back (unfortunately I was in a meeting) was to come in Friday, my doctor would not be available and I can sit down with her August 16th.  AUGUST 16!!!  

Now, I've only been TTC for two cycles, starting my third now.  In the two cycles, besides the countless days I have gone in for bloodwork, I have seen A doctor 6 times (ultrasounds & IUI's); I have seen MY doctor ONCE out of those six times; that was my first IUI on 6/3.  

I called back and left the nurse a message to book the appointment on August 16th but then listed out the questions I have (telling her since I'm paying out of pocket 100% I'd like to ensure whether one small tweak might make a difference):

•   I've only done medicated (Clomid & Ovadrel Trigger) cycles, what about unmedicated?
•   Since my progesterone is low, could the IUI's have been timed too late by waiting for a certain progesterone level before performing the IUI?

Afterwards, I had to walk away from my desk, from the office for 15 minutes because I was feeling so frustrated (and this is the polite word for how I was feeling).  If I didn't give into the anger, it would be tears.  I took a walk and was able to finish my day.

I missed the return call (poor cell service in my office) but saw the voicemail pop up from the clinic...  I couldn't bring myself to listen to the message while at work.  I had to finish my day, I had errands to run.  At 8:30 this evening I finally listened to the message (5 hours later).  Well, that (as I feared) just brought me to tears.

The message was that... perhaps it's best if I take this month off.  That way when my appointment with my doctor comes up I'm "early" in my next cycle.  -by the time August 16th comes I'll be 6 - 8 days into my next cycle.  I don't want to take a month off; I want to have a 10 minute conversation with my doctor!

I don't want to be angry, frustrated or disappointed with my doctor... I just want to talk to her about what we've learned over the last two months and what slight tweak in approach may bring about different results.  

I had hit acceptance with my failed second cycle until this came up, now I'm sad again.  I'm not typically a sad person... I don't like this feeling.

BFN #1 and at the Starting Line Again

My Two Week Wait ended early with a BFN (Big Fat Negative).

All through my first cycle of trying I had convinced myself that I was going to be one of the lucky ones that gets pregnant on the first try.  Even my RE said everything was exactly as she likes it to be at the time of my IUI; I was sure that was a sign it would be successful.  My mindset could be called "the power of positive thinking" or optimism... the only problem is it didn't prepare me for dealing with a Negative.

I was supposed to test Thursday, June 17, and no earlier per my RE.  Of course, I took my first test on Monday and it was Negative.  I was really disappointed (all day) even though it was earlier than the doctor instructed.  I was 12 days past IUI and that really should have been enough time to show a positive - if I was pregnant.  

Tuesday was worse...  I convinced myself NOT to test on Tuesday so my day wouldn't be impacted if I got a negative again.  But it was still bothering me... That morning I met with my nutritionist, however less than 10 minutes into her session I told her I couldn't concentrate, we needed to reschedule and I walked out blinking back tears.  

When I got to the office and went to the bathroom, I was spotting.  (Beware, this may be TMI)  The spotting was clotty and not my usual pre-period spotting so I wanted to believe it was Implantation Bleeding.  I knew that wasn't logical either - it was past the time I would experience Implantation Bleeding.  

By Tuesday evening, Flo had made her appearance.  While still disappointed, I accepted that it didn't happen on the first try.  And I felt some satisfaction that at least I was straight into my next cycle (no waiting between BFN and starting again).

Here's hoping & praying that the second time is the charm!

Making it through the Two Week Wait

I'm in the midst of my Two Week Wait (2ww).  The doctor instructed me not to test until Thursday (2 weeks to the day from my IUI).  Since I told myself that I need to enjoy the process I compiled a list of things to do to pass the time during the wait.

• Search for a new job with great benefits (if you need one) 
• Rent a boat for a day on the lake with friends
• Get together with local SMC's
• Visit with family
• Train your dogs
• Finally get the cracks in your windshield fixed
• Try new recipes; perfect old ones
• Deep clean your kitchen
• Read a good book (not about having/raising a baby)
• Yard work
• Catch up with old friends
• Pray...

I've done all of these things and a few more... yet I find the later half of the 2ww wait to be the toughest part.  This is going to be tough emotionally the more cycles I have to go through it...  

How have you distracted yourself during the 2ww?


*Puppy on top-right is Izzy (Australian Shepherd/Lab rescue) 20 months old
*Puppy on bottom-left is Faithy (Lab rescue) 16 months old

Timing is Everything

I had my annual beach trip with some of my dearest friends from college last week.  I realized it may be my last 'hurrah' before pregnancy.

I had been watching my cycle carefully because I've learned, when you are going through assisted fertility, your cycle dictates your life.  You must be in town during certain days of your cycle for certain tests and procedures.  Makes sense.

So as this cycle began, the timing interfered with my beach trip.  "Unfortunately" it means that I had to depart from my annual beach trip a day (well, 14 hours) early to be back for more bloodwork.  If things were one day later, I'd be in the clear (for my trip)... but then again, one day earlier.... that would REALLY have interfered with my trip.  

Thankfully, all of my girlfriends are so wonderfully supportive. They are more than ready for me to join the ranks of motherhood.