I'm homesick. If you are following along on Caringbridge, you have an idea of the day to day, the great week Ella had and in general, the story. And I'm handling it. Most days I'm handling it with humor and a smile.
But when I get back to my room in the lovely hospitality house (that I am truly so thankful for)... there are times I get homesick. Especially in the shower.
I honestly think all of this would be a 'little bit easier' if I could go home at the end of the day. You know the feeling when you walk in your house? The 'ah, I'm home' feeling. You are surrounded by your personal comforts. You are in your safe place.
And I'd have my dogs.
I just don't have that here. It's a lovely place, but at the end of the day, it's a room. A twin bed. Very little counter space (you can't wash & dry your pump parts in the same place, you have to move from bathroom to counter in bedroom for wash/dry). I have to sit on the bed and pump. The water pressure and temperature of the shower fluctuate frequently. There is no TV. I am latching on to an unsecured internet signal that is not overly reliable. No food or drink other than water in your room. Hospital grade sheets & towels... that sometimes have strange stains on them.
My room is by FAR better than the hospital room I was in... so it is a matter of perspective. It's just not HOME.
Knowing that this will be my life for the next 2 - 3 months (although I'll be moving from my current location to stay at a friends house/guest room)...
ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I really am fine and grateful. I hope you understand the need to let it out.
I know this is a really difficult and probably very lonely time for you. Make sure you take good care of yourself, get as much rest as you can, indulge in something that makes you feel special - a manicure, some good chocolate - whatever it is for you. Know that there are many people who are lifting you up in prayer and wishing for the best possible outcome for you and your tiny little girl!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteI had a friend in a similar situation; her son wasn't a preemie, but had surgery his first week. She'd just had a c-section and stayed in a nearby motel for his first month (maybe six weeks?) as they lived also too far to travel from the hospital. I know it was hard on her and her husband.
I hope you're doing something to take care of yourself, too. Don't underestimate recovery from the c-section , much less everything else.
Such a difficult time in your life with extreme highs and lows. Anyone who has babies in the NICU can somehow relate although maybe not to the same degree. When my boys were in the NICU our hospital was an hour away and it felt impossible. We were exhausted and we were able to go home at the end of the day. I don't even like being on vacation more than 2 weeks because I miss the feeling of being at home.
ReplyDeleteRemember that you are also dealing with the hormonal roller coaster of postpartum!! Everything is always easier at ones home...and it provides a sense of comfort.
ReplyDeleteWe are here for you!!
BB, you're not whining. You are expressing your feelings. I know it will not happen right away, but I do hope that Ella will get to move to the hospital closer to your home later.
ReplyDeleteOf course you are homesick! To be going through all of this and not be able to go home at night to your dogs and comforting space is really rough.
ReplyDeleteIn addition to what others have said about not underestimating the recovery from C-section and crazy hormones (lived through 'em both 9 months ago), to be having to pump every 2 hours must also be very exhausting and stressful. What came to my mind, given the lack of TV and intermittent internet connection, was that perhaps someone could bring you some good, distracting mystery or thriller novels to read while you pump? Something that will allow you to totally veg out for awhile and escape...just a thought!
You are not whining, and acknowledging your feelings is probably the healthiest thing you could do right now.
My very best to you and Ella,
Tara, mom to Millie, 9 months
I'm hopeful that soon you'll be a bit more comfortable.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how hard this is - and I'm glad that things are stable enough with Ella that you can take time to process how many aspects of this are hard on you. i'm glad you'll be able to transition to a friend's house at some point. that will have its own challenges probably, but will be so nice, too. i wonder also if someone could send you a couple of items from your home that would make your room feel more "homelike"? a small photo frame? a certain scented candle? a small knickknack? i know space sounds really tight, but i've friends who've lived in hotels for more than a year, moving constantly when they were working as consultants, and they swore by having a couple of talismans from home to transform any space into "theirs" as they traveled endlessly.
ReplyDeletethinking of you and ella.
mo
It is perfectly normal to be feeling the way you do. Its that comfort and familiarity that only your own space can bring that you are missing. It difficult times that comfort is something we need even more. You are doing amazing. Glad that Ella is doing well.
ReplyDeleteI think you have every right and to let things out and this is the perfect place. I hope the months pass quickly and happily.
ReplyDeleteOh BB, vent all you wish!!! Very stressful times... I can't even begin to imagine! Hang in there, the day will come where you'll be home, in your own bed, with Ella and your doggies, FOREVER!! xoxo
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely, vent all you wish. You can be grateful for your baby girl's life and still bemoan the fact that you are stuck in that tiny, impersonal room. I would find it very depressing. Hang in there, it's got to get better. You'll look back at this and be amazingly proud of how strong you were.
ReplyDeleteWOW! I haven't checked in in awhile and so much has happened! First of all, Congrats on baby Ella! She's ABSOLUTELY adorable. I'm sure there have been many stressful times but it's great to see that she's doing so well and you are remaining positive. She is lucky to have such a great mom!
ReplyDeleteI certainly understand the homesickness, too. While passing the time staring at that little girl is really all that matters, and certainly makes the time go by more quickly, there's nothing like home...especially after an extended period of time. I agree with Lara, you will definitely look back at this and be amazingly proud of how strong you were...Ella will too...You'll be home before you know it!
OMG, you do NOT need to feel bad about being homesick or anything else! What you are going through is incredibly difficult, despite how grateful you are about Ella. Please please vent as much as you want, this is your space to find comfort. And I for one am glad you will be moving in with a friend - 2 - 3 months in a tiny hospital room would not be cool.
ReplyDeleteMakes sense to me that you're homesick! Of course you would be & I agree that your situation would be that little bit easier if at the end of your long days, you could go home to YOUR space, YOUR bed, YOUR sheets & blankets, your dogs. 2-3 months is such a long time but it will go by before you know it & I truly cannot wait to read your post about bringing Ella home for the first time!
ReplyDeleteOf course you're allowed to feel homesick without any apologies needed. You were just very sick, have a baby in the NICU, and are in a town/room that you don't call home. All those things are pretty stressful, and I am amazed at your composure and attitude. You truly are a rockstar. So sorry you're homesick. Is there a little something you can do to make it seem a little cozier? Maybe a couple of candles, a piece of artwork or some flowers? I'm sending you hugs, and hoping Ella will cruise through so that you'll be walking through your own door with her in your arms in no time!
ReplyDeleteAnd how about borrowing someone's IPad? Or treating yourself to one? (to help with the entertainment factor and double as a TV/video/book/internet connection?)
ReplyDeleteYour feelings absolutely make sense. It sounds like you are coping very well, given all that you are dealing with.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel that you can come here and vent any time you need to. While we haven't been in your shoes, we are all supporting you and willing to "listen."
You need to get it out to stay sane. What you're going through will probably be the most stressful experience of your life.
ReplyDeleteYou said it best - one day at a time. And sometimes that will be one hour at a time. Or one minute at a time.
And as the pp said, we're here for you.
I found you on Stirrup Queen's Lost and Found and wanted to say congrats! And that your whining is not whining at all, but rather the acceptance of realities. Congrats on your baby girl and hang in there! No reality is perfect and we are ALL free to admit it! :)
ReplyDeleteDealing with NICU drama is so hard - I can't imagine doing it away from home. Hang in there!
ReplyDelete