Call me Crazy... and hopeful

It turns out the dogs did not get their day at the park on Sunday... I kept getting emotional so I never actually left the house...  but you all were right, based on your comments... I needed to cry it out.  And cry it out I did!!!   Your feedback was so therapeutic... even though it did make me cry even more at the time...  your support was key to my healing.

Monday, I felt much better.  I wasn't happy that I just experienced another BFN... but I felt I had done my grieving for the cycle and hit acceptance.

I felt the same way when I got up this morning.  But as any long-term TTC-er will do, until AF arrives, you must POAS.  This morning I did POAS first thing.  And when I saw the white space with the single line I dismissed it without the typical over-analyzation of the 2ww....  I had already stopped my progesterone supplements and notified the nurse on Monday about my BFN.

So during my 8:30 conference call, I pick up the stick...  suddenly, I realized (while on Mute) that there is something resembling a second line... something more than I've seen in all of these months of HPT testing.  It was faint... very faint.  I walked out to my backyard where the sunlight was streaming to verify whether I was actually seeing something...  I think I do...  it certainly looks like there could be something that looks like a line, at a certain angle, in good sunlight...

I grab my last digital test and go back to the bathroom where the cup still sits (I don't actually POAS... I use little disposable shot glass size cups).  While I wait for the digital HPT to process... I start to worry since I didn't take my progesterone yesterday.  If I actually am pregnant... then I need my progesterone... but if I'm not pregnant... I don't want to take the progesterone and delay my cycle further .  

And still, while I'm waiting for the digital HPT to process, I looked at the stick again in the sunlight... and still think I might see something...  so I decided that it didn't matter what the digital said... I needed a Beta (bloodwork) to know for sure.  

The digital processed a... BFN.  I still picked up my cell phone and left the nurse a message that I wanted a bloodtest to verify whether or not I'm pregnant.  

So be it... blood drawn... I'm either pregnant or crazy...

The nurse called, the blood test was negative.  Insanity confirmed!

I knew with the whole swirl of the morning that it was a long shot and it could be my eyes/mind playing tricks on me...  AND IT WAS...  but the HOPE I felt, I have not felt that kind of hope in a long time... not since before the first or second BFN.  It felt good!  It felt REAL.  It was the closest to feeling like it WILL happen for me that I've felt in so long...

I didn't have to mourn the confirmed BFN today...  while I would have been thrilled if I were pregnant... the feeling of true hope... I can't explain how good it felt!

So while I'm about to start my 6th IUI cycle (AF started her visit late today)... I went ahead and scheduled an IVF consult with my doctor for Nov 2... which should be right around the end of my 6th 2ww...  but I don't want to wait until a 6th BFN to be confirmed to schedule the appointment for IVF consultation...  because at that point it would be January before I could start an IVF cycle...  this way... my November cycle will be the start of my IVF cycle (if need be).

Sorry for the long play-by-play, my friends.  Just sharing.

I've Got Nothing

Halfway through my 5th 2ww... I have nothing to share or offer.  Close your browser now if you don't want to read pessimistic jargon.

If I had to place a bet on my odds, I'd say I'm not pregnant.  Part of that is based on fear of getting my hopes up... but the rest is:

 

1.  3 days post IUI I had EWCM for the first time in months (the Clomid dried me up previously), 3 DAYS after my IUI
2. I have NO symptoms
3. I've been feeling PMS cramps since Saturday, 5 days post IUI... back cramps, not abdomen cramps
4. My BBT temps are pretty darn low, extremely low for this part of my cycle
5. 6.  7.  8.  9. 10. I'm just too afraid to get my hopes up that I might be pregnant for the known disappointment of a negative.

I'm committing to one more IUI cycle (after this cycle completes), for a total of six IUI cycles... and then I'm going to IVF.

I NEVER, never contemplated IVF when I started this process... I was going to get pregnant my first time out...  but now, I'm ready for IVF.  I believe IVF will give me the best opportunity to realize my dream, goal, destiny, of being a mom to a really great kid!

Sorry friends, I'd love to be a ray of sunshine... I'm just not feeling it.

I forgot to test... sort of

Today is 10dpiui (counting the day of IUI).  Habitually, I'm an early tester.  Personally I've found early testing "easier" than waiting and waiting only to be disappointed.  Early testing allows for a gradual disappointment - or the earliest possible sign of a BFP!!!  

Throughout each 2ww I spend time negotiating with myself about when I'll start testing.  This is a constant debate during the 2ww that gets more difficult by the day.  At the beginning of this 2ww I decided I'd wait until 12dpiui to start testing (Saturday).  

When I went to bed last night I still was set on testing 12dpiui.  Problem is, ever since I wrote my last post talking about how I was managing my stress and not losing sleep, I've been waking up at 1:30am and unable to get back to sleep until 3 or 4am.  Yes, I'm tired.  But it's not work stress keeping me up (work is much better this week)...  it's just a million different things going through my head.   

So somewhere around 4am this morning I decided I was going to go ahead and test this morning.  

But when I woke up, took my BBT (I've been very happy with my BBT all week, nice and spiked), then got up and went to the bathroom...  I forgot to POAS (test).  Oops. Oh well.  I'll just wait until tomorrow... or maybe even Saturday.

Feeling good and praying for a BFP!!!

Happy Waiting!

First, to all of you who were in your 2ww last week, I'm sorry.  Your week lasted what seemed like a month and it's my fault.  It was my last week at my consulting job and it was the LONGEST WEEK EVER!  Every minute seemed like an hour, every hour like a day.  And when Friday came, it wasn't over... it dragged through the weekend.  So for all of you who had to bear through last week waiting... I am so very sorry that I caused it to be such a terribly long week!

I am now 2 days into my new job at my old company.  I was a little worried about timing not one but TWO IUI's in the first few days of my new job, not knowing the commitments that my boss may expect of me this week, not knowing how I'd run off for the appointments (or exactly when they would be).  Thankfully, timing has worked out great so far.  My first IUI (I'm referring to as #4a) was today at 1:30 and I'll have another at 11am tomorrow (#4b).  This way we'll catch ovulation both early and right after ovulation begins.  

I'm feeling good about this month.  While I picked a new donor, last week was far too hectic to get through all of the paperwork and calls required of the new sperm bank.  The only time they had available to do the initial consultation call (which they require before sperm can be purchased) conflicted with a critical work meeting that I was leading.  I had already juggled things to get to my Sit Down with my RE last Monday.  It was too much to try to juggle more late in the week and then have to put a rush on the shipment.  With that, I decided not to create any more chaos.  I ordered 2 more vials from my original donor because I knew that could get done right away and make it in time for ovulation.  I'm really at peace with that decision... removing the added unnecessary chaos.  

And today my original donor didn't disappoint.  17million motile swimmers.  While I was walking to my car (several blocks from the new office) on my way to my IUI I could literally feel the two good follies on my right ovary ready to ovulate.  Everything about my IUI today felt right... and tomorrow it will just be icing.

Happy waiting!

The O Wait

Now into my third cycle TTC, I can definitely say that the period between AF and Ovulation is the most boring part of the cycle.  There's nothing going on, you KNOW there is not a chance you could be pregnant, and you don't really do anything... until CD10 when you start peeing on a stick.  

I find that I blog little to none (although I still read other blogs) during the O wait.  It is refreshing because I don't think about TTC all of the time during the O wait... I think about it MUCH MUCH LESS than during the actual 2WW.  

I'm excited to spend the next couple of days with my oldest friend in the world (not in age).  Our mom's were pregnant with us at the same time (R is two months older) and lived one house apart.  We grew up one house apart and, to this day, our parents still live in those same houses.  

R is coming up from Florida for a relaxing weekend, we go for massages later this afternoon.  

Change of subject:

By the way... Since I couldn't talk to my doctor I decided to do this cycle unmedicated.  Once I POAS and it shows Ovulation, I'll go in for bloodwork and hopefully my IUI.  I will still need a progesterone supplement during the 2WW but no Clomid or Trigger shot this month.  I'm not necessarily confident that this is the best approach but since I couldn't ask my doctor and I wanted to try unmedicated, here I am.  I still have hope this cycle will be successful - I'm just not banking on it.

Knock me up, please!

Today was the day for my second attempt to get pregnant!  I had to wait an extra couple of days (today is CD16).  The OPK has been smiling since Monday evening (still smiling) and my progesterone today was 2.08 (yesterday it was 0.45).  My doctor likes any progesterone over 1.5.

Upon thawing out my Swimmers for their mission, they were only at 8mm (last month they were at 22mm).  How can the same donor differ so much? My clinic put an inquiry into the cryobank (which will take about 10 days for response).  Since today was the day, I didn't hesitate when asked if I wanted to open and add a second vial to the mix (that makes $1260 in Swimmers used today), leaving me with one vial left (originally ordered four).  Here's hoping that last vial is never needed!

This combined set of Swimmers had good numbers.  The total was 23mm, 90% motility.  Great numbers, but I expected that from a single vial!

My doctor and nurse are on vacation this week so another doctor performed the IUI.  He was very good, explained things as he went (I like doctors who tell me what's going on and what it means... I'm the kind of person who needs to understand the details).

My official test date is July 12.  My expected AF date is July 11.... here's hoping AF doesn't come for a long, long, long (x40 weeks) time!

Positive thoughts & Baby Dust!!!

Making it through the Two Week Wait

I'm in the midst of my Two Week Wait (2ww).  The doctor instructed me not to test until Thursday (2 weeks to the day from my IUI).  Since I told myself that I need to enjoy the process I compiled a list of things to do to pass the time during the wait.

• Search for a new job with great benefits (if you need one) 
• Rent a boat for a day on the lake with friends
• Get together with local SMC's
• Visit with family
• Train your dogs
• Finally get the cracks in your windshield fixed
• Try new recipes; perfect old ones
• Deep clean your kitchen
• Read a good book (not about having/raising a baby)
• Yard work
• Catch up with old friends
• Pray...

I've done all of these things and a few more... yet I find the later half of the 2ww wait to be the toughest part.  This is going to be tough emotionally the more cycles I have to go through it...  

How have you distracted yourself during the 2ww?


*Puppy on top-right is Izzy (Australian Shepherd/Lab rescue) 20 months old
*Puppy on bottom-left is Faithy (Lab rescue) 16 months old