Sunday, July 10, 2011

Hope & Fear

I was in the waiting room at the RE today, waiting to be called back for my IUI and I realized I had (all too common) conflicting emotions... I felt hopeful.  I even wore my #hope t-shirt I bought during NIAW this year.

Feeling hopeful brought on an overwhelming sense of fear.  Fear of disappointment from another failure. All I know from all of my IUI's and IVF's is failure, disappointment and heartbreak.

Dr. K was on duty today, I've seen him a lot this cycle.  He basically said this is a perfect cycle, as long as at least one egg is a good egg.  I have my 5 or 6 eggs ovulating, 22 million sperm making their way to the eggs and a healthy triple stripe lining in my uterus.

When this cycle was converted to an IUI, I basically gave up hope for the cycle at that time.  I even went back on Diet Coke and have indulged in a few glasses of wine since IVF3 was cancelled, even though I continued to stim for IUI... because IUI's have failed me for 6 cycles already.

I do question whether stimming for so long (due to my lack of response coming off the BCPs) impacted the quality of my eggs for this attempt.  Time will tell.

But today, I felt it... I felt the hope... and the fear.


*Gwinne, you asked in your comments about the clinic allowing me to do an IUI based on the number of follies I had... with my history, it's not an issue; the more follies the better, hoping that ONE might be good enough.

15 comments:

  1. Ride that wave of hope, sister. It made me smile to see you writing that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm full of hope for you! Hang tough in the 2ww and good luck...sounds like a perfect cycle!

    ReplyDelete
  3. BB, I didn't mean to question going ahead with the IUI...just curious about whether you'd considered doing IVF with 5-6 (which isn't a lot, I know, but many women go to retrieval with fewer than that and many IUI cycles are converted to IVF with those kinds of numbers). My RE was willing to go to retrieval with me at 4; 5 was my own personal minimum. Whatever gives you the best shot is a good thing!!! Got my fingers crossed for you that you've got your winning egg in that bunch!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you. This cycle sounds perfect and I want this to work for you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm feeling very hopeful for you, too! Sending up lots of good thoughts and prayers for this cycle - it's long past time for your BFP!

    ReplyDelete
  6. BB, hoping that everything goes well and everything "lines up just right." Hope is a powerful force. I personally have a t-shirt with a dandelion which says make a wish. My wish for you- a BFP.

    ReplyDelete
  7. It's such a hard combination, I know. I have lots of hope over here for you -- keep your chin up and don't let that fear creep in! Those follies need lots of hope and love to entice them to implant and (hopefully) STAY this time.
    love, inB

    ReplyDelete
  8. Good luck! I really hope that this is the one for you!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Fingers all crossed for you! Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Good luck! Maybe this is it, you just never know! And those antioxidants in the wine might just do the trick ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Sending baby vibes to you!

    ReplyDelete

Unfortunately due to an overabundance of recent spam I have turned off Anonymous commenting.