Pregnant or Just Crazy?

Today I am 9dpiui. This is the best week I can recall having in a very long time... perhaps since my first IUI cycle in May.  I have been optimistic about IUI#6 and I continue to be optimistic.  This makes me quite happy!

Those who have followed my blog through my cycles know that I tend to get pessimistic in the second week of the 2ww.  I know that pessimism is to soften the brutal blow of a potential BFN, because each BFN hurts.  This month I'm realizing that the pessimism has been fueled by lack of the slightest, smallest symptom.

IUI#6 Symptom run down (IUI was Tues. 10/19, I think I ovulated the night before):

• Sunday 
• BBT dropped to 97.5, the two previous days were 98.2 & 98.4 (the "dip"?)
• Occasional pressure, like a bruise being pushed on, in my abdomen (implementation cramping?)
• Monday 
• BBT jumped to 98.6
• Specks of blood on TP 3 times (implantation bleeding?)
• Occasional abdomen pressure/cramping
• Tuesday
• Boobs slightly tender when sleeping on stomach
• BBT still 98.6
• Wednesday
• BBT at 98.4
• Boobs still occasionally tender, just feel different than norm
• Thursday
• BBT at 98.4
• Boobs still have that different feeling
• Lower back cramping, but different than AF cramping

Conclusion:

I don't know!?!  This is different than my previous 5 IUI cycles.  I really think I could be pregnant but I cant be sure... could I just have gone insane?  Could I be imagining the "symptoms"?  This is why I actually took a photo of TP #2 - which had the least amount of specks... but I wanted evidence that I saw something, because by now I'd be telling myself I didn't (but I did!).

To POAS or Not to POAS...

My beta date is Tuesday (and as mentioned before, that's also the date of my IVF consult).  Of course, if implantation happened so early (Sun//Mon) then by Saturday my HCG should register.  I told myself if my symptoms got stronger I could test as early as Friday, but I wouldn't say symptoms have gotten any stronger than earlier this week.  

I have been planning all along to POAS on Sunday so I could begin to cope with a BFN if that was the result.  BUT...  I really am enjoying this week believing I could actually be pregnant.  If I actually am pregnant, I want to know as soon as I can know... but if I'm not pregnant I don't want to ruin that feeling by finding out too soon that I'm not pregnant, just crazy.  

Call me Crazy... and hopeful

It turns out the dogs did not get their day at the park on Sunday... I kept getting emotional so I never actually left the house...  but you all were right, based on your comments... I needed to cry it out.  And cry it out I did!!!   Your feedback was so therapeutic... even though it did make me cry even more at the time...  your support was key to my healing.

Monday, I felt much better.  I wasn't happy that I just experienced another BFN... but I felt I had done my grieving for the cycle and hit acceptance.

I felt the same way when I got up this morning.  But as any long-term TTC-er will do, until AF arrives, you must POAS.  This morning I did POAS first thing.  And when I saw the white space with the single line I dismissed it without the typical over-analyzation of the 2ww....  I had already stopped my progesterone supplements and notified the nurse on Monday about my BFN.

So during my 8:30 conference call, I pick up the stick...  suddenly, I realized (while on Mute) that there is something resembling a second line... something more than I've seen in all of these months of HPT testing.  It was faint... very faint.  I walked out to my backyard where the sunlight was streaming to verify whether I was actually seeing something...  I think I do...  it certainly looks like there could be something that looks like a line, at a certain angle, in good sunlight...

I grab my last digital test and go back to the bathroom where the cup still sits (I don't actually POAS... I use little disposable shot glass size cups).  While I wait for the digital HPT to process... I start to worry since I didn't take my progesterone yesterday.  If I actually am pregnant... then I need my progesterone... but if I'm not pregnant... I don't want to take the progesterone and delay my cycle further .  

And still, while I'm waiting for the digital HPT to process, I looked at the stick again in the sunlight... and still think I might see something...  so I decided that it didn't matter what the digital said... I needed a Beta (bloodwork) to know for sure.  

The digital processed a... BFN.  I still picked up my cell phone and left the nurse a message that I wanted a bloodtest to verify whether or not I'm pregnant.  

So be it... blood drawn... I'm either pregnant or crazy...

The nurse called, the blood test was negative.  Insanity confirmed!

I knew with the whole swirl of the morning that it was a long shot and it could be my eyes/mind playing tricks on me...  AND IT WAS...  but the HOPE I felt, I have not felt that kind of hope in a long time... not since before the first or second BFN.  It felt good!  It felt REAL.  It was the closest to feeling like it WILL happen for me that I've felt in so long...

I didn't have to mourn the confirmed BFN today...  while I would have been thrilled if I were pregnant... the feeling of true hope... I can't explain how good it felt!

So while I'm about to start my 6th IUI cycle (AF started her visit late today)... I went ahead and scheduled an IVF consult with my doctor for Nov 2... which should be right around the end of my 6th 2ww...  but I don't want to wait until a 6th BFN to be confirmed to schedule the appointment for IVF consultation...  because at that point it would be January before I could start an IVF cycle...  this way... my November cycle will be the start of my IVF cycle (if need be).

Sorry for the long play-by-play, my friends.  Just sharing.