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Sunday, October 3, 2010

The Single Line

I've not been able to bring myself to write this week.  I greatly appreciate all of the comments from I've Got Nothing, the support and encouragement from the blogosphere reminds me I'm not alone in this journey.  Really, all of you bloggers know how much it helps to receive this virtual support, every comment is appreciated.  I did still have some hope for the cycle, especially because my BBT started to rise more after that post and I wanted to believe my back cramps could be a positive sign.

I tested yesterday and today. And for the fifth cycle now I see only the single line, a single line with a maddening amount of clear white space next to it. I HATE that white space, it mocks me. If I had not seen pictures of others who have seen the mysterious second line I wouldn't believe it actually exists.  The white space makes my head spin and my brain plays tricks on me... but it's simply a vast starch-white piece of cardboard taunting "You're NOT pregnant... look as much as you want, you're still not going to be pregnant".  I dread the first glance at the stick because I have developed a fear of seeing the single line and corresponding white space.  And why do I torture myself by not throwing out that single line piece of cardboard right away?  I know a second line will not mysteriously appear several hours later, but I still go back and look, again and again and again.

My beta date is tomorrow but I told myself I would test today since it's Sunday and I need to come to terms with a negative on Sunday, not on Monday when I'm trying to concentrate on work.   

So as of yesterday and today... I am in tears on & off.  I attribute all of the drugs to making me so emotional.  Yesterday I made an effort to enjoy the day and took the dogs on a hike (the weather is gorgeous).  My girls make me laugh and smile, even when I'm sad.   They're going to make great "big sisters" one day...

Today I've not yet managed to get off the couch.  I'm going to... I'm going to take the girls out again, I don't know where?  It has to be somewhere private so if I start crying I don't draw all kinds of attention.

Thanks to Shannon for the Versatile Blogger Award nod.  I'll write a post on that when my spirits are better.

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15 comments:

  1. AnonymousOctober 3, 2010 at 1:55 PM

    I had been wondering if you were laying low for a reason.... I'm so, so sorry. It's not fair, and it makes no sense. I'm glad you're taking some time to just be and that you have your girls with you - they are the best medicine. And yes, they are going to be the best big sisters, really really soon.
    I am thinking about you and sending the biggest hug.

    ReplyDelete
  2. inBetweenOctober 3, 2010 at 2:06 PM

    I am so sorry. I had to stop doing HPTs because I was getting ridiculously manic and obsessive about them. I never did one for this last ivf that worked, even just for fun after. Too many bad memories down that road.

    Have a good cry today and hopefully tomorrow will start off with hope for your next cycle. Have faith that it will work one of these cycles!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. The Baby Chase ProjectOctober 3, 2010 at 2:19 PM

    This is not fair.. I am so sorry. I wish we lived closer so I could take you out to lunch. I am thinking about you. You are an amazing person and you only deserve the best. I also nominated you for the Versatile Blogger.

    ReplyDelete
  4. TiaraOctober 3, 2010 at 2:36 PM

    I'm so bummed for you...it really isn't fair.

    ReplyDelete
  5. LaurenOctober 3, 2010 at 3:08 PM

    I'm so sorry :(

    ReplyDelete
  6. UnknownOctober 3, 2010 at 5:09 PM

    I'm so sorry. Its so hard when you cannot see what is coming up for you and nothing good has happened yet. You NEVER know what is around the corner though!

    Have not posted it up yet, but I'm also nominating you for the Versatile Blogger Award

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ms. StevensonOctober 3, 2010 at 5:26 PM

    I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is to try not to see the number behind us, and only look ahead. But you'll get there.

    Fingers are still crossed.

    ReplyDelete
  8. PaigeOctober 3, 2010 at 6:14 PM

    So sorry, sweetie. Such a crap place to be. Be kind to yourself and cry as much as you want. Come out the other side ready to try again. Your girls are beautiful and I'm sure a great comfort to you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. ShannonOctober 3, 2010 at 6:59 PM

    This just sucks. I'm so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  10. NellOctober 3, 2010 at 7:49 PM

    I'm so sorry! People who aren't struggling with TTC can never really understand the horrors that POAS can put us through. Snuggle with your girls and cry if you need to. Then hang onto the idea that somehow someway, it will be your turn soon.

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  11. S.I.F.October 4, 2010 at 2:42 AM

    I'm so sorry friend. I have no other words beyond, I am so sorry... Really and truly. :(

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  12. FaithOctober 4, 2010 at 8:29 AM

    Oh no, what sad news. So sorry that this try wasn't successful:(

    *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  13. NinkOctober 5, 2010 at 12:28 AM

    I'm so sorry!!! I just came across your blog and I'm immediately drawn in. 5 failed IUIs has to be hard. I only did one IUI so far and the negative results was SO HARD. I think this is the first blog where I've seen someone actually post a HPT with only one line. But that is what so many of us time and time again. :(

    I'm now following your blog and eager for your time to come, and for you to post a picture of a HPT with TWO very dark lines. :)

    ~Bobbi @ www.thejohnsonsjourney.com

    ReplyDelete
  14. BillyOctober 5, 2010 at 11:14 AM

    I'm sorry.

    ReplyDelete
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