My Follies are Growing... fa la la la la...

Follicle report: 17, 13, 12, 11, 11, 11, 10, 7, 6, 5. 

Estrogen 266
Progesterone 0.207

Started Ganirelix, actually Cetrotide, to prevent ovulation.  Continuing 10 units of low dose HCG and 300iu of Gonal-F every evening through Wednesday.  I had to order one more Gonal-F pen... I was one dose short.


Next monitoring appointment will be Thursday morning.  My retrieval will be this weekend, probably Saturday.  I cheered when I heard it would be over the weekend - I wont have to be out of work until the transfer.  If the embies will make it, a 5-day transfer will be Thursday.  I couldn't be more pleased about the timing (from a work impact perspective), it will make my lack of explanation for my time off easier to pull off!

And the Christmas Tree went up yesterday!

Passing the Cherry

I was just tapped for a Blogger Award, thanks to Gille at Endo and the Single Girl.

The rules of the award are these: 

1. Link back to the person who gave it to you
2. Pass it on to five (or more) other blogs
3. Leave them a comment telling them about the award 

I'm going to pass this on to some of the bloggers I've been following for a short time and a couple of Twitter friends.

• Mickey at One Good Egg 

• Jeri at Scrambled Eggs

• Mummy in Waiting at Maybe Baby (or maybe the looney bin)

• InBetween

• My So Called (TTC) Life

Thankful to be Single

Monday night was one of those moments that make me feel very alone, the kind of alone that makes me feel sad and resentful that I don't have someone special in my life, a husband.  I was frustrated from work and overwhelmed with starting my IVF injections - I really just wanted someone else to take over and figure it out for me.  But as soon as the pharmacist calmed my fears, I was fine again.  After five days of injections, it's old school for me now.

I'm actually thankful that I'm going to have this baby on my own.  I have too many friends, divorced, that have to deal with terrible custody issues with their ex's.

I have sat in court in support of a friend, G, who's ex was dragging not only G, but G's children into court to testify in a custody hearing.  He didn't have a job, didn't pay child support, had roommates and no room for his children to sleep in when they did visit; he didn't know their teacher's names or what activities they did after school.  G had a great job, a four bedroom house and is one of the most dedicated mom's I know.

Another friend, D, who is quite successful in her career is essentially broke because of how much she has to spend on lawyers because her ex keeps dragging her to court.  He pays no child support which D would be fine with if he would just stop taking her to court.  AND he keeps their kids from taking the medicines they need (something to do with the laws in that state and requiring both parents to consent).  D has to offer comfort when their dad drops out of their lives for a year at a time, misses birthdays or only wants one of the two kids to come visit for Christmas or Summer break.  Even her ex in-laws want their son to leave D alone to raise the kids.

Another friend's kids have called from their father's house requesting that she bring them clean towels and sheets because there were none at their dad's house (someone else uses their beds when they are not there and the sheets had not been changed).  

I am so thankful that I will not be faced with these types of situations that would break my heart as a mother.  I know I will provide a safe, warm, clean and loving home for my child and I will not have to compromise.  

Ideally, I would be with my Mr. Right (not perfect, just right) starting our family together.  However since I've dated MORE than my fair share of Mr. Not-So-Right's I understand how my friends ended up in these terrible custody situations.  I'm thankful I have not settled for having a child with a Mr. Not-So-Right!

I'm still dreading the PIO shots - when the time comes... but I do have my neighbor or friends willing to help me out.  I'll probably take them up on it until I get "comfortable" with stabbing that big-ass needle into muscle on a daily basis.

**************
Monitoring report
I went in Friday morning for monitoring...  the doctor on duty counted 4 follies on each ovary less than 10mm.  I'm continuing with the Gonal-F and HCG and will go back on Monday morning for monitoring again.

The Protocol

It's called the "BCP Ganirelix Gonadotrophins Protocol".  And I still really don't know what it means...

• 15 days of BCP - done
• 5 days of nothing  - done
• 300IU of Gonal-F started today for 4 days
• 10 units of Novarel Microdose (HCG) started today for the next four days
• Doxycycline (antibiotic) started today for 14 days

Friday morning I go in for more labs/ultrasound and will get further instructions from there.  I've got far more drugs in my kitchen than I know what to do with.

Starting Point

Wouldn't you know I started bleeding this morning... AF I guess.  She's early (only CD22) but I expect the starting of BCP and stopping it 15 days later messes with my cycle.  Dr. T wasn't phased that AF was arriving so I guess all is okay.  

I had 6 follicles on each ovary less than 8mm.  I think 12 follies is a good starting point (before BCP I only had 7 total).

The First of the IVF Shots

After a bad day in the office today I got home around 6:30 and realized I didn't know how to take my HCG.  It's not a prefilled syringe like every other self-injection I've done to date.  I didn't know which type of syringe to use (because I have two different types of empty syringes and an extra set of big-ass needles).  How do I get the medicine into the syringe?  Was it supposed to be a muscle or fat injection?

When I googled how to inject the Novarel there was nothing on the microdose I was taking... all instructions were related to mixing a concentrated vial with saline (or something).  I panicked.  

I called my neighbor for guidance (an ER doctor) but couldn't get her on the phone. Finally I called the pharmacy that sent me the drugs and at that point I was choking back tears explaining my dilemma... immediately I was put on with a pharmacist who had me laughing and relaxed within 30 seconds.  The microdose is already mixed, use the small insulin syringe, draw my dose, insert in fleshy abdomen.  It's as simple as that. Crisis averted.  

Telling the Boss

As for telling work about being out...  we've got all kinds of resource issues that have just hit the fan and so I'm taking on yet even more - when I'm already well over capacity.  I was IMing with my boss about the resource chaos late today and went ahead and slipped in "probably not the best time to bring this up... but I have to have outpatient surgery in early December - it will cost me 2 - 3 days".  She said "we'll deal"... and that was that.  

IVF and Time Out of Work

So far I've spent 15 days on BCP (birth control pills) and 5 days drug free. I've been taking advantage of the suppression phase and have done my best to put TTC out of mind, hence being quiet on the blog front.  Things are about to pick back up.

Tomorrow is my bloodwork/ultrasound and I should be given the green light to start stimulation.  If all goes according to plan my retrieval will be somewhere between December 1 - 4 with transfer 3 - 5 days later.

Essentially I'll need up to 3 days off sometime between December 1 - 9; one day for retrieval and two for transfer (bedrest).

I have not been sure how to handle this with work... I want to give advance notice that I'll need to be out but I don't want to give details.  I know legally I don't have to give details, but that's fairly difficult for me because I'm such an open person.

My job entails a lot of planning, preparing, coordinating, reacting, facilitating, etc.  We have some big things going on during the timeframe I'll need to be out so it's only fair to plan and prepare for coverage.

Any best practices out there from others who have gone through this?  I'm going to have to say something soon...

Note: I hope to have a better understanding of my IVF protocol after tomorrow - I'll share details once I understand all of the drugs currently in my kitchen and refrigerator.

Injustice

When I started this journey, and my blog, my focus was becoming a SMC (single mom by choice).  I never dreamed I would be an INFERTILE SMC... but here I am!

I'm not the kind of infertile woman that gets upset when hearing another woman's news about getting pregnant.  Announcements on Facebook do not send me into a tailspin and I believe I am truly happy for my friends who do get pregnant and have babies.  I actually love hearing about what they are going through and seeing their pictures.  

Some may think I don't have the bitterness of an infertile because I've "only" been TTC for 6 (now 7) cycles, six perfectly timed, doctor assisted cycles. The only reason I've been TTC such a "short" amount of time (although seemingly a lifetime) is because I waited so, so, so many years to find the right man to TTC with...  I have spent plenty of Mothers Day's blinking back tears, hiding sadness from my family over Thanksgiving and Christmas, wanting a family of my own.  

And as I said before, after years of thinking, in 2009 I was ready to TTC  SMC style.  Unfortunately, a layoff for the first (and hopefully last) time in my life impacted my financial and emotional ability to move forward with those plans.  

Finally, this past Spring, things were back in place (enough) to move forward with TTC.  But I digress from the purpose of this post...  

I am truly happy for my fellow pregnant and mommy bloggers, many who got their BFP's in my last cycle!  It gives me hope and I enjoy reading their stories, how they evolve from trying to being pregnant, preparing to be a mommy.  I dream of the day I'll have my BFP and healthy pregnancy, moving from "trying" to "being" a mommy.  I can't wait to share the news with my extended family and make my own Facebook announcement!  And I know when it's my turn, others in our TTC & infertile circle will be genuinely happy for me!

So what does bother me?  The Duggars ("19 Kids and Counting").  I do get jealous (or a bit angry) when people continue to procreate just because they can.  19 kids...  and maybe more?  Is that responsible parenting?  I can't answer that but it sure kicks an infertile in her reproductively challenged ovaries!!!

This statement from a spot on the Today Show really irritates me: "the Duggars vowed to put their faith in God and have as many children as they could be blessed with".

That rubs me especially raw today due to Paige's recent condemnation by her preacher.  I find his words so completely irresponsible and utterly disturbing.  I've not been able to get this out of my head since reading her post last night.  He not only condemned SMC's but all infertiles!!!  I wonder how many IVF babies he has baptized and never known how they were conceived (because there were two parents)?  I can only imagine he would welcome a family into his church like the Duggars as Saints.

I am so disappointed that Paige had to experience this and simply don't have the right words to express what I want to about it.  However I am so proud of how Paige handled the situation, with true class and dignity.  And as terrible as his words were, I am so comforted with the amount support she has received from the community.  

Pulling out the Big Guns

I've surprisingly handled BFN#6 rather well emotionally.  I've shed very few tears... I guess because I saw it coming as the symptoms subsided.  And I'm actually pleased because I actually did get pregnant, if not for just a few days.  It certainly shows that with each cycle, we learn more and even negatives are progress.

I sat down with Dr. T today.  I am so thankful I had the forethought to make this appointment at the end of cycle 5!  Otherwise dealing with this BFN could have been much more difficult.

Based on the symptoms I presented and the positive HPT from Saturday (in a baggie) that I showed her she agreed that I was pregnant initially.  She shared my enthusiasm about the progress, while of course being sorry it didn't stay.

She explained how much we have learned about my body and how it responds to meds.  The last two cycles (with the injectables & new donor) have been really good.  She's been thrilled with my new donor!

Bottom line, we agree it's time to pull out the big guns; we are both ready for me to move to IVF.  And because of the last 6 months of IUI's she knows exactly what protocol she wants me to use (I'll outline that in another post).

My bleeding is AF...  she explained that my temps are still up because I didn't stop my progesterone until today, so they should fall in the next day or so.

Tomorrow is Day 3 for my IVF cycle... I will go in for bloodwork and the initial u/s.  I will start on birth control for the suppression phase (to try to get both ovaries to play nice together).

Also... I will not be able to go home to S. Florida for Thanksgiving.  I had already warned my family that this was a possibility and they understand that TTC is the priority (love having a supportive family).  Plus, I'm going to be stuck working (a lot) the whole week of Thanksgiving... it doesn't really make sense to drive 12 hours each way to work from my parents house, with little time to spend with family and friends.  I'll make plans with local friends for Thanksgiving day.

On another note...  HUGE congratulations for recent BFP's...  to My (hopeful) journey to Motherhood and S at Ticking Clock.  I hope that we get good news soon from My So Called (TTC) Life... who gets the award for POAS self control! 

And to Jen at A Family of Two, I SOOO want to comment on your blog and interact... if you are reading this, just making sure you are aware that commenting is not enabled (it may be intentional)?  Good luck on your wait... when is your Beta?

Thank you again, my friends.  Your support during the 2ww (and results thereof) means so much!  Bring on the Big Guns!!!

Negative

The beta results showed nothing.

I started bleeding heavily around 2am.  My BBT went back up to 98.4... but with no trace of HCG in my blood then today would be CD1...???

I'm very thankful that I have my "sit down" with Dr. T already scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.  I took the whole afternoon off work because I think I'm going to need it.

Thanks everyone for your support... I can't express how much it means to have support from this community who understands how tough this process is.  This time last week I believed this cycle worked.  I am still convinced that I was pregnant at least for a couple of days.

Bright side...  I'm going to open some wine tonight and chill.  Oh... and I'm so excited to take a big fat Tylenol PM tonight so I can sleep through the night!