It's a....

Courtesy of Google Images

It's a girl!  I'm having a baby girl!!!  A daughter.  I'm overjoyed!  After the scan I had this peaceful feeling of calm, I realized that I felt truly happy for the first time in a very long time.  I guess it (finally) all became real.  I'm really pregnant and I'm expecting a healthy baby girl. 

The scan itself went great, she's measuring on track and everything looks good.  That combined with my 2nd Trimester bloodwork continues to keep me in the low risk category - for a high risk patient.  I will have another detailed scan at 24w, where they will take a close look at the development of her heart.  

I love being able to refer to 'she' & 'her' now, rather than 'it' or 'the baby'.

Here she is!! 18w3d

My best buddy, J, came with me to the scan yesterday.  He has never seen a pregnancy ultrasound, although he's had several of his own stomach due to gastrointestinal problems that landed him in the hospital for a couple of weeks last year.  

J is a lifelong athlete with an interest in the human body so he was enthralled watching the screen, pointing things out and asking the tech lots of questions.

We were talking about finding out, and J being there.  I said something along the lines of J being able to tell baby girl that Uncle J got to see her girl parts for the first time.  The room was silent before we all started cracking up, the ultrasound tech included, when I realized how pervy that had just sounded.  J was like, I didn't see anything!  Give me a break, I just found out I'm expecting a baby girl, my head wasn't working properly!  You know what I meant!

I have the funniest ultrasounds.

And of course, I did a little shopping for baby girl yesterday!  I'll have to take some pictures of the goods to share in another post.

Doppler

I have not rented or bought a doppler.  At my 13week OB appointment, the nurse couldn't even pick up the heartbeat on the doppler and I had to have another ultrasound (oh darn).

I really didn't want to become someone who needs a home doppler for nightly reassurance... primarily because I have feared I'd use it wrong, not get the heartbeat and really freak myself out!!!

Two weeks ago, halfway between OB appointments, I was at the point that I needed to hear the heartbeat.  I needed to know everything was okay in there (the continued "morning" sickness and constipation isn't enough).  I remember that my nurse had said I could drop in and ask for her for a doppler check if I ever needed to hear the baby.  Since I live about 6 blocks from my OB's office, I thought this was a great option!  So off I went!

My nurse was down at their other office but another nurse checked me (no one even asked my name!) and there was the heartbeat, nice and strong.  I was so happy for that reassurance that I didn't even ask what the heart rate was.

Today was my 16 week OB appointment (at 16w5d) and the only thing I was focused on was getting to hear the baby's heartbeat.  It was a healthy 168!

I mentioned to my OB that I had stopped in a couple of weeks ago to hear the heartbeat.  She said that was fine... and I'm welcome to stop in as often as I need, even every week, if that's what I need!

I'm looking forward to feeling the baby's movements, hopefully within the next few weeks... until then, I see weekly walks over to my OB's office in my future.

Sharing the news with children

This is an email I received from my sister shortly after telling her my plans to have a baby.  We had briefly discussed what to say to her kids, when the time was right.  She has a 13 year old daughter (A) and 11 year old son (M).  I was happy to contribute to their family interaction and entertainment!!!

_______________________________


We of little faith.... I told A about what was going on with your future.... She was so excited for you and of course herself. She asked if you were going to adopt or just use sperm.... She was so grown up about it all; it was like I was talking to you.... 

I told her that we hadn't told M (her little brother) yet, so of course she walks in the house so excited and trys to contain her excitement in front of him, but says to her dad "I know".... of course M wants to know what she knows....so I challenged A to explain it so he could understand. As soon as M heard the word "sperm" he decided he didn't want to know. A went after her Science Textbook in her room so she could show M what the egg and the sperm do.... 

All of this is cracking all of us up of course, because M just didn't want to know. I hope we didn't tramatize him. Very fun night!


She told us that it reminded her of that movie....thinking....thinking...thinking....oh yeah...."Baby Mama" ..... Good family interaction night. Thanks.

Timing is Everything

I had my annual beach trip with some of my dearest friends from college last week.  I realized it may be my last 'hurrah' before pregnancy.

I had been watching my cycle carefully because I've learned, when you are going through assisted fertility, your cycle dictates your life.  You must be in town during certain days of your cycle for certain tests and procedures.  Makes sense.

So as this cycle began, the timing interfered with my beach trip.  "Unfortunately" it means that I had to depart from my annual beach trip a day (well, 14 hours) early to be back for more bloodwork.  If things were one day later, I'd be in the clear (for my trip)... but then again, one day earlier.... that would REALLY have interfered with my trip.  

Thankfully, all of my girlfriends are so wonderfully supportive. They are more than ready for me to join the ranks of motherhood.

The Unspoken Truths

I'm currently at the beach with a few of my college sorority sisters, our annual trip.  Between the three of them they have a 13, 12, 6, 6, 5 & 4 year old.

They found it funny over cocktails last night to share certain secrets about labor, delivery and the first week post partum; things that are never spoken between girlfriends after the baby arrives.

They thoroughly terrified me...

-I'll post more on this one day, when I can bring myself to think about these terrifying things.  Back to vacation now.

Anticipating Reactions

You really can't anticipate or stress over reactions of others, regardless of the context of the topic.

For me, I had extreme anxiety over telling my parents of my decision to have a child on my own.  My folks are wonderful people, they have been married for 43 years... how incredible is that!  My mom is a wonderful confident and has always been the intermediary for my family; my dad has been the family provider who creates situations to worry about (aka anxiety).

While my disposition is a blend of my mom & dad, I have taken on more of my father's anxiety and perfectionism than I wish to admit.

In my late 20's, after a devastating (at the time) break-up with "the one", I remember I was with my parents showing them the house I intended to buy (for which they questioned if I realized what I was getting into buying a house without a husband), I remember telling them that IF I was not married by the time I turned 35 I would look to have or adopt a child on my own.

Time blurs the exact reaction...  in my memory serves me as an "extremely negative" reaction.  Comments related to I didn't know what it took to raise a child on my own and raising a child without a father was a terrible thing to do... is what I took away with me, for the last 10 years...

So when I got my footing back in place, knowing I have the emotional and financial means to make this real and give a child a wonderful upbringing  - I FEARED telling my parents.  I debated whether I should simply wait until after my first trimester... BUT I also knew that NOT sharing what was happening in my life, something so important, would really hurt them as well.

Finally, I told my folks; my mom actually.  Her reaction surprised me, pleasantly.  She told me she was fairly familiar with the subject of 'choice mom's' and she actually expected I would have done this a year or two ago.

When it came to telling my father, mom said she would tell him.  My sister & I joked that she could coach him from his first reaction... but as it turns out, he was the biggest surprise of all!  He said (to my mom) that it was better than me having a baby "with some loser".  And when they were visiting a few days after they got my news of 'trying', my dad was extremely inquisitive about the process, I answered his questions and gave him additional information from the sperm bank and other books.

Mom volunteers at a thrift shop benefiting the local hospital and she has started collecting baby & maternity clothes.

So this is a wonderful example of anticipating a negative reaction and receiving the opposite.... oh the hours of worry I could have avoided!  Thankfully, I've had NOTHING but POSITIVE reaction for everyone I've shared my intentions with... I'm sure I'll run into negative reactions somewhere in the future -but it will not effect me because everyone in my life who means anything is behind me, and my future child!

Joy & Heartbreak

Four women became friends about 2 months ago because of two things we all shared:

1) We are all unmarried, in our later childbearing years

2) We all want a child

One woman, I'll call H, was already 4 weeks pregnant when we met.  Six weeks later B got a positive result on her pregnancy test from her first IUI.  Sadly, the same day, H had an ultrasound that revealed no heartbeat remained.

Joy & heartbreak.  With the reality of pursuing dreams we also risk our hearts...  

Single Female is a PreExisting Condition

When I made my first (final first, that is) appointment with the RE I was advised to call my insurance company for preauthorization.  

I mentioned in an earlier post I was laid off last year.  Laid off after 11 years working for a major employer in the city; an employer that has been named a top place in the US to work for moms; an employer that had excellent benefits (as I've come to appreciate after severance ended).

That preauthorization call I had with the insurance company led me to tears.  The woman asked some very personal questions - as I later realized was to determine if they would cover me for 'infertility' treatment.  I explained that I've never had reason to believe I'm infertile.  I've spent my adult life ensuring pregnancy did NOT happen; I've never actually TRIED to get pregnant!

Well the problem is, the insurance company will not cover ANY costs associated with my testing or procedures because I'm not currently having unprotected sex with a man.  I have to be having sex for something like 6 months or more for them to consider covering any of my expenses.  

The cost-effective manner for conception would be to pick a guy up at a bar... but that's not the smart option... and not an option I would choose for myself or my child.

On top of that, I had to have surgery early this month to remove a polyp in my uterus and that's when I learned I had a $2,000 deductible.

Through my 20's and most of my 30's I had this incredible insurance coverage I never really needed (I WAS a 2x marathon runner ).  Now I have coverage I pay far too much for every month that never actually covers me for anything - even beyond my trying to conceive (TTC).  Have you heard of pre-authorization forms they require of doctors who have already written a prescription in order to confirm a prescription is actually needed?  That's why I'm currently OFF of any allergy medication; so many hoops are required for jumping through by the patient, pharmacy and doctor - someone always gives up - hence the insurance company saves money.

And after my first consult with my doctor I realized if I had just been "less open" on that call with the insurance company, I wouldn't be digging into my "child fund" to pay for my TTC procedures.

Sorry for the rant tonight.  Anyone else out there frustrated with insurance (that the Obama plan will not actually address)?

And the Swimmer Winner is...

Friday night I had several good friends over for a "Swimmer Party". I highly doubt that many people are lucky enough, in their lifetime, to be privy to such an event... I planned it as a fun, interactive way for people close to me to get involved with my journey - from the start... it turned into SO MUCH MORE!

Over the past couple of months I have spent countless hours pouring over Swimmer profiles (I prefer the term Swimmers over Sperm/Donor). I'll cover the key criteria in my selection in a later post.

For those friends & family who could not make it to the party, I provided the info on my Top 3 choices so they could vote virtually. The rest of my friends came to my home for a fun & robust review of the Top 3. Both virtually and in person, I never expected the level of due diligence each person put into the selection. As I realized this, I became extremely overwhelmed... and scared.

I was overwhelmed because, beyond the obvious jokes and laughs, they really understood what an important decision this was for me, and my future child. There was heavy debate and even some raised voices (although no actual arguments), they wanted more information -than just the summary I provided for them.

After the party I found myself questioning my (already chosen) first choice. I spent a large part of the weekend researching more on my Top 2, paying the extra money for more detailed information on both candidates. I even looked back at other candidates I had previously eliminated AND searched another top Cryobank for a potential new option to appear to me... all which led me back to my first choice.

This morning I made the call. I ordered the Swimmers which will create 1/2 the genetic makeup of my future child. It was truly a surreal feeling. Afterward, I emailed some of my new friends who had been through this stage of their journey's recently and they told me they went through the same thing.

One friend put it best "For me, I just wanted to get the swimmers ordered and then forget about them because the more I thought about it the more I wondered if I made the right choice. I have not looked at my donors information since I ordered!"

That's exactly how I feel now.

How many False Start's does it take?

I started this blog nearly 9 months ago (an ironic number). It was a False Start.

I cancelled my appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist (RE) 3 times.

Things I didn't cover in my first post include - after a long, secure, successful career I was laid off in early 2009. After the layoff, I decided to try to make it on my own, freelancing. While I enjoyed the freelancing schedule and creativity, the lack of secure income (too small to cover my mortgage) caused more anxiety than it was worth... I learned this lesson late in the year.

Deciding that making a secure income was more important than how I made my income (so I did not have to give up my dreams), I went back to corporate life toward the end of the year.

Since returning to a secure income, I've had (and kept) several appointments with my RE, had an HCG test (tubes are clear) and a hysteroscopy (surgery to remove a polyp in my uterus). This morning I ordered my Swimmers and I am waiting on my next cycle for my first 'try'.

Just this past weekend I had a Swimmer Party, picking my final donor 'swimmers'. My next post will be on this overwhelming process.

I've been thinking about moving forward with having a baby for years, originally it was going to be at age 35, then 37, now I'm nearly 39... have any of you been through your own series of false starts? What did it take to push you beyond this stage?

Just getting started

My 38th birthday passed by a few weeks ago. I'm a never-married, successful professional woman. Over the years I've put more into my career than I have in relationships. I've had a few significant relationships over the years but none were Mr. Right. My heart has been broken and I have broken hearts. When it comes down to it, Mr. Adequate is not someone I want to roll the dice with for the long haul. I still believe in love, even though it had eluded me.

I've had this "back up plan" in my head for years, but of course hoped that I'd find my love first. At the same time, I've never been one to wait for a man to do what I want in life; I've bought a house (a few over the years), traveled extensively, invested, have dogs, etc. The biggest thing in my life I've been waiting in "him" for is to have a family.

I've just begun taking "baby" steps to start a family. I've had a physical, gone to the open house at a highly recommended endocrinology clinic and set an appointment with the doctor there. I'm reading everything I can get my hands on about being a "Choice mom" and talking with my friends about being a support system for me and my child.

Over the coming months I will dive into all of this and more: sharing my journey, what I am learning, the difficult decisions, the family concerns (parents & siblings), financial concerns, planning for the unexpected, the emotions...

Thank you for reading. As I work through a few of the concerns listed (family & job), I will remove the anonymous nature of my postings. I have also set up a twitter account. Follow me @singlemom2b