Out of Balance

Another CB update.

I shouldn't have written the last post but I was so appreciative of a good week...

Sunday Ella turned into a true fusspot. We couldn't figure out if she was inconsolable due to hunger or gas. Later we realized its hunger. She just gets a small fraction of what babies her size eat and she's naturally hungry. The iv fluids just don't cure the hunger. It's so hard to watch her fuss constantly because she's hungry and do nothing about it. Or worse, take what little she gets away. 

Yesterday while I worked the nurses took turns holding Ella because that was the only thing that halfway worked to console her. They are very full and don't have the staff for catering to one fussy baby. 

She didn't sleep during the day at all on Sunday or Monday. 

Of course yesterday she was off feeds for several hours due to more blood in her diaper. I found it at 7am. It was just two small streaks and it wasn't mixed in with her stool. They stopped her feeds, ordered an X-ray and labs and everything checked out fine. They attributed it to a fisher on her butt and restarted feeds at 18ml. 

This morning at 3 am, more blood in her diaper. Stopped feeds again. More labs that look fine. Thorough butt exam didn't show any evidence of a fisher. 

Basically, no idea what is causing the blood. She's off feeds for a couple of days and when she does restart it will be little & slow again, because that's how it works. 

At 7am I asked my mom to come so she can hold her during the day while I work. 

It's a very delicate balance, that works when things are okay, working with Ella in NICU. When these issues happen, the balance is completely thrown off. Thankfully mom is so willing to drop everything and be here when called. She should be here before noon.

A Good Week

Oops!  I wrote this on CB Saturday and forgot to cross-post it.  It's a bit out of date now as E turned into a fusspot Sunday, and it continues.  And we had a scare with blood in her diaper yesterday, but it's been ruled to be from a "fisher".  My fussy baby stays up ALL day, demands to be held - which doesn't even always sooth her - requiring the NICU nurses to tag team holding her throughout the day.  We believe she is simply hungry... wish that were as easy to fix as it sounds....

We had a good week.  She came through the surgery "as expected", which is a refreshing change for us!  She was off the ventilator 10 minutes after getting back to NICU and feeding shortly after that.  They moved her back to Special Care, from the Intensive side of NICU (where she had to be due to surgery) that night.  

She has been happy, eating and sleeping all week.  As of yesterday she's up to 6lb 6oz.  

(Sorry Mom, have not shared this story with you yet) Last night, the nurse and I were both unsure when looking at her poopy diaper whether we saw a tinge of red, or if it was the lighting?  She ended up sending a sample to the lab so I waited with Ella for the results.  After her 11pm bottle, the results were finally in, negative, no blood in her stool!  YEA!  It feels so good to get good news!!  

Ella has had a couple of special out of town visitors over the last couple of days.  

CA moved away a few years ago, got married and has a 3 month old little boy.  She came and visited Ella last night and I went to meet her little boy this morning.  He's 12lb!  To me, he was HUGE!  Back before Ella was born, CA and I were planning to get the babies together when she visited this week... but we made it work so we were able to meet each others little ones.  

BFF, the one who flew to Asheville the day Ella was born, came to town today.  She had not seen Ella since she was 3 days old.  She has enjoyed getting to cuddle with her, and I've enjoyed catching up!

I was informed this week that, with doctor's permission, I should be able to take Ella out on the patio near NICU to get some secluded fresh air.  Ella has never been outside.  I'm so excited about this!  But I learned that I need baby sunglasses and a stroller in order to do this, neither of which I have (yet).  This weekend has been too busy to have time to get to Target, so it may have to hold until next weekend.  But how exciting!

ROP Surgery

Long day but Ella got through her ROP surgery well.  It didn't happen until 4pm but it only lasted about 45 minutes.  Everyone was so kind and made special efforts for Ella.  I did good until they brought the ventilator and transport isolette over, then it got real and the anxiety set in.  But actually, I handled this surgery much better than the previous two.  So did Ella.

She is off the ventilator!  They have her on a low flow cannula, barely.  

They resumed her feeds at 8:30pm (her last feed today was 4:30am, hungry girl).  She was happy to eat again but her throat must be sore from the intubation because she didn't take it all at once like usual.  

She should sleep well tonight.

I am home, fed the dogs, fed myself. Meeting with the GI doctor at Ella's bedside at 8am tomorrow!!

Thank you for all of your prayers and positive energy!  Good night! 

The Digestive System

I decided today that I will begin copying my CaringBridge posts over to this blog to begin to get me reconnected with everyone here (and thanks to everyone here who visits CB too). As I am able, I'll add additional color/commentary - my thoughts and feelings, along with the basic facts that I post on CB.  I know this was suggested early on, when I was too overwhelmed to think straight.  I think I'm up for this plan now.  However, I need to get to bed... it's going to be a long day tomorrow and 5:15am will come early!

Today's CB Post 

Dr. M sat down with me today and drew me a map of the digestive system, explaining the various parts of the small & large intestines and what each part was responsible for. She then went over what Ella had lost and what she has left and discussed the challenges specific to Ella based on what she is missing.  She covered both our short term and potential long term issues.  

It was a very satisfying (educationally) conversation yet difficult at times to listen to.  The hardest part to hear was that she expected it to be months before her feeding issues are balanced well enough to go home.  I'm still processing this tidbit.

She has also left a few messages for the GI doctor who has not called me yet in response, as requested.  I'm hoping the GI doctor is just out of town or something, to explain her lack of response.  We'll see.  We have another distraction ahead of us tomorrow.

Mom & Dad came for the weekend and we had a nice time.  They really enjoy spending time with Ella, I love that!  We had a belated birthday dinner and did some more tweaks to the nursery.  I'm happy to report that Ella's room is basically complete, with the exception of some last minute tasks, like putting the diapers, wipes, etc in place.  

Ella is continuing to do well.  Her feeds were doubled on Saturday to 18cc, which is good because she was really hungry... the nurses this weekend pushed for an increase because they could see how hungry Ella was, particularly Ella's other primary, Nurse Pam.   She's very happy with her 18cc/3hr and is also getting oral care with breast milk (a little by by mouth).  

Tomorrow is her ROP surgery.  It is expected to be around 2 - 3pm tomorrow (probably closer to 3pm).  Thankfully Nurse Tammy will be back to help her through surgery and recovery.  I'm feeling alright about her surgery so far although I expect anxiety will kick in by morning.  

I know that everyone following along will be praying for Ella to have a good surgery and an easy recovery.  Thank you for that!

Have I mentioned that Ella hit 6 lbs on Thursday (actually 6.1), her 4 month birthday?  FIVE TIMES her birth weight (and still smaller than most full term babies)!  As of today she's 6.2.

I Miss This Blog

Hi everyone.  I'm just stopping in to say how much I miss this blog.  I've had so many posts in my head that I never have the time to actually write.  And I do censor what I write on CaringBridge (link posted on the right side bar)... because if I'm too real, it starts a telephone/email panic chain between friends of my parents, to my parents, to me and everyone is freaking out.  So it's easier to be clinical on CaringBridge than to be real.  That sucks, but the audience is too broad, so that's just how it is.

I know I can be real here... I just don't have the luxury of time to write out my feelings as they are happening.  Especially since going back to work.  This is where I would rather be writing, but it benefits me to write for the majority on CaringBridge right now, keeping everyone informed, and keeping my space here quiet/secret.

I'm reading your blogs still, but rarely commenting.  And almost never commenting if you have captcha (hate that impossible to read thing)... please accept my apologies.  My world is very self centered right now and unfortunately I have to be that way for Ella.

Please don't give up on me here... I promise, my intentions are to come back whenever life returns to some form of 'new' normalcy.  Thank you!

Ella is 4 months old today!

Robbed

This is a post that has been brewing since Ella was born.  I can finally sit down to write it.  I finally feel prepared to write it.  It's not easy to write.  It may not be easy for some to read (still struggling with infertility or having dealt with pregnancy loss, loss of a child), so do not read on if you fall in those categories.  

Let me start by expressing (again) how grateful I am that things are the way they are.  The most important thing to me is that Ella is here and she is growing every day!  Given everything that we have been through... infertility, severe undiagnosed preeclampsia, birth at 25 weeks, NEC... the fact that Ella is still with us is nothing short of a miracle, many, many times over!  The child (as I've always known) is meant to be!  

I know that there are so many women that I am connected with who have been through true loss.  And my heart truly breaks for them.  I've met parents in the NICU who have been through devastating loss; it's horrible and makes me so very grateful.  I won't go into further detail as those are not my stories to tell. 

The rest of this post is simply expressing and acknowledging my feelings about the lost third trimester.  

After everything happened and Ella was born I talked a lot about (but never wrote about) all of the things that I wouldn't have to experience since Ella came so early, as a way to look on the bright side.  

Bright Side

• I never had to take the Gestational Diabetes test!  
• I never needed a cervical sweep!  
• I was able to avoid stretch marks!  
• I didn't have to be super-pregnant in July!  
• I never have to use that squirt bottle...  

What other things should I be thankful I missed out on?

Also, I don't have to worry about Ella having a (July) birthday when all of her friends are gone to camp & on vacation.  I also don't have to worry about Ella being the youngest in her class.  

But if I could go back and do anything differently, I would do anything to be able to carry Ella full term and deliver her as a happy, healthy newborn.  I would give just about anything to be able to do that for her!!

For now, I see a very pregnant woman in Target and I envy her. I hear about a newborn coming home on Facebook and I want to shake them (the parent, not the baby) to make them realize how good they have it!  I see newly post-partum bellies of mothers in NICU who obviously carried their babies far along, and I am actually jealous of them... and they have babies in NICU too!  

I feel robbed.  I feel like I was robbed of so many of the significant milestones of pregnancy.  

• I never felt Ella kick me enough to make me satisfied.  
• She never kicked to make me feel uncomfortable.  
• I never felt her have the hiccups in utero.  
• I never felt her kick from the outside.  
• I only received ONE stranger comment, 2 weeks prior to her birth, about my pregnancy.  
• I never had the opportunity to be obviously pregnant.  
• I never got the waddle.  
• I've not gotten the excitement of preparing her nursery (I still have to do it, but it's different now that she's already here... and I'm not even home to work on it). 
• I never got to nest.  
• I never got to feel BH contractions.  
• I never got to wonder if this could be the week, or today could be the day I meet my baby girl.  

I HATE that my body failed us both!   That I couldn't keep either one of us safe in order to let her finish developing the way she was supposed to.  I hate that it means we don't know yet what long-term problems Ella will have to face because of this.  

Don't get me wrong, I don't dwell on this or carry it with me all of the time, there are just triggers...  I know that I can't change anything that happened.  It's just feelings that I need to acknowledge... and hopefully those feelings will subside with time.


Maybe some of this is why I can't get rid of the ticker on my blog yet?

Week from Hell

I had a good post written for you all in my head yesterday, and now that I have time to sit down and write - I can't remember what I was going to say!?!

If you have not been keeping up with CaringBridge, we have had a difficult week.  We are blessed that we did not lose Ella over the last few days, it's been rough.

She developed a condition called NEC, but was not diagnosed with it.  She had exploratory surgery on Wednesday at noon where the diagnosis was confirmed and they removed 20-25cm of "dead bowel".

Tuesday - Wednesday were the hardest, most frightening days of my entire life.  I'm sitting by her bedside now and don't have the energy to go into the emotional detail.  I prefer, at this time, to leave it in the past.

I do remember saying to myself that "this won't last" (as in these awful moments will not be here forever, we will know more at some point), I just didn't know if I would have my sweet Ella with me when the moments were over, so I was trying to spend as much time soaking her in as I was able.  I was so glad I had taken the video that I shared in my last post.  So much fear and uncertainty.

I also wanted Ella to have peace, in some ways that meant in whatever way would best bring her peace.  But I didn't want to imagine my life without her either... I couldn't, can't.

Her vital signs began to improve almost immediately after surgery, but still had a ways to go.  Since then her vitals are mostly in the 'normal' range with a couple of exceptions.

The biggest thing we are working on now is getting her to LOSE weight.  Actually fluid.  She went from 1.14 lbs on Monday to 2.11 last night.  We knew she already was carrying fluid but now she likely has a good full lb of fluid she's been holding on to.  We started to get pee last night and it continues to get more (volume) each diaper.  This is good, as her kidneys are starting to function again.

As I mentioned on CB, transfer is currently off the table and not a topic of conversation.  We are actually joking that I will simply sell the house and move to Asheville now verses chancing what Ella will do next time to avoid going back to Charlotte.

I miss you all and I miss this blog.  I also miss keeping up with everyone else's blog.  I should have some time this afternoon, until my laptop battery drains.  Thanks to each of you for your love and prayers.

Just please don't tell me that "everything happens for a reason" or "God only gives you what you can handle"... if I hear that again I may kick some serious a$$.

We would be 30 weeks gestationally today.  Ella is 4 weeks 4 days old.

Today I received my first "Happy Mothers Day" from a friendly janitor in the NICU.  Wow.  That's not hit me yet... the meaning of being a mom on mothers day, after everything, all of these years.

I'll leave you with a good picture I took of Ella on Sunday, just before she went back on the CPAP (the beginning of our backslide).  This was knitted by a sweet twitter friend and is just too adorable!  I can't wait until she can wear it again, for more than a 30 second photo op (through the incubator).

HopefulCC, I need to email you... I plan to do that after I post this... if I don't get pulled away or distracted.

MamaCam: Hiccups

Well, have I been gone that long?  Blogger posting design has changed.

Here's my first attempt at a video share.  You have to listen over the oxygen to hear her little squeaks.  I thought she was pooping but she didn't actually leave anything in the diaper.  My poop-dar needs to be tweaked yet.

Homesick

Please don't get me wrong... I am so very thankful that I am dealing with this situation than a worse alternative...  look away if you are not up for petty whining.

I'm homesick.  If you are following along on Caringbridge, you have an idea of the day to day, the great week Ella had and in general, the story.  And I'm handling it.  Most days I'm handling it with humor and a smile.

But when I get back to my room in the lovely hospitality house (that I am truly so thankful for)...  there are times I get homesick.  Especially in the shower.

I honestly think all of this would be a 'little bit easier' if I could go home at the end of the day.  You know the feeling when you walk in your house?  The 'ah, I'm home' feeling.  You are surrounded by your personal comforts.  You are in your safe place.

And I'd have my dogs.

I just don't have that here. It's a lovely place, but at the end of the day, it's a room. A twin bed.  Very little counter space (you can't wash & dry your pump parts in the same place, you have to move from bathroom to counter in bedroom for wash/dry).  I have to sit on the bed and pump.  The water pressure and temperature of the shower fluctuate frequently.  There is no TV.  I am latching on to an unsecured internet signal that is not overly reliable.  No food or drink other than water in your room.  Hospital grade sheets & towels... that sometimes have strange stains on them.

My room is by FAR better than the hospital room I was in... so it is a matter of perspective.  It's just not HOME.

Knowing that this will be my life for the next 2 - 3 months (although I'll be moving from my current location to stay at a friends house/guest room)... 

ONE DAY AT A TIME.

I really am fine and grateful.  I hope you understand the need to let it out.

Protein Levels

Here is an excerpt from my latest CaringBridge post if you are not following along.

Note - when you go to CaringBridge, you are asked for a password if you have previously established an account, as in you've followed someone else on CaringBridge in the past.  The password is not specific to my journal.  Also, I'll never know that you read my journal unless you leave a comment; I know more about my readers on Blogger than I do CB)


Other note... Ella is making some steady progress over the last couple of days (as chronicled on CB) for which I am tremendously grateful.  I've decided that I definitely do not want to duplicate posts between this site and CB on a regular basis, but still figuring out how to balance it as in the near future I just don't see how I can keep up two separate spaces at the same time.  I'm not going anywhere...  I just need to figure out the balance.  Once things calm down...

Mommy

I'm too tired tonight to go into a detail of my 'condition' and its impacts, I do need to summarize a few tidbits tonight.  My follow up with the Asheville high-risk OB is in the morning... so hopefully I can come out of that with more information and finally write that entry about my health.

I did, however, speak with my local (to Charlotte) OB today.  I called my nurse there this morning and told her I would like to know what the results of my 24 hour urine test were, the test that I completed on Thursday morning before Easter.  And additionally I told her I'd like to make an appointment to sit down (or by phone) with my doc - Dr. R - to review what led to all of this, if it could have been caught sooner, etc.  Simply put, closure.

Dr. R called me today, we had a good conversation.  I'm not going to go into the full detail on this discussion at this time, just the highlights.

*Remember, my OB appointment on Tuesday before Easter was with a different doctor in the practice, Dr. V. as patients are encouraged to rotate their appointments after 20 weeks between the different doctors in the practice in the event your doctor is not available at the time you deliver.  Fairly standard practice.

While I turned in my test to the doctors office by noon on Thursday, I'm told the results for my 24 hour urine test were not received from the lab by Dr. V until after I had already called my nurse on Monday to report what had happened and that Ella was here.  

Dr. V actually had to call the lab for the results (Dr. R was on vacation last week).  Apparently when the lab ran my test they didn't believe the results and decided to rerun the test.  I have no idea how long it takes to run these tests, I just provided the sample.

The good news is my liver was not affected, it was normal.  

I did have just a little bit of protein in my urine... below are the thresholds for protein in urine for a pregnant woman:

< 300 Normal

> 300 Pre eclampsia

>5000 Severe  Pre eclampsia

My results...  23,000

Go on, the normal response to this is OMG!!!  Yes, this is 4 1/2 TIMES the threshold for 'severe'.  You can say it again.. OMG!!!

It's a wonder I was functioning at all...  

At this point, I don't know what having this information a few days prior to when I went to the ER would have, or would not have done for Ella and me?  Obviously things happened the way they did for a reason, but there was definitely a process breakdown between the lab and the doctors office that needs to be addressed (and Dr. R sounded like those discussions were already underway).  

As I mentioned, I have a follow-up with the Asheville doctor for myself in the morning.  And Dr. R and I discussed a number of other things.  There are a lot of thoughts to put together around all of this so it's going to take some time to write that post.

CaringBridge Site for Ella

We have gotten a CaringBridge site set up for updates on Ella.  I have not quite figured out exactly how I will integrate with the blog (just give the link to you, duplicate the posts or expand on the detail of the posts in a more personal manner).

For the moment, here is the link.  I posted two Journal updates tonight to cover...

• Why did I have to have an emergency c-section at 25 weeks?
• How is Ella?

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/ella_caroline


Thank you again for all of your comments and positive support!  It means the WORLD to me and my family!!

Continuing

Just an update that things are continuing to progress day to day.  I just have not had time to write things down.  More to come as soon as I can.  Just a quick check in.

Ella wearing Grandma's wring as a bracelet while experiencing Kangaroo with Mommy (skin to skin)

Introducing Ella Caroline (15 weeks early)

While visiting my family in the mountains this past weekend, I was so miserable I went to the local ER and was diagnosed on Sunday with preeclampsia and things happened very quickly. I was transferred by ambulence to a larger hospital in Asheville with excellent high risk/NIKU care.  I ended up delivering Ella Caroline at 12:12 am Monday. She weighs 1.25 lbs and was immediately labeled a “rock star” for how well she is doing given her rate of prematurity (25w2d – her estimated due date was July 21) !

I am still fighting the effects of the preeclampsia and am pretty weak. I am having good moments but they are taken with my visits to Ella and pumping (and dealing with insurance/medical leave) so I am not texting or typing well yet. The greatest joy was visiting Ella today. When I saw Ella for the first time this morning, she knew me.  She was crying and I reached in and touched her tiny little head with one of my hands and her arm with my other hand. I spoke softly to her and she immediately calmed and peacefully rested. She knew my voice. She recognized her mommy J

I know that I am completely behind on reading and responding to all of your loving messages and I can’t wait to read them. I have been gaining strength, but I will likely be in the hospital through the weekend. Ella will be here for a couple of months. We don’t know yet if we will be able to transfer to Charlotte at some point or if we will remain in Asheville for her NICU time.

My dogs are in good care with my parents enjoying the mountain air. I will get to each and every message as I regain energy.  I have had fabulous support between my mom and my BFF and appreciate all of the offers of support to come help in Asheville as my friends are available. I will be taking you all up on it.

I am currently trying to keep things very calm and peaceful and get a lot of rest as keeping my blood pressure down is a must. Thank you all so much for all of the love, support and prayers. Please keep them coming!

(Typed by my BFF - who flew up from Florida yesterday… I just don’t have the energy to type yet)

Interesting Pregnancy Observations

**Warning:  This is definitely not a post I would have chosen to read while still on the TTC roller coaster**

I am currently 23weeks 3 days along.  Just a few more days until viability!  While infertility is the biggest emotional challenge I have ever experienced (and not physically pleasant either), pregnancy has certainly been a bit physically challenging so far.  Here are a few pregnancy observations I would like to preserve, and share with those who are curious.

Before I go there... I just wanted to update you on the nickname I've recently been calling Baby Girl.  I've never been one to create nicknames, but Baby Girl gets kind of long to type out.  I thought about shortening it to BG but then I kept seeing it as BuG.  So I've been referring to her (quietly until now) as BuG.  Note, there is absolutely no relationship to this nickname and her real name!

**Please read the tone of this post as very 'tongue in cheek'**

Heartburn/Acid Reflux - I have finally learned what Acid Reflux really is... I had NO idea!!  I can deal with the heartburn, but waking up to an in process reflex of swallowing back down the small amount of bile that I just threw up in my mouth mid REM cycle is a completely new experience... and one I hope goes away immediately after BuG arrives safely this summer.

Food Aversions - People frequently ask me what I am craving.  I really don't think I actually crave anything... I still eat what I believe I can tolerate (and sometimes I'm still wrong about what's tolerable - SURPRISE!).  Apparently BuG really doesn't like Chicken!  I've given up trying to eat chicken at this point.

Puking - While the worst of the "morning" sickness dissipated by about 18 weeks, it's not completely gone.  I still have days when I need to take zofran.  And as a consistent rule of thumb, all it takes for me to get sick is to tell someone how much better I've been feeling... within a matter of a few hours of these conversations you can put money on the fact I will be sick.  It never fails!

Poop - I have definitely experienced some of the worst constipation ever during pregnancy (this is relative since I rarely ever had that problem previously)... but lately I fluctuate between the two extremes.  Enough said.

Headache - I've been having mild headaches for the last few weeks, so mild that I never mentioned them to anyone, it's just a minor annoyance.  Yesterday that headache turned into a monster!  And it continues.  I don't know if it's related to allergies, I think it might be even though my sinuses are being kind to me lately.

Breakouts - A few weeks ago my skin changed from the beautiful glow of pregnancy to the breakouts of pregnancy.  Surprisingly I'm accepting of my now red, blotchy face... it is what it is.

Sleep/Energy - I know it will be much worse when my little BuG gets here, but sleeping sucks!  I will generally sleep for a few hours, until my 2am bathroom break, and then I'm awake most of the night thereafter.  If I'm lucky I'll dose off and on, but there is no quality to my sleep after 2am.  I am still using doctor recommended Tylenol PM fairly regularly... my sleep is even worse on the nights I don't use it.  Obviously, this really impacts my overall energy during the day.  My energy is generally low, but after some bad nights it's all I can do to make it through the day. My house is suffering the effects of this, dishes pile up, laundry doesn't get put away, the floors are dirty and general clutter exists everywhere (I hate clutter).

Weight Gain - Wow!  My weight has skyrocketed!  Given I was under my pre pregnancy weight until I was 17 weeks, I am now up 15lbs from my pre pregnancy weight in the 6 weeks since then.  How did that happen?  I don't eat a lot, although the nutrition I do eat varies (sometimes healthy, sometimes not so much - again, it's about tolerance).  And I'm still throwing up my meals at least a few times a week.

Stranger Comments - I experienced a milestone this weekend.  A stranger commented about my pregnancy out of the blue!  This means I actually look pregnant, not just fat!  So I bought a car from him... (it was the sales guy at the Honda dealership)

Movement - While I am feeling BuG move, it's never enough.  I still really only feel her when I'm laying down and paying attention.  I try not to freak out... but I still question myself - is that really the BuG I'm feeling?  Some women are not only feeling their babies more/frequently earlier than me, they are seeing the movement and can feel it on the outside.  I somehow keep reassuring myself that I am feeling the BuG and there is no reason to freak myself out.

Fear - It's still there, every day.  But as I've said before, I can't go there.  I'll write a post about it once my BuG is safely here.

All of that said I love every minute!  And in the grand scheme of pregnancy, things are going really well for me!!!  I still can't believe it's real and that my Baby Girl is growing inside me... and she'll be here in about 16 weeks!

Swag

So I never did share a photo of the goods I bought the day I found out Baby is a Girl.

Gender reveal swag - All from a Consignment store except for the Owl

While I bought all of the clothes consigned, several of the items still had original tags.  One of the onsies says "Hi!  I'm new here!"  - how cute!!  I'm trying to hold back on buying too many clothes as I know that so many of her Aunties (and her Grandma) will be buying her lots of cute stuff.

We are currently in the season of the Spring Consignment events.  These events typically happen in early Spring and early Fall.  I got several things at a couple of the local events, including these two bigger purchases.

**For one of the events, a couple of my SMC friends were working the event so they had presale passes.  They not only gave me a presale pass, one of them spent time with me (and a couple of other SMC's on a separate occasion) helping us figure out what we needed.

Graco swing - Retails for $109, I paid $35

McLaren seat (rocks & vibrates)
Retails for $90, I paid $30

The Fall consignment events will take place shortly after she is born, so I'm also holding off on some items (Jumparoo's, high chair, etc) until then.

I have been working through my registry, doing a lot of research.  As open as I am to used/consignment, there are certain things I just want new.  Primarily the crib & car seat.  Reason being, there are SOO many brands and SOO many recalls, I just want to be able to keep up with it from the start.  And for the car seats (oh my, the most confusing item to decide on so far), they are said to be good only for 5 years AND if they have been involved in any kind of accident it is recommended they are no longer used.  While most seats have a date on them these days, you just don't know the accident history on this kind of item if you get it used.

The two things I've bought new so far are both decorative...

I saw this last summer at our local Raptor Center (went back and bought it the day of my anatomy scan), so the proceeds go to a good cause 

This is for hair clips, etc.  Found it at a ritzy specialty shop.

A few years ago, I was a big spender and a bit snobbish about used items, other than antiques.  I would have bought EVERYTHING new for baby girl.  Between the tanking of the economy, my layoff in '09, and paying for IVF, I see used/consigned items in a whole new light.  And yes, apparently I can resell my goodies when I'm done with them too!

And on another note, my refi closed last week.  The monthly savings should cover at least half of monthly day care costs.

Tip for those BFP's to follow:  What I wish I had known.  Baby Bargains is a GREAT resource (book).  They also have a website.  Unfortunately I bought the book before I looked at the site.  You have to pay for a membership to the site (and can get the book with your membership), but there are no perks for book owners to join the site after the fact.  I have elected not to join the site since I already paid for the book.  **Bottom line:  Join the site first, they will send you the book with your membership.

Next... I'm working on figuring out how to turn this room into a nursery.

Note the glider - I got this off Craigs List shortly before I started TTC.  It's been sitting in that room, covered up, for a very long time.

I got rid of the guest room furniture in this room before I started TTC (that was a mistake).  It's become a "catch all" room for the last couple of years.

I stumbled on a woman about 90 minutes away who refurbishes used furniture in a "shabby chic" finish (very affordable, much cheaper than the new stuff I've seen).  I've reached out to her about doing a dresser and possibly an armoire for the nursery.

Our next scan is in early March April (thanks for catching my error, Mom), a 24 week scan for a detailed review of her heart.

I am a Member of the IF Community

I've had an internal struggle with whether I would actually post this.  I've walked away from this post for about 24hrs and as much as I don't want to get "in the middle" of this PAIL/ALI Community debacle that's taking place, there are just a few things I need to say.  I hope I do not p*off or alienate any of my friends, fellow bloggers by posting this, my intent is that this will come across in a respectful manner for all parties involved.

I have connected myself to the IF community in every way possible... Twitter, this blog, message boards, Resolve, and even through SMC.  I am, and will always be infertile.  Amazingly (and still unbelievably to me) I am 21 weeks pregnant with a little girl... but I still carry the scars of infertility closely.

As an active member of the IF community, I've come to realize this week that I'm not an "official" member of the ALI community.  I thought I submitted my blog a couple of years ago but looked this week and I'm not anywhere on the list as far as I can tell.  This is fine because I've never really used the blogroll/resources, and it took me a while to figure out what LFCA was when it was frequently referenced this week.  Seriously, how could I be an active blogger in this community for so long and NOT really know about the inter-workings of what is the BASE of the blogging IF community??? I knew the reference of ALI, I knew about ICLW but never participated.  Just call me clueless.

I've developed my blog quite organically by connecting with commenters, checking out their blogrolls, following my Tweeps blogs, etc.  But I do realize that I would not have connected with so many IF bloggers if it were not for the ALI community that Mel created, as many of those I have connected to have used the ALI blogroll to find each other.

Other than political hot-buttons related to IF, I tend to stay out of controversy when it comes about in the IF community.  If a blogger posts something that I do not agree with, I will err on the side of remaining quiet (not making a comment), as I believe this community is about support - and a blog is for personal expression. I have been guilty of writing supportive comments to other bloggers who post their disagreement about a post that I also disagreed with. Thankfully, this is a rare occurrence in the IF blog community.

But...  since my last post was an introduction to the new PAIL community, I feel the need to write a post on the volcanic eruption that has exploded this week related to the development of this new blogroll.  Have I mentioned how much I don't like drama?  I hope this will be my only post on this subject, that is my intention.  

Earlier this week, Mel wrote a post over at Stirrup Queens expressing her anger and disappointment in learning of the creation of the PAIL community.  This post spurred over 150 comments, many being divisive and often mud-slinging, name-calling comments.  Many individual blog posts have been written as a response to the Mel's post and the subsequent comments.

Ladies, this has been ugly  U-G-L-Y.   And that makes me uncomfortable.  Seriously, I can not emphasize how awful some of the comments have been... suggesting some have not "suffered enough" with their infertility to qualify - for whatever.

Firstly, to my friends/readers, if my post introducing PAIL hurt or offended anyone, you have my sincere apology.  Hurting or alienating anyone was never my intention.  Adding my blog to the PAIL blogroll never meant that I would stop following/supporting/cheering on my friends who are TTC.  IF has become my platform and is now a huge part of who I am, to my core.

What joining PAIL did mean is that I had an opportunity to find more bloggers who are in the same place I am at this time, transitioning into this place that is "pregnant after IF", to learn from them and offer support. I've been unable to join the "bab.y center" type communities with the fertiles of the world, I tried but it was just too much. Getting pregnant has introduced a whole new struggle for me, of fear (which I still can't bring myself to acknowledge beyond the word in writing or verbally) and hope.  For me, it is by far NOT worse than my TTC/IF struggles, it's simply a new and different experience built from IF.

The premise of what I gathered of why Mel was upset about the PAIL community, summarized by me, is a) the fact that she already has a Parenting/Pregnant after IF "room" in the ALI community, and b) she felt PAIL was copying her original ideas such as ICLW (please read her entire post for her reasoning).

Given my cluelessness about the interworkings of the ALI community, I did not know that the P/P-IF room existed, and it seems many others did not as well.  The difference in the PAIL community is that the blogs listed are ACTIVE, while it seems there are many on the ALI community that are not.  The overall ALI community has 3000+ blogs! I've spent some time over there this week trying to educate my clueless self.

And regardless of this, there was an apparent gap that existed for P/P-IF bloggers, otherwise the blogroll wouldn't have exceeded 100 within the first week.

Can't these two communities co-exist?  The majority consensus from the PAIL community is YES; it was never anyone's intention to abandon the ALI community in favor of the PAIL community.  Honestly, I'm dying to use Visio to develop an org chart or process flow to map it all out (I'm a geek).


Personally, I am a member of an infertility message board, specific to the clinic I last cycled at.  There is a separate message board for women who had success at this clinic.  Women migrate to the 'success' board once they get through early pregnancy (no set rule as to when women migrate).  We, myself included, still read and contribute to the original message board, encouraging women who are still cycling.  What we don't do is discuss our pregnancies on that board out of respect for those still trying.

Also, my Resolve group works in a similar way.  Once a member gets pregnant, she is welcome for the first trimester/until she starts showing.  After that, there is actually no new group for the pregnant/parenting after IF women... that gives me an idea!


As for copying ideas/ICLW, as I am not the creator I can't fully speak to this but here is my take.  ICLW - this was not proposed by Elphie, it was mentioned as an enthusiastic comment in a PAIL post.  I have no idea if an ICLW-like event was going to be proposed.

There was a statement on yesterday's post on Stirrup Queens that people are blogging for what they can get out of it, i.e. Blogging for Comments. This must be why people selfishly joined the PAIL group, because we lost commenters when we transitioned to pregnant/parenting.  Side note: personally, I do not feel I have lost commenters since my BFP, thank you friends!

While comments are always welcome, I don't think that is the reason most of us blog.  We blog to connect, to learn from others, to offer and give support.  Comments are just one component of the blogging experience.

I have to say that I admire how Elphie has handled herself in the wake of this storm.

And my next statement will likely be unpopular but I feel like I need to say this, this is my perspective and I know it will not represent everyone's opinion... this comes from my 15 years in Corporate America and various leadership training/experiences over the years.


As a blogger, I completely respect that Mel expressed herself and her feelings this week, that's the purpose of our blogs, to express ourselves.   She has every right to share her feelings and anger in her space.

However as the creator of the ALI community, therefore a leader, I would like to see her handle this like the leader she is.  I would expect a leader to gather her "leadership team" behind closed doors, along with the "leadership team of the opposition", discuss the issue, and propose compromise/resolution.  I would then expect all of the leaders to take the supportive position of whatever that resolution may be and cascade/share it with their organization.

A shakeup in the environment, especially one that has no proposed resolution, only ignites the flames and creates chaos.  Unfortunately, the Stirrup Queens posts this week have instigated a divide in the community and created a lot of hurt feelings.

I hope that the next steps are healing ones.

I am a member of the IF community - across the blogsphere, Twitter, message boards, IRL, etc. - regardless of what blogroll my URL is or is not linked up on.

**If you do not feel the need to comment, don't feel obligated to comment.  If you do want to comment, RESPECTFUL comments are welcome.  I do reserve the right to remove any comments that I perceive as ugly (my mom reads this blog - Hi Mom!).**

PAIL

PAIL
Elphaba over at Alice in Diaperland started a conversation last week about the scars of infertility, even after defeating IF.  She talked about the fact that she can't relate to the fertile mommy bloggers even though she is now a mommy herself.  She asked for feedback from readers, and boy did she get it, about feeling on the edge of a community, being stuck between the ALI community and the fertile mommy's.

Many from the ALI community are hesitant to participate in ICLW after getting pregnant, knowing how it feels to be in the throws of the battle and clicking on an infertility blog that is all about pregnancy or parenting.  OUCH!  It hurts to put it mildly.

I know, I am guilty of unfollowing bloggers who moved on while I was still crushed and wondering how I would cope with never being able to conceive.  It wasn't personal, it was self-preservation.

Long story short, Elphaba has created a new community, an extension of the ALI community, for women who have defeated infertility, at least briefly.  Click over to PAIL, Parenting/Pregnant After Infertility and/or Loss to read more and join the community.  As you can see, it's catching on quick.  Then add the button to your own blog!

And a special thanks to Elphaba for starting the conversation and moving so fast to put this new community together!!

Around the blogsphere...

There are so many people cycling now, or getting ready to cycle.  I hope to see a lot of BFP's in the near future!!  A special shout out to My Fertility Blog on her long-awaited FET tomorrow, a special person who I had the pleasure to meet and share dinner with back in Colorado.

Super Congratulations go out to Miss Ohkay on finally getting her sweet and precious little girl through international adoption (it was a long, difficult wait)... All if the Twitter IF community was stalking her on Sunday while she was at the airport waiting on the plane.  Also, I'm so glad that you are back home with her (after being hospitalized 2 days for illness).  So exciting!!

Congrats to several new prego's for your recent BFP's and excellent betas!!!
Jen at Me, Myself and Infertility - a fellow SMC
Newbie at Infertile in the City - a CCR.M success
Mo at Life and Love in the Petri Dish - another CCR.M success

Also, please send your love & prayers over to Mo at Mommy Odyssey in the wake of her heartbreaking loss of her baby boy.

I left so many of you out, it's impossible to mention everyone... but I'm following along and rooting for each of you!

Mark Your Calendars - NIAW
Resolve has announced the dates for this year's National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).  Mark your calendars for April 22 - 28 and think about how you will support along with the theme of "Don't Ignore Infertility".

It's a....

Courtesy of Google Images

It's a girl!  I'm having a baby girl!!!  A daughter.  I'm overjoyed!  After the scan I had this peaceful feeling of calm, I realized that I felt truly happy for the first time in a very long time.  I guess it (finally) all became real.  I'm really pregnant and I'm expecting a healthy baby girl. 

The scan itself went great, she's measuring on track and everything looks good.  That combined with my 2nd Trimester bloodwork continues to keep me in the low risk category - for a high risk patient.  I will have another detailed scan at 24w, where they will take a close look at the development of her heart.  

I love being able to refer to 'she' & 'her' now, rather than 'it' or 'the baby'.

Here she is!! 18w3d

My best buddy, J, came with me to the scan yesterday.  He has never seen a pregnancy ultrasound, although he's had several of his own stomach due to gastrointestinal problems that landed him in the hospital for a couple of weeks last year.  

J is a lifelong athlete with an interest in the human body so he was enthralled watching the screen, pointing things out and asking the tech lots of questions.

We were talking about finding out, and J being there.  I said something along the lines of J being able to tell baby girl that Uncle J got to see her girl parts for the first time.  The room was silent before we all started cracking up, the ultrasound tech included, when I realized how pervy that had just sounded.  J was like, I didn't see anything!  Give me a break, I just found out I'm expecting a baby girl, my head wasn't working properly!  You know what I meant!

I have the funniest ultrasounds.

And of course, I did a little shopping for baby girl yesterday!  I'll have to take some pictures of the goods to share in another post.

17w4d - In Bullets

So I want to take the opportunity to record a little bit of the standard stuff about pregnancy... feel free to skip posts like these.


Size of baby 

• Baby is currently between the size of an Onion & Sweet Potato 

Total Weight Gain 

• +1 lb (or if you count the weight I dropped until recently, I'm up 6lbs)
• It's crazy, I know... but remember I started about 50lbs overweight

Current symptoms

• Food aversions, lack of appetite
• "Morning" sickness - I'm still getting sick at least once a day, and retch several other times during the day
• Constipation (OMG!  I'm so glad I don't deal with this in my non-pregnant life... it can be miserable at times)
• Heartburn - I now keep 2 bottles of Tums handy; one in the kitchen and the other on my nightstand

Maternity Clothes

• I'm wearing maternity jeans (wow, the best invention ever) and tops
• Since I work from home I'm also wearing a lot of my regular yoga pants/t-shirts
• I can still wear my regular jeans but they are not comfortable; when I go into the office I usually put on a non-maternity dress or skirt (very forgiving)
• I'm running into a problem with maternity sizing for dress pants so I have not bought any.  The XL are a bit snug in the thighs/butt... but the 1x absolutely swims on me, hence wearing my dresses/skirts to the office.

Sleep

• I get up around 2am & 5:30am to use the bathroom every night
• I have been using Tylenol PM (OB approved) to sleep many nights
• I'm sleeping great, unassisted, on nights after I workout

Cravings (Tolerances)

• Carbs - Pasta, cereal, pizza, bread/grilled cheese
• Fruit - Apples, Bananas
• SWEETS

Fitness

• After being on exercise restriction since starting my stims in mid-October, I'm finally working out again
• I'm working with my trainer again (prenatal certified & a mom of young kids)!!  The first few workouts I fatigued greatly & quickly but that seems to be improving. 
• Workouts help get things moving in the constipation department, however during the workout it's the gas that kicks in first (my poor trainer)

Gender

• My scan is on Monday!!  I can't wait to find out!

Movement

• Nothing decipherable at this time

Recent/Upcoming Milestones

• Recent - For the first time since Sept/October, I'm no longer getting blood draws at least 1x a week
• Recent - I'm amazed at how anti-climatic OB appointments are.  It's just talk, really.  No more dropping my pants for Wandy on a regular basis
• Upcoming - Ultrasound on Monday including anatomy scan!!

Doppler

I have not rented or bought a doppler.  At my 13week OB appointment, the nurse couldn't even pick up the heartbeat on the doppler and I had to have another ultrasound (oh darn).

I really didn't want to become someone who needs a home doppler for nightly reassurance... primarily because I have feared I'd use it wrong, not get the heartbeat and really freak myself out!!!

Two weeks ago, halfway between OB appointments, I was at the point that I needed to hear the heartbeat.  I needed to know everything was okay in there (the continued "morning" sickness and constipation isn't enough).  I remember that my nurse had said I could drop in and ask for her for a doppler check if I ever needed to hear the baby.  Since I live about 6 blocks from my OB's office, I thought this was a great option!  So off I went!

My nurse was down at their other office but another nurse checked me (no one even asked my name!) and there was the heartbeat, nice and strong.  I was so happy for that reassurance that I didn't even ask what the heart rate was.

Today was my 16 week OB appointment (at 16w5d) and the only thing I was focused on was getting to hear the baby's heartbeat.  It was a healthy 168!

I mentioned to my OB that I had stopped in a couple of weeks ago to hear the heartbeat.  She said that was fine... and I'm welcome to stop in as often as I need, even every week, if that's what I need!

I'm looking forward to feeling the baby's movements, hopefully within the next few weeks... until then, I see weekly walks over to my OB's office in my future.