Call me Crazy... and hopeful

It turns out the dogs did not get their day at the park on Sunday... I kept getting emotional so I never actually left the house...  but you all were right, based on your comments... I needed to cry it out.  And cry it out I did!!!   Your feedback was so therapeutic... even though it did make me cry even more at the time...  your support was key to my healing.

Monday, I felt much better.  I wasn't happy that I just experienced another BFN... but I felt I had done my grieving for the cycle and hit acceptance.

I felt the same way when I got up this morning.  But as any long-term TTC-er will do, until AF arrives, you must POAS.  This morning I did POAS first thing.  And when I saw the white space with the single line I dismissed it without the typical over-analyzation of the 2ww....  I had already stopped my progesterone supplements and notified the nurse on Monday about my BFN.

So during my 8:30 conference call, I pick up the stick...  suddenly, I realized (while on Mute) that there is something resembling a second line... something more than I've seen in all of these months of HPT testing.  It was faint... very faint.  I walked out to my backyard where the sunlight was streaming to verify whether I was actually seeing something...  I think I do...  it certainly looks like there could be something that looks like a line, at a certain angle, in good sunlight...

I grab my last digital test and go back to the bathroom where the cup still sits (I don't actually POAS... I use little disposable shot glass size cups).  While I wait for the digital HPT to process... I start to worry since I didn't take my progesterone yesterday.  If I actually am pregnant... then I need my progesterone... but if I'm not pregnant... I don't want to take the progesterone and delay my cycle further .  

And still, while I'm waiting for the digital HPT to process, I looked at the stick again in the sunlight... and still think I might see something...  so I decided that it didn't matter what the digital said... I needed a Beta (bloodwork) to know for sure.  

The digital processed a... BFN.  I still picked up my cell phone and left the nurse a message that I wanted a bloodtest to verify whether or not I'm pregnant.  

So be it... blood drawn... I'm either pregnant or crazy...

The nurse called, the blood test was negative.  Insanity confirmed!

I knew with the whole swirl of the morning that it was a long shot and it could be my eyes/mind playing tricks on me...  AND IT WAS...  but the HOPE I felt, I have not felt that kind of hope in a long time... not since before the first or second BFN.  It felt good!  It felt REAL.  It was the closest to feeling like it WILL happen for me that I've felt in so long...

I didn't have to mourn the confirmed BFN today...  while I would have been thrilled if I were pregnant... the feeling of true hope... I can't explain how good it felt!

So while I'm about to start my 6th IUI cycle (AF started her visit late today)... I went ahead and scheduled an IVF consult with my doctor for Nov 2... which should be right around the end of my 6th 2ww...  but I don't want to wait until a 6th BFN to be confirmed to schedule the appointment for IVF consultation...  because at that point it would be January before I could start an IVF cycle...  this way... my November cycle will be the start of my IVF cycle (if need be).

Sorry for the long play-by-play, my friends.  Just sharing.

Here She Comes! Here she IS!!!

I can feel the symptoms that AF is on her way and will be here soon.  So far she is a day late from my normal short cycle, due to the progesterone, I presume.  

The strange thing is that after this 3rd cycle BFN  - I'm not emotional.  The first two BFN's were CRAZY-disappointing!  I was in tears off & on as I 'grieved' the failed cycle.  This cycle I moved straight into acceptance.  I think after my emotional meltdown last time around I have come to accept that this IS a process and it is all a part of the JOURNEY of motherhood.  

No doubt I'm learning valuable lessons that I've not even yet recognized.  The one lesson I have come to recognize is PATIENCE...  I feel that I now have patience to go the distance, however far the distance may be...???

In the time it took to write this brief post, she arrived.  Welcome back, Aunt Flo and the start of Cycle #4 (and a new donor, yet to be identified).

The O Wait

Now into my third cycle TTC, I can definitely say that the period between AF and Ovulation is the most boring part of the cycle.  There's nothing going on, you KNOW there is not a chance you could be pregnant, and you don't really do anything... until CD10 when you start peeing on a stick.  

I find that I blog little to none (although I still read other blogs) during the O wait.  It is refreshing because I don't think about TTC all of the time during the O wait... I think about it MUCH MUCH LESS than during the actual 2WW.  

I'm excited to spend the next couple of days with my oldest friend in the world (not in age).  Our mom's were pregnant with us at the same time (R is two months older) and lived one house apart.  We grew up one house apart and, to this day, our parents still live in those same houses.  

R is coming up from Florida for a relaxing weekend, we go for massages later this afternoon.  

Change of subject:

By the way... Since I couldn't talk to my doctor I decided to do this cycle unmedicated.  Once I POAS and it shows Ovulation, I'll go in for bloodwork and hopefully my IUI.  I will still need a progesterone supplement during the 2WW but no Clomid or Trigger shot this month.  I'm not necessarily confident that this is the best approach but since I couldn't ask my doctor and I wanted to try unmedicated, here I am.  I still have hope this cycle will be successful - I'm just not banking on it.

No News is Not Good News

For the few friends and my sister who I am keeping up to date on TTC, they get it.  My mom, on the other hand, I've had to explain that no news is NOT good news, so if there is no news, please don't ask (or at least wait a day or two).  

Getting a BFN first thing in the morning when I have to get ready for a Monday at the office is enough to deal with, or repress...  the only call I'm going to make is to the clinic to report in and request instructions.  Then I'm going to put it out of my head so I can make it though the day.  

If it was a BFP...  I'd be calling and texting everyone in the loop.  I'd gladly be late to work and dancing on air.  If it's a BFP, my sharing is not going to be an issue... you wont have to wait to hear from me, you will hear!

The return call from the nurse came while at the office during a meeting.  I stepped away long enough to answer and be instructed to stop the progesterone (already taken today so I'll stop tomorrow) and call when AF arrives, or by Friday if AF  has not arrived.  Walking back to my desk I couldn't give in to the thoughts in my head because the tears would follow.... and in my open work environment - that can't happen.

So I'll stop the progestrone tomorrow... but of course I'll still test until AF arrives... holding out that last bit of hope.  But everything indicates a second cycle failure.

I thought that maybe (since this month is a bust) I'm supposed to get a 39th birthday present (Aug 7)... but I just calculated the dates and since my period is late this month it would be a LATE birthday present... which makes for a stressful birthday.

Now that I'm home from work, the trash & recycling are at the curb, the dogs have been fed and I have a glass of wine (why not?) I can let myself feel sad for the loss of this try. [tear sliding down my left cheek]