Hope & Fear

I was in the waiting room at the RE today, waiting to be called back for my IUI and I realized I had (all too common) conflicting emotions... I felt hopeful.  I even wore my #hope t-shirt I bought during NIAW this year.

Feeling hopeful brought on an overwhelming sense of fear.  Fear of disappointment from another failure. All I know from all of my IUI's and IVF's is failure, disappointment and heartbreak.

Dr. K was on duty today, I've seen him a lot this cycle.  He basically said this is a perfect cycle, as long as at least one egg is a good egg.  I have my 5 or 6 eggs ovulating, 22 million sperm making their way to the eggs and a healthy triple stripe lining in my uterus.

When this cycle was converted to an IUI, I basically gave up hope for the cycle at that time.  I even went back on Diet Coke and have indulged in a few glasses of wine since IVF3 was cancelled, even though I continued to stim for IUI... because IUI's have failed me for 6 cycles already.

I do question whether stimming for so long (due to my lack of response coming off the BCPs) impacted the quality of my eggs for this attempt.  Time will tell.

But today, I felt it... I felt the hope... and the fear.


*Gwinne, you asked in your comments about the clinic allowing me to do an IUI based on the number of follies I had... with my history, it's not an issue; the more follies the better, hoping that ONE might be good enough.

83

No, that's not a beta number.  It's the NUMBER OF INJECTIONS that I've completed over 15 days of Stims for this (now) IUI cycle.

Oh, how times have changed... I was recently reminiscing with my RN friend, the same friend who insisted on staying with me after IVF2.0 transfer - along with her family, about my first IUI when I drove 30 minutes to her house for my first EVER trigger shot.  And then how proud I was of myself when I was able to do my first EVER self-injection.  Who knew???

Somebody check with Guinness... I think this must be a world record number of injections for an IUI.

PS... trigger was tonight.  I've got 5 or 6 follies between 17 - 21 at this time.  IUI on Sunday.

No Cycle Shall Be Without A Purpose

Today was WTF day with Dr. T.  Let me back up...  Monday, AF arrived... only 23 days into the cycle. That's a new record, by far, for short cycles.  The cycle after IVF2.0 failed.

That should say SECOND FAILED IVF

• I didn't cry.  I did blink back tears 2 - 3 times, but I didn't cry at all... this is progress.  Or numbness. Or getting used to feeling so hurt and lost.  But I didn't cry!
• No cycle shall be without a purpose.  This is my request.  Whether it be a cycle reserved for testing, an IUI cycle or an IVF cycle, every cycle from here on should have a purpose.  Basically, if not a cycle for testing, every cycle will have greater than a 0% chance of conceiving my baby.
• My IVF2.0 embryos were GOOD!  They were superior compared to IVF1.0 embryos.  The two 'runts' that we didn't transfer were blasts at day 6 (and the 4 superstars we transferred were nearly at Morela stage on Day 3).  
• My Egg Quality. I absolutely should be able to get pregnant with my own eggs... it's just a question of how many times it would take.  Enter a comparison by my doctor to Celine Dion who had 6 IVF's before conceiving/delivering her twins with her own eggs.  Sure... because I have the same resources as Celine Dion.
• Donor Egg Options.  Dr. T knew I had met with the DE coordinator last week so the conversation started with how this would be a good choice (70% live birth rate) for the most immediate results.  I didn't post about my DE Coordinator meeting yet, the waiting list is approximately six months.  Bottom line, I'll get on the list as I digest the idea while I continue to move forward with my own eggs.
• Donor Embryos.  Dr. T also recommended looking into donor embryos, as there are good success rates and it's significantly less expensive.  My clinic does not have a donor egg program at this time but we talked about clinics that do.
• My Uterus.  One of my biggest questions is about ruling out any potential problems with my uterus.  At this stage (6 IUI's and 2 IVF's), Dr. T agreed it's time to investigate potential problems with my uterus.  An endometrial biopsy is in order.

Next Steps:

• Endometrial Biopsy this cycle.  I started Femara tonight, CD3.  We will use this cycle for the testing.  It will be minimal hormones, and a procedure to take a small sample from my uterus around 10 days after Ovulation.  It will be around 10 days to have the results.  I have more research to do about this process, I'm sure it will be the subject of another blog post.
• IVF3.0 Immediately following this cycle.  In the interest of my determination that every cycle has a purpose, we'll go immediately into an IVF cycle after this 'testing' cycle.
• Backup IUI cycle.  Should IVF3.0 fail, rather than taking a month off, I'll go into an IUI cycle.  The reason for the time off is that my RE goes by the practice of having 3 months between retrievals... so if I'm not stimulating or suppressing for a purpose, I'll have an IUI.

These are the highlights.

Pregnant or Just Crazy?

Today I am 9dpiui. This is the best week I can recall having in a very long time... perhaps since my first IUI cycle in May.  I have been optimistic about IUI#6 and I continue to be optimistic.  This makes me quite happy!

Those who have followed my blog through my cycles know that I tend to get pessimistic in the second week of the 2ww.  I know that pessimism is to soften the brutal blow of a potential BFN, because each BFN hurts.  This month I'm realizing that the pessimism has been fueled by lack of the slightest, smallest symptom.

IUI#6 Symptom run down (IUI was Tues. 10/19, I think I ovulated the night before):

• Sunday 
• BBT dropped to 97.5, the two previous days were 98.2 & 98.4 (the "dip"?)
• Occasional pressure, like a bruise being pushed on, in my abdomen (implementation cramping?)
• Monday 
• BBT jumped to 98.6
• Specks of blood on TP 3 times (implantation bleeding?)
• Occasional abdomen pressure/cramping
• Tuesday
• Boobs slightly tender when sleeping on stomach
• BBT still 98.6
• Wednesday
• BBT at 98.4
• Boobs still occasionally tender, just feel different than norm
• Thursday
• BBT at 98.4
• Boobs still have that different feeling
• Lower back cramping, but different than AF cramping

Conclusion:

I don't know!?!  This is different than my previous 5 IUI cycles.  I really think I could be pregnant but I cant be sure... could I just have gone insane?  Could I be imagining the "symptoms"?  This is why I actually took a photo of TP #2 - which had the least amount of specks... but I wanted evidence that I saw something, because by now I'd be telling myself I didn't (but I did!).

To POAS or Not to POAS...

My beta date is Tuesday (and as mentioned before, that's also the date of my IVF consult).  Of course, if implantation happened so early (Sun//Mon) then by Saturday my HCG should register.  I told myself if my symptoms got stronger I could test as early as Friday, but I wouldn't say symptoms have gotten any stronger than earlier this week.  

I have been planning all along to POAS on Sunday so I could begin to cope with a BFN if that was the result.  BUT...  I really am enjoying this week believing I could actually be pregnant.  If I actually am pregnant, I want to know as soon as I can know... but if I'm not pregnant I don't want to ruin that feeling by finding out too soon that I'm not pregnant, just crazy.  

Seven Things (Virtual Blogger Award)

Finally... my response to the Versitle Blogger Award.  

I don't deserve the award given the long delay in putting my response together. I'm trying to figure out why I was having trouble making myself put this post together? Other than receiving the nod during my 5th BFN something has been holding me back... I'm not quite sure still what has been holding me back, but here goes.

Here are the rules:

• Thank and link back to the person nice enough to give you the award
• Share seven things about yourself
• Pass the award along to seven other bloggers who you think are fabulous
• Contact the bloggers you chose and let them know about the award

First, a thank you to all of the nods that came my way. I am afraid I didn't capture everyone who gave me a shout-out... and for this I am sorry. I was not tracking and figured that I would go back and reread those blogs... now so much time has past I'm sure I'll be leaving someone out... but here goes: THANKS GOES TO...  

• Shannon @ Chasing Rainbows,  who I met through a group of SMC's "in real life", before we connected in the blogsphere 
• Faith @ Exploring My Options  who I feel like I've known a long time... and my youngest dog's namesake
• Jay @ Stork Stalking - scientist, bookworm, excellent blogger and got her first (great) beta today Congrats Jay
• Nell @ Skating on the Edge of Madness  a teacher who I love to read because she does a great job of expressing the experience of SMC TTC
• Baby Chase Project - who just finished her 2ww with a bit of a cruel tease, unfortunately not the desired result.  I'm so sorry, TTC is such an emotional rollercoaster  
• One additional 'nod' to misconceived who reminded me that people did want to read about my 'seven things'.

Seven things about me...

1.  I'm an introverted extrovert.  My friends would disagree with this statement but I do have to know someone well, feel comfortable and accepted in order to open up and be myself.  I'm simply not good at small talk so that sometimes makes me come across as quiet or unsociable.

2.  I'm actually allergic to shellfish but never liked it or seafood. 

3.  I'm a reformed workaholic.  My average work week used to be 60+ hours (which explains the 39 and never married, I threw myself into my work).  Things changed when I got laid off last year... it was a very difficult lesson but I have come out on the other side no longer interested in ladder climbing or title chasing.  I'm STILL learning what to do with all of this additional time now that I don't work 24/7.

4.  I'm a reformed careless spender.  This goes hand-in-hand with the layoff mentioned above.  For so many years I would buy something when I wanted it, always pay full price and never blink.  I had a boat!  Now I enjoy consignment stores, clip coupons, buy in bulk or I just don't buy at all.

5.  My house is FAR too big for a single woman, this goes along with the careless spending.  My house is great, in a fabulous neighborhood but it's 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 2800 square feet with a mortgage that now, in my reformed ways, makes me uncomfortable.  I would love to downsize but obviously we all know the state of the real estate market...

6.  I grew up in South Florida... my entire family is still there, along with a couple of close friends. I'd love to be near my family again but just can't imagine living in that heat/humidity again; if it were not for the climate, I'd be back there.

7.  I am so scared.  After six IUI tries, five failed, one unknown yet.  IVF is not a sure thing.  How much money do I spend TTC?  How much emotion and heartbreak do I allow?  TTC puts me in this place I have labeled 'Mid-Life Limbo' where I'm in a constant state of waiting, not really moving forward, but waiting to do so.  I'm not prepared for this not to work, I'm not prepared if being a mom is not in God's plan for my life.

As mentioned by several in our SMC blog community, I believe we have passed this award around to each other quite a bit.  Going with their theme, I'm not going to recycle the award back through the community.

Again (x6)

It's the night before IUI #6 and all through my ovaries, my two big 'ole follies are growing, ready to ovulate.

So my SIXTH IUI is tomorrow morning.  And although it is my 6th time through this, I'm feeling good about my chances.  I told the ladies in the lab that "the sixth time is the charm".  

My ultrasound yesterday (CD12) showed TWO big follicles on my left ovary, at 22 and 26.  I can feel them just ready to go....  I'm asking they hold on several more hours until tomorrow morning.   While waiting on the doctor I closed my eyes and prayed I could have two or three follies ready this cycle, since all but one of my previous cycles produced a single follie.  This prayer was answered!

I started acupuncture last week.  I've been hearing so much about its infertility benefits that I decided to just do it.  While I find it relaxing, I'm not sure I would do it if I were not dealing with infertility.  It takes me 10 minutes or so to relax, but by the time the acupuncturist comes back in, I'm so totally relaxed I don't want to get up.  And I continue to feel really good and relaxed for days after.

Since my IUI is tomorrow, my beta date will be November 2.... which happens to be the same day I have an appointment with Dr. T to discuss IVF.  

My Versatile Blogger Award post is in draft form.  I just need more time to clean it up... but I will finally post it sometime very soon.

I've Got Nothing

Halfway through my 5th 2ww... I have nothing to share or offer.  Close your browser now if you don't want to read pessimistic jargon.

If I had to place a bet on my odds, I'd say I'm not pregnant.  Part of that is based on fear of getting my hopes up... but the rest is:

 

1.  3 days post IUI I had EWCM for the first time in months (the Clomid dried me up previously), 3 DAYS after my IUI
2. I have NO symptoms
3. I've been feeling PMS cramps since Saturday, 5 days post IUI... back cramps, not abdomen cramps
4. My BBT temps are pretty darn low, extremely low for this part of my cycle
5. 6.  7.  8.  9. 10. I'm just too afraid to get my hopes up that I might be pregnant for the known disappointment of a negative.

I'm committing to one more IUI cycle (after this cycle completes), for a total of six IUI cycles... and then I'm going to IVF.

I NEVER, never contemplated IVF when I started this process... I was going to get pregnant my first time out...  but now, I'm ready for IVF.  I believe IVF will give me the best opportunity to realize my dream, goal, destiny, of being a mom to a really great kid!

Sorry friends, I'd love to be a ray of sunshine... I'm just not feeling it.

Wanted: Politically Correct Porn Coordinator

So Dr. T was available to do my IUI yesterday.  The new swimmers were 30 million strong; they successfully survived the weekend on my kitchen table!  At this moment my big ole Follie either was fertilized or it wasn't... but I won't know for sure until sometime around October 4th.  

During the IUI preparation, I was explaining to Dr. T and my favorite RN S, the "drama" of last week which led to the need for me to spend the weekend with the Swimmers in the house.  Somehow this led to Dr. T talking about the questionable porn collection maintained in the collection rooms at the clinic.  One of her clients mentioned to her one of the titles found in the collection...  "Triple Midgets" (I have not googled this title)...  

S and I just started quietly cracking up as Dr. T explained that she went to Dr. W and asked him to screen the porn in the collection rooms to ensure it was "appropriate".  Apparently a few ladies in the Lab decided to "take one for the team" and screen Triple Midgets... and the consensus was it was just "wrong", plus it looked like it had been filmed in someone's garage... Big surprise?  

While Dr. T relating this story was truly funny, what made it hysterical was that my sweet nurse S was trying so hard to hold in her giggles without success and she seemed truly amazed that this was coming from Dr. T.  S kept looking at me and I kept looking at her and that made it worse, we were both in hysterics.

Hopefully laughter is EXCELLENT for an IUI... because if that is the case then I'd say this was a success.  

Cycle 5, Day 12... One Follie... early IUI

I am now entering the pre-ovulation phase for my 5th IUI cycle (pre-ovulation is my term, not a medical term).  This is my first cycle on the Femara & Gonal-F.  I've also been sick all week, my BBT has been OFF THE CHARTS... up to 1 full degree higher than my typical Luteal phase temp.  I assume it's the illness but wonder if the new drugs have anything to do with elevated temps?  I'm hoping I didn't FRY my eggs...

My CD12 ultrasound was this morning.  This month I have ONE good Follie, 24mm, on my left ovary (last month I had two 18mm follies on my right ovary).  Currently my right ovary has several follies less than 8mm...  basically they are taking the month off and letting this one follie on my left Ovary do all of the heavy lifting.

I'm happy with the 24mm Follie.  I'm just concerned that with the drug regimen I've just completed that there wasn't more than one.  Dr. T was actually the doctor in the office today so she mentioned that IF I need a 'next' cycle that she may put me on birth control first to suppress the cycle and ideally get both ovaries to produce some good Follies... this is something I know is usually done in IVF but she thought given what we've learned over my cycles that it would be good to add in for me in an IUI cycle.

Anyway, I've been instructed to trigger tonight and come in tomorrow morning... I guess Ovulation is imminent and so my IUI may be tomorrow instead of Tuesday.  

I'm actually really happy that my IUI will probably be tomorrow (except for my work schedule conflicts I'll have to juggle).  I was starting to feel a little foolish for having the Swimmers delivered to my house yesterday rather than counting on them being delivered to my clinic by Tuesday morning... cutting it very close for my originally anticipated Tuesday IUI.  IF I had not made that decision... I could have gone through this expensive cycle only to get to IUI day with no Swimmers.  

The swimmers, by the way, are still hanging out on the kitchen table.

The Best Laid Plans (part 1)

I had to travel for work this week.  I don't travel frequently with work these days, which I appreciate...  traveling is not so much fun anymore.  Especially this trip.

New Donor Dilemma 

Last week I made an appointment for my new Cryobank 'consult' which is required by this bank before sperm can be purchased.  Several weeks prior I had narrowed down my list of donors to two that I was very happy with.  The appointment was Monday morning, before I flew out on my business trip.  It was quick and painless, then I placed my order.  I was feeling relieved that I had that taken care of and my vials would be at the clinic with plenty of time to spare...

My first choice did not have IUI specimens available so I selected my second choice.  I requested the pregnancy stats for this donor to confirm he was "proven" so the woman on the phone worked to pull up a report while taking my information for my purchase.  Later, in flight, I realized I did not get my $ total that would be billed to my card OR the results of the pregnancy report...  

After landing, I carefully extracted myself from my co-workers and found a corner to call the bank and confirm these details.  Well, the donor I had just purchased has ZERO pregnancies reported in the 2 years he's been donating.  My heart dropped.  While his swimmers could be perfectly fine...  going into my 5th IUI at the age of 39 I did not want an unproven donor.  I told her to cancel my order and I'd call back.  

In the meantime I checked with my clinic about whether they could take unwashed (non-IUI) specimens - from the first donor - and do the prep work there at my clinic... they could but it would cost a TON more... and remember, I'm now doing 2 IUI's per cycle... double the cost!

So now my problem was I needed to look at other donors...  I didn't bring my personal laptop or bank research notes with me.  Why would I?  I had it taken care of before I left... or so I thought.  The research I did was so long ago I couldn't remember the others I had reviewed without my notes... and I wouldn't DARE pull up the Cryobank website on my work computer (it would be blocked anyway).  By Tuesday I realized my only choice was to wait until I get home Thursday night, pull out my notes, do my research and then make a new order on Friday for Monday delivery.  That would work, right?  Wrong.

Part 2 of this post will cover how sick and miserable I was when I got home last night... but that's not the problem with my revised plan.

Since my new bank is on Pacific Time, I got up this morning, went through my notes and revisited other donors that had been on my list from this bank.  I selected two more that were on my original list of top contenders AND cross referenced them on the DSR (that's one way to know they are "proven").  

Once the bank opened I called back and YES, my new proven first choice had plenty of IUI specimens available!!!  YEA! Since I expect my IUI to be Tuesday, I asked her to ship it today to be delivered to my clinic on Monday....  

And because nothing about this is simple - I was told that they can not send deliveries for Monday's.  They could ship it today to be delivered tomorrow (Saturday) when no one is at MY clinic to accept the shipment... but they will not allow the shipment to sit at FedEx on Sunday to be delivered Monday (my old bank did this because the nitrogen tank is good for 5 days).  

REALLY???

So I had to call my clinic to see if anyone can accept  the shipment on Saturday?  As expected, no.  The woman who receives all specimen shipments was quite surprised that they couldn't have it delivered on Monday (join the club)...  So I asked if I could have it delivered to my house and bring it to her Monday morning.  Yes.  She explained how I need to quickly open the tank when it arrives to verify that it's cold (if it's cold when it arrives, it will be cold until I get it to her Monday; if it's not - the bank needs to be notified).  

I can't help but wonder why every single step has to be such a chore... shouldn't things fall into place like it's meant to be?  This bank came highly recommended by my RE but from the start of my encounters with them, I've not had a good feeling...  I'm afraid I should have gone with my instinct... but now with timing, I'm in a bind.  This is just one aspect of a challenging week that threw all kinds of roadblocks my way; more to come.

Conclusion, my swimmers will be here, at my HOUSE, before 10:30am tomorrow.  I'll need to put them somewhere safe from two curious (but 'fixed') female dogs.  - sad attempt at humor, forgive me, I'm still sick.

Day 4 - Cycle 5... Injectables

I've not been sulking all week, it's been busy... I couldn't make time for blogging.  

Today is Day 4 of my 5th cycle.  I decided not to wait until next month to move to injectables (when my good insurance kicks in), rather I'll be changing things up this cycle.

The plan:

• Femara (pills) Day 3 - 7
• Gonal-F (injection) Day 8, 9, 10, 11
• Bloodwork/ultrasound Day 12
• Ovadrel Trigger - probably Day 12 or 13
• 2 IUI's (new bank & donor)

I have to travel for work this week - which means I have to travel with the Gonal-F pen.  I remember Paige went through this over the summer and had no problem at airport security.  I'm counting on that also - but do have a doctors note, just in case.   

I'm not excited about self-injecting 5 times this cycle...  but we must do what we must do!

On another note... my favorite nurse, S, was explaining the medication to me and said something about not having to pay for the Gonal-F...  I told her that in fact, I paid $200 for the Gonal F (plus all of the other drugs and the Progesterone suppositories - my total was $608).  She said she'd call the pharmacy... when my prescriptions arrived the next day - my credit card was only charged $348.  S saved me $260!!  I don't know what she did... but I'm sending her a thank you note!!

I'm praying the new protocol works... but I'm also coming to grips that moving to IVF may be a reality.

Tested today - 11dpiui, BFN

While it's still a bit early, I did test today... BFN.  I'm still holding out for a BFP over the holiday weekend!!!  

Yesterday I mentioned I'd been pleased with my BBT... today it was down 1/10 of a point from where it has been ranging.  It has been in the 98.4 - 98.6+ range over the last 3 days, which is higher than normal for my last several months Luteal phase.  Today it was at 98.3.  To be honest, I don't know how much stock to put in the BBT - what I have read is that it stays elevated during Luteal phase (and this is the case with me) and continues to be elevated OR EVEN climbs a bit after implantation.  

I slept well last night and I've been having the greatest dreams the last couple of nights about getting my BFP!!!  It's so REAL.... 

I forgot to test... sort of

Today is 10dpiui (counting the day of IUI).  Habitually, I'm an early tester.  Personally I've found early testing "easier" than waiting and waiting only to be disappointed.  Early testing allows for a gradual disappointment - or the earliest possible sign of a BFP!!!  

Throughout each 2ww I spend time negotiating with myself about when I'll start testing.  This is a constant debate during the 2ww that gets more difficult by the day.  At the beginning of this 2ww I decided I'd wait until 12dpiui to start testing (Saturday).  

When I went to bed last night I still was set on testing 12dpiui.  Problem is, ever since I wrote my last post talking about how I was managing my stress and not losing sleep, I've been waking up at 1:30am and unable to get back to sleep until 3 or 4am.  Yes, I'm tired.  But it's not work stress keeping me up (work is much better this week)...  it's just a million different things going through my head.   

So somewhere around 4am this morning I decided I was going to go ahead and test this morning.  

But when I woke up, took my BBT (I've been very happy with my BBT all week, nice and spiked), then got up and went to the bathroom...  I forgot to POAS (test).  Oops. Oh well.  I'll just wait until tomorrow... or maybe even Saturday.

Feeling good and praying for a BFP!!!

No Stressing Allowed

My IUI's were the highlight of my week (last week).   As reported, everything went very well with the first one.  The second one went well also (15million motile Swimmers) although the doctor on point for the IUI was running about 40 minutes late.  My appointment was at 11am and I had my first team meeting for my new job at 12pm.  There was nothing I could do about the doctor being late so I didn't let myself get worked up or stressed over it.  I had my IUI at 11:45 and laid on the table for about 8 minutes (shorter than normal but there is no scientific evidence that laying on the table after an IUI has any effect on pregnancy).  I was able to dial in to the meeting on my cell phone a few minutes after 12 as I calmly rushed to the office and joined the meeting in person 20 minutes late.  Nice first impression.   The photo is me on the phone as a child, stress free.

Actually, the first week of work was the worst first week of a new job I've ever experienced.  It started the Friday before when I emailed my new boss and asked her what time I should report in, who I should contact when I got there and if security had been worked out for my building access?  The building I was told I would spend my first week of work is the most secure building out of all of the buildings in this city occupied by this financial institution.  Anyway, my boss - who works in another city - never responded.

I decided 8:30am was a good time to show up Monday morning.  Of course when I got to the security desk there was no record of me.  I called my boss who told me to call Bob (like I know Bob).  Security looked up his number and I called Bob... and got his voicemail.  Remember, I don't know anyone in this division except for my boss since this was my first day back at this company (completely different division than before) after being gone for 18 months.  Long story short, a little more than an hour later I was finally authorized to get through security.  On a bright note, the guys at security were super nice!

The rest of the week went pretty much the same way... I received no on-boarding or directive.  There was no administrative assistant to work through my access to all of the various systems required.  I guess it was assumed that because I worked for the company previously I could handle all of it myself... except I aways had an admin to take care of those details in the past.  I worked through it but it was frustrating and a waste of time hunting through internal websites and loads of documentation to figure it all out.

This is the short version of the beyond frustrating week I had last week. I share this story only to explain that I managed the stress and frustration very well.  I knew it wasn't healthy for my Follies & Swimmers to let the stress take over or keep me up at night.  I did a lot of deep breathing, some stretching and refocusing my thoughts to remember what is important.  

While I expect next week to be a continuation of frustration, it shouldn't be as bad.  Things started to come together on Friday and I expect with each day things will continue to improve.

Wheeee!!!!!

Immediately after an IUI as I'm spending my 10 minutes lying on the table... I always imagine the sperm in my uterus celebrating and having a good old time... "Wheeeeee"!!!!!

Happy Waiting!

First, to all of you who were in your 2ww last week, I'm sorry.  Your week lasted what seemed like a month and it's my fault.  It was my last week at my consulting job and it was the LONGEST WEEK EVER!  Every minute seemed like an hour, every hour like a day.  And when Friday came, it wasn't over... it dragged through the weekend.  So for all of you who had to bear through last week waiting... I am so very sorry that I caused it to be such a terribly long week!

I am now 2 days into my new job at my old company.  I was a little worried about timing not one but TWO IUI's in the first few days of my new job, not knowing the commitments that my boss may expect of me this week, not knowing how I'd run off for the appointments (or exactly when they would be).  Thankfully, timing has worked out great so far.  My first IUI (I'm referring to as #4a) was today at 1:30 and I'll have another at 11am tomorrow (#4b).  This way we'll catch ovulation both early and right after ovulation begins.  

I'm feeling good about this month.  While I picked a new donor, last week was far too hectic to get through all of the paperwork and calls required of the new sperm bank.  The only time they had available to do the initial consultation call (which they require before sperm can be purchased) conflicted with a critical work meeting that I was leading.  I had already juggled things to get to my Sit Down with my RE last Monday.  It was too much to try to juggle more late in the week and then have to put a rush on the shipment.  With that, I decided not to create any more chaos.  I ordered 2 more vials from my original donor because I knew that could get done right away and make it in time for ovulation.  I'm really at peace with that decision... removing the added unnecessary chaos.  

And today my original donor didn't disappoint.  17million motile swimmers.  While I was walking to my car (several blocks from the new office) on my way to my IUI I could literally feel the two good follies on my right ovary ready to ovulate.  Everything about my IUI today felt right... and tomorrow it will just be icing.

Happy waiting!

The Sit Down

WOW!  I can't believe it's only Tuesday... it feels like it should be end of day Thursday!  It's my last week at my current job and they are taking advantage of every minute I have left...  plus, I like to leave things in the best condition possible for the people I'm transitioning my responsibilities to.  

My appointment with the doctor on Monday was at 3:30.  Due to work demands I had the appointment (scheduled 6 weeks ago) very carefully coordinated with my obligations.  I had an important meeting to facilitate at 3pm so I coordinated with a colleague to take over the meeting once I got it kicked off and on track.  I dialed back in on my cell phone and finished the meeting as I was walking into the reception area.  I had another meeting I needed to run at 4:30... lucky for me my office is less than 10 minutes from the RE clinic.  No problem... if the doctor was running on the schedule I planned!

When I got there the receptionist - who I really like - asked if I needed to run an errand and come back in 30 minutes because Dr. T was running behind...  I actually did need to run to Kinkos, not far away, to fax documentation to the new Sperm Bank... but I feared it would take too long...  so I just took a couple of work calls and coordinated moving my 4:30 meeting.  At 4:20 I went back to meet with Dr. T (yes, 50 minutes late).  

Dr. T was great.  She is very easy to talk with when you get her time.  We talked about my cycles, my numbers, etc.  My key question was about the timing of the IUI.  She offered a good option which is to do a late day IUI (rather than the standard 11am IUI) because of my ovulation timing in the last 3 cycles.  Additionally we'll do an IUI the next morning.  It's going to be twice the cost in donor sperm but I think it's worth a couple of tries. 

Because of my upcoming MUCH BETTER insurance coverage (due to the new job I start Monday) effective October 1, I agreed that 1 more cycle of Clomid (after this cycle), for a total of 4 Clomid cycles, would be good before moving to injectibles... and conversations about IVF.

Like I said, she is a talker when you actually get time with her...  we talked about the new Jennifer Aniston movie (the RE's had tickets for a screening tonight), compared expectations to the J. Lo movie and the reviews we heard about the "Kids are OK" movie which neither of us have seen yet.  We talked about Weight Watchers & exercise and carbs impact on cholesterol.  

I'm feeling better going into this cycle since everything is out of my control.  My biggest frustration has been the timing of the IUI since I am completely dependent on the doctor to put the Swimmers in the right place at the right time.  With the approach we discussed I feel better about the timing.  Now, time will tell.

IUI #3

The Good News!

• I ovulated naturally (drug-free cycle)!!!
• My IUI progesterone was 1.6 
• Doctor likes it to be 1.5ish so it was right there in range
• The IUI was on Thursday, July 29
• Is it ironic that this day was my last long-term boyfriend's birthday?  One of the biggest factors in ending things was that although I wanted a child but I couldn't imagine it would be a good thing to have a child with him. 
• Donor Swimmers were 11MM strong
• Not the greatest number but not bad... it only takes ONE
• My doctor was in the office, she did my IUI!
• I went in the day before for bloodwork and I would not have seen her if my IUI was that day
• I have my progesterone supplements and will start them at the RIGHT time this cycle
• Last month (first time on progesterone) I didn't start until 8 1/2 dpiui
• My Beta date is Tuesday, August 10
• I turn 39 on the 7th so the ongoing debate will be....  do I test on my birthday or not?

The Other News...

My doctor is concerned with my donor's counts and recommended I consider finding another.  I've been thinking about this anyway.  This was my last vial from my original order so it's a good time to switch things up (if this cycle doesn't take).  While my original Swimmer Picker Party was a BLAST, I've had some regrets that I made the choice so public with my (close) friends.  This will give me the opportunity to use what I've learned and quietly make my own selection; no one else will know the details.

Doctor Who???

I like my RE.  I love her nursing team.  I like the RE practice she's a part of.   I LOVE that in their practice only RE's do procedures, such as IUI's, rather than deferring to their nurses.  I LOVE her 30 years of experience and the fact that she's made it possible for countless children to be part of our world.  I enjoy the time I spend with her and appreciate her knowledge and guidance.

This is why I have strong feelings of guilt for feeling disappointed.  And it nags at me that it must be bad karma to feel frustrated.    But as hormonal as I am (and I know I am) I also know that I am justified in these feelings.  

AF arrived today.  Not a surprise and I was happy to see her come since I knew IUI#2 was not successful.  As necessary, I checked in by voicemail with her nursing team to let them know I started today and asked if I would see her Friday when I come in for my bloodwork & ultrasound; if not I'd like to have a few minutes with her (even by phone) to discuss what we have learned over the last two attempts.

The message back (unfortunately I was in a meeting) was to come in Friday, my doctor would not be available and I can sit down with her August 16th.  AUGUST 16!!!  

Now, I've only been TTC for two cycles, starting my third now.  In the two cycles, besides the countless days I have gone in for bloodwork, I have seen A doctor 6 times (ultrasounds & IUI's); I have seen MY doctor ONCE out of those six times; that was my first IUI on 6/3.  

I called back and left the nurse a message to book the appointment on August 16th but then listed out the questions I have (telling her since I'm paying out of pocket 100% I'd like to ensure whether one small tweak might make a difference):

•   I've only done medicated (Clomid & Ovadrel Trigger) cycles, what about unmedicated?
•   Since my progesterone is low, could the IUI's have been timed too late by waiting for a certain progesterone level before performing the IUI?

Afterwards, I had to walk away from my desk, from the office for 15 minutes because I was feeling so frustrated (and this is the polite word for how I was feeling).  If I didn't give into the anger, it would be tears.  I took a walk and was able to finish my day.

I missed the return call (poor cell service in my office) but saw the voicemail pop up from the clinic...  I couldn't bring myself to listen to the message while at work.  I had to finish my day, I had errands to run.  At 8:30 this evening I finally listened to the message (5 hours later).  Well, that (as I feared) just brought me to tears.

The message was that... perhaps it's best if I take this month off.  That way when my appointment with my doctor comes up I'm "early" in my next cycle.  -by the time August 16th comes I'll be 6 - 8 days into my next cycle.  I don't want to take a month off; I want to have a 10 minute conversation with my doctor!

I don't want to be angry, frustrated or disappointed with my doctor... I just want to talk to her about what we've learned over the last two months and what slight tweak in approach may bring about different results.  

I had hit acceptance with my failed second cycle until this came up, now I'm sad again.  I'm not typically a sad person... I don't like this feeling.

I'm not a Doctor but I play one while TTC

I'm continuing to learn that when it comes to TTC, just like my career and all other aspects of life, no one looks out for your best interests better than YOU.  

I would have loved to become a doctor except I knew there was no way I could get past the blood, needles and knives part of the job description.  Now I'm one of those women who researches, researches, RESEARCHES!  Doctors must LOVE my kind...

I love my doctor and her nursing team.  She has gotten several women I know pregnant (a few in the first try) using the same method I'm going through.  She has been at this for 30 years, I've only been at this for 2 months...

I have been concerned about whether I am receiving treatment that is truly personalized to my body and cycle, or if that comes later once it takes X amount of times without conception.

A friend who is T42 - the "old fashioned way" recently learned that she has a Luteal Phase defect.  She ovulates late, has a short Luteal phase with low progesterone.

We already know that I have a shorter than normal cycle (26 days) and the last two months I've ovulated late (IUI day 15 last month, day 16 this month).  

My doctor uses progesterone level to determine the timing for the IUI.  However I am not on any post-IUI progesterone supplementation and my progesterone has not been tested during my luteal (post-ovulation) phase.  I've had this nagging feeling that my progesterone may not be high enough to support implantation.    I talked to my Mom about my concerns over the weekend and we agreed that if a simple blood test can put my mind at ease, then that's what I should do... I mean, I have become a human pin cushion the last several months, what's one more prick at my request?

Today I called the nurse and told her I need my progesterone tested to ease my nagging concerns.  She said that's fine and I'm going in tomorrow.  She said that testing Luteal progesterone is an 'eventual' test/diagnosis they go through.  I don't think that statement came across right to me.... my first thought is that while I appreciate a good 'process', this month's TTC cycle will cost me approximately $2000 (thanks to the use of the second vial, meds, ultrasounds, bloodwork several times, etc.).  

I'll happily take a $90 blood test to determine if I need a supplement to help with implantation and SUCCESS!