Week from Hell

I had a good post written for you all in my head yesterday, and now that I have time to sit down and write - I can't remember what I was going to say!?!

If you have not been keeping up with CaringBridge, we have had a difficult week.  We are blessed that we did not lose Ella over the last few days, it's been rough.

She developed a condition called NEC, but was not diagnosed with it.  She had exploratory surgery on Wednesday at noon where the diagnosis was confirmed and they removed 20-25cm of "dead bowel".

Tuesday - Wednesday were the hardest, most frightening days of my entire life.  I'm sitting by her bedside now and don't have the energy to go into the emotional detail.  I prefer, at this time, to leave it in the past.

I do remember saying to myself that "this won't last" (as in these awful moments will not be here forever, we will know more at some point), I just didn't know if I would have my sweet Ella with me when the moments were over, so I was trying to spend as much time soaking her in as I was able.  I was so glad I had taken the video that I shared in my last post.  So much fear and uncertainty.

I also wanted Ella to have peace, in some ways that meant in whatever way would best bring her peace.  But I didn't want to imagine my life without her either... I couldn't, can't.

Her vital signs began to improve almost immediately after surgery, but still had a ways to go.  Since then her vitals are mostly in the 'normal' range with a couple of exceptions.

The biggest thing we are working on now is getting her to LOSE weight.  Actually fluid.  She went from 1.14 lbs on Monday to 2.11 last night.  We knew she already was carrying fluid but now she likely has a good full lb of fluid she's been holding on to.  We started to get pee last night and it continues to get more (volume) each diaper.  This is good, as her kidneys are starting to function again.

As I mentioned on CB, transfer is currently off the table and not a topic of conversation.  We are actually joking that I will simply sell the house and move to Asheville now verses chancing what Ella will do next time to avoid going back to Charlotte.

I miss you all and I miss this blog.  I also miss keeping up with everyone else's blog.  I should have some time this afternoon, until my laptop battery drains.  Thanks to each of you for your love and prayers.

Just please don't tell me that "everything happens for a reason" or "God only gives you what you can handle"... if I hear that again I may kick some serious a$$.

We would be 30 weeks gestationally today.  Ella is 4 weeks 4 days old.

Today I received my first "Happy Mothers Day" from a friendly janitor in the NICU.  Wow.  That's not hit me yet... the meaning of being a mom on mothers day, after everything, all of these years.

I'll leave you with a good picture I took of Ella on Sunday, just before she went back on the CPAP (the beginning of our backslide).  This was knitted by a sweet twitter friend and is just too adorable!  I can't wait until she can wear it again, for more than a 30 second photo op (through the incubator).

HopefulCC, I need to email you... I plan to do that after I post this... if I don't get pulled away or distracted.

MamaCam: Hiccups

Well, have I been gone that long?  Blogger posting design has changed.

Here's my first attempt at a video share.  You have to listen over the oxygen to hear her little squeaks.  I thought she was pooping but she didn't actually leave anything in the diaper.  My poop-dar needs to be tweaked yet.

Homesick

Please don't get me wrong... I am so very thankful that I am dealing with this situation than a worse alternative...  look away if you are not up for petty whining.

I'm homesick.  If you are following along on Caringbridge, you have an idea of the day to day, the great week Ella had and in general, the story.  And I'm handling it.  Most days I'm handling it with humor and a smile.

But when I get back to my room in the lovely hospitality house (that I am truly so thankful for)...  there are times I get homesick.  Especially in the shower.

I honestly think all of this would be a 'little bit easier' if I could go home at the end of the day.  You know the feeling when you walk in your house?  The 'ah, I'm home' feeling.  You are surrounded by your personal comforts.  You are in your safe place.

And I'd have my dogs.

I just don't have that here. It's a lovely place, but at the end of the day, it's a room. A twin bed.  Very little counter space (you can't wash & dry your pump parts in the same place, you have to move from bathroom to counter in bedroom for wash/dry).  I have to sit on the bed and pump.  The water pressure and temperature of the shower fluctuate frequently.  There is no TV.  I am latching on to an unsecured internet signal that is not overly reliable.  No food or drink other than water in your room.  Hospital grade sheets & towels... that sometimes have strange stains on them.

My room is by FAR better than the hospital room I was in... so it is a matter of perspective.  It's just not HOME.

Knowing that this will be my life for the next 2 - 3 months (although I'll be moving from my current location to stay at a friends house/guest room)... 

ONE DAY AT A TIME.

I really am fine and grateful.  I hope you understand the need to let it out.

Protein Levels

Here is an excerpt from my latest CaringBridge post if you are not following along.

Note - when you go to CaringBridge, you are asked for a password if you have previously established an account, as in you've followed someone else on CaringBridge in the past.  The password is not specific to my journal.  Also, I'll never know that you read my journal unless you leave a comment; I know more about my readers on Blogger than I do CB)


Other note... Ella is making some steady progress over the last couple of days (as chronicled on CB) for which I am tremendously grateful.  I've decided that I definitely do not want to duplicate posts between this site and CB on a regular basis, but still figuring out how to balance it as in the near future I just don't see how I can keep up two separate spaces at the same time.  I'm not going anywhere...  I just need to figure out the balance.  Once things calm down...

Mommy

I'm too tired tonight to go into a detail of my 'condition' and its impacts, I do need to summarize a few tidbits tonight.  My follow up with the Asheville high-risk OB is in the morning... so hopefully I can come out of that with more information and finally write that entry about my health.

I did, however, speak with my local (to Charlotte) OB today.  I called my nurse there this morning and told her I would like to know what the results of my 24 hour urine test were, the test that I completed on Thursday morning before Easter.  And additionally I told her I'd like to make an appointment to sit down (or by phone) with my doc - Dr. R - to review what led to all of this, if it could have been caught sooner, etc.  Simply put, closure.

Dr. R called me today, we had a good conversation.  I'm not going to go into the full detail on this discussion at this time, just the highlights.

*Remember, my OB appointment on Tuesday before Easter was with a different doctor in the practice, Dr. V. as patients are encouraged to rotate their appointments after 20 weeks between the different doctors in the practice in the event your doctor is not available at the time you deliver.  Fairly standard practice.

While I turned in my test to the doctors office by noon on Thursday, I'm told the results for my 24 hour urine test were not received from the lab by Dr. V until after I had already called my nurse on Monday to report what had happened and that Ella was here.  

Dr. V actually had to call the lab for the results (Dr. R was on vacation last week).  Apparently when the lab ran my test they didn't believe the results and decided to rerun the test.  I have no idea how long it takes to run these tests, I just provided the sample.

The good news is my liver was not affected, it was normal.  

I did have just a little bit of protein in my urine... below are the thresholds for protein in urine for a pregnant woman:

< 300 Normal

> 300 Pre eclampsia

>5000 Severe  Pre eclampsia

My results...  23,000

Go on, the normal response to this is OMG!!!  Yes, this is 4 1/2 TIMES the threshold for 'severe'.  You can say it again.. OMG!!!

It's a wonder I was functioning at all...  

At this point, I don't know what having this information a few days prior to when I went to the ER would have, or would not have done for Ella and me?  Obviously things happened the way they did for a reason, but there was definitely a process breakdown between the lab and the doctors office that needs to be addressed (and Dr. R sounded like those discussions were already underway).  

As I mentioned, I have a follow-up with the Asheville doctor for myself in the morning.  And Dr. R and I discussed a number of other things.  There are a lot of thoughts to put together around all of this so it's going to take some time to write that post.

CaringBridge Site for Ella

We have gotten a CaringBridge site set up for updates on Ella.  I have not quite figured out exactly how I will integrate with the blog (just give the link to you, duplicate the posts or expand on the detail of the posts in a more personal manner).

For the moment, here is the link.  I posted two Journal updates tonight to cover...

• Why did I have to have an emergency c-section at 25 weeks?
• How is Ella?

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/ella_caroline


Thank you again for all of your comments and positive support!  It means the WORLD to me and my family!!

Continuing

Just an update that things are continuing to progress day to day.  I just have not had time to write things down.  More to come as soon as I can.  Just a quick check in.

Ella wearing Grandma's wring as a bracelet while experiencing Kangaroo with Mommy (skin to skin)

Introducing Ella Caroline (15 weeks early)

While visiting my family in the mountains this past weekend, I was so miserable I went to the local ER and was diagnosed on Sunday with preeclampsia and things happened very quickly. I was transferred by ambulence to a larger hospital in Asheville with excellent high risk/NIKU care.  I ended up delivering Ella Caroline at 12:12 am Monday. She weighs 1.25 lbs and was immediately labeled a “rock star” for how well she is doing given her rate of prematurity (25w2d – her estimated due date was July 21) !

I am still fighting the effects of the preeclampsia and am pretty weak. I am having good moments but they are taken with my visits to Ella and pumping (and dealing with insurance/medical leave) so I am not texting or typing well yet. The greatest joy was visiting Ella today. When I saw Ella for the first time this morning, she knew me.  She was crying and I reached in and touched her tiny little head with one of my hands and her arm with my other hand. I spoke softly to her and she immediately calmed and peacefully rested. She knew my voice. She recognized her mommy J

I know that I am completely behind on reading and responding to all of your loving messages and I can’t wait to read them. I have been gaining strength, but I will likely be in the hospital through the weekend. Ella will be here for a couple of months. We don’t know yet if we will be able to transfer to Charlotte at some point or if we will remain in Asheville for her NICU time.

My dogs are in good care with my parents enjoying the mountain air. I will get to each and every message as I regain energy.  I have had fabulous support between my mom and my BFF and appreciate all of the offers of support to come help in Asheville as my friends are available. I will be taking you all up on it.

I am currently trying to keep things very calm and peaceful and get a lot of rest as keeping my blood pressure down is a must. Thank you all so much for all of the love, support and prayers. Please keep them coming!

(Typed by my BFF - who flew up from Florida yesterday… I just don’t have the energy to type yet)

Interesting Pregnancy Observations

**Warning:  This is definitely not a post I would have chosen to read while still on the TTC roller coaster**

I am currently 23weeks 3 days along.  Just a few more days until viability!  While infertility is the biggest emotional challenge I have ever experienced (and not physically pleasant either), pregnancy has certainly been a bit physically challenging so far.  Here are a few pregnancy observations I would like to preserve, and share with those who are curious.

Before I go there... I just wanted to update you on the nickname I've recently been calling Baby Girl.  I've never been one to create nicknames, but Baby Girl gets kind of long to type out.  I thought about shortening it to BG but then I kept seeing it as BuG.  So I've been referring to her (quietly until now) as BuG.  Note, there is absolutely no relationship to this nickname and her real name!

**Please read the tone of this post as very 'tongue in cheek'**

Heartburn/Acid Reflux - I have finally learned what Acid Reflux really is... I had NO idea!!  I can deal with the heartburn, but waking up to an in process reflex of swallowing back down the small amount of bile that I just threw up in my mouth mid REM cycle is a completely new experience... and one I hope goes away immediately after BuG arrives safely this summer.

Food Aversions - People frequently ask me what I am craving.  I really don't think I actually crave anything... I still eat what I believe I can tolerate (and sometimes I'm still wrong about what's tolerable - SURPRISE!).  Apparently BuG really doesn't like Chicken!  I've given up trying to eat chicken at this point.

Puking - While the worst of the "morning" sickness dissipated by about 18 weeks, it's not completely gone.  I still have days when I need to take zofran.  And as a consistent rule of thumb, all it takes for me to get sick is to tell someone how much better I've been feeling... within a matter of a few hours of these conversations you can put money on the fact I will be sick.  It never fails!

Poop - I have definitely experienced some of the worst constipation ever during pregnancy (this is relative since I rarely ever had that problem previously)... but lately I fluctuate between the two extremes.  Enough said.

Headache - I've been having mild headaches for the last few weeks, so mild that I never mentioned them to anyone, it's just a minor annoyance.  Yesterday that headache turned into a monster!  And it continues.  I don't know if it's related to allergies, I think it might be even though my sinuses are being kind to me lately.

Breakouts - A few weeks ago my skin changed from the beautiful glow of pregnancy to the breakouts of pregnancy.  Surprisingly I'm accepting of my now red, blotchy face... it is what it is.

Sleep/Energy - I know it will be much worse when my little BuG gets here, but sleeping sucks!  I will generally sleep for a few hours, until my 2am bathroom break, and then I'm awake most of the night thereafter.  If I'm lucky I'll dose off and on, but there is no quality to my sleep after 2am.  I am still using doctor recommended Tylenol PM fairly regularly... my sleep is even worse on the nights I don't use it.  Obviously, this really impacts my overall energy during the day.  My energy is generally low, but after some bad nights it's all I can do to make it through the day. My house is suffering the effects of this, dishes pile up, laundry doesn't get put away, the floors are dirty and general clutter exists everywhere (I hate clutter).

Weight Gain - Wow!  My weight has skyrocketed!  Given I was under my pre pregnancy weight until I was 17 weeks, I am now up 15lbs from my pre pregnancy weight in the 6 weeks since then.  How did that happen?  I don't eat a lot, although the nutrition I do eat varies (sometimes healthy, sometimes not so much - again, it's about tolerance).  And I'm still throwing up my meals at least a few times a week.

Stranger Comments - I experienced a milestone this weekend.  A stranger commented about my pregnancy out of the blue!  This means I actually look pregnant, not just fat!  So I bought a car from him... (it was the sales guy at the Honda dealership)

Movement - While I am feeling BuG move, it's never enough.  I still really only feel her when I'm laying down and paying attention.  I try not to freak out... but I still question myself - is that really the BuG I'm feeling?  Some women are not only feeling their babies more/frequently earlier than me, they are seeing the movement and can feel it on the outside.  I somehow keep reassuring myself that I am feeling the BuG and there is no reason to freak myself out.

Fear - It's still there, every day.  But as I've said before, I can't go there.  I'll write a post about it once my BuG is safely here.

All of that said I love every minute!  And in the grand scheme of pregnancy, things are going really well for me!!!  I still can't believe it's real and that my Baby Girl is growing inside me... and she'll be here in about 16 weeks!

Swag

So I never did share a photo of the goods I bought the day I found out Baby is a Girl.

Gender reveal swag - All from a Consignment store except for the Owl

While I bought all of the clothes consigned, several of the items still had original tags.  One of the onsies says "Hi!  I'm new here!"  - how cute!!  I'm trying to hold back on buying too many clothes as I know that so many of her Aunties (and her Grandma) will be buying her lots of cute stuff.

We are currently in the season of the Spring Consignment events.  These events typically happen in early Spring and early Fall.  I got several things at a couple of the local events, including these two bigger purchases.

**For one of the events, a couple of my SMC friends were working the event so they had presale passes.  They not only gave me a presale pass, one of them spent time with me (and a couple of other SMC's on a separate occasion) helping us figure out what we needed.

Graco swing - Retails for $109, I paid $35

McLaren seat (rocks & vibrates)
Retails for $90, I paid $30

The Fall consignment events will take place shortly after she is born, so I'm also holding off on some items (Jumparoo's, high chair, etc) until then.

I have been working through my registry, doing a lot of research.  As open as I am to used/consignment, there are certain things I just want new.  Primarily the crib & car seat.  Reason being, there are SOO many brands and SOO many recalls, I just want to be able to keep up with it from the start.  And for the car seats (oh my, the most confusing item to decide on so far), they are said to be good only for 5 years AND if they have been involved in any kind of accident it is recommended they are no longer used.  While most seats have a date on them these days, you just don't know the accident history on this kind of item if you get it used.

The two things I've bought new so far are both decorative...

I saw this last summer at our local Raptor Center (went back and bought it the day of my anatomy scan), so the proceeds go to a good cause 

This is for hair clips, etc.  Found it at a ritzy specialty shop.

A few years ago, I was a big spender and a bit snobbish about used items, other than antiques.  I would have bought EVERYTHING new for baby girl.  Between the tanking of the economy, my layoff in '09, and paying for IVF, I see used/consigned items in a whole new light.  And yes, apparently I can resell my goodies when I'm done with them too!

And on another note, my refi closed last week.  The monthly savings should cover at least half of monthly day care costs.

Tip for those BFP's to follow:  What I wish I had known.  Baby Bargains is a GREAT resource (book).  They also have a website.  Unfortunately I bought the book before I looked at the site.  You have to pay for a membership to the site (and can get the book with your membership), but there are no perks for book owners to join the site after the fact.  I have elected not to join the site since I already paid for the book.  **Bottom line:  Join the site first, they will send you the book with your membership.

Next... I'm working on figuring out how to turn this room into a nursery.

Note the glider - I got this off Craigs List shortly before I started TTC.  It's been sitting in that room, covered up, for a very long time.

I got rid of the guest room furniture in this room before I started TTC (that was a mistake).  It's become a "catch all" room for the last couple of years.

I stumbled on a woman about 90 minutes away who refurbishes used furniture in a "shabby chic" finish (very affordable, much cheaper than the new stuff I've seen).  I've reached out to her about doing a dresser and possibly an armoire for the nursery.

Our next scan is in early March April (thanks for catching my error, Mom), a 24 week scan for a detailed review of her heart.

I am a Member of the IF Community

I've had an internal struggle with whether I would actually post this.  I've walked away from this post for about 24hrs and as much as I don't want to get "in the middle" of this PAIL/ALI Community debacle that's taking place, there are just a few things I need to say.  I hope I do not p*off or alienate any of my friends, fellow bloggers by posting this, my intent is that this will come across in a respectful manner for all parties involved.

I have connected myself to the IF community in every way possible... Twitter, this blog, message boards, Resolve, and even through SMC.  I am, and will always be infertile.  Amazingly (and still unbelievably to me) I am 21 weeks pregnant with a little girl... but I still carry the scars of infertility closely.

As an active member of the IF community, I've come to realize this week that I'm not an "official" member of the ALI community.  I thought I submitted my blog a couple of years ago but looked this week and I'm not anywhere on the list as far as I can tell.  This is fine because I've never really used the blogroll/resources, and it took me a while to figure out what LFCA was when it was frequently referenced this week.  Seriously, how could I be an active blogger in this community for so long and NOT really know about the inter-workings of what is the BASE of the blogging IF community??? I knew the reference of ALI, I knew about ICLW but never participated.  Just call me clueless.

I've developed my blog quite organically by connecting with commenters, checking out their blogrolls, following my Tweeps blogs, etc.  But I do realize that I would not have connected with so many IF bloggers if it were not for the ALI community that Mel created, as many of those I have connected to have used the ALI blogroll to find each other.

Other than political hot-buttons related to IF, I tend to stay out of controversy when it comes about in the IF community.  If a blogger posts something that I do not agree with, I will err on the side of remaining quiet (not making a comment), as I believe this community is about support - and a blog is for personal expression. I have been guilty of writing supportive comments to other bloggers who post their disagreement about a post that I also disagreed with. Thankfully, this is a rare occurrence in the IF blog community.

But...  since my last post was an introduction to the new PAIL community, I feel the need to write a post on the volcanic eruption that has exploded this week related to the development of this new blogroll.  Have I mentioned how much I don't like drama?  I hope this will be my only post on this subject, that is my intention.  

Earlier this week, Mel wrote a post over at Stirrup Queens expressing her anger and disappointment in learning of the creation of the PAIL community.  This post spurred over 150 comments, many being divisive and often mud-slinging, name-calling comments.  Many individual blog posts have been written as a response to the Mel's post and the subsequent comments.

Ladies, this has been ugly  U-G-L-Y.   And that makes me uncomfortable.  Seriously, I can not emphasize how awful some of the comments have been... suggesting some have not "suffered enough" with their infertility to qualify - for whatever.

Firstly, to my friends/readers, if my post introducing PAIL hurt or offended anyone, you have my sincere apology.  Hurting or alienating anyone was never my intention.  Adding my blog to the PAIL blogroll never meant that I would stop following/supporting/cheering on my friends who are TTC.  IF has become my platform and is now a huge part of who I am, to my core.

What joining PAIL did mean is that I had an opportunity to find more bloggers who are in the same place I am at this time, transitioning into this place that is "pregnant after IF", to learn from them and offer support. I've been unable to join the "bab.y center" type communities with the fertiles of the world, I tried but it was just too much. Getting pregnant has introduced a whole new struggle for me, of fear (which I still can't bring myself to acknowledge beyond the word in writing or verbally) and hope.  For me, it is by far NOT worse than my TTC/IF struggles, it's simply a new and different experience built from IF.

The premise of what I gathered of why Mel was upset about the PAIL community, summarized by me, is a) the fact that she already has a Parenting/Pregnant after IF "room" in the ALI community, and b) she felt PAIL was copying her original ideas such as ICLW (please read her entire post for her reasoning).

Given my cluelessness about the interworkings of the ALI community, I did not know that the P/P-IF room existed, and it seems many others did not as well.  The difference in the PAIL community is that the blogs listed are ACTIVE, while it seems there are many on the ALI community that are not.  The overall ALI community has 3000+ blogs! I've spent some time over there this week trying to educate my clueless self.

And regardless of this, there was an apparent gap that existed for P/P-IF bloggers, otherwise the blogroll wouldn't have exceeded 100 within the first week.

Can't these two communities co-exist?  The majority consensus from the PAIL community is YES; it was never anyone's intention to abandon the ALI community in favor of the PAIL community.  Honestly, I'm dying to use Visio to develop an org chart or process flow to map it all out (I'm a geek).


Personally, I am a member of an infertility message board, specific to the clinic I last cycled at.  There is a separate message board for women who had success at this clinic.  Women migrate to the 'success' board once they get through early pregnancy (no set rule as to when women migrate).  We, myself included, still read and contribute to the original message board, encouraging women who are still cycling.  What we don't do is discuss our pregnancies on that board out of respect for those still trying.

Also, my Resolve group works in a similar way.  Once a member gets pregnant, she is welcome for the first trimester/until she starts showing.  After that, there is actually no new group for the pregnant/parenting after IF women... that gives me an idea!


As for copying ideas/ICLW, as I am not the creator I can't fully speak to this but here is my take.  ICLW - this was not proposed by Elphie, it was mentioned as an enthusiastic comment in a PAIL post.  I have no idea if an ICLW-like event was going to be proposed.

There was a statement on yesterday's post on Stirrup Queens that people are blogging for what they can get out of it, i.e. Blogging for Comments. This must be why people selfishly joined the PAIL group, because we lost commenters when we transitioned to pregnant/parenting.  Side note: personally, I do not feel I have lost commenters since my BFP, thank you friends!

While comments are always welcome, I don't think that is the reason most of us blog.  We blog to connect, to learn from others, to offer and give support.  Comments are just one component of the blogging experience.

I have to say that I admire how Elphie has handled herself in the wake of this storm.

And my next statement will likely be unpopular but I feel like I need to say this, this is my perspective and I know it will not represent everyone's opinion... this comes from my 15 years in Corporate America and various leadership training/experiences over the years.


As a blogger, I completely respect that Mel expressed herself and her feelings this week, that's the purpose of our blogs, to express ourselves.   She has every right to share her feelings and anger in her space.

However as the creator of the ALI community, therefore a leader, I would like to see her handle this like the leader she is.  I would expect a leader to gather her "leadership team" behind closed doors, along with the "leadership team of the opposition", discuss the issue, and propose compromise/resolution.  I would then expect all of the leaders to take the supportive position of whatever that resolution may be and cascade/share it with their organization.

A shakeup in the environment, especially one that has no proposed resolution, only ignites the flames and creates chaos.  Unfortunately, the Stirrup Queens posts this week have instigated a divide in the community and created a lot of hurt feelings.

I hope that the next steps are healing ones.

I am a member of the IF community - across the blogsphere, Twitter, message boards, IRL, etc. - regardless of what blogroll my URL is or is not linked up on.

**If you do not feel the need to comment, don't feel obligated to comment.  If you do want to comment, RESPECTFUL comments are welcome.  I do reserve the right to remove any comments that I perceive as ugly (my mom reads this blog - Hi Mom!).**

PAIL

PAIL
Elphaba over at Alice in Diaperland started a conversation last week about the scars of infertility, even after defeating IF.  She talked about the fact that she can't relate to the fertile mommy bloggers even though she is now a mommy herself.  She asked for feedback from readers, and boy did she get it, about feeling on the edge of a community, being stuck between the ALI community and the fertile mommy's.

Many from the ALI community are hesitant to participate in ICLW after getting pregnant, knowing how it feels to be in the throws of the battle and clicking on an infertility blog that is all about pregnancy or parenting.  OUCH!  It hurts to put it mildly.

I know, I am guilty of unfollowing bloggers who moved on while I was still crushed and wondering how I would cope with never being able to conceive.  It wasn't personal, it was self-preservation.

Long story short, Elphaba has created a new community, an extension of the ALI community, for women who have defeated infertility, at least briefly.  Click over to PAIL, Parenting/Pregnant After Infertility and/or Loss to read more and join the community.  As you can see, it's catching on quick.  Then add the button to your own blog!

And a special thanks to Elphaba for starting the conversation and moving so fast to put this new community together!!

Around the blogsphere...

There are so many people cycling now, or getting ready to cycle.  I hope to see a lot of BFP's in the near future!!  A special shout out to My Fertility Blog on her long-awaited FET tomorrow, a special person who I had the pleasure to meet and share dinner with back in Colorado.

Super Congratulations go out to Miss Ohkay on finally getting her sweet and precious little girl through international adoption (it was a long, difficult wait)... All if the Twitter IF community was stalking her on Sunday while she was at the airport waiting on the plane.  Also, I'm so glad that you are back home with her (after being hospitalized 2 days for illness).  So exciting!!

Congrats to several new prego's for your recent BFP's and excellent betas!!!
Jen at Me, Myself and Infertility - a fellow SMC
Newbie at Infertile in the City - a CCR.M success
Mo at Life and Love in the Petri Dish - another CCR.M success

Also, please send your love & prayers over to Mo at Mommy Odyssey in the wake of her heartbreaking loss of her baby boy.

I left so many of you out, it's impossible to mention everyone... but I'm following along and rooting for each of you!

Mark Your Calendars - NIAW
Resolve has announced the dates for this year's National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).  Mark your calendars for April 22 - 28 and think about how you will support along with the theme of "Don't Ignore Infertility".

It's a....

Courtesy of Google Images

It's a girl!  I'm having a baby girl!!!  A daughter.  I'm overjoyed!  After the scan I had this peaceful feeling of calm, I realized that I felt truly happy for the first time in a very long time.  I guess it (finally) all became real.  I'm really pregnant and I'm expecting a healthy baby girl. 

The scan itself went great, she's measuring on track and everything looks good.  That combined with my 2nd Trimester bloodwork continues to keep me in the low risk category - for a high risk patient.  I will have another detailed scan at 24w, where they will take a close look at the development of her heart.  

I love being able to refer to 'she' & 'her' now, rather than 'it' or 'the baby'.

Here she is!! 18w3d

My best buddy, J, came with me to the scan yesterday.  He has never seen a pregnancy ultrasound, although he's had several of his own stomach due to gastrointestinal problems that landed him in the hospital for a couple of weeks last year.  

J is a lifelong athlete with an interest in the human body so he was enthralled watching the screen, pointing things out and asking the tech lots of questions.

We were talking about finding out, and J being there.  I said something along the lines of J being able to tell baby girl that Uncle J got to see her girl parts for the first time.  The room was silent before we all started cracking up, the ultrasound tech included, when I realized how pervy that had just sounded.  J was like, I didn't see anything!  Give me a break, I just found out I'm expecting a baby girl, my head wasn't working properly!  You know what I meant!

I have the funniest ultrasounds.

And of course, I did a little shopping for baby girl yesterday!  I'll have to take some pictures of the goods to share in another post.

17w4d - In Bullets

So I want to take the opportunity to record a little bit of the standard stuff about pregnancy... feel free to skip posts like these.


Size of baby 

• Baby is currently between the size of an Onion & Sweet Potato 

Total Weight Gain 

• +1 lb (or if you count the weight I dropped until recently, I'm up 6lbs)
• It's crazy, I know... but remember I started about 50lbs overweight

Current symptoms

• Food aversions, lack of appetite
• "Morning" sickness - I'm still getting sick at least once a day, and retch several other times during the day
• Constipation (OMG!  I'm so glad I don't deal with this in my non-pregnant life... it can be miserable at times)
• Heartburn - I now keep 2 bottles of Tums handy; one in the kitchen and the other on my nightstand

Maternity Clothes

• I'm wearing maternity jeans (wow, the best invention ever) and tops
• Since I work from home I'm also wearing a lot of my regular yoga pants/t-shirts
• I can still wear my regular jeans but they are not comfortable; when I go into the office I usually put on a non-maternity dress or skirt (very forgiving)
• I'm running into a problem with maternity sizing for dress pants so I have not bought any.  The XL are a bit snug in the thighs/butt... but the 1x absolutely swims on me, hence wearing my dresses/skirts to the office.

Sleep

• I get up around 2am & 5:30am to use the bathroom every night
• I have been using Tylenol PM (OB approved) to sleep many nights
• I'm sleeping great, unassisted, on nights after I workout

Cravings (Tolerances)

• Carbs - Pasta, cereal, pizza, bread/grilled cheese
• Fruit - Apples, Bananas
• SWEETS

Fitness

• After being on exercise restriction since starting my stims in mid-October, I'm finally working out again
• I'm working with my trainer again (prenatal certified & a mom of young kids)!!  The first few workouts I fatigued greatly & quickly but that seems to be improving. 
• Workouts help get things moving in the constipation department, however during the workout it's the gas that kicks in first (my poor trainer)

Gender

• My scan is on Monday!!  I can't wait to find out!

Movement

• Nothing decipherable at this time

Recent/Upcoming Milestones

• Recent - For the first time since Sept/October, I'm no longer getting blood draws at least 1x a week
• Recent - I'm amazed at how anti-climatic OB appointments are.  It's just talk, really.  No more dropping my pants for Wandy on a regular basis
• Upcoming - Ultrasound on Monday including anatomy scan!!

Doppler

I have not rented or bought a doppler.  At my 13week OB appointment, the nurse couldn't even pick up the heartbeat on the doppler and I had to have another ultrasound (oh darn).

I really didn't want to become someone who needs a home doppler for nightly reassurance... primarily because I have feared I'd use it wrong, not get the heartbeat and really freak myself out!!!

Two weeks ago, halfway between OB appointments, I was at the point that I needed to hear the heartbeat.  I needed to know everything was okay in there (the continued "morning" sickness and constipation isn't enough).  I remember that my nurse had said I could drop in and ask for her for a doppler check if I ever needed to hear the baby.  Since I live about 6 blocks from my OB's office, I thought this was a great option!  So off I went!

My nurse was down at their other office but another nurse checked me (no one even asked my name!) and there was the heartbeat, nice and strong.  I was so happy for that reassurance that I didn't even ask what the heart rate was.

Today was my 16 week OB appointment (at 16w5d) and the only thing I was focused on was getting to hear the baby's heartbeat.  It was a healthy 168!

I mentioned to my OB that I had stopped in a couple of weeks ago to hear the heartbeat.  She said that was fine... and I'm welcome to stop in as often as I need, even every week, if that's what I need!

I'm looking forward to feeling the baby's movements, hopefully within the next few weeks... until then, I see weekly walks over to my OB's office in my future.

Premature Preparation

The dogs have been passing a stomach bug around for the last couple of weeks.  Izzy had it first and for several nights got me up 2 - 3 times a night to go outside.  She wasn't acting like she was sick... she just stunk in general (bad gas & diarrhea), so it didn't seem to warrant a trip to the vet.  Mom was visiting and suggested we add rice to her meals.  That did the trick and she seemed (and smelled) much better by Saturday.

Faith & Izzy

Tuesday night, Faith came down with the same thing.  Initially, Faith didn't get me up to go outside.  The stench in my room was awful.  And when she did get me up, I stepped in liquid diarrhea.  Try being nauseated and clean that stinky mess up...  (thankfully this happened only the one time)

Faith got me up about every 2 hours through the night Tuesday night and last night!  She's now on a rice diet as well and seems to be doing better... we'll see how it goes tonight.

Me? I'm exhausted.  The thing is, when I get up in the middle of the night, I don't go back to sleep easily.  And with the sick dogs lately, I sleep very lightly... I hear them immediately when they need to go out.  My quantity and quality of sleep have suffered.

Obviously I see the irony of the situation.  The dogs are preparing me to be up with a baby all night.  But really, there is time for that!  I don't need to prepare for that just yet.

Today is the last day of my first trimester!

It's 8pm... I think it's time for bed.  Goodnight.

Low Risk - High Risk

*All about pregnancy*

I'm breathing a sigh of relief as I am currently classified as a Low Risk, High Risk patient.  The baby passed the NT scan with flying colors although it took a while to get the necessary measurements.  With the blood results that the nurse called me with today, risk for Downs is 1:560 and risk for Trisomy 18 is 1:10,000.  She told me I'm considered Low Risk (for a high risk patient).

Another successful milestone!  Thank you God!

The NT scan itself was a lot of fun.  Fun? you ask???  Well yes, since my friend LH came with me, it was fun.  LH always makes me laugh!

The NT scan is an abdominal ultrasound.  I was so excited to 'graduate' from the Wand.  But of course, it also requires a full bladder.  Mine was full, but needed to be a little more full.  So I kept drinking water.  The baby was fun to watch and the tech took lots of pictures.  She was really sweet and very positive, immediately telling me that everything looked good, although the doctor had to come in to log the actual measurements.

There are 3 doctors in this office and 2 were out unexpectedly with the flu.  One poor doctor was covering ALL of the appointments that day.  The only part of me that minded the extra wait was my bladder. But when he finally came in he was very personable and spent plenty of time with me.

Problem was, the babe didn't want to cooperate.  He couldn't get the right angle to get the measurements.  While I have always had a really strong bladder, I was starting to suffer, especially since trying to get the baby to move included pressing hard on my belly.  Might I add, LH was getting a kick out of this whole experience, her youngest is 7 so it's been a while since she's been through this. He finally gave me the option of filling my bladder more (not possible) or relieving my bladder and doing a vagi.nal ultrasound.

No contest.

I estimate that I've had at least 100 vaggie ultrasounds in the last 2 years.  If he was going to let me go to the bathroom, bring on Wandy!

So that's what we did.  Except it was the strangest vaggie ultrasound I've ever experienced.  Even from that vantage point, he was not getting the angle he needed.  So besides pressing on my abdomen there was also poking with the Wand (back & forth - you get the picture).  At this point, I realized how inappropriate this would be in any other situation and I couldn't contain my giggles.  Once I started laughing, LH started laughing too.  I won't go into further detail on this as my MOTHER sometimes reads this blog, hi Mom!

The good thing is that there was so much talking and joking going on the entire time between the tech, doctor, LH and me, that the reason for our added laughter was not obvious although I think the tech caught on.


Finally, the doctor got the positioning he needed for the measurement and all was good.

11w6d

The Hangover (and Balance)

**Pregnancy discussed**

So I was driving my car tonight on my way to pick up Thai food and suddenly knew I was going to puke!  Thankfully I still had some plastic bags nearby that I used as "poop bags" when I took the dogs to Florida over the holidays.  I grabbed a bag and sure enough, puked while driving.  I know that can't be safe, but my eyes never left the road!  I am now wearing this incident like a 'badge of honor'...  my funniest pregnancy puke story to date!

I, like many others in this situation before me, am struggling with the changes I need to make to my blog.  I've watched many others struggle with this after becoming pregnant after infertility.  There is a need to balance the desire to chronicle this new world of pregnancy while being sensitive to the feelings of so many who are still in the trenches of the fight with infertility.  I will continue to try to maintain this balance but I do understand if anyone still struggling is unable to read my posts right now, I wont forget how hard it was to read some posts from those who had found success.  I did unfollow some bloggers because it was too difficult to read about their exciting new developments when I was going through disappointment after disappointment; I did check their blogs on my own time, when I felt strong enough to read their developments.  If anyone needs to stop reading or unfollow me, believe me, I understand.

The other type of balance I am working on is balancing between my fear/thoughts that something will happen vs. positivity/embracing my pregnancy.  I don't like to talk about the fear/negative things although the thoughts are with me for fear of jinxing myself.  Unless that changes, I wont be writing about my fears anytime soon.  I do try to acknowledge the negative thoughts when they come and replace them with positive thoughts, like imagine that everything goes right.


"Morning" sickness kicked in at 7 weeks.  I describe the feeling as having a hangover all day, without having the party the night before.  I don't puke often.  Some days I don't puke at all, other days I'll puke 2 or 3 times, today was a 3x's kind of day.    I don't mind the puking.  The worst part is brushing my teeth.  I don't feel like I've done my teeth justice in weeks.  I will gag/puke more often than not when brushing my teeth which in turn makes you want to brush your teeth, but the last thing I want to do is put that toothbrush near my mouth again.


I am thankful for every molecule of energy this baby has drained from me even though I look forward to the day when I get the 'burst of energy' come second trimester.  I embrace the non-party all-day everyday hangover as it's a reminder that my body is doing miraculous things.  I am thankful for every gag and puke episode as it reassures me that my body is doing what it needs to to support my little one.

I am 11weeks, 5days today.  Tomorrow I meet my MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist), aka "high risk doctor" and will have my NT scan.  My good friend LH asked me today if I wanted her to come with me.  I had not thought about not going alone, but I embraced her offer to go with me.  I love my friends!

2011 in Review

As you can tell, I have not been a good blogger lately.  I have a lot I want to update you on but have not had the energy to write... I hope I will get better about that in 2012.

Dresden at Creating Motherhood had a creative way of posting a year-end recap that I thought I would leverage.  It probably will not mean much to anyone who reads it but I got a lot out of doing this little exercise.

Take the first sentence of the first blog post of each month...  


January:  I know, I know, I've been MIA.


February:    I have so many interesting twists and turns to share this week... a series of short posts.


March:    I've got 8 eggs!!!


April:    This is a random thought that hit me on the acupuncture table today... which is odd because I rarely have negative thoughts in my state of relaxation.


May:    I went to my first Resolve meeting this week (for those lucky enough not to know, Resolve is an Infertility support/advocacy organization). 


June:     I told the nurse to go ahead and book the appointment with Dr. T, fully expecting it would be late June. 


July:  So there is yet another bump in the road on the way to my baby bump. 


August:  Just a quick update because I've been up since 4:30am ET and I'm going to try to get to bed by 9pm Mountain Time. 


September:    Did you see Giuliana & Bill last night? 


October:    Again, plagiarized word-for-word from Jen at This Is Personal. 


November:  I've been feeling like my blog has become a broken record (and just imagine that there are younger generations in the world who will never really understand this analogy).  


December:    My apologies for my delay in posting the results from my POM Charm Givea.way.  


Happy New Year my friends!  I hope that 2012 brings you everything your heart desires!!