Beta #3

*pregnancy discussed*

It took nearly 11 hours to get the results of my bloodwork this morning!  I can't complain since I wasn't even supposed to have my HCG checked, the purpose of the draw was to check my estradiol and progesterone levels.  But every hour after 3pm I got a little more anxious.

Beta#3 is 2561.  I was hoping for something above 3300 so I was a little concerned with the number.  My nurse told me the number is good.  When I questioned her about doubling she assured me the number is good and that after a period of time the HCG doubling time slows.

I consulted Dr. Goo.gle and he confirmed that the number is good.  The doubling time is fine as long as it doubles within 72 hours (mine doubled in 52 hours).

My nurse told me that next week at my ultrasound that we should see a sac, fetal pole and heartbeat.  Oh, I hope and pray we do!


I continue in my cautiously happy state-of-mind.  I met up with some of the other local SMC girls this weekend and it was so nice to finally be able to be pregnant... moving beyond the long, difficult TTC stage.  It made it feel a little more real.

This morning at my blood draw, when no other patients were in the lab, I whispered to my phlebotomist who has drawn my blood dozens upon dozens of times "I'm finally pregnant".  She was so excited and started to tear up... which made me start to tear up.

My local IVF nurse walked by when I was in the RE office today.  She stopped, did a double take and said "I'm so excited for you".  And she really meant it!

I also got a call from my CC.RM doctor tonight (he said he was out last week).  He congratulated me on my success.

All of these moments add up and continue to make it a little more real for me.

Thanks to each of you who commented on my 11.11.11 post about my BFP!  I know that you are happy to see me reach this milestone... even as I'm trying to accept it as real.

And for my IF friends still in the trenches, you have my absolute support.  I have truly found a cause that I will continue to carry with me and support.  I will do my best to be respectful of the IF community as I move into the next stage of "pregnant after infertility".

Don't forget to take a minute to enter my first Giveaway for a POM Charm of your choice!  Help spread the word about this great symbol of strength, hope and support for the infertility community.  You don't have to be infertile to participate; my goal is to spread the word and each person who reblogs my post will be helping to spread the word!

11.11.11

I'm a liar. It was a lie to protect myself in this cruel world of infertility.  It was a lie in my own best interest.  I hope those to whom I told the lie will understand and forgive me.  It's the first blatant lie I've told in the entire time I've been TTC.

I told many, who knew I was going to CC.RM for my last cycle, that I was not doing a transfer at this time.  Most patients of CC.RM opt for CCS (genetic) testing of the embryos which requires that they are frozen and a FET is done at a later time, after the results are complete.

But the truth is that because my ODWU AFC was so low (5) the chances that I'd have blasts to test was so low that I didn't sign up for the CCS testing (you have to sign up before the cycle starts)... and it's expensive!  And it's the same price regardless of the number of embryos you have to test!  My logic, as discussed with the doctor, was that I'd probably end up transferring however many embryos as I'm lucky enough to have available to transfer, and probably on Day 3 (CCS requires embryos make it to blast).  

When my cycle turned around and ended up being so good, I seriously regretted that I had not signed up for CCS testing.  I think I'm one of the very few who go to CC.RM and do not do the testing!

1 9-cell and 2 8-cell "perfect" embryos

On Day 3, the embryologist and Dr. Surry said I had 3 perfect embryos that were standing out (and three more that were just a step behind them) so he recommended that I go ahead with a fresh D3 transfer.  So on Halloween day, I had 1 9-cell and 2 8-cell "perfect" embryos transferred to my 11mm 3-stripe lining. I had marvelous acupuncture before & after the transfer, it was a really great transfer experience!

My Special Transfer Slippers!

On Wednesday, November 2 I was finally able to travel home after 15 days in Colorado.  The doctor tells his patients to use wheelchair/cart assistance at the airport.  THAT, my friends, was quite an experience for a healthy, independent - I can do it, I don't need help -  kind of person.  But, as much as I had to swallow my pride in the wheelchair/cart, I am glad I did it.  Denver is a huge airport!!  I also had to ask for help from random strangers on the plane to lift/remove my carry-on from overhead storage, as we're told not to lift more than 10lbs during the 2ww.  If it means a chance for success, I'll swallow my pride!!

Not even a week into the 2ww I felt my usual lower back period cramping.  I've been on so much progesterone and estrogen support that there was no way AF would actually show up before my beta.  I've had no symptoms, just the period cramps which really crushed me.  I was so crushed that I did not POAS AT ALL  and if you've been reading for any length of time you know I'm a POAS addict.


First, I didn't want to POAS until after work Thursday because I needed to be able to try to concentrate.  I collected my FMU on both Wednesday & Thursday but I didn't dip a stick.  I decided I needed to wait until after my blood draw and if I had a confirmed BFN on HPT I'd be sad a blubbering mess when I went in to my local RE for beta, so I would POAS AFTER my blood draw.  But that morning I decided that I made it this far without POAS, I could wait until after I got the results from the nurse.  I wanted to delay the crushing pain of another BFN (after such a great cycle) as long as possible...

My beta on Friday was 70!  I was truly stunned.  I was certain it was another BFN... that's all I know is BFN.  Did they mix up my blood with someone elses?  I spent the rest of the day in a haze.  I went to Target but ended up just wandering without purpose unable to focus for a minute on my list of things I needed to get.... except for a digital HPT!

11dp3dt - 11/11/11   Beta: 70
HPT taken AFTER Beta results provided

Saturday was full of cautious happiness.  I found myself smiling and fully interacting with people more than I have in quite a while.  It was the best day I've had in a long time!

Sunday I was a nervous wreck waiting on results from the 2nd Beta.  I was paralyzed, unable to leave the house, or do much more than sit on the couch. The second beta was at 13dp3dt was 201, just 9 points shy of tripling!  The nurse said no more betas are necessary. My first ultrasound is 11/28, I'll be 6w3d and should be able to see the heartbeat (God Willing).

I later dipped HPTs in the Wednesday, Thursday and Friday FMU collections that I kept by my toilet (collecting urine: desperate measures of a woman in the 2ww).  After looking at the results, I will tell you that I would have driven myself insane analyzing the faint lines on the cheap sticks... AND these are the sticks that are supposed to read HCG as low as 10ml.  Even the stick from my beta day was super faint.  I'm glad that I waited, for a change.

Today, I asked begged my nurse to add another HCG order for me next week.  I have to have my estradiol and progesterone checked on Monday anyway.  I told her that my sanity and ability to sleep were at risk!  She relented so I am having a third beta on the 21st!

So here I am... happy to report to my wonderful blog friends who have been such an amazing support through 10 ART cycles, that I'm a little bit pregnant!  I'm cautiously happy... which is much happier than I've been in far too long!!

I've got my CC.RM miracle and if everything goes just right, there will be a healthy baby in my arms come July 2012!!!

**For my IRL friends who are reading, it's SUPER-EARLY... mum's the word.  Thanks!!

IVF Instructions

While these instructions are specific to me, I thought sharing them might be helpful for anyone who will be going through IVF.  This is a glimpse into the instructions provided the day before retrieval, paraphrased.

Note, I'm removing references to "partner" since I'm using donor sperm and I have friends on point for drop off/pick up.

1. Nothing to eat or drink after midnight, not even water
2. Report in exactly 1 hour prior to procedure (DO NOT BE LATE).  Wear comfortable clothing and socks.  Do not wear jewelry or makeup. Do not wear cologne or perfumed products.  Wear glasses (not contacts). Bring picture ID.
3. You may experience some discomfort after retrieval.  Bring your Vicodin in case you have discomfort.
4. Activity: Anesthesia will gradually wear off.  Do not drive, rest quietly at home through the remainder of the day; do not work. Tomorrow, you may participate in light activities if you are feeling well.  Eat light meals as tolerated.  
5. You may experience cramping or vaginal bleeding.  You may use sanitary napkins and take Tylenol as needed.  Call if you experience continued or severe cramping or bleeding, or if you develop a fever.  Do not use tampons.
6. Do not stop taking medications until instructed by your IVF nurse.
• Begin Medrol the night of retrieval.  Take as directed for 6 nights
7. Day after retrieval, IVF nurse will call and report how many eggs fertilized to make embryos.  
• The transfer will be performed on day 3 or 5 and occasionally on day 6 following retrieval (retrieval is day 0)
• The embryologist & physician will determine the day of transfer based on the number of dividing embryos as well as your specific clinical situation.
• Actual time of transfer will be scheduled 1 or 2 days in advance
• If the clinical situation changes we may need to move your transfer (from day 3 to day 5 or 6)
8. Begin PIO shots 2 days after retrieval.  Continue once daily until pregnancy test.  You will be given further instructions after pregnancy test result.

Embryo Transfer Instructions

1. Arrive 30 minutes prior to your scheduled transfer time
2. Bring your Valium with you to take at arrival
3. Prior to your transfer start drinking water to fill your bladder
4. You will be awake during transfer.  You will stay at rest on the bed for 30 minutes after transfer.
5. Do not wear perfume, cologne, etc
6. Your first pregnancy test will be approximately 12 days afer transfer.  Remember you will have a series of 3 pregnancy tests and the first is a baseline.  Your IVF nurse will give further instructions based on test results.  Good luck!

According to my instruction sheet, my first beta will be 12/23... This is pushed up much closer to Christmas than I expected.  I'm going to ask if my first beta can be 12/22... as I plan to leave that day to be with my family for Christmas.  We'll be spending Christmas in a small town in the mountains, about 3 hours from where I live.  I'll have to see if I can find another location that will do the bloodwork, for beta #2 and #3 to confirm a BFP!  ...I'm thinking positive here.

Also, the PIO that was sent expires on 12/19...  I guess I'll have to order more to make it to the betas, and beyond.

Seven Things (Virtual Blogger Award)

Finally... my response to the Versitle Blogger Award.  

I don't deserve the award given the long delay in putting my response together. I'm trying to figure out why I was having trouble making myself put this post together? Other than receiving the nod during my 5th BFN something has been holding me back... I'm not quite sure still what has been holding me back, but here goes.

Here are the rules:

• Thank and link back to the person nice enough to give you the award
• Share seven things about yourself
• Pass the award along to seven other bloggers who you think are fabulous
• Contact the bloggers you chose and let them know about the award

First, a thank you to all of the nods that came my way. I am afraid I didn't capture everyone who gave me a shout-out... and for this I am sorry. I was not tracking and figured that I would go back and reread those blogs... now so much time has past I'm sure I'll be leaving someone out... but here goes: THANKS GOES TO...  

• Shannon @ Chasing Rainbows,  who I met through a group of SMC's "in real life", before we connected in the blogsphere 
• Faith @ Exploring My Options  who I feel like I've known a long time... and my youngest dog's namesake
• Jay @ Stork Stalking - scientist, bookworm, excellent blogger and got her first (great) beta today Congrats Jay
• Nell @ Skating on the Edge of Madness  a teacher who I love to read because she does a great job of expressing the experience of SMC TTC
• Baby Chase Project - who just finished her 2ww with a bit of a cruel tease, unfortunately not the desired result.  I'm so sorry, TTC is such an emotional rollercoaster  
• One additional 'nod' to misconceived who reminded me that people did want to read about my 'seven things'.

Seven things about me...

1.  I'm an introverted extrovert.  My friends would disagree with this statement but I do have to know someone well, feel comfortable and accepted in order to open up and be myself.  I'm simply not good at small talk so that sometimes makes me come across as quiet or unsociable.

2.  I'm actually allergic to shellfish but never liked it or seafood. 

3.  I'm a reformed workaholic.  My average work week used to be 60+ hours (which explains the 39 and never married, I threw myself into my work).  Things changed when I got laid off last year... it was a very difficult lesson but I have come out on the other side no longer interested in ladder climbing or title chasing.  I'm STILL learning what to do with all of this additional time now that I don't work 24/7.

4.  I'm a reformed careless spender.  This goes hand-in-hand with the layoff mentioned above.  For so many years I would buy something when I wanted it, always pay full price and never blink.  I had a boat!  Now I enjoy consignment stores, clip coupons, buy in bulk or I just don't buy at all.

5.  My house is FAR too big for a single woman, this goes along with the careless spending.  My house is great, in a fabulous neighborhood but it's 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 2800 square feet with a mortgage that now, in my reformed ways, makes me uncomfortable.  I would love to downsize but obviously we all know the state of the real estate market...

6.  I grew up in South Florida... my entire family is still there, along with a couple of close friends. I'd love to be near my family again but just can't imagine living in that heat/humidity again; if it were not for the climate, I'd be back there.

7.  I am so scared.  After six IUI tries, five failed, one unknown yet.  IVF is not a sure thing.  How much money do I spend TTC?  How much emotion and heartbreak do I allow?  TTC puts me in this place I have labeled 'Mid-Life Limbo' where I'm in a constant state of waiting, not really moving forward, but waiting to do so.  I'm not prepared for this not to work, I'm not prepared if being a mom is not in God's plan for my life.

As mentioned by several in our SMC blog community, I believe we have passed this award around to each other quite a bit.  Going with their theme, I'm not going to recycle the award back through the community.

Tested today - 11dpiui, BFN

While it's still a bit early, I did test today... BFN.  I'm still holding out for a BFP over the holiday weekend!!!  

Yesterday I mentioned I'd been pleased with my BBT... today it was down 1/10 of a point from where it has been ranging.  It has been in the 98.4 - 98.6+ range over the last 3 days, which is higher than normal for my last several months Luteal phase.  Today it was at 98.3.  To be honest, I don't know how much stock to put in the BBT - what I have read is that it stays elevated during Luteal phase (and this is the case with me) and continues to be elevated OR EVEN climbs a bit after implantation.  

I slept well last night and I've been having the greatest dreams the last couple of nights about getting my BFP!!!  It's so REAL.... 

I forgot to test... sort of

Today is 10dpiui (counting the day of IUI).  Habitually, I'm an early tester.  Personally I've found early testing "easier" than waiting and waiting only to be disappointed.  Early testing allows for a gradual disappointment - or the earliest possible sign of a BFP!!!  

Throughout each 2ww I spend time negotiating with myself about when I'll start testing.  This is a constant debate during the 2ww that gets more difficult by the day.  At the beginning of this 2ww I decided I'd wait until 12dpiui to start testing (Saturday).  

When I went to bed last night I still was set on testing 12dpiui.  Problem is, ever since I wrote my last post talking about how I was managing my stress and not losing sleep, I've been waking up at 1:30am and unable to get back to sleep until 3 or 4am.  Yes, I'm tired.  But it's not work stress keeping me up (work is much better this week)...  it's just a million different things going through my head.   

So somewhere around 4am this morning I decided I was going to go ahead and test this morning.  

But when I woke up, took my BBT (I've been very happy with my BBT all week, nice and spiked), then got up and went to the bathroom...  I forgot to POAS (test).  Oops. Oh well.  I'll just wait until tomorrow... or maybe even Saturday.

Feeling good and praying for a BFP!!!

New "old" service, new "old" job, new "old" company

Not much more than 10 years ago, an internet outage would not be a big deal... we were all still getting used to having the internet at home... now an outage creates much frustration...  I've not been able to work from home, I've not been able to blog, I have to email from my iPhone (that gets old), I have not been able to start searching for a new donor and I'm super-behind on Facebook on-goings!

After a week without internet service (and not the first time this summer) I decided to go back to my old provider... it was not as fast but at least it was always available.  

As you would expect, while I was waiting for the installation of the "new" (old) service today, the current service finally came back online... and has now been online for over FOUR HOURS!  As of this moment I have TWO strong connections in the house... I'm still dumping the inconsistent service because I am going to really rely on good service going forward because...

I'm going back to my "old" company... as in... I got a new job at the company that laid me off last year, the company to whom I'd dedicated 11 years!  I actually had TWO offers this week and just accepted the RIGHT one today.  

I've been looking at going back as my original plan was to retire with this company.  It really STUNG to be laid off, to put it mildly...  I had grown to have an ego about my career and I felt invincible to layoff's.  But in my ladder climbing I took a role that was  to take me to the next level and then the role turned out not to be what was promised (a whole other blog post is needed to cover this topic)... and that was the beginning of the end.  

I had an opportunity to go back immediately after the layoff, but at the time the environment had become toxic (I'm sure as many of you experienced at many other companies last year)... due to all of the layoffs taking place seemingly daily over several months... and the anxiety of the wait to find out if today would be the day they would cut me...  

I was so relieved when it finally happened!  The idea of going back at the time was nauseating.  If I had it to do over again, I would have gone right back... but there are no points for "armchair quarterback".

Over the last year I've had some great experiences and some truly crappy times.  After freelancing and realizing it wouldn't come close to covering my mortgage payment I went back to consulting for another company.  It pays the bills (quite well) but the benefits stink, there are no benefits.  The people are great, but the subject matter I'm working with is so very boring (to me) and I've not been challenged from the start.  It's been great for work-life balance, which is a new concept to me... but for someone who has defined so much of myself, my confidence from my professional abilities, I've been like a lost puppy, and gained 30lbs (that's another blog post too).  Now, I'm ready to go home.

And the ironic thing is I'll truly be HOME... home to the company where I've already invested 11 years... and from MY home.  It's a team that is all remote from all over the US.  While part of me is afraid I could go stir-crazy living alone, being single and working from home, right now I like the idea.   I'll save well over $1000 a year on parking.  I hope to make semi-frequent lunch plans with my stay-at-home mom friends to get me out of the home office during the day.  And just think of how much money I'll save because I wont need a professional maternity wardrobe!!!

So I need my reliable new "old" internet service to enable me to excel in my new "old" job with my new "old" company.  

Now I can still dream I'll get a BFP sometime in the next several days...  New job & new baby would make for the BEST 39th birthday... the best birthday ever!

**Note, I wrote this post Thursday night as a storm was blowing through... by the time I tried to post - I lost service on BOTH ISP's.  I'm back up on the new "old" service while the current service is still down.  Good decision on my part to switch!

No News is Not Good News

For the few friends and my sister who I am keeping up to date on TTC, they get it.  My mom, on the other hand, I've had to explain that no news is NOT good news, so if there is no news, please don't ask (or at least wait a day or two).  

Getting a BFN first thing in the morning when I have to get ready for a Monday at the office is enough to deal with, or repress...  the only call I'm going to make is to the clinic to report in and request instructions.  Then I'm going to put it out of my head so I can make it though the day.  

If it was a BFP...  I'd be calling and texting everyone in the loop.  I'd gladly be late to work and dancing on air.  If it's a BFP, my sharing is not going to be an issue... you wont have to wait to hear from me, you will hear!

The return call from the nurse came while at the office during a meeting.  I stepped away long enough to answer and be instructed to stop the progesterone (already taken today so I'll stop tomorrow) and call when AF arrives, or by Friday if AF  has not arrived.  Walking back to my desk I couldn't give in to the thoughts in my head because the tears would follow.... and in my open work environment - that can't happen.

So I'll stop the progestrone tomorrow... but of course I'll still test until AF arrives... holding out that last bit of hope.  But everything indicates a second cycle failure.

I thought that maybe (since this month is a bust) I'm supposed to get a 39th birthday present (Aug 7)... but I just calculated the dates and since my period is late this month it would be a LATE birthday present... which makes for a stressful birthday.

Now that I'm home from work, the trash & recycling are at the curb, the dogs have been fed and I have a glass of wine (why not?) I can let myself feel sad for the loss of this try. [tear sliding down my left cheek]