The Other Side of IVF

I didn't want to miss an opportunity to share this article (and the video of the interview is good too) which appeared in the WSJ on Saturday.  Holly Finn, author of "The Baby Chase" (and a 42 year old SMC wannabe) talks about being on the other side of the IVF statistics, when IVF does not work.

Detox Cycle

So the long-shot, hail Mary IUI (83 injections worth) was a bust.  While my beta date was not scheduled until next Tuesday, July 26 (why 16dpiui, I don't know), I started spotting Wednesday afternoon and AF arrived today (CD30).  Yes, I was supplementing with progesterone.  Actually, for whatever reason, it was prometrium  this cycle, rather than progesterone.

So this cycle is to be a detox from the super-hormones.  I estimate my next cycle will start around August 18... and I'll head to CC.RM between CD 5 - 11 of that cycle for their ODWU (one day work up, aka - a full day of testing).  At BEST, I would start stimming for my next IVF mid-September.  And since the PGD requires freezing my embryos and uterus preparation, I'll be lucky to have a FET by the end of the year.

Sadly, I'll turn 40 childless, not pregnant, single and overweight.  Not exactly how I envisioned hitting 40... but I can take control of the things I can control.

Since I have, in a sense, a break for the rest of the year (although I'm not getting any younger)... I'm formulating a plan to work on my health (fitness) and maybe get some resemblance of my life back.  The life I've put on hold for far too long.  I'm working on the plan and starting to take action.  I'll share more once I'm farther along.

You may not hear much from my blog for a little while.  I'm not gone, but I am on a break.  I appreciate all of your ongoing support.  I expect I'll continue reading but forgive me if I'm not commenting much.  I'm going to try to extract myself from the SMC, TTC, IF world as much as I can during this time.  My goal is to exchange my TTC/IF OCD for Health & Fitness OCD...  Until next time, I wish each of you the best!!!

Girls Weekend

My two oldest friends came to town on Thursday for our girls weekend, the one to celebrate our turning 40 this year.  It's the weekend we originally wanted to go somewhere tropical and luxurious but my infertility got in the way...  but they didn't make me feel like spending the weekend with me in Char.lotte was any less spectacular than it would have been in the Caribbean or Mexico.

The Backstory
These friends, you must understand, go back to in-utero.

RL was born 2 months before me.  When we were born our parents lived in the same neighborhood, our houses were just 1 house apart (her mom and my parents, to this day, still live in the same homes!).    We went to Montessori together but then went to different schools for elementary and high school.

UD moved in 1 house down on the other side of me when we were all 4 years old (she's an October baby). We all became the best of friends.  UD and I went to the same middle & high school.  We walked to/from the bus stop together every day.  RL's boyfriend used to drive us/pick us up for high school our Sophomore year (because he went to our school).

Funny story that both RL and UD had parrots at their house... my  house being in the middle heard the squawking from both sides!

UD & RL were roommates at the same college!  Today they still live in my hometown (they are definitely a driving reason for me to consider moving home).

We played barbies together. We went to RL's for MTV's debut (I wasn't allowed to have MTV).  We played tons of Atari tennis at RL's (my parents wouldn't buy me video games).  UD's family had HBO (are you kidding, we absolutely NEVER had HBO)!!!

Growing up in FL we were very clever about how to crack coconuts, although we realized how clever our parents were to send us outside to find a coconut with a screwdriver and a hammer... we were out of their hair all day.  We choreographed a dance to Prince's "When Doves Cry", which we reenacted this weekend, surprisingly (or sadly) accurately.

We founded the Huffy Kid Club, for the kids in the neighborhood who had Huffy bikes (that would just be RL and UD) and I was an exception even though I had a Schwinn.

Recent History
RL and UD don't see each other very often although they live a mile apart... busy lives, although they do see each other occasionally (RL actually lives around the corner from my sister). Whenever I make it to my hometown (maybe twice a year) we are sure to get together!

Three years ago we went to NYC together, finally, after talking about doing a trip together for years.  We saw a broadway show (Legally Blonde), shopped, got our palms read and took in the experience of the city together.

We've been talking about doing something to mark our 40th year together for years.  We talk about retiring in the same community (although since they have kids ranging from college age to elementary school age, I am trailing behind in being able to retire, after kids).

They are super supportive and sincerely sympathetic of what I'm going through trying to become a SMC overcoming infertility.  My heart was happy because there was no judgment or 'why don't you just...' statements.  They even understand my current weight gain is much due to the year of super-hormones.  


The Weekend

Courtesy of Google Images

Shortly after they landed we headed to a Zumba class, which was a riot!  We then went to the grocery store where they continued to showcase their new zumba moves up and down the aisles trying to embarrass me, they have always lived to embarrass me.

Friday, we had massages and facials scheduled at the spa.  We were welcome to go early, which we did, to use their gym and pool.  We even had lunch catered poolside.  The entire day was such a treat!

We went to see Bridesmaids later that evening.  If you have not seen it, you must!  It was absolutely hysterical!  I actually laughed until I screamed!!!

We tried to get our palms read but didn't have luck finding a 'reputable' astrologer in Char.lotte.  We took it as a sign that we were not meant to have our palms read at this time (I'm not sure that's anything but a bad sign).

We shopped on Saturday and went out to dinner and then a local pub.

Each of us are experiencing significant, life-changing shit in our lives; each shit is different than the other.  Yet we talked and supported each other.  We talked and laughed and cried.

While spending the weekend with RL and UD makes me remember how blessed I am to have such amazing friends, when I left them at the airport, I choked back tears.
 

Hope & Fear

I was in the waiting room at the RE today, waiting to be called back for my IUI and I realized I had (all too common) conflicting emotions... I felt hopeful.  I even wore my #hope t-shirt I bought during NIAW this year.

Feeling hopeful brought on an overwhelming sense of fear.  Fear of disappointment from another failure. All I know from all of my IUI's and IVF's is failure, disappointment and heartbreak.

Dr. K was on duty today, I've seen him a lot this cycle.  He basically said this is a perfect cycle, as long as at least one egg is a good egg.  I have my 5 or 6 eggs ovulating, 22 million sperm making their way to the eggs and a healthy triple stripe lining in my uterus.

When this cycle was converted to an IUI, I basically gave up hope for the cycle at that time.  I even went back on Diet Coke and have indulged in a few glasses of wine since IVF3 was cancelled, even though I continued to stim for IUI... because IUI's have failed me for 6 cycles already.

I do question whether stimming for so long (due to my lack of response coming off the BCPs) impacted the quality of my eggs for this attempt.  Time will tell.

But today, I felt it... I felt the hope... and the fear.


*Gwinne, you asked in your comments about the clinic allowing me to do an IUI based on the number of follies I had... with my history, it's not an issue; the more follies the better, hoping that ONE might be good enough.

83

No, that's not a beta number.  It's the NUMBER OF INJECTIONS that I've completed over 15 days of Stims for this (now) IUI cycle.

Oh, how times have changed... I was recently reminiscing with my RN friend, the same friend who insisted on staying with me after IVF2.0 transfer - along with her family, about my first IUI when I drove 30 minutes to her house for my first EVER trigger shot.  And then how proud I was of myself when I was able to do my first EVER self-injection.  Who knew???

Somebody check with Guinness... I think this must be a world record number of injections for an IUI.

PS... trigger was tonight.  I've got 5 or 6 follies between 17 - 21 at this time.  IUI on Sunday.

BUMP (aka Cancelled)

Courtesy of Google Images

So there is yet another bump in the road on the way to my baby bump.  My ovaries are not responding and my follicles are not growing and estrogen is not rising... they are all 5mm or less, one is 6mm and one is 10mm.  I am cursing the damn Birth Control Pills... which I didn't want to take in the first place as a lead in to this cycle.  I'm f*&ing OVERSURPRESSED.  Not that my doctor used those words, but I have NEVER had issues with follicle response and this protocol worked beautifully during IVF2 (without the BCP lead-in).  Yes, I am a bit pissed.

I was given the option to continue meds and convert to an IUI (which is what I was thinking would be the best option) or stop the meds and start a estrogen/progesterone to stimulate the receptors on my ovaries in order to lead in to a new cycle.

I am electing to convert to an IUI because this was to be my last IVF locally.

I'm in the midst of a quick cry due to disappointment and hormones... but I've already contacted CCRM to get the ball rolling.  By my estimation I'll head out there for initial testing at the end of July.

Happy 4th everyone!!