IVF2.0 - It's Over

I wrote this post in my head Tuesday night as I was awake in tears for hours, convinced this cycle had failed.  I had been peeing on extra sensitive sticks (claims to read 10ml HCG) since Friday, all negative.

Suddenly Wednesday afternoon, just before walking out the door for acupuncture, there was a second line!!!  OMG!  I was thrilled!  It was a faint yet clearly distinctive second line (believe me, I know what no line looks like, this was a line).  Just to be sure, I took the stick to acupuncture and A confirmed she saw it too!  She said my pulse felt different (as it does with a pregnancy).

But Thursday's FMU resulted in a negative (I tried to convince myself I saw something, but I really didn't).  I peed on FIVE sticks Thursday, all negative.  Today, Friday, my FMU also was negative. So Wednesday's positive HPT was either a momentary chemical pregnancy or a defective pee stick.

I went in for my blood draw and then I went straight to the grocery store to buy a couple of bottles of wine... because I knew the answer.

So my nurse emailed me (not sure how I feel about beta results via email) to confirm the beta was negative.  Dr. T is booking appointments into mid-April so my WTF appointment wont be for a month...  I asked the nurse to connect me with someone who could begin to educate me on the donor egg process and costs... I really don't know much about this option but I have a feeling it might be my only option with a chance...

For the last week I've been planning what I will do if this cycle fails... (I guess that's my way of coping with the 2ww after -now- 8 failures)  My plan is to start taking care of me.  I'm significantly overweight and TTC has only made me gain more weight.  I'm going to get on an aggressive weight loss program (that has worked for me in the past) for the next two months, knowing I will not cycle again for at least 2 months.  It's an extreme way to drop weight but at this time, I need something extreme that actually ends with results... I'm tired of doing things that don't work, such as 8 ART cycles.

Definition of Insanity:  Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results

To my local SMC friends... it's doubtful I'll end up going to the Choice Mom conference in Raleigh tomorrow.  I expect I would be a blubbering mess.  And unfortunately I also have a bridal shower for such a sweet friend I was invited to tomorrow, but I'm afraid I'd be quite the downer, frequently excusing myself to TRY to gain my composure.

So what will I do this weekend?  I really don't know... perhaps take the dogs for a walk, or to the dog park if I'm feeling really brave.  Otherwise, I'll just allow myself to grieve, again.

Pregnant or Just Crazy?

Today I am 9dpiui. This is the best week I can recall having in a very long time... perhaps since my first IUI cycle in May.  I have been optimistic about IUI#6 and I continue to be optimistic.  This makes me quite happy!

Those who have followed my blog through my cycles know that I tend to get pessimistic in the second week of the 2ww.  I know that pessimism is to soften the brutal blow of a potential BFN, because each BFN hurts.  This month I'm realizing that the pessimism has been fueled by lack of the slightest, smallest symptom.

IUI#6 Symptom run down (IUI was Tues. 10/19, I think I ovulated the night before):

• Sunday 
• BBT dropped to 97.5, the two previous days were 98.2 & 98.4 (the "dip"?)
• Occasional pressure, like a bruise being pushed on, in my abdomen (implementation cramping?)
• Monday 
• BBT jumped to 98.6
• Specks of blood on TP 3 times (implantation bleeding?)
• Occasional abdomen pressure/cramping
• Tuesday
• Boobs slightly tender when sleeping on stomach
• BBT still 98.6
• Wednesday
• BBT at 98.4
• Boobs still occasionally tender, just feel different than norm
• Thursday
• BBT at 98.4
• Boobs still have that different feeling
• Lower back cramping, but different than AF cramping

Conclusion:

I don't know!?!  This is different than my previous 5 IUI cycles.  I really think I could be pregnant but I cant be sure... could I just have gone insane?  Could I be imagining the "symptoms"?  This is why I actually took a photo of TP #2 - which had the least amount of specks... but I wanted evidence that I saw something, because by now I'd be telling myself I didn't (but I did!).

To POAS or Not to POAS...

My beta date is Tuesday (and as mentioned before, that's also the date of my IVF consult).  Of course, if implantation happened so early (Sun//Mon) then by Saturday my HCG should register.  I told myself if my symptoms got stronger I could test as early as Friday, but I wouldn't say symptoms have gotten any stronger than earlier this week.  

I have been planning all along to POAS on Sunday so I could begin to cope with a BFN if that was the result.  BUT...  I really am enjoying this week believing I could actually be pregnant.  If I actually am pregnant, I want to know as soon as I can know... but if I'm not pregnant I don't want to ruin that feeling by finding out too soon that I'm not pregnant, just crazy.  

Call me Crazy... and hopeful

It turns out the dogs did not get their day at the park on Sunday... I kept getting emotional so I never actually left the house...  but you all were right, based on your comments... I needed to cry it out.  And cry it out I did!!!   Your feedback was so therapeutic... even though it did make me cry even more at the time...  your support was key to my healing.

Monday, I felt much better.  I wasn't happy that I just experienced another BFN... but I felt I had done my grieving for the cycle and hit acceptance.

I felt the same way when I got up this morning.  But as any long-term TTC-er will do, until AF arrives, you must POAS.  This morning I did POAS first thing.  And when I saw the white space with the single line I dismissed it without the typical over-analyzation of the 2ww....  I had already stopped my progesterone supplements and notified the nurse on Monday about my BFN.

So during my 8:30 conference call, I pick up the stick...  suddenly, I realized (while on Mute) that there is something resembling a second line... something more than I've seen in all of these months of HPT testing.  It was faint... very faint.  I walked out to my backyard where the sunlight was streaming to verify whether I was actually seeing something...  I think I do...  it certainly looks like there could be something that looks like a line, at a certain angle, in good sunlight...

I grab my last digital test and go back to the bathroom where the cup still sits (I don't actually POAS... I use little disposable shot glass size cups).  While I wait for the digital HPT to process... I start to worry since I didn't take my progesterone yesterday.  If I actually am pregnant... then I need my progesterone... but if I'm not pregnant... I don't want to take the progesterone and delay my cycle further .  

And still, while I'm waiting for the digital HPT to process, I looked at the stick again in the sunlight... and still think I might see something...  so I decided that it didn't matter what the digital said... I needed a Beta (bloodwork) to know for sure.  

The digital processed a... BFN.  I still picked up my cell phone and left the nurse a message that I wanted a bloodtest to verify whether or not I'm pregnant.  

So be it... blood drawn... I'm either pregnant or crazy...

The nurse called, the blood test was negative.  Insanity confirmed!

I knew with the whole swirl of the morning that it was a long shot and it could be my eyes/mind playing tricks on me...  AND IT WAS...  but the HOPE I felt, I have not felt that kind of hope in a long time... not since before the first or second BFN.  It felt good!  It felt REAL.  It was the closest to feeling like it WILL happen for me that I've felt in so long...

I didn't have to mourn the confirmed BFN today...  while I would have been thrilled if I were pregnant... the feeling of true hope... I can't explain how good it felt!

So while I'm about to start my 6th IUI cycle (AF started her visit late today)... I went ahead and scheduled an IVF consult with my doctor for Nov 2... which should be right around the end of my 6th 2ww...  but I don't want to wait until a 6th BFN to be confirmed to schedule the appointment for IVF consultation...  because at that point it would be January before I could start an IVF cycle...  this way... my November cycle will be the start of my IVF cycle (if need be).

Sorry for the long play-by-play, my friends.  Just sharing.

The Single Line

I've not been able to bring myself to write this week.  I greatly appreciate all of the comments from I've Got Nothing, the support and encouragement from the blogosphere reminds me I'm not alone in this journey.  Really, all of you bloggers know how much it helps to receive this virtual support, every comment is appreciated.  I did still have some hope for the cycle, especially because my BBT started to rise more after that post and I wanted to believe my back cramps could be a positive sign.

I tested yesterday and today. And for the fifth cycle now I see only the single line, a single line with a maddening amount of clear white space next to it. I HATE that white space, it mocks me. If I had not seen pictures of others who have seen the mysterious second line I wouldn't believe it actually exists.  The white space makes my head spin and my brain plays tricks on me... but it's simply a vast starch-white piece of cardboard taunting "You're NOT pregnant... look as much as you want, you're still not going to be pregnant".  I dread the first glance at the stick because I have developed a fear of seeing the single line and corresponding white space.  And why do I torture myself by not throwing out that single line piece of cardboard right away?  I know a second line will not mysteriously appear several hours later, but I still go back and look, again and again and again.

My beta date is tomorrow but I told myself I would test today since it's Sunday and I need to come to terms with a negative on Sunday, not on Monday when I'm trying to concentrate on work.   

So as of yesterday and today... I am in tears on & off.  I attribute all of the drugs to making me so emotional.  Yesterday I made an effort to enjoy the day and took the dogs on a hike (the weather is gorgeous).  My girls make me laugh and smile, even when I'm sad.   They're going to make great "big sisters" one day...

Today I've not yet managed to get off the couch.  I'm going to... I'm going to take the girls out again, I don't know where?  It has to be somewhere private so if I start crying I don't draw all kinds of attention.

Thanks to Shannon for the Versatile Blogger Award nod.  I'll write a post on that when my spirits are better.

Can be seen in any light - one too many words displayed

BFN - 14dpiui #4

Tested today - 11dpiui, BFN

While it's still a bit early, I did test today... BFN.  I'm still holding out for a BFP over the holiday weekend!!!  

Yesterday I mentioned I'd been pleased with my BBT... today it was down 1/10 of a point from where it has been ranging.  It has been in the 98.4 - 98.6+ range over the last 3 days, which is higher than normal for my last several months Luteal phase.  Today it was at 98.3.  To be honest, I don't know how much stock to put in the BBT - what I have read is that it stays elevated during Luteal phase (and this is the case with me) and continues to be elevated OR EVEN climbs a bit after implantation.  

I slept well last night and I've been having the greatest dreams the last couple of nights about getting my BFP!!!  It's so REAL.... 

No News is Not Good News

For the few friends and my sister who I am keeping up to date on TTC, they get it.  My mom, on the other hand, I've had to explain that no news is NOT good news, so if there is no news, please don't ask (or at least wait a day or two).  

Getting a BFN first thing in the morning when I have to get ready for a Monday at the office is enough to deal with, or repress...  the only call I'm going to make is to the clinic to report in and request instructions.  Then I'm going to put it out of my head so I can make it though the day.  

If it was a BFP...  I'd be calling and texting everyone in the loop.  I'd gladly be late to work and dancing on air.  If it's a BFP, my sharing is not going to be an issue... you wont have to wait to hear from me, you will hear!

The return call from the nurse came while at the office during a meeting.  I stepped away long enough to answer and be instructed to stop the progesterone (already taken today so I'll stop tomorrow) and call when AF arrives, or by Friday if AF  has not arrived.  Walking back to my desk I couldn't give in to the thoughts in my head because the tears would follow.... and in my open work environment - that can't happen.

So I'll stop the progestrone tomorrow... but of course I'll still test until AF arrives... holding out that last bit of hope.  But everything indicates a second cycle failure.

I thought that maybe (since this month is a bust) I'm supposed to get a 39th birthday present (Aug 7)... but I just calculated the dates and since my period is late this month it would be a LATE birthday present... which makes for a stressful birthday.

Now that I'm home from work, the trash & recycling are at the curb, the dogs have been fed and I have a glass of wine (why not?) I can let myself feel sad for the loss of this try. [tear sliding down my left cheek]

BFN #1 and at the Starting Line Again

My Two Week Wait ended early with a BFN (Big Fat Negative).

All through my first cycle of trying I had convinced myself that I was going to be one of the lucky ones that gets pregnant on the first try.  Even my RE said everything was exactly as she likes it to be at the time of my IUI; I was sure that was a sign it would be successful.  My mindset could be called "the power of positive thinking" or optimism... the only problem is it didn't prepare me for dealing with a Negative.

I was supposed to test Thursday, June 17, and no earlier per my RE.  Of course, I took my first test on Monday and it was Negative.  I was really disappointed (all day) even though it was earlier than the doctor instructed.  I was 12 days past IUI and that really should have been enough time to show a positive - if I was pregnant.  

Tuesday was worse...  I convinced myself NOT to test on Tuesday so my day wouldn't be impacted if I got a negative again.  But it was still bothering me... That morning I met with my nutritionist, however less than 10 minutes into her session I told her I couldn't concentrate, we needed to reschedule and I walked out blinking back tears.  

When I got to the office and went to the bathroom, I was spotting.  (Beware, this may be TMI)  The spotting was clotty and not my usual pre-period spotting so I wanted to believe it was Implantation Bleeding.  I knew that wasn't logical either - it was past the time I would experience Implantation Bleeding.  

By Tuesday evening, Flo had made her appearance.  While still disappointed, I accepted that it didn't happen on the first try.  And I felt some satisfaction that at least I was straight into my next cycle (no waiting between BFN and starting again).

Here's hoping & praying that the second time is the charm!