Sunday, June 3, 2012


This is a post that has been brewing since Ella was born.  I can finally sit down to write it.  I finally feel prepared to write it.  It's not easy to write.  It may not be easy for some to read (still struggling with infertility or having dealt with pregnancy loss, loss of a child), so do not read on if you fall in those categories.  

Let me start by expressing (again) how grateful I am that things are the way they are.  The most important thing to me is that Ella is here and she is growing every day!  Given everything that we have been through... infertility, severe undiagnosed preeclampsia, birth at 25 weeks, NEC... the fact that Ella is still with us is nothing short of a miracle, many, many times over!  The child (as I've always known) is meant to be!  

I know that there are so many women that I am connected with who have been through true loss.  And my heart truly breaks for them.  I've met parents in the NICU who have been through devastating loss; it's horrible and makes me so very grateful.  I won't go into further detail as those are not my stories to tell. 

The rest of this post is simply expressing and acknowledging my feelings about the lost third trimester.  

After everything happened and Ella was born I talked a lot about (but never wrote about) all of the things that I wouldn't have to experience since Ella came so early, as a way to look on the bright side.  

Bright Side
  • I never had to take the Gestational Diabetes test!  
  • I never needed a cervical sweep!  
  • I was able to avoid stretch marks!  
  • I didn't have to be super-pregnant in July!  
  • I never have to use that squirt bottle...  
What other things should I be thankful I missed out on?

Also, I don't have to worry about Ella having a (July) birthday when all of her friends are gone to camp & on vacation.  I also don't have to worry about Ella being the youngest in her class.  

But if I could go back and do anything differently, I would do anything to be able to carry Ella full term and deliver her as a happy, healthy newborn.  I would give just about anything to be able to do that for her!!

For now, I see a very pregnant woman in Target and I envy her. I hear about a newborn coming home on Facebook and I want to shake them (the parent, not the baby) to make them realize how good they have it!  I see newly post-partum bellies of mothers in NICU who obviously carried their babies far along, and I am actually jealous of them... and they have babies in NICU too!  

I feel robbed.  I feel like I was robbed of so many of the significant milestones of pregnancy.  
  • I never felt Ella kick me enough to make me satisfied.  
  • She never kicked to make me feel uncomfortable.  
  • I never felt her have the hiccups in utero.  
  • I never felt her kick from the outside.  
  • I only received ONE stranger comment, 2 weeks prior to her birth, about my pregnancy.  
  • I never had the opportunity to be obviously pregnant.  
  • I never got the waddle.  
  • I've not gotten the excitement of preparing her nursery (I still have to do it, but it's different now that she's already here... and I'm not even home to work on it). 
  • I never got to nest.  
  • I never got to feel BH contractions.  
  • I never got to wonder if this could be the week, or today could be the day I meet my baby girl.  
I HATE that my body failed us both!   That I couldn't keep either one of us safe in order to let her finish developing the way she was supposed to.  I hate that it means we don't know yet what long-term problems Ella will have to face because of this.  

Don't get me wrong, I don't dwell on this or carry it with me all of the time, there are just triggers...  I know that I can't change anything that happened.  It's just feelings that I need to acknowledge... and hopefully those feelings will subside with time.

Maybe some of this is why I can't get rid of the ticker on my blog yet?


  1. I agree, you were robbed. I don't blame you at all for feeling like you missed things. I could probably add a few things to the list so don't feel bad for saying it.

  2. It is so understandable how you feel. I agree that you were robbed of those experiences. Sorry that your journey is not the typical one but glad Ella is staying strong with you.

  3. I've felt robbed for you, it sucks that you didn't get to experience these things. And I was looking forward to watching you as you did.

    I am so thankful Ella is doing so well, but I think you have every right to mourn the normal third trimester you didn't get to have.

  4. I agree, and think it is important to take the time to mourn for this loss. Things didn't turn out as you had planned (or hoped) but she is such a strong fighter. I figure if she is this strong on the outside world, you would have been truly miserable from the strength of her kicks in utero!

    Please don't put your body down, you didn't fail to protect her. You kept her safe for 25 weeks, you brought her into this world and she is making it. Without you, she wouldn't even exist.

  5. Robbed is how I felt, too. That feeling hit in force after my boys were finally released from the NICU--after things had settled some and I was able to breathe a little without feeling like I had to be at the hospital. I think that feeling is normal.

    All you can really do, though, is focus on the blessings you have (and there are so many!).

    I'm not sure if I left this here before, but I am part of a preemie board filled with people who really get what you are going through. You do have to sign up, but it is free and the women there are very supportive.

  6. It's been said but I'll agree that you have every right to feel robbed - you absolutely were. I'm still pissed I had a stupid induction instead of a "normal" labor. Still like all of your readers I'm so glad Ella is here and thriving!

  7. You put into words how I feel too - robbed of experiences I had dreamt about my whole life. I hope you will come to some peace soon. Ella is amazing!

  8. I hear you, I really do. Although I carried my son (almost) to term, I felt robbed of a joyful pregnancy, as well as a normal delivery. Recurrent pregnancy loss took that from me.

    I'm glad Ella is doing so well, and I'm glad you're able to process what you have--and what has been taken from both of you.

  9. I hate that you were robbed of your 3rd trimester & of course you deserve to have those feelings, they don't make you any less grateful for Ella. Mourning what you didn't get to experience is healthy & hopefully healing.

  10. I can so relate to this post, as I also feel robbed of a "normal" pregnancy/delivery experience in a lot of ways. (Although, to be fair, giving birth at 34 weeks as I did is a far cry from delivering at 25 weeks. I did nest and feel kicks and have strangers comment on my hugeness, although I never did waddle.)

    I think your feelings about these things are perfectly understandable and valid. And yet your focus is also in the right place: Ella is here, alive and doing well.

  11. Everyone else have said so well... All I have to add is (((HUGS))).

  12. I can see quite clearly how you were robbed. I wish it could have been different for you.

  13. You were robbed, of many things - It is important to acknowledge it.

  14. Ella has an amazing and brave mummy, she'll take after you and have a brilliant life xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  15. It really does suck that you were not able to experience the third trimester. I have been so angry at your docs and the lab for not catching the problem. I am glad that you can voice your feelings and I am extremely glad that Ella is doing well.

  16. I'm so sorry BB, you were totally robbed. 100% agreed. But so glad you are trying to see the bright side of things, because there is nothing brighter than having her. xoxo

  17. I agree, you WERE robbed!

    And being grateful that Ella is okay doesn't mean you can grieve and being angry for that loss. I actually think it's important to let yourself feel those feelings now. For one, you need time to work through them, and two, once sweet Ella is home, you won't be able to!

    I was thrilled to see that she crossed the 3 lb mark, and that she is up to 7 cc's every 3 hours! That's enough milk that it's really nourishing her, not just developing her gut. Awesome!

  18. Reading your blog humbled me. It breaks my heart to see how much you were robbed. I wish so much that you had the pregnancy that both you and Ella deserved. I'm keeping my thoughts with both you and Ella so that you can bring her home soon.

  19. I can't even imagine what you're going through. You and Ella are in my thoughts everyday.

  20. You are totally allowed to feel robbed of these experiences because you were. You do have your Ella, but you are still allowed to feel sad about what you lost. Never apologize for it. I am glad you have this place to vent. Reading this made me really sad for you. After going through IF I know that I didn't really even believe I was going to have a baby until after 25 weeks. I can't imagine what you have been through. The difficulty and pain and happiness mixed into it, all of that must be really crazy hard on more levels than I can ever imagine. Know I think of you often and send you love.

  21. Your feelings on this are totally, totally understandable after what you've been through! I am just so glad that Ella is growing and progressing. I can only imagine the stress and pain of these last weeks for you. Wishing Ella and you can go home together as soon as possible!

  22. I'm no expert, but I think this is a really healthy reaction to what you've been through. May you and your baby girl get stronger every day.

  23. It's a loss. The loss of everything you had looked forward to experiencing. It deserves to be grieved - which it sounds like you're doing. Please don't beat yourself up in the process. You didn't fail, BB. Your determination to bring her into the world, despite so many odds, is anything but failing. You brought life to Ella. And while none of it has gone the way you planned or expected, the result is the same - your beautiful, sweet baby Ella is here.

    I'm so happy Ella is doing so well - thrilled, really:)

  24. You have every right to feel robbed! You WERE robbed. Of both positive and negative things, but things you had every right to experience as part of your journey to motherhood. And it certainly helps put things into perspective for those of us who are having different experiences, so I thank you for that. But not to say that it should have happened for that reason - not at all! I'm just happy to keep reading about how well Ella is doing these days! Your body isn't failing her anymore - it's producing the milk that's helping her grow so much and get so much stronger and healthier! Keep up the good work, and keep letting your honest feelings flow...

  25. Wow, I'm new to your blog and have just been catching up on your incredible journey. Congratulations on Ella, and my sympathies for your losses, and lots of empathy and compassion too.

    You are an absolutely amazing woman!

    I will be following your's and Ella's story from now on.

    Strangely but truly, I refer to my son as BB when in blogland, and his birthday is 21st July - that makes me feel some kind of extra connection to you.

    Much 'get stronger and stronger Ella' love from across the pond


  26. When L was born at 30 weeks I felt cheated, and I felt that way for a long time. You have a right to the way you feel, and I think it feels all the more unfair knowing how hard we had to work to even get pregnant in the first place. My only advice is try to focus on the positives, and hold on to the gains Ella makes. For me it was one day at a time. Much love to you both.

  27. I've just been catching up on blogs after a long hiatus. Wow. You have every right to feel robbed. From the time of that first BFP your mid is full of firsts. A number of those firsts were taken from you. I'm sorry for that. Thinking of you and Ella.

  28. I'm just catching up on your blog now; I had no idea how much you and Ella have been through. I'm sorry I haven't been here for you. Thinking of both you strong ladies. xox


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